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Putting it to Bed: Good Sleep and Negative Emotions

November 22, 2019 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 3 Comments

Good Sleep and Negative Emotions

Why do we need good sleep for good mental health? We usually tend to think of sleep as a quiet and inactive time. But this is really not the case; sleep is actually an active period in which a lot of very important processing, restoration, and growth occurs. How this process happens and why our bodies need such a long period of rest every night is really still a mystery. We require sleep in order to restore and repair our minds and bodies. Sleep helps us repair damaged tissue, grow muscle, and during sleep our bodies even produce/synthesize hormones. That being said, science is still puzzled by all of he connections between sleep and mental health. Let’s explore good sleep and negative emotions starting with some interesting new research about how sleep helps us deal with emotional pain.

Haunted by the Past

Recent research has started to really help science understand why our brain needs sleep and how this process is connected to emotions and memory. The journal article entitled “Haunted by the past: old emotions remain salient in insomnia disorder” from the Netherlands Institute for Neuroscience, suggests that insomnia could primarily be caused by brains that have a difficulty with the “neutralization of emotional distress”. This important finding supports the idea that insomnia is a primary risk factor involved in the development of mood disorders like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress. The findings were published on 25 April 2019 in the leading scientific journal Brain.

Previous research has shown that one of the main purposes of sleep is to help the brain process all of the events and emotions that we experience during our busy and active days. As part of that process, the brain tries to process and “deregulate” the strong emotional things that we might feel. For instance we have a big fight with our coworker or our spouse that makes us feel some really strong emotions like anger, sadness, fear or insecurity. Getting a good night’s sleep helps us pack away negative emotional pain effectively “putting it to bed”.

It is a well-known fact that sleep helps us to remember important experiences. But sleep is also essential for getting rid of the emotional distress that may have occurred during those experiences. Both these overnight processes involve changes in the connections between brain cells: some become stronger and consolidate memories, whereas others are weakened and get rid of unwanted associations. “Sayings like ‘sleeping on it’ to ‘get things off your mind’ reflect our nocturnal digestion of daytime experiences. Brain research now shows that only good sleepers profit from sleep when it comes to shedding emotional tension. The process does not work well in people with insomnia. In fact, their restless nights can even make them feel worse” says first author Rick Wassing.

In layman’s terms, getting good sleep allows us to pack away negative events and feelings and this allows us to deal with
them more effectively. If we don’t sleep well, distressing events from our past, maybe even from decades ago might continue to activate the emotional circuits of the brain — kind of mimicking and replaying them. This causes us to feel these strong emotional memories over and over again — and over the long term, this may affect both our sleep and our mental health.

The study’s authors Rick Wassing, Frans Schalkwijk and Eus van Someren sum it up nicely: “people with insomnia are haunted by memories of past distress”.

Getting Healthy Sleep

Healthy sleep is critical for everyone, since every single day we need to build and maintain our memory and learn new skills to live our life in better ways. This is probably why children need more sleep than adults. All day, every day, children learn language, social, and motor skills and that’s really a lot of information to process. During these crucial periods of growth and learning, younger people need a large dose of nightly slumber for optimal development and health. One-year-olds need about 11 to 14 hours nightly, school age children between 9 and 11, and teenagers between 9 and 11. Adults on the other hand usually only need need 7-9 hours of sleep per night, but even then that 7-9 hours is crucial to our physical health and mental wellness.

How do we know if sleep is affecting our mental health or vice versa?

One, if we’re having problems falling asleep and we toss and turn with our heads full of negative thoughts and/or fears — this is often a sign something is amiss.

Two, if we have lots of fitful sleep with nightmares and or weird dreams about stressful things. Everyone has occasional bad dreams, but if they happen more frequently or increase in intensity, these are both signs something is wrong and we might need to get help and especially if the bad dreams are really making us sad, anxious or fearful.

Three, early morning waking, meaning waking up two or three hours before your alarm on a regular basis and having difficulty falling back to sleep may be a sign of high stress, anxiety, depression or PTSD or other mental health issues.

Insomnia and depression or anxiety that affect your sleep are all very treatable conditions. Addressing these problems can help you improve the quality of your life and your sleep. Talk with your family doctor and or see a psychologist about your sleep troubles and any mood concerns you get be having.

Thanks for reading my blog about Good Sleep and Negative Emotions: Here are some good tips for better sleep that I put together:

References

Netherlands Institute for Neuroscience https://nin.nl/insomniacs-unable-emotional-distress-mind/

Rick Wassing, Frans Schalkwijk, Oti Lakbila-Kamal, Jennifer R Ramautar, Diederick Stoffers, Henri J M M Mutsaerts, Lucia M Talamini, Eus J W Van Someren, Haunted by the past: old emotions remain salient in insomnia disorder, Brain, Volume 142, Issue 6, June 2019, Pages 1783–1796, https://doi.org/10.1093/brain/awz089

Why Do We Need Sleep? https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/why-do-we-need-sleep

Images from www.pixabay.com

Sleep, mental health & some tips for better zzzz’s

Filed Under: Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, Sleep

Anxiety and the Siberian Unicorn: Why Anxiety Can Be A Monster

June 19, 2019 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 2 Comments

In today’s blog we’re going to talk about why for many people, anxiety can create huge feelings of fear, worry and stress that are much bigger than the actual anxiety provoking thing that they’re facing. Why do people with anxiety sometimes get all freaked out over things that for most other people are only small worries or problems.

But first of all, what is a Siberian Unicorn and what could it possibly have to do with anxiety? There were some news stories a few months ago about a creature that lived at the same time as modern humans that was basically a massive hairy rhinoceros.

Paleontologists know there have been 250 rhino species in the planet’s history, of which only five still exist today. Among the most amazing of these rhinos was Elasmotherium sibiricum aka the Siberian Unicorn. The Neanderthals and modern humans lived with and possibly even hunted this massive creature in Kazakhstan, western and central Russia, Ukraine, Azerbaijan and Uzbekistan. It really must have been an impressive and deeply frightening sight for the people that had to face this creature in a hunt. Fossil evidence suggests the Elasmotherium was about 3 to 4 times the size of a modern rhinoceros, seven feet tall, weighed over 3.5 tons, covered in a thick heavy coat of hair like a mastodon, and sported a huge meter long horn! Can you just imagine having to leave your warm cozy cave to go out to get some take out and having to hunt this big horned monster. Even more interesting, is that this creature may have been the root of all of the unicorn myths!

We Were Eaten by Ginormous Bears!

And then once you’re out looking for a huge hairy and scary rhinoceros to kill; there were creatures like the Agriotherium, a species of Giant Bear looking to hunt and eat us! Agriotherium weighed about 2000 pounds, was 9 feet long and had massive bone crushing jaws that are thought to be the strongest of any carnivore on our planet ever.

Scary creatures indeed! But what do they have to do with anxiety? Well, simply put, our brains have actually evolved to deal with the threats from real and scary creatures like The Giant Bear. Our modern human brains have developed and adapted over the last 200,000 years to deal with huge scary environmental threats to our safety. In doing so, our brains have developed a system known as the “fight or flight system” that activates when we see or sense a threat from our environment.

The “fight or flight process” is a system designed to do exactly what it sounds like, prepare us to fight with, or flee from a threat in our environment.

When a threat occurs… like a Giant Bear trying to make us into a snack, our body is flooded with hormones like adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol. This reaction is designed to give a big boost to our perceptions, muscle reflexes, and physical abilities to improve our strength and speed in order to help us deal with the situation perceived as dangerous or threatening. It increases our heart rate, gets more blood to our muscles, gets more air into our lungs, and in general get’s us ready to deal with whatever threat is present. Your brain and body turns its full attention to survival in that particular threatening situation. The “fight or flight” response brings the body into a state of “red alert”.

There was a time in humankind’s past when the “fight or flight” response effectively protected our distant ancestors from such dangers as wild animals that could easily make a meal out of us or prepared us to war with other tribes that were encroaching on our tribes territory. Although we don’t ordinarily encounter or need to run from wild animals or warring enemy tribes today — sometimes our brain still operates in this very primitive way and reacts as if these dangers actually still exist today. The reason we still react in this way is because we’ve only been a “civilized” people for the last 5000 years give or take, compared to the 200,000 years of living where there were often real and legitimate threats, that would actually hunt and eat us. In a nutshell, anxiety kept us from being eaten and some people still have that “protective wiring” in their brains!

Anxiety and Modern Threats

Our brain has evolved to use worry, anxiety, and stress as an effective survival strategy. Anxiety is an emotion that helped protect humans from their surroundings that included monsters. It was built for solving short-term, immediate and scary monster problems.

Today though, the environmental threats that may cause us to go into the fight-flight or stress/anxiety response are less scary and hairy.

