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Recent Breakup? First Aid for Your Heart

October 15, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 6 Comments

We’ve all gone through a tough relationship breakup at some point or another, and many of us have gone through a divorce.   Most of the time, they just aren’t an easy thing to go through.  They’re painful and they hurt.   We may feel rejected and broken, or we may feel terrible about having hurt someone we truly care about but just can’t be with.  They can shake us to our very foundations.

Unfortunately, some people are much more affected than others by a breakup.  Human brains are wired by evolution to “see” an  intimate relationships as super important.   They are our primary human mammal method for “mating” and procreating.  We are hard-wired to value our intimate relationships and make them a priority.  If they end, especially unexpectedly, we’re left reeling with a void in our lives and our minds.

Love and Addiction

Evolutionary Psychology and FMRI Brain Research even shows that being in love is really very much like having an addiction.   When we’re in love the same brain circuitry is activated (and lights up on an FMRI!) as when we use cocaine!   We actually get addicted to love, to being with our partner — and when they leave — it leaves us much like an addict without their drug.  We actually go through love withdrawals!  This also may explain why some people lose their appetites, lose large amounts of weight, get physically ill, feel exhausted and even develop anxiety disorders or clinical depression from a relationship loss.

Some people end up suffering a great deal after a breakup.   A sudden or unexpected divorce or a high conflict breakup can even end up giving a person symptoms that are much like what happens after a trauma.  People who experience a traumatic event in their lives will quite often react with feelings of shock, anger, nervousness, fear, grief, sadness and even guilt/shame.  For most people, these common reactions will go away over time, but for someone experiencing severe post breakup distress, the feelings and negative emotions can continue to be present and maybe even escalate until the person has difficulty living their normal life.

The Symptoms of Breakup Distress 

The symptoms of break up distress are many.  Feeling like you’ve been kicked in the stomach and you can’t catch your breath, or feeling like you’ve been knocked down and can’t get up.  There can be feelings of being rejected. Feelings of self doubt and shame are common.   You may feel like you’re not good enough or feel less than others, or that maybe something is wrong with you.   We may feel stuck and unable to let go or move on.   We may have high feelings of arousal, an over awareness of our thoughts, emotions and even bodily sensations.   There may be high anxiety levels, insomnia, a cognitive fog/trouble focusing and maybe even feeling hyper-vigilant (a feeling of being always on guard).   This can also be feeling like you’re continuously stressed and edgy and every little thing gets to you.

People going through a breakup or divorce  may remove themselves from the people or situations that are similar in some way to the traumatic break up event.  People often feel or become detached from their loved ones and lose interest in their previous interests and passions.  They may also avoid social situations or other stressful things.

People who have recently been rejected may also develop develop an obsessive anxiety kind of thinking. They may ruminate endlessly (think about over and over again) about their ex, about how badly and empty they are feeling, and how much they’ve lost and how will they ever go on?!?!

It’s also really hard because when we go through a break up, we’re left in a place where our entire future has now changed. We have to picture ourselves single and without the supportive person who has been super important and a daily constant in our life.   This can bring up lots of fear and anxiety thoughts.  We can feel like we have to make up a whole new life!

Triggers

These thoughts and feelings of loss may be triggered by places you used to go to with your ex, people you used to hang out together with, weekends and holidays can be particularly hard, and even simple everyday rituals that you shared can create emotional pain.  If your ex is the person who made coffee every morning, making coffee for yourself is a constant reminder of your loss every morning!   Experiencing a hard breakup is really quite a bit like dealing with any other kind of life trauma.  You try to get on with life, you try to avoid the negative thoughts that cause you emotional pain and really try to find ways to keep yourself busy.   And then sometimes you’ll also feel like you’re flooded by intense, sad, painful thoughts and memories and feelings.  You may even find yourself in fearful or anxious obsessive feelings and thoughts.   It can be a real emotional roller coaster!

Is it Affecting Your Life?  A Lot? 

In extreme situations some people may even feel like they are reliving/feeling the traumatic experience over and over again in their minds.  This may include nightmares or flashbacks of the break up.  This might also be constant unwanted thinking about the details of the breakup, sometimes even in an obsessive way.   It can be like having unwanted feelings and thoughts in our head that just keep spinning and looping without any relief.

If you feel like you’re experiencing a number of these kinds of these symptoms or they are very severe and really affecting your life; or if you’re experiencing super high anxiety, obsessive thoughts, or you’re feeling really down and depressed — if you’re really suffering?   First of all, I’m sorry that’s happening to you, secondly, it may be really important and helpful to speak to a mental health professional like a psychologist to help you process this experience and be able to get through this crappy painful experience as best you can.