They are things like:

a deadline for a project at work or school
a demanding or even bullying co-worker or boss
having too much to do in too little time
a big fight with our spouse,
a delayed flight and long wait in the airport
a traffic jam making us late,
perhaps even a colicky baby, a challenging toddler or a argumentative teenager
or even someone cutting us off and then flipping us the bird on our drive to work

The stress response is designed to shut itself down when the actual threat from the environment passes and your body can then go back to a normal state. We see a Giant Bear, we run away, the threat ends and our body returns to a normal resting state. Today’s threats aren’t like that though, they are persistent and nagging in nature rather than immediate and short lived; and this can create ongoing worry and emotional stress that can trigger a host of health problems for us. This problem occurs when the stress response is triggered over and over again by all of the worries of modern life and this stress response causes the body’s sympathetic nervous system to release stress hormones such as norepinephrine, cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones can increase blood sugar levels and harmful triglycerides and they may even damage our brain and immune systems on the cellular level over the long term. Long term chronic stress can also make us more susceptible to mental health problems like depression. So having persistent ongoing worry and anxiety can have a very serious affect on our physical and mental health.

The anxiety reaction was a great system for human survival for our ancestors as it allowed them to deal with threats effectively and quickly. But in our modern society this chronic anxiety becomes a burden and may be an obstacle for many.

Anxiety As An Advantage

People who experience high levels of anxiety could possibly be seen as having an evolutionary advantage when the environmental threats were Giant Bears with bone crunching teeth. People with high levels of anxiety are likely carrying the genes of successful ancestors, in fact having a strong anxiety reaction is probably one of the very things that helped the human species thrive and survive.

Unfortunately in today’s world having high levels of anxiety can be a hindrance. An extreme anxiety reaction can harm our relationships, keep us from achieving our goals, keep us from experiencing all of life’s wonder and keep us from living a full life.

The problem with a brain that is genetically programmed to be overly sensitive to anxiety is that even though the threats may be real to some degree, an overactive, worrying brain exaggerates the actual level of threat. An over-reactive brain fools us into thinking there is a dire and immediate threat, the emotions and feelings appropriate to a giant bear — when in fact, the actual risk to our person may be minimal or something that is just an ordinary, daily problem of life.

We can see the anxious thinking as being caused by faulty brain wiring — our brain trying to protect us from bad things in our environment. Faulty wiring which takes small life stresses and worries, and exaggerates them into something bigger and more horrible, just in case they might be.

Luckily we can actually rewire our brain to slow and change the anxiety response process through some activities and strategies.

First of all things like physical exercise, meditation and relaxation exercises can help and here a few links to explore:

UCLA Health Meditation: Getting started

Here is some information on how to use physical exercise for anxiety: ADAA: Exercise for Stress and Anxiety

Here’s a great place to start exploring more about anxiety: www.anxietycanada.com

Finally if you’ve tried lots of different thing and your anxiety is still strong or is really affecting your life in negative ways; you may want to talk to therapist like myself who can help you find better ways to reduce and manage anxiety. Here’s a link to how therapy can help with anxiety: APA: Beyond Worry: How Psychologists Help With Anxiety Disorders

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

References

Melissa Bateson, Ben Brilot, Daniel Nettle, Anxiety: An Evolutionary Approach. The Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, Vol 56, No 12, December 2011 W 715

Price J. S. (2003). Evolutionary aspects of anxiety disorders. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 5(3), 223–236.
https://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-46358789

Click to access ajassp.2016.189.199.pdf

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/mar/29/siberian-unicorn-extinct-humans-fossil-kazakhstan

Giant Bears, historic and ancient Over 12 feet tall – Monsters of the Past.

Bear Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Scared Man Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Another anxiety blog. Looking “through a glass darkly”. A key strategy in reducing anxiety.

Filed Under: Anxiety

Men, Anger and Anxiety

January 21, 2019 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Men, Anger and Anxiety

When you think about what anxiety looks like what symptoms do you think of? The American Psychological Association describes anxiety as: “An emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry. They may also have physical symptoms such as sweating, trembling, dizziness or a rapid heartbeat”.

When we think about anxiety we think about these kinds of symptoms:

Feeling nervous or fearful
Feeling tense, restless, on edge
Feeling an impending sense of doom or fear
An increased heart rate/heart palpitations
Breathing rapidly (hyperventilating)
Trembling and excessive sweating
Brain fog with trouble concentrating
Concentrating or even obsessing about certain negative thoughts

Often people with anxiety feel a sense of being tense and on edge and for many people, often men, sometimes being tense and on edge can also evolve into irritation, frustration and anger.

Research has shown that anxiety is quite likely connected with anger. In a nutshell, anxiety and fear act as a stimuli causing us to feel a sense of arousal and then some people may turn to anger as a defence mechanism of sorts; a defence mechanism intended to help them manage or lessen the anxious arousal feelings. Anger in this way can be seen as a “tool” for an anxious individual to try and regain some personal control and lessen their anxious feelings. Unfortunately if unchecked anger becomes the go to way to deal with anxiety… it can damage a person’s well being, their relationships, and even their mental and physical health.

Interestingly enough, some recent FMRI research even shows that anger and anxiety also activate and “light up” some of the same brain areas! So there is certainly some kind of a brain connection between anger and anxiety.

The anger-anxiety relationship also appears to be a complicated one. Recent research from Sonya Deschênes (2018) on Generalized Anxiety Disorder has found that unexpressed and internalized anger may be actually be one of the things that also underlies and fuels anxiety! People who “boil inside without showing it” on the outside are much more likely to experience generalized anxiety. According to Deschênes, a possible explanation for the anxiety-anger link is that:

when a situation is ambiguous, such that the outcome could be good or bad, anxious individuals tend to assume the worst. That often results in heightened anxiety. There is also evidence of that same thought process in individuals who are easily angered. Therefore, anger and GAD may be two manifestations of the same biased thought process.

Men, Anger and the Stigma of Emotions

In our current society, for men, emotions are still stigmatized. Little boys in our society are still told to “man up” when they’re feeling anxious nervous or afraid. When it comes to emotions like anger and anxiety, and most likely because of the patriarchal nature of our society and the concept of “toxic masculinity”; men haven’t been allowed to show weakness or emotions in a visible, obvious way. They’re told to not cry like a baby or to toughen up when they’re feeling anxious, upset and overwhelmed by their world. This effectively teaches boys and young men to deny or stuff their emotions down inside of themselves. Anyone that’s studied even a little bit of Psychology knows that stuffing emotions down probably isn’t a good thing; it can result in mental and even physical health problems.

Anxiety is not an emotion that takes well to being stuffed down and ignored. If it is, it can come out in all kinds of different and even unexpected ways. And one of those ways for men that has also been traditionally socially acceptable… is to be irritated, frustrated and angry.

For men, especially those with more traditional value systems, having anxiety and worrying about things just isn’t a socially acceptable behaviour that they can show in front of other people. Anxiety and worry are seen as weakness, and men are supposed to be strong, confident and sure of themselves! Showing that you have strong feelings of worry and anxiety about anything other than a bear is really seen as being weak and lacking in manliness! As a result, for some men, their anxiety “comes out” as what has traditionally been an acceptable emotion for men to display, and that’s anger.

When some men experience high amounts of anxiety and worry, their minds go into the fight-flight-response and the result is a readiness to “go to battle” and this results in feelings of anger and aggression. Being angry often makes men feel like they are doing something about the anxiety arousal they are feeling deeply inside. By getting angry and aggressive, they’re being a man and taking care of it. But unfortunately, displaying anger and “blowing up” every time they’re anxious can really take a toll on their health and interpersonal relationships.

Neglecting our anger feelings can actually be very harmful to us. Unresolved, internalized anger is damaging to our bodies, our interpersonal relationships and our own psychological well-being. Unresolved anger can leave us in a steady-state of perpetual emotional arousal, which can then increase the anxiety level in a vicious cycle of anger and anxiety, or can even make us feel chronically helpless and hopeless.

Unfairness in our life can make us feel threatened, vulnerable, shamed and even feel like we’re inadequate to meet our own needs. Those strong feelings of vulnerability and unfairness may then lead us to “personalize the experience” and feel like “This is being done to me” or “This is happening to me” and this can make us feel helpless and out of control. When we’re helpless and out of control, anger seems like a reasonable response at the time. Unfortunately, acting out in anger inappropriately or even in destructive ways may give us the illusion that we’re standing up for ourselves and “taking care of business” like men are supposed to do. We may feel better by not having to sit with and tolerate such difficult and even overwhelming feelings like anger. But if we make it a habit or pattern of angrily acting out, or exploding, we really only give our power over to the anger by letting it control our behaviour and our lives.

Anger, Anxiety and Health

The effects of consistently ignoring our emotions can really harm our physical and mental health as well. And unfortunately research has shown that the combination of anger and anxiety can especially result in numerous serious health issues like heart disease/high blood pressure, increased incidence of diabetes and autoimmune disease, compromised immune system, increased cholesterol, stomach/digestive problems, binge eating/obesity, and even sleep issues. The deadly duo of anger and anxiety also significantly increases the chances of death from cardiovascular disease and other disease!

High levels of anxiety and anger can also make us susceptible to mental health problems like “burn-out”, depression, and even schizophrenia. Luckily though other research has found that using self calming/relaxation strategies, mindfulness/meditation, physical exercise, and other self care/ self soothing strategies can lower our anger and anxiety and improve our health.

So if you think you may be someone or know someone that struggles with managing anger and anxiety what can you do? Here are some good steps to start with:

1. Challenge Your Anger Perspectives

How do you feel about anger? Although it’s not socially acceptable to display anger overtly and go “over the top”. Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to feel and even express anger. Anger is not necessarily always a negative emotion to be denied and avoided. In fact it can even be an appropriate response to certain life situations.

Anger is a sensible response when there is something like unfairness or injustice happening to us or someone else. That’s great if there is truly a reason to feel such a strong emotion. Unfortunately people who are prone to strong emotions like anger, may use it as their go to emotion. One size fits all.

Anger can also be a motivating force in our life that can be used to motivate us and help us to change what might be wrong in our life. So maybe it’s really okay to feel angry and frustrated once in a while?

Feelings like anger and anxiety may just “show up” and hit us without warning. Although we may not choose or ask to feel negative emotions, we can decide what we do with them. We can take control of the situation and even though we may have a super strong negative feeling, we can still decide whether to act on those feelings. And what we choose to do with those feelings is what’s most important. Psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl put it very aptly:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

It’s “normal” to have the “stimulus” of people, happenings and things in the world “make us” feel angry, but it’s not functional or productive for our “response” to be “acting out” with others in inappropriate angry ways that crosses their boundaries. We can choose to be angry and aggressive or we can choose to be appropriately assertive and express ourselves without crossing boundaries and hurting others. Self-help books or therapy can both be great ways to try and learn how to manage our anxiety and anger emotions in better, more productive ways. One of the best ways to start though, is to learn how to slow down.

2. Learn to Slow it Down!

Feeling angry is really a crappy feeling. So we need to try not to make it worse through rash or hotheaded behaviours (words/actions) towards others. It’s really about learning how to “respond rather than react” whenever possible. This means that you may have to pause or even take a step back and slow down. When we are in the grips of strong angry feelings our judgment is clouded and even our perceptions are somewhat distorted. In the moment calming strategies like deep breathing, taking a time out, learning to count to ten, can be helpful. Really any strategy that calms us and decreases our immediate emotional reactivity is helpful. Our goal should be to calm and empower ourselves to not react immediately to the anger stimulus. If we’re not angry we can be more balanced and logical in solving the problem that’s made us emotionally aroused. We need to learn and practice the skills that allow us to “respond” with calm, cool, logic and empathy rather than angry hotheaded “reactions.”

3. Learn to Feel All the Feelings

Maybe as a child you weren’t you weren’t taught to handle anxiety and/or anger in inappropriate and effective ways and as a result you don’t know what to do with it when you feel it? To start maybe it’ it’s important to allow yourself to learn how to feel all the feelings? Learn to feel the good, the bad, and maybe even the ugly? Many people try to fix their emotions as quickly and efficiently as they possibly can! But maybe sometimes it’s okay to learn how to “sit with uncomfortable feelings”. Here is a great link on how to do that with a Buddhist mindfulness strategy: How to Deal with Uncomfortable Feelings

This can be tough for many of us, but by learning to actually “listen to” our emotional thoughts and feelings, we can actually learn to manage them better and this can help us “feel better” and even improve the quality of our relationships at work and with our friends and family. Be aware though that if you decide to start feeling all the feelings, it can feel very overwhelming and if it feels unmanageable? Maybe getting the assistance of a psychologist might be very helpful.

4. Learn Relaxation and Mindfulness Strategies

Deep, calming breathing, muscle relaxation exercises and meditation/mindfulness are a great ways to start to learn how to defuse and lessen the impact of negative emotions like anger and anxiety. If you learn these kinds of strategies and start practicing them daily, you will gradually build skills that will help you manage difficult emotions in better was. Here is a good place to start: Mindfulness for Anxiety

Increasing physical activity is also a great way to reduce anxiety and anger. Even going for a brisk 2o minute walk every day may be enough to help improve our mood and help us manage negative emotions in better ways. Humour is also super useful to managing negative emotions. Seeing the irony or humour in negative situations can be invaluable.

5. Seek Professional Help

What if we have much childhood trauma, or other kinds of trauma from our past? What if that past trauma makes feeling feelings and dealing with the strong emotions of anxiety and anger very difficult and complicated? Maybe then it might be best to find a professional like a psychologist to help you learn to feel, interpret and manage those complicated emotions?

References:

Deschênes, Sonya S. (2014) The Role of Anger in Symptoms and Processes of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. PhD thesis, Concordia University.

Kimbrell, Tim A et al.Regional brain activity during transient self-induced anxiety and anger in healthy adults Biological Psychiatry , Volume 46 , Issue 4 , 454 – 465

Novaco, R. W. (1976). The functions and regulation of the arousal of anger. American Journal of Psychiatry, 133(10), 1124-1128.

Salleh M. R. (2008). Life event, stress and illness. The Malaysian journal of medical sciences : MJMS, 15(4), 9-18.

Suinn, R. M. (2001). The terrible twos—anger and anxiety: Hazardous to your health. American Psychologist, 56(1), 27-36. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.56.1.2

Understanding Anger PDF https://uhs.berkeley.edu /sites/default/files/understanding_anger_0.pdf

Note: This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Analysis Paralysis: Making Good Decisions with Anxiety

November 16, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

For many of us making a really good decision about a difficult or complicated situation can be a hard thing to do. And if we’re dealing with anxiety on top, it can almost feel impossible.

Research published in The Journal of Neuroscience shows that being in a state of anxiety significantly disrupts how our prefrontal cortex operates. The prefrontal cortex helps us to step out of “emotional thinking” when faced with a major decision. It helps with problem solving and decision-making, long-term planning, rule following, calculating risk and reward and in controlling our emotions. It actually helps to calm our amygdala, the part of the brain that is very “emotional” and processes our emotions, instincts and impulses, especially those related to fear and protecting ourselves from the environment around us.

The researchers in this study found that:

under anxiety, decision making may be skewed by salient and conflicting environmental stimuli at the expense of flexible top-down guided choices. We also find that anxiety suppresses spontaneous activity of PFC neurons, and weakens encoding of task rules by dorsomedial PFC neurons. These data provide a neuronal encoding scheme for how anxiety disengages PFC during decision making.

In other words, anxiety causes us to feel overwhelmed and unable to use logic and reason to make quick or flexible decisions. With anxiety the prefrontal cortex is “inhibited” in it’s action, we aren’t able to calm our emotional thinking and as a result our decision making capabilities are significantly diminished. This means when experiencing significant anxiety our decision making processes can be slowed and we may even be susceptible to making more errors and biased or illogical decisions.

As I’ve been told by many clients, sometimes people who are experiencing strong anxiety will stand in one aisle of the grocery store for 10 minutes or longer to decide on exactly the right cereal to buy.

And for some people it can really be life complicating. Reducing our anxiety levels is especially important during stressful times in our life, when we feel overwhelmed, or that life is spinning out of control. Worse yet anxiety can cause us to make poor decisions which can then create more anxiety, which then can lead to even more bad decisions in a vicious cycle.

So how do we make an effort to reduce our anxiety and make better decisions?

General Anxiety Reduction

First of all, some of the best ways to work on this anxiety-decision problem is to learn how to reduce our overall anxiety and stress levels through regularly using tools like mindfulness, meditation, yoga, physical exercise, practicing deep breathing/muscle relaxation techniques and watch our sugar and caffeine intake.

Another option is to explore self help strategies like these: https://adaa.org/tips-manage-anxiety-and-stress or trying a book like this one: https://www.guilford.com/books/The-Anxiety-and-Worry-Workbook/Clark-Beck/9781606239186.

If you’ve been battling with anxiety for a long time and you’re really struggling to find hope you also may want to try therapy with a qualified professional with a Psychologist like myself. Psychologists can help people:

Psychologists are trained in diagnosing anxiety disorders and teaching patients healthier, more effective ways to cope. A form of psychotherapy known as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is highly effective at treating anxiety disorders. Through CBT, psychologists help patients learn to identify and manage the factors that contribute to their anxiety.