Extreme reactions to a breakup are probably more common than we think, but really splitting up sucks for everyone.   It’s probably on a continuum like most other human things;  some people have a little grief and trauma and some people have a lot.

Regardless of where you are, let’s take a look at some ways to start taking your life back and begin feeling better, even if its only a little bit to start.

Allow Yourself The Time for Grief/Sadness

It’s totally okay to be sad, to feel down.   It’s okay and maybe even a good idea to grieve the loss and feel all the feelings you’re feeling.  If you’re in a safe place, (so probably not at your desk at work or on the bus) go ahead and allow yourself to feel the waves of sadness and loss you’re feeling.  Cry or scream into a pillow if you have to.  The important thing is to go ahead and feel the feelings.  Again, if this is happening 2 weeks after the breakup, go with it, if it’s still happening and not improving one or two months down the road?  Maybe see a professional for some help in your healing journey.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.   ~Brené Brown

Go “No Contact” If You Have To

You might have a huge urge to call or text your ex.  Of course you do, they were a big part of your life and now they are aren’t.  You’re used to having them around. If the relationship is truly over and it’s painful to speak or be in contact with them, its perfectly okay to politely end contact with them for your own sense of well being and peace of mind.
Even though in today’s society it’s the trend to stay friends with all of your exes, you simply don’t have to if you don’t want to!  It’s okay to do what’s right for you.

A really bad, old joke goes: 

Patient lifts their arm and says:

“Hi Doctor, it hurts when I do this”.

The Doctor pauses, and says:

“Well then…  don’t do that”.

It’s okay to cut ties with someone if they make you feel really badly and cause you to hurt.

Especially in today’s social media world, it may be best to cut back, unfollow or even block your ex if it’s too painful to watch them moving on.  It hurts to watch someone moving on without us and especially since social media only shows the absolute best cherry-picked pics and moments of their life.  If it’s too much and it hurts?   Turn it off or surf somewhere else.

Don’t Date or Marry the Next Person You Trip Over

Some people jump right into new relationships right away after a breakup.  They jump in without looking and without a life preserver.   And hey, it’s an ego boost to have someone interested in you right away, it can be a rush that may even make you feel better temporarily.  But unfortunately, if you’re really emotional and grieving, you really can’t be present and able to invest energy into a new person and relationship.  You really do a disservice to the other person and to yourself if you jump in before you’re ready to swim.   Rebound relationships probably have a bad reputation for a good reason.

Avoid the Bad Ways to Feel Good

Step away from the chocolate covered potato chips!  Although things like junk food, alcohol, drugs or even sex with a stranger after the club can all make us feel better; it’s almost always just a temporary “feel better” and there is usually always a downside to the bad ways to feel good.    There is always the risk of STD’s, hurting our health, gaining weight or the the risk of developing addictions.  The reality is that many people develop addictions during a rough period in their lives.   Instead,  find healthy practices like physical exercise, or mindfulness meditation.   

Take the Time For Gratitude & Mindfulness Practice

Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.

~ Kahlil Gibran

Feel gratitude for what you do have in your life; maybe it’s your house, or your your kids, or your job, or your friends and family, or even for your warm and cozy new sweater on a cold fall day.   Making a gratitude list regularly can help with improving our mood and mental health and helps us get perspective on what’s truly important.   60 Things to Be Grateful For In Life

Make the time for mindful self awareness, start to believe that your feelings are just feelings, they are not who you are.  Step back and observe them rather than getting stuck in them.  Here are is a great article on using mindfulness to help you through a breakup.    How to Have a Mindful Breakup—the Buddhist Way.

Validate Yourself!  Get Involved With Life!

Do things that make you feel good about yourself.  Volunteer, take a class, start a new hobby, play a new team sport, start working out again.  Be creative and finish the painting that’s been collecting dust, write a short story, take up woodwork or knitting.  Whatever it is, find things that make you feel good, activities that have goals you can accomplish and feel good about yourself.

The point is get involved with your life  Even if you just go for a long drive or a long walk, get out of the house.  Maybe sit in your local coffee shop and people watch or read a book.  Find some music you like, and enjoy it, if it makes you feel better.  But if you constantly end up listening to country breakup songs when you’d rather be feeling better? Stop it!  Step away from the country!

Be Kind to Yourself 

Cut yourself some slack, breakups happen to everyone. It’s not because you’re flawed or not good enough!   It wasn’t “all your fault”. You were only 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship — not all of it!  Breakups can cause us to have lots of negative feelings and emotions and sometimes the anxiety, anger and pain can be turned inwards on our self.   Instead, try to be kinder to yourself and treat yourself with some compassion.