Through the cognitive component of therapy, patients learn to understand how their thoughts contribute to their anxiety symptoms. By learning to change those thought patterns, they can reduce the likelihood and intensity of anxiety symptoms.

With the behavioral component, patients learn techniques to reduce undesired behaviors associated with anxiety disorders. Specifically, patients are encouraged to approach activities and situations that provoke anxiety (such as public speaking or being in an enclosed space) to learn that their feared outcomes (such as losing their train of thought or having a panic attack) are unlikely.

Here are a few links to more information about how a Psychologist can help you work on anxiety:

Beyond Worry: How Psychologists Help With Anxiety Disorders

3 Ways Therapy Helps You Address Anxiety

Expectations and Choices

Remember that no one in the world is perfect and no one ever makes all of the right decisions all of the time. So maybe one really good way to take some pressure off is to take the expectation off that you have to make the right decision every time. Anxiety makes decision-making super hard by deceiving us into believing that there are is only right choice and anything else is a wrong one. Anxiety can make you feel that there will be catastrophic consequences if you choose the Honeycombs and not the Lucky Charms, when in fact they are probably both terrible choices. 😀 It’s about using our self-talk to realize and “tell yourself” that there are usually no really wrong decisions and even if we make a wrong one we can probably work with it and the our world will not collapse.

Ask yourself, how big of a decision is this? Is it life and death or is it just a decision between Lucky Charms and Honeycomb? Does it really matter if you make an imperfect choice? You could also really push the boat out to, and just buy both cereals! (But maybe also budget for the dentist bill?).

Fake it to make it. Try to step into the calm cool of logic and away from the hot rushed feelings of anxiety.

Take a deep breath and ask yourself how important this decision truly is in the grand scheme of things? Rate the situation on a scale of 1 to 10. Even though it feels like an 11, we may logically and rationally know it’s only really a three. By challenging our emotional thinking with a rating strategy we can learn to really step out of fear and into calmer and more balanced thinking.

Is this worry realistic given the actual circumstances?
Is this negative consequence really likely to happen? 5% 20% or is it 50% chance?
Just what if the worst possible outcome happens?
Could I handle that worst possible outcome anyways? We often feel that the worst possible outcome is a huge toothy tiger, when in fact it might only be a cute wee, baby tiger. (More about tigers later)

Why Am I Anxious?

Past anxiety experiences stay with us as memories, held in our mind and in our bodies. A current anxiety situation may be small but if it’s similar enough to a “big” past anxiety situation, then our memory of the “big” past anxiety may be stoked by our current situation, making our current situation effectively feel like it’s twice as big!

Fearing Mistakes: The Good Enough Decision

Maybe it’s OK to make a good enough decision? What if we choose the wrong thing? Does it really matter in the scheme of things? Sometimes a bad decision can even turn into a good thing! History is chock full of examples where someone took the wrong door and things worked out even better for them. For instance, Columbus was trying to find an easier way to China when he tripped on North America!

Or how about Penicillin?

As the story goes, Dr. Alexander Fleming, the bacteriologist at St. Mary’s Hospital, went on summer vacation and made a decision to just leave a messy lab bench. When he returned he examined some colonies of Staphylococcus aureus that he left to grow and to his shock, Dr. Fleming noted that a mold called Penicillium had contaminated his Petri dishes. After carefully placing the dishes under his microscope, he was amazed to find that the Penicillium mold prevented the normal growth of the staphylococci, creating the groundwork for his life saving invention.

Fear of making a mistake can be linked to many causes. For some people having emotionally abusive, critical or unsupportive parents can create the groundwork for anxiety as adults. Because these people were ignored, undermined or even humiliated in childhood, they often carry those negative feelings into adulthood, hampering the confidence needed to make a a good decision.

Experiencing a past traumatic event can also be a cause. For example, say that in junior high you made a really bad decision that resulted in being teased and mocked and maybe even bullied. The experience might have been so terrible that you became afraid of failing in other things. And you carry that fear even now, years later.

When people are anxious, their brains start coming up with all sorts of flawed, outlandish and extreme ideas as a way to protect the individual from all possible threats. An anxious brain, in trying to be thorough, wastes time on exploring possible outcomes and consequences that are really pretty unlikely to occur. And really, these flawed worry thoughts only heighten an already anxious state. The anxious brain exaggerates possible consequences and this can make trying to make a decision an absolute nightmare.

When trying to relate to your sense of vulnerability or anxiety in a different way, it can be helpful to think of your desire to avoid it as someone living with a hungry baby tiger. Although the tiger is just a baby, he is scary enough, and you think he might bite you. So you go to the fridge to get some meat for him so he won’t eat you. And, sure enough, throwing him some meat shuts him up while he’s eating the meat, and he leaves you alone for a while. But he also grows just a little bigger.

So, the next time he’s hungry, he’s just a little bigger and a little more scary, and you go to the fridge to throw him some more meat. Again, you feed him to keep him at bay. The problem is that the more you feed him, the bigger he gets, and the more frightened you feel. Now eventually that little tiger is a big tiger, and he scares you more than ever. So you keep going back to the fridge to get more meat, feeding and feeding him, and hoping that one day he will leave you alone. Yet the tiger doesn’t leave — he just gets louder and more scary and hungry. And then one day you walk to the fridge, you open the door, and the fridge is empty. At this point, there is nothing left to feed the tiger . . . Nothing? . . . Except you!

from Eifert, G.H. & Forsyth J.P. (2005). Acceptance & Commitment Therapy for Anxiety Disorders (pp. 138–139). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger

Even though anxiety can feel huge and sometimes even feel overwhelming, we can remind ourselves that the anxiety we are feeling isn’t a”real” thing to fear… it’s not a tiger coming to eat us. It’s just a thought, just a feeling, there is no tiger unless we start to feed it!

Learn How to Trust Yourself

One great way to really bolster your decision making confidence is to look back at your life and all of the things you’ve accomplished and all of the decisions you’ve already made. I would even bet that because you’re so careful with decision making you may actually have a long history of making good decisions! Look to your past and all the decisions you’ve already made. Did it work out? Probably for the most part it did. And even if you made the wrong decisions in the past? You’re still here, you got through it and you survived! So any decision you make now probably just isn’t as life altering as you feel it is.

So that wraps our anxiety and decision making blog. I hope some of this stuff can help you get over your analysis paralysis and make easier and better decisions in your life!

References

Park J, Wood J, Bondi C, Del Arco A , Moghaddam B .Anxiety Evokes Hypofrontality and Disrupts Rule-Relevant Encoding by Dorsomedial Prefrontal Cortex Neurons. J Neurosci. 2016 Mar 16;36(11):3322-35. doi: 10.1523/JNEUROSCI.

Eifert, G.H. & Forsyth J.P. (2005). Acceptance & Commitment Therapy for Anxiety Disorders (pp. 138–139). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Recent Breakup? First Aid for Your Heart

October 15, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 6 Comments

We’ve all gone through a tough relationship breakup at some point or another, and many of us have gone through a divorce. Most of the time, they just aren’t an easy thing to go through. They’re painful and they hurt. We may feel rejected and broken, or we may feel terrible about having hurt someone we truly care about but just can’t be with. They can shake us to our very foundations.

Unfortunately, some people are much more affected than others by a breakup. Human brains are wired by evolution to “see” an intimate relationships as super important. They are our primary human mammal method for “mating” and procreating. We are hard-wired to value our intimate relationships and make them a priority. If they end, especially unexpectedly, we’re left reeling with a void in our lives and our minds.

Love and Addiction

Evolutionary Psychology and FMRI Brain Research even shows that being in love is really very much like having an addiction. When we’re in love the same brain circuitry is activated (and lights up on an FMRI!) as when we use cocaine! We actually get addicted to love, to being with our partner — and when they leave — it leaves us much like an addict without their drug. We actually go through love withdrawals! This also may explain why some people lose their appetites, lose large amounts of weight, get physically ill, feel exhausted and even develop anxiety disorders or clinical depression from a relationship loss.

Some people end up suffering a great deal after a breakup. A sudden or unexpected divorce or a high conflict breakup can even end up giving a person symptoms that are much like what happens after a trauma. People who experience a traumatic event in their lives will quite often react with feelings of shock, anger, nervousness, fear, grief, sadness and even guilt/shame. For most people, these common reactions will go away over time, but for someone experiencing severe post breakup distress, the feelings and negative emotions can continue to be present and maybe even escalate until the person has difficulty living their normal life.

The Symptoms of Breakup Distress

The symptoms of break up distress are many. Feeling like you’ve been kicked in the stomach and you can’t catch your breath, or feeling like you’ve been knocked down and can’t get up. There can be feelings of being rejected. Feelings of self doubt and shame are common. You may feel like you’re not good enough or feel less than others, or that maybe something is wrong with you. We may feel stuck and unable to let go or move on. We may have high feelings of arousal, an over awareness of our thoughts, emotions and even bodily sensations. There may be high anxiety levels, insomnia, a cognitive fog/trouble focusing and maybe even feeling hyper-vigilant (a feeling of being always on guard). This can also be feeling like you’re continuously stressed and edgy and every little thing gets to you.

People going through a breakup or divorce may remove themselves from the people or situations that are similar in some way to the traumatic break up event. People often feel or become detached from their loved ones and lose interest in their previous interests and passions. They may also avoid social situations or other stressful things.

People who have recently been rejected may also develop develop an obsessive anxiety kind of thinking. They may ruminate endlessly (think about over and over again) about their ex, about how badly and empty they are feeling, and how much they’ve lost and how will they ever go on?!?!

It’s also really hard because when we go through a break up, we’re left in a place where our entire future has now changed. We have to picture ourselves single and without the supportive person who has been super important and a daily constant in our life. This can bring up lots of fear and anxiety thoughts. We can feel like we have to make up a whole new life!

Triggers

These thoughts and feelings of loss may be triggered by places you used to go to with your ex, people you used to hang out together with, weekends and holidays can be particularly hard, and even simple everyday rituals that you shared can create emotional pain. If your ex is the person who made coffee every morning, making coffee for yourself is a constant reminder of your loss every morning! Experiencing a hard breakup is really quite a bit like dealing with any other kind of life trauma. You try to get on with life, you try to avoid the negative thoughts that cause you emotional pain and really try to find ways to keep yourself busy. And then sometimes you’ll also feel like you’re flooded by intense, sad, painful thoughts and memories and feelings. You may even find yourself in fearful or anxious obsessive feelings and thoughts. It can be a real emotional roller coaster!

Is it Affecting Your Life? A Lot?

In extreme situations some people may even feel like they are reliving/feeling the traumatic experience over and over again in their minds. This may include nightmares or flashbacks of the break up. This might also be constant unwanted thinking about the details of the breakup, sometimes even in an obsessive way. It can be like having unwanted feelings and thoughts in our head that just keep spinning and looping without any relief.

If you feel like you’re experiencing a number of these kinds of these symptoms or they are very severe and really affecting your life; or if you’re experiencing super high anxiety, obsessive thoughts, or you’re feeling really down and depressed — if you’re really suffering? First of all, I’m sorry that’s happening to you, secondly, it may be really important and helpful to speak to a mental health professional like a psychologist to help you process this experience and be able to get through this crappy painful experience as best you can.

Extreme reactions to a breakup are probably more common than we think, but really splitting up sucks for everyone. It’s probably on a continuum like most other human things; some people have a little grief and trauma and some people have a lot.

Regardless of where you are, let’s take a look at some ways to start taking your life back and begin feeling better, even if its only a little bit to start.

Allow Yourself The Time for Grief/Sadness

It’s totally okay to be sad, to feel down. It’s okay and maybe even a good idea to grieve the loss and feel all the feelings you’re feeling. If you’re in a safe place, (so probably not at your desk at work or on the bus) go ahead and allow yourself to feel the waves of sadness and loss you’re feeling. Cry or scream into a pillow if you have to. The important thing is to go ahead and feel the feelings. Again, if this is happening 2 weeks after the breakup, go with it, if it’s still happening and not improving one or two months down the road? Maybe see a professional for some help in your healing journey.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. ~Brené Brown

Go “No Contact” If You Have To

You might have a huge urge to call or text your ex. Of course you do, they were a big part of your life and now they are aren’t. You’re used to having them around. If the relationship is truly over and it’s painful to speak or be in contact with them, its perfectly okay to politely end contact with them for your own sense of well being and peace of mind.
Even though in today’s society it’s the trend to stay friends with all of your exes, you simply don’t have to if you don’t want to! It’s okay to do what’s right for you.

A really bad, old joke goes:

Patient lifts their arm and says:

“Hi Doctor, it hurts when I do this”.

The Doctor pauses, and says:

“Well then… don’t do that”.

It’s okay to cut ties with someone if they make you feel really badly and cause you to hurt.

Especially in today’s social media world, it may be best to cut back, unfollow or even block your ex if it’s too painful to watch them moving on. It hurts to watch someone moving on without us and especially since social media only shows the absolute best cherry-picked pics and moments of their life. If it’s too much and it hurts? Turn it off or surf somewhere else.

Don’t Date or Marry the Next Person You Trip Over

Some people jump right into new relationships right away after a breakup. They jump in without looking and without a life preserver. And hey, it’s an ego boost to have someone interested in you right away, it can be a rush that may even make you feel better temporarily. But unfortunately, if you’re really emotional and grieving, you really can’t be present and able to invest energy into a new person and relationship. You really do a disservice to the other person and to yourself if you jump in before you’re ready to swim. Rebound relationships probably have a bad reputation for a good reason.

Avoid the Bad Ways to Feel Good

Step away from the chocolate covered potato chips! Although things like junk food, alcohol, drugs or even sex with a stranger after the club can all make us feel better; it’s almost always just a temporary “feel better” and there is usually always a downside to the bad ways to feel good. There is always the risk of STD’s, hurting our health, gaining weight or the the risk of developing addictions. The reality is that many people develop addictions during a rough period in their lives. Instead, find healthy practices like physical exercise, or mindfulness meditation.

Take the Time For Gratitude & Mindfulness Practice

Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.

~ Kahlil Gibran

Feel gratitude for what you do have in your life; maybe it’s your house, or your your kids, or your job, or your friends and family, or even for your warm and cozy new sweater on a cold fall day. Making a gratitude list regularly can help with improving our mood and mental health and helps us get perspective on what’s truly important. 60 Things to Be Grateful For In Life

Make the time for mindful self awareness, start to believe that your feelings are just feelings, they are not who you are. Step back and observe them rather than getting stuck in them. Here are is a great article on using mindfulness to help you through a breakup. How to Have a Mindful Breakup—the Buddhist Way.

Validate Yourself! Get Involved With Life!

Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Volunteer, take a class, start a new hobby, play a new team sport, start working out again. Be creative and finish the painting that’s been collecting dust, write a short story, take up woodwork or knitting. Whatever it is, find things that make you feel good, activities that have goals you can accomplish and feel good about yourself.

The point is get involved with your life Even if you just go for a long drive or a long walk, get out of the house. Maybe sit in your local coffee shop and people watch or read a book. Find some music you like, and enjoy it, if it makes you feel better. But if you constantly end up listening to country breakup songs when you’d rather be feeling better? Stop it! Step away from the country!

Be Kind to Yourself

Cut yourself some slack, breakups happen to everyone. It’s not because you’re flawed or not good enough! It wasn’t “all your fault”. You were only 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship — not all of it! Breakups can cause us to have lots of negative feelings and emotions and sometimes the anxiety, anger and pain can be turned inwards on our self. Instead, try to be kinder to yourself and treat yourself with some compassion.

But this is all really part of being a flawed human — we all make mistakes with others and we may not always act in the best ways we could. But to put it frankly? We can’t change it! The past is the past and we can only learn from it. You did the best you could with what you had at the time!

You can have compassion for yourself-which is not self-pity. You’re simply recognizing that ‘this is tough, this hurts,’ and bringing the same warmhearted wish for suffering to lessen or end that you would bring to any dear friend grappling with the same pain, upset, or challenges as you. ~Rick Hanson

Science Is On Your Side

Epidemiology researcher Dr. Brian Boutwell, from Saint Louis University, analyzed numerous studies about breakups and love from an evolutionary psychology perspective. According to Dr. Boutwell,

Our review of the literature suggests we have a mechanism in our brains designed by natural selection to pull us through a very tumultuous time in our lives…it suggests people will recover; the pain will go away with time.

So there is actually a mechanism in our brain that pushes us to heal and get better! A mechanism that helps us move forward and get on with our lives! So even your brain is pulling for your to get through this!

Get Support

Find some ways to feel supported. Friends, family, spiritual involvement in your church, temple, mosque, ashram or other spiritual place. Maybe find a support group or make an appointment with a psychologist to get some support. Get some hugs! Getting hugged by someone who cares about us can really be a salve that helps us heal. Don’t isolate yourself! Don’t be afraid to reach out to your family and friends for help and support and maybe even a hug.

And finally here’s another blog with some more ideas on how to start to feel better: Start the Healing After an Emotional Trauma

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck – Dalai Lama

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

References

Boutwell, Brian B.; Barnes, J. C.; & Beaver, Kevin M. When love dies: Further elucidating the existence of a mate ejection module. Review of General Psychology, Vol 19(1), Mar 2015, 30-38 http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000022

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Filed Under: Divorce, General, Relationships, Trauma

September is Self-Improvement Month — 32 Ways to Improve Your Life!!!