But this is all really part of being a flawed human — we all make mistakes with others and we may not always act in the best ways we could.   But to put it frankly?   We can’t change it!  The past is the past and we can only learn from it. You did the best you could with what you had at the time!

You can have compassion for yourself-which is not self-pity. You’re simply recognizing that ‘this is tough, this hurts,’ and bringing the same warmhearted wish for suffering to lessen or end that you would bring to any dear friend grappling with the same pain, upset, or challenges as you.    ~Rick Hanson

Science Is On Your Side

Epidemiology researcher Dr. Brian Boutwell, from Saint Louis University, analyzed numerous studies about breakups and love from an evolutionary psychology perspective.  According to Dr. Boutwell,

Our review of the literature suggests we have a mechanism in our brains designed by natural selection to pull us through a very tumultuous time in our lives…it suggests people will recover; the pain will go away with time.

So there is actually a mechanism in our brain that pushes us to heal and get better!  A mechanism that helps us move forward and get on with our lives!  So even your brain is pulling for your to get through this!

Get Support

Find some ways to feel supported.  Friends, family, spiritual involvement in your church, temple, mosque, ashram or other spiritual place.   Maybe find a support group or make an appointment with a psychologist to get some support.   Get some hugs!  Getting hugged by someone who cares about us can really be a salve that helps us heal.  Don’t isolate yourself!  Don’t be afraid to reach out to your family and friends for help and support and maybe even a hug.

And finally here’s another blog with some more ideas on how to start to feel better:  Start the Healing After an Emotional Trauma

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck – Dalai Lama

 

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

References

Boutwell, Brian B.; Barnes, J. C.; & Beaver, Kevin M.   When love dies: Further elucidating the existence of a mate ejection module. Review of General Psychology, Vol 19(1), Mar 2015, 30-38     http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000022
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Filed Under: Divorce, General, Relationships, Trauma

Grace Under Fire: 7 Ways to Co-Parent Better After Divorce

March 30, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Why is being a co-parent so hard?   

So you’re divorced or divorcing, and it may be brand new and feel like your entire world is cracking up and falling apart — or you may be farther along on the divorce journey and you’re feeling a little more settled and you may already have a new home or a new job or even a new partner.  No matter where you are on the divorce ride, sometimes it can be stressful, difficult and/or even painful.

The often painful process of divorce can also bring the worst out in people.  In the worst case scenario, both ex-partners are full of anger, bitterness and regret and they may even act mean and vengeful towards each other sometimes.  There are resentments and grudges and very negative emotions towards each other.   In the divorced couples where there is a lot of negativity and resentment, there is probably a history of intense marital conflict that preceded and then maybe even caused the divorce.  Then, perhaps, a difficult, long contested divorce process may have thrown more gasoline on the conflict fire!    This ongoing and habitual conflict almost always spills over into problems and conflicts co-parenting any children involved.

Then, often, on top of the divorce conflicts and unhappiness, other issues may also pile on top too; finances may now be more difficult; maybe your child is struggling at school or socially; you may be time stretched with new responsibilities and one or both partners may be dating or even remarried and some jealousies may then be ignited that then creates even more disharmony.      There also may be big differences in parenting philosophies or styles and parenting may become another front on the divorce battleground.

Regardless, trying to co-parent isn’t easy at the best of times and it’s even harder when there are conflicts, resentments and jealousies.   But it’s not impossible.  So here are some great strategies to try to start better co-parenting with your ex-partner.

1. Setting Priorities 

Take a good hard look at what you want to happen in your situation.  Chances are you want to do the absolute best for your child.  Some people by constantly arguing about rules, bedtimes or drop off times or about splitting the cost of the extra sports fees with their ex,  may actually feel like they are acting as a champion for their child. By arguing with your ex about what you feel is the best bedtime or even berating them for being late for a pickup — you may feel you are really doing what’s best for your child and feel like you’re sticking up for your child’s right.

But is that really true?  Instead, those parents are probably actually harming their children to some degree by exposing them to regular negativity and conflict, often about things that really aren’t important.    Keep the focus on what’s best for your children, and what you can do to work toward providing the best and most calm life you can for them.  Providing them with a loving, stable, and conflict-free environment is what they need to thrive!  If you expose them to high levels of ongoing conflict, arguing and negativity you can actually make them more susceptible to problems with their emotional and mental health!