September 6, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Human beings really have a strong natural desire to continuously want to improve themselves and the world around them. Self-improvement simply just means making an effort to become better. It’s about finding ways to live a better life through your own effort and learning new ways of being in the world. Since this month is Self-Improvement Month, it’s really a great opportunity for you to look for new ways of making yourself the best person that you can be! Self-improvement looks different for everyone and there are really many areas in which you can strive for self-improvement. The general areas for self-improvement include these parts of our life: intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical and financial.

So here’s a great list of ways people like to improve themselves. I hope this list helps you explore and get some ideas for yourself.

Eat healthier
Get more exercise
Improve or even change your job or career
Concentrate on having better relationships with our loved ones
Work on our own emotional control like learning to control our anger or negativity
Improve your time management
Start a new hobby or passion
Read more
Unplug from technology
Learn a new language
Travel to broaden your mind
Start to volunteer or find ways to help others
Change your surroundings, redecorate a room or even your house!
Learn to let go of regrets
Learn how to keep an open mind
Learn how to be more accepting and less judgemental of others

Get out of your comfort zone and overcome worry, anxiety or fearfulness
Get more or better quality sleep
Quit a bad habit like smoking or nail biting
Be kinder to yourself! Cut yourself some slack!
Learn how to deal with difficult people in better ways
Learn mindfulness meditation
Get better and more confident at public speaking or interacting with groups of people
Work on your personal financial goals
Learn how to have a more positive attitude
Work on being a better spouse/partner or better parent
Learn to stop procrastinating
Make an effort to make an effort in your life!
Learn to enjoy the simple pleasures in life
Learn how to feel and express gratitude
Learn to embrace and not fight change!
Learn how to deal with stress in better and healthier ways

So set some goals, get motivated and start to improve yourself and your life this month!

Oh and here’s a link to a great way to set those goals using the SMART goal process: SMART GOALS

Also, remember that seeing a psychologist can also be a great way to help improve your life! Psychologists are trained professionals whose very “raison d’être” is to help you explore, set, and achieve your life goals!

Filed Under: General, Self-Esteem

Fighting to Be Right: How to Win Your Marriage Conflicts

July 4, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

So how do you win a marriage conflict?

The short answer? A win in marriage occurs when both people feel that a disagreement was resolved fairly and both people actually feel it was a win-win. Usually, if one person wins? The marriage loses.

Be really honest with yourself, when you fight or have a marriage conflict with your partner, do you fight to win? Fight to be right? Fight to get your way? How is that working out? Are there lots of conflicts? Lots of unresolved conflicts, maybe? Well, unfortunately, these problems could actually be because of the competitive way you fight and it could even end up being the problem that may end your relationship.

As part of my private practice as a Psychologist, I often work with couples. And frankly? Sometimes it can be a really hard row to hoe! One of the most troublesome situations any marriage therapist faces occurs when the couple they are helping out seem to be constantly trying to “win the argument”. Each person wants to be THE person who is always right in every single, darn conflict. These are the kinds of “competitive marriages” where every little conflict becomes a deeply competitive matter of who is right or wrong.

Often these types of couples become painfully obvious to the therapist when they look to the therapist to be the judge, jury and executioner in every little marriage conflict they have. They each passionately present their “case” to the therapist and expect them to pass judgement on who is WRONG! And if they are both “wrong” to some degree (which is often the case by the way), they will even argue about who is the “most wrongest!”

Admit when you’re wrong and shut-up when you’re right! ~ John Gottman

I recently asked a friend of mine who’s been happily married for 24 years what the secret really is. His response was that as long as what his wife says doesn’t harm him or the marriage, either emotionally or financially — it’s really water off a duck’s back and it just doesn’t matter. That really gets to the heart of the matter. Sometimes your partner is going to think differently than you do! He and his wife have made the conscious choice to not conflict about the small things. Of course, it’s important to resolve conflicts but maybe the lesson my friend has learned in his marriage is that not all conflicts are worth having a no holds barred cage match over. Maybe it really makes more sense to pick your battles and just let the small things go?

If it’s hard to do that, it could be because either you or your partner or both of you are just naturally competitive or maybe even revel in winning a conflict. Some people are just more likely than others to have this competitiveness trait. It’s root probably lies in a leftover survival instinct; a biological competitiveness from our evolutionary history, where we had to compete with others for resources like food and mates!

And here are some great practical steps to start stopping your competitiveness:

You don’t need to solve every marriage conflict right here, right now!

Although this seems a bit counterintuitive, it’s also often a really successful way to approach marriage conflict. Not every marital problem has to be solved right now, today, with a sense of urgency and stress!!! Really, more important than solving any problem, is trying to create a sense of closeness, safety and comfort in your relationship. Sometimes it’s more important to put things on the back burner for a while, especially if the conflict is about things that really aren’t that important in the big scheme of things. For instance, if your partner has just worked a 12 hour day and they’re cranky, hungry and tired may not be the time to bring up that they’ve not been as close and attentive as you’d like. When it comes to conflict, timing is everything. Maybe even choose a set time to discuss conflictual matters. Weirdly enough, for many couples, if they pick a set time to deal with potentially difficult problems it actually seems to reduce the chances of conflict.

Being “right” usually only applies to math problems!

This step is about realizing that sometimes your partner just might be right even if they aren’t! And even if they aren’t completely right, they have a right to see the world in the way they see it! They have a right to have different ideas and opinions about things in life than you do. There is rarely only one way to see things in our world, most often, and with most issues, there are varying shades of grey. Your partner sees the world differently than you do. So what? Let it be and accept that they are different! They don’t have to be the same as you are and see everything the same ways.

It’s not a game nor a competition!

Strong and steady relationships are built on teamwork. It’s about finding the win-win. Finding what solution to the problem is the best for each partner and ultimately what’s best for their marriage! Fighting to win or be right in every marriage conflict creates a win-lose atmosphere and often ultimately ends in both partners losing and sometimes ultimately even losing the relationship!

Fighting fair

Everyone argues at some point, but those who fight fair in their marriage conflict, stick to the subject, and avoid insults or passive aggressiveness and are more likely to come up with a possible solution. Partners should learn to take a short break away from each other if the discussion gets too heated or intense. Here is a great article on fighting fair — Fighting Fair in A Relationship: How to Get What You Need and Stay Close While You Do It

We don’t always have to agree!

Sometimes there is a belief that we always have to agree for a relationship to be a good one. And to that, I say horsefeathers! In any long-term relationship, we should expect that there are going to be differences of opinion and one person is rarely always or even mostly right.

Play on the same team!

This is about making a super important mental shift from “me” to “we” — to see yourselves as two parts of a whole. Seeing your relationship as a team effort. Your relationship as something you are working on together rather than as competition to be right or a competition you’re trying to win.

In my couples counselling, I have seen many couples start to improve their lives together greatly just by making the mental shift from “me” to “we” – from being in competition to being on the same team!

You’re a team — and deciding this makes you see the world differently. When it comes to you and your partner versus the world, more often than not you should take their side. Be your partner’s ally against all the BS the world might throw at you and never do or say things that could leave them feeling hurt, insignificant or all alone.

Support or stand up for your partner when you see them feeling beat up, put down or discouraged. Support your partner by being in their corner, reminding them about how great they are, about all their positive qualities — and do this especially when the world gets them down and they are doubting themselves. Being teammates means you both have the same goals and you support and help each other get through life. You have their back and they have yours. Doesn’t that sound like a wonderful thing to have in your life? Someone that accepts you and supports your goals and is there to help you pick up the pieces when things seemingly fall apart? There is strength in numbers and two against the world is much strong than one!

Empathy & compassion

We can really reduce marriage conflict if we act in ways that are empathetic and compassionate. Having empathy and compassion simply means to try and walk in your spouse’s shoes and understand each situation from their own unique perspective. You don’t even have to agree with your spouse to understand where he or she is coming from in life. Just realize their ideas and thoughts are as valid and important as yours!

What’s your role?

One of the best ways to lessen conflict in a relationship is for both people to really take a hard look at what their role is in that conflict. Are you the person that keeps picking at a conflict, or the person that has to have a resolution right now! A big problem that often keeps people from making an effort is that sometimes it’s really hard to admit that they are more likely than not partially at fault for the problems in their relationship. It really takes two to tango.

Really we are 100% responsible for our 50% of a relationship — let that sink in. We are 100% responsible for our 50% of a relationship.

Relationships at a fundamental level are really about how two people interact together on a daily basis. When things go sideways and conflicts happen…. people often feel emotionally hurt and put the blame on their partner, effectively dodging their own negative behaviours and their own weaknesses. For many, it’s easier to just blame our spouse than it is to accept that we may be imperfect or flawed in some way.

So to make a relationship work we need to really look beyond our own denial at ourselves and our own behaviours. The key to change isn’t about how wrong our partner is or about changing our partner and their behaviours —– it often really lies in examining and changing ourselves.

So I hope this blog has given you some tools to start exploring how to win your marriage conflict!

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

Depression and Your Sex Life

June 22, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Depression affects people in many ways, both mentally and physically and it can have a really significant impact on your libido or sexual drive. To put it simply, when in a depression, a person is usually less likely to feel sexually aroused or even care about sexuality — let alone want to enjoy their sex life. Depression itself, the stresses of managing it, or even sometimes the side effects of antidepressants can all affect sex drive and performance.

Research in the past has found that depression can lower or paradoxically even raise the sex drive in some people. Depression can affect the ability to get aroused and have an erection in men. In women, depression can affect the ability to become aroused, make it difficult to orgasm or even affect the menstrual cycle itself.

Not surprisingly depression extinguishes libido, makes the person resistant to arousal, and may actually impair the physiological vasocongestive sexual response. Erection in the male is especially vulnerable to depression. There is some evidence to indicate that endocrine as well as psychological factors may play a role in the diminished sexuality of depressed patients (Reynaert et al 2010)

How does depression affect sex?

Overall, sexuality is most often affected in these general ways with depression:

The levels of hormones and neurotransmitters involved in depression (like serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine) may also lower the libido, decreasing your want for sex and may also decrease your actual physical sexual performance. Also when someone is depressed or anxious, the levels of the stress hormones, like cortisol, increase significantly and the body effectively goes into a fight-flight response. In the fight-flight response, the mind and body become solely concerned with basic survival matters and sexuality isn’t even an afterthought. In fact, excessive stress and cortisol may even lower the body’s level of sexual hormones; so no wonder stress has such an effect on sex!
Depression causes fatigue and an overall lack of interest in living life, and of course, sex is not an exception. Strong feelings of disinterest in the world, overwhelming fatigue and tiredness often don’t leave much room for sexuality. Secondly, people who are depressed often withdraw and isolate themselves from others — withdrawal and isolation do not fit well together with sexuality.
Depression can make also make the sufferer feel crappy about themselves and this affects self-esteem and how they “see” themselves, both physically and mentally. If someone sees themselves in this negative light, it’s hard to be vulnerable, open and literally “naked” with someone else.
The medications used to treat depression, the SSRI’s and SSNRI’s, can have side effects that can seriously affect sexual function. These side effects present themselves in two main ways. One, some people have a significantly reduced desire for sexuality and two, some people report having a side effect that involves the delay of orgasm. Some people on certain antidepressants may even lose the ability to orgasm altogether! Here’s a good article on the sexual side effects of antidepressants: Managing Antidepressant Sexual Side Effects

So, what can you do if you or a loved one is struggling with the complicated issue of sex and depression?

Access Therapy

One of the best ways to deal with all of the issues around sexuality and depression is to access therapy with a professional like a Psychologist or Clinical Social Worker. Accessing therapy can help you “work on” the depression overall and there are literally mountains of research showing that therapy works to help people with depression. Particularly, there is a lot of research showing that two types of therapy are particularly helpful for depression. From the American Psychological Association:

Two of the most common evidence-based therapies for depression are cognitive behavioural therapy and interpersonal therapy.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy in which patients learn to identify and manage negative thought and behaviour patterns that can contribute to their depression. CBT helps patients identify unhelpful or negative thinking, change inaccurate beliefs, change bbehavioursthat might make depression worse, and interact with others in more positive ways.
Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) is a form of therapy in which patients learn to improve their relationships with others by better expressing their emotions and solving problems in healthier ways. IPT helps patients resolve or adapt to troubling life events, build social skills and organize their relationships to increase support for coping with depressive symptoms and life stressors.

Therapy has been proven to be as effective, if not more effective than using antidepressant medications, and without the side effects! As well, research shows that using therapy may be more effective in the long term than using antidepressant medications.

Explore medications and other treatment options

If you are on antidepressants and you find they are working for your depression but causing sexual side effects like loss of libido or delayed ejaculation/orgasm — you may want to consult with your GP or Psychiatrist to try a different antidepressant medication that may affect you less when it comes to sexuality. If you are on antidepressant medications and they don’t seem to be helping with the depression and they are causing sexual side effects, you may want to try another option like psychotherapy or even something new like neurofeedback strategies, vagus nerve stimulation or even significantly changing your diet and exercise plans. Take the time, be honest with, and consult with your doctor and explore the other options that may be available.

And of course, never stop using an antidepressant medication without first consulting a medical professional!

Self-care

Self-care is crucial to anyone suffering from depression. Self-care first of all means being kinder to yourself and becoming aware of your needs. Self-care also means doing the things in your life that are healthy and positive. Eating well, hydrating, taking medications that are helping, going to therapy, getting plenty of fresh air and exercise are all part of caring for yourself. If you take better overall care of yourself you may actually find some relief from the depression and in turn, an increased interest in our sexuality. Here are some links to effective self-care strategies:

Work on your sexuality & relationship!

As simple as it sounds, actually taking the time and effort to work on the sexual relationship with your partner (regardless of the depression) can pay off with big returns. Sexuality can even have a positive effect in lessening depression as it creates a sense of human connection and lowers our levels of overall anxiety and stress! The warm afterglow of sex gives you an endorphin/hormone boost that can often help alleviate depressive symptoms, even if only for a short while.

To work on a sexual relationship there has to be connection and communication. Here are some ways to start to do that:

Learn to connect with your partner without the stress of sexual performance expected or involved: A good way to improve the connection with our partner is to keep physically connected to them without expectations of sex. Holding hands, hugging, kissing and cuddling are great ways to help us reconnect. We can also go for walks together, give each other massages, or maybe even cooking a meal together can be a great way to start connecting.
Communicate with your partner: Sex is really a form of communication between partners and often depression’s tendency towards isolation and solitude can really affect this ongoing communication with your partner. There has to be an effort made to connect and share your thoughts with your partner if we want our relationship to improve sexually and otherwise. Partners need to share with each other the details of their sexual needs and interests. Interestingly too, creating this increased “sense of connection” with our partner can also even help with your depression. There is a great deal of research showing that increased human connection can have a great effect in helping someone lessen their depression. As well, making an effort in the areas of communication and empathy for each other may take some of the sexual pressure off the relationship. Like any other part of a relationship, it’s truly on both partners to take the time to negotiate and accommodate the how, when, where and why of sex.
Prioritize your sexuality: Make the time for sexuality in your life, even schedule it if you have to! You may also find it helpful to have sex even if you’re not completely feeling in the mood. Of course, you shouldn’t force yourself to do anything you don’t want to, but sometimes pushing yourself a wee bit can have a great payoff. Sometimes the “hardest part” of sex is the getting started part! Often many people realize mid-sex that sex is actually way more fun than they remember.
Expectations and Compromise: Like any other part of a relationship, sexuality is about having realistic expectations and compromising. If depression is limiting your sexuality to some degree? Maybe it may be a good thing to keep an open mind and experiment a little with the kinds and types of sexuality that we have in our relationship. For instance, if in the past, sex sessions lasted hours long and were very physical in nature — maybe if there is depression involved now, it’s okay to experiment with a different kind of sexuality that may be less intense or requires less energy and intensity? One that may be shorter in length or more about connection and passion, or may include sexual different acts that make both partners content? As long as both partner’s needs are made paramount, its okay to experiment with different kinds of sex acts that take into account the effects of depression.
Seek the help of a professional: If you’ve tried some different strategies and you and your partner are still struggling with sex and depression you may want to seek the services of a psychologist, sex therapist or a couples therapist to help you navigate and improve this area of your life.

Depression doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of sexuality in a relationship. We may have to change some expectations on ourselves, our partner or in other areas like frequency or type of sex, but it doesn’t have to be the end. If both partners make an effort to be caring and empathic with each other, sexuality can continue to be a way to connect and show our partner our love for them, regardless of the depression.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

References

Christine Reynaert, Nicolas Zdanowicz, Pascale Janne & Denis Jacques DEPRESSION AND SEXUALITY Psychiatria Danubina, 2010; Vol. 22, Suppl. 1, pp 111–113 Conference paper

OVERCOMING DEPRESSION HOW PSYCHOLOGISTS HELP WITH DEPRESSIVE DISORDERS — American Psychological Association Fact Sheet 2016

DeRubeis, R. J., Siegle, G. J., & Hollon, S. D. (2008). Cognitive therapy vs. medications for depression: Treatment outcomes and neural mechanisms. Nature Reviews. Neuroscience, 9(10), 788–796. http://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2345

Leuner B, Glasper ER, Gould E (2010) Sexual Experience Promotes Adult Neurogenesis in the Hippocampus Despite an Initial Elevation in Stress Hormones. PLoS ONE 5(7): e11597. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0011597

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Depression

Life begins on the other side of despair Sartre

May 28, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Five Big Misunderstandings About Therapy

May 18, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 2 Comments

Even though we have made tremendous progress in reducing the stigma and negative conceptions around mental illness and going to therapy — there is still a great deal of misunderstanding and many misconceptions about it.

Here are 5 of the most popular misconceptions about therapy to help you learn a little bit more and help reduce some of the stigma and misunderstandings.

Therapy is All About Blaming The Past

A long-standing assumption about therapy is that it consists of spending an hour each week digging deeply and painfully into your childhood experiences and blaming your mother, your father, a teacher perhaps, and maybe a bully from grade 2 for all of your current life problems. But really, going to therapy isn’t just about your past and looking for others to place the blame on or looking for what the past “has done to you”.

Psychologists do have to help a client look into their past to some degree to help them get a clear picture of the experiences and patterns that have helped shape who they are — but this is only a small part of therapy in practice. If you’re new to the therapy process you may want to get on with it and solve your problems! Right now! Many new clients have a sense of urgency about the process and want to get on with it and change things!

But really, the first stage of therapy is about the psychologist and the client gathering information together as a way for both to get a global sense of understanding about what’s going on. Often, a deeper of understanding of ourselves and our full range of life experiences can really help us find insights into what’s going on in our lives; the patterns we need to change and the actions we need to take to make things better. A psychologist must ask questions about their client’s life history in order to truly help the client understand themselves.

Past experiences shape our personalities and worldviews — effectively “who we are”. Your psychologist is not interested in you placing the blame on anyone, but you will need to explore the past to some degree for the therapy to be productive.

It’s Just Like Having a Weekly Talk with a Close Friend

The place and maybe even responsibility of our close friends and family, of course, is to listen to and support you, but they are not really prepared with the tools you need to help you tackle and find real solutions to your biggest problems or problem behaviours. Therapists, however, are uniquely qualified to help you by offering more than just a kind ear or supposedly good advice. In fact, sometimes our friends may even have the best intentions for us but their advice may just suck!

Psychologists have trained many years (some even as long as 10-12 years!) to learn and develop a deeper and more comprehensive understanding of human nature. They can help you recognize your own inefficient or even dysfunctional thinking and behaviour patterns — and then provide the strategies and tools necessary to make the changes. They can also help you to gain a fresh perspective on the events of your life and the choices you’ve made.

And finally, we don’t always want our friends or family to know what’s going on in our lives. Because therapy is confidential and because your therapist’s only vested interest in you is helping you improve yourself and overcome your challenges, it is generally easier talking openly with them. Only by being totally honest and transparent about your life and yourself can you hope to create lasting change.

Here is a link to some great information on what therapy with a Psychologist looks like: Understanding Psychotherapy

The Psychologist Is a Guru Who Has All the Answers

There is a popular misconception in our culture, probably partly from popular self-help shows like Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil that the psychologist has all the answers to life’s problems and puzzles. (Don’t even get me started on how far away from real therapy these shows are)

There is a false belief that psychologists are somehow omniscient and should be on a mountaintop somewhere espousing their infinite advice and wisdom. They will just sit you down and tell you exactly what to do to fix your life.

Although the psychologist is trained in understanding the complicated underlying dynamics of human thinking and behaviours. Therapists are not supposed to be gurus of wise and sage advice. The psychologist isn’t there to provide the answers, instead, their job is to help the client explore their own deepest thoughts, behaviours and emotions and in doing so, become an expert in their own unique life circumstances — to help them find insights and perhaps even find better ways of interacting with the world that will help them lead better and more fulfilled lives.

This is not to say that therapists will not sometimes give some suggestions and advice that may be helpful, this isn’t the central role of their job. Their purpose is to really support and encourage you in understanding yourself and your situation better, so you can do what’s best for you in your life — not what they think is best for your life.

The Fast Food Effect: The Expectation That You’ll Feel Better Instantly

Many people new to the therapy experience make the mistake of having super high and unreasonable expectations about how long it takes for therapy to do its magic. They get frustrated and quit when they don’t feel any better after only one or two meetings with their therapist! The reality is, however, that it really takes one or two sessions just to properly and adequately tell your life story, not to mention that a crucial part of successful therapy is about developing a sense of security and trust with your psychologist — and sometimes that takes time.

In our current “fast food”, “instant fix” world we have an expectation of instant results! Sadly, I have seen this happen many, many times in my practice. Clients expect results for the hard earned money they are spending, and I totally agree they should get bang for their buck! However, the therapy process shouldn’t be thought of as a quick fix but instead, a process that is unique and special for each individual client. Some people may see results right away but many require a more long-term consistent effort and commitment to the process.

According to psychotherapy effectiveness expert Michael Lambert, therapy is really highly effective for many clients and:

30% feel somewhat better after the first three sessions
50% of patients respond positively by about the 8th session
75% need at least 14 sessions to experience a significant degree of relief

So, if you’ve been in therapy for a while now and there is no real improvements you can feel? Maybe have a frank and direct talk with your therapist about how to move forward and change strategy or even change therapists.

Also, it is super important to understand that the process of therapy won’t always feel good — remembering or talking about unpleasant things, feelings, or thoughts may result in experiencing considerable discomfort or even strong feelings of anger, sadness, worry, fear, etc, or anxiety, depression, insomnia, etc.. A psychologist may challenge a client’s assumptions or perceptions or may propose thinking about things differently which can cause you to feel upset, angry, sad, challenged or maybe even disappointed. A psychologist may help us uncover some realities and truths in our lives and sometimes that can be an unpleasant thing. Usually true growth and improvement requires honesty with ourselves and an acceptance of our situation and that isn’t always a happy, feel-good thing.

Only People Who Are “Mentally Ill” Go to Therapy

Again with the ongoing social stigma and negative attitudes around mental health, there is a preconception that only people with serious mental illness need therapy. But really, therapy can help many people with many types of problems; not just anxiety, depression or personality disorders. Many people go to therapy to help them deal with the “normal” problems of life that everyone experiences. Things like:

Loss and grieving after a loved one’s death
The loss and pain after a divorce or breakup
Improving our relationships with our partners, friends and children
Making big decisions in our life
Getting along with others in better ways at work or school
Stress reduction
Increasing and developing our self-motivational or time management skills
Being bullied
Beginning our life again after a big traumatic event
Dealing with pain and chronic illness or other health issues
Drug and alcohol abuse and addiction
Dealing with difficult people
Managing anger or jealousy or perfectionism or other negative emotions that are holding you back
Loneliness & isolation
Developing greater empathy and kindness towards others
Loneliness & isolation
Being newly married or a new parent
Moving away to go to school or work

Sometimes life can really go “sideways” on us and it can really help to have someone on our side, someone that can help us think more clearly, see other perspectives and start the process of recovering and feeling better. Therapy can be that timely resource, that will help support, encourage and guide you. Therapy can be there for you to help you become more resilient and stronger when life takes that sideways turn!

So I hope this blog has exposed and explained some of the most popular misconceptions about going to therapy. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring therapy or if you have any questions, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

References:

Lambert, Michael (2013) Editor Bergin and Garfield’s Handbook of Psychotherapy and Behavior Change, 6th Edition, Wiley

Filed Under: General, Therapy

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1. Challenge Your Anger Perspectives

2. Learn to Slow it Down!

3. Learn to Feel All the Feelings

4. Learn Relaxation and Mindfulness Strategies

5. Seek Professional Help

General Anxiety Reduction

Expectations and Choices

Taking the “Logical” Perspective

Why Am I Anxious?

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Love and Addiction

The Symptoms of Breakup Distress

Triggers

Is it Affecting Your Life? A Lot?

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Go “No Contact” If You Have To

Don’t Date or Marry the Next Person You Trip Over

Avoid the Bad Ways to Feel Good

Take the Time For Gratitude & Mindfulness Practice

Validate Yourself! Get Involved With Life!

Be Kind to Yourself

Science Is On Your Side

Get Support

You don’t need to solve every marriage conflict right here, right now!

Being “right” usually only applies to math problems!

It’s not a game nor a competition!

Fighting fair

We don’t always have to agree!

Play on the same team!

Empathy & compassion

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How does depression affect sex?

Access Therapy

Explore medications and other treatment options

Self-care

Work on your sexuality & relationship!

Therapy is All About Blaming The Past

It’s Just Like Having a Weekly Talk with a Close Friend

The Psychologist Is a Guru Who Has All the Answers

The Fast Food Effect: The Expectation That You’ll Feel Better Instantly

Only People Who Are “Mentally Ill” Go to Therapy