2. To Co-Parent Well is to Communicate Well

Because going through a divorce can be such an emotional and taxing process, your communication patterns with your ex-partner will likely suffer to some degree.  It may be really emotionally difficult to communicate with them and you may not want to talk to, or even hear from your ex, even on your best days.  However, it’s super important that communication regarding the children is maintained in the best ways possible.  Ignoring their (appropriate) texts and phone calls may feel good in the moment, but it really just makes thing more difficult for everyone in the long run.   Communicating well with your co-parent also assures that your children are not being used as messengers:

e.g. “Tell your mother you have a soccer practice on Friday”    “Tell your dad the child support is due!” 

Using your children as messengers is a really unhealthy habit to get into — it puts them in a role they shouldn’t be in, can affect them emotionally and cause them a lot of stress!    Instead, try to communicate directly with your co-parent, maybe even finding creative ways to communicate to avoid conflict if necessary.   Maybe experimenting with texting or email, or even snail mail letters may help if telephone calls are too much.    Also, remember, that sometimes texting can be a really terrible way to communicate as it really doesn’t convey emotion well and there is always an expectation for a fast response.   And maybe most importantly text fighting is really unproductive and no fun at all for anyone.     If conflict levels are high, maybe using email in a “business-like” way might help? Try to treat your co-parent like you would a co-worker or a work client that you don’t necessarily like.

3. Communication: Just the Facts Jack

When communicating with your ex, remember that if you’re harbouring bitterness or resentments and there are suitcases of unfinished emotional business with your ex — there will often be a strong desire to express your own emotional needs when you communicate with them.  Make a commitment to yourself, maybe even in conjunction with your ex-partner that for the sake of your children’s well-being, you’ll keep conversations focused on the issues around your children and not the divorce itself.  Often to be a good parent you need focus on their needs and not your own!

4. Stop Being Rigid! 

In my private practice working with many people going through divorces or custody issues — an area that often makes co-parenting difficult is if one or both partners are too rigid and set in their view of how the situation should unfold. There must be a rigid bedtime for both households, or the pickup or exchange time must be set in stone or the custody agreement must be followed to the letter,  even when a wee bit of flexibility might be better for all involved.     Really?  It’s probably better to learn how to “go with the flow” sometimes.

Being flexible actually reduces defensiveness in the co-parent relationship and overall that reduces conflict levels!  Learning how to compromise and cooperate with your co-parent will not only benefit both of you in building a more functional co-parent relationship, but it will also model the kind of positive behaviours to your children that will help them throughout their own lives!  Be flexible and make a true effort to avoid any and all conflict about the small stuff that will inevitably come up — only stick to your guns if something is truly important.  And note: very, very little is actually that important!

 5. Attitudes & Perceptions

One of the best ways to improve co-parenting is to slow down, take a deep, deep breath and really try to stop seeing your ex as the villain in this particular story.  Even though they may have cheated or left suddenly or even both; or they were greedy in the settlement or they may have acted in other really selfish or callous ways — the fact is — you still need to deal with them on a regular basis in the best way you can for the sake of your children.

At the very least you need to be civil towards them since that is truly in the best interest of your kids!  You don’t even have to like them — you just have to be civil and get along with them without any game playing or unneeded negativity.   It’s about making the effort to end or avoid the seemingly endless and useless conflicts about whose house has the child’s new package of underwear or who has to pay the extra $20 uniform deposit at school.

One way to start to change your attitude towards your ex is to really try to see your ex in a more positive way — and if you can’t possibly see your way to positive — maybe shoot for just seeing them in a less emotional and neutral way.   Even if just thinking about them makes you feel an excess of negative emotions  — with time you can actually learn how to step away from that negativity to a more neutral place.   One way to do this is to genuinely see your ex as a flawed and imperfect human being.   And since they are a flawed and imperfect human, maybe even cut them a little slack sometimes?  Maybe if both co-parents made a bit of individual effort to have some empathy, respect and kindness towards each other, co-parenting might be actually easier and your children might flourish!

Really make the effort to step away from your own grudges, bitterness and anger.  Why should you let all the negative emotion and poison you hold towards your ex may you feel so crappy, months and even years after the actual divorce?  Why let them take up that negative space in your mind or affect your emotions to such a great degree?  The answer is you don’t need to, in fact, people who hold bitterness and grudges often greatly affect their own emotional well being and even their physical health.  So make an effort to put those resentful and even hostile grudges to rest.  If you really struggle in this area it may be helpful to see a therapist who may be able to help you unpack all of that negative emotional baggage you’re holding on too.

6. Don’t Expose the Kids to the Conflict 

Any kinds of bickering and fighting in front of your children can have a very negative and long-term impact on your children.  They should not be bystanders to any arguments, criticisms or other negative behaviours.   Children are like sponges and without a doubt they will see and learn these behaviours themselves.  Also, being witness to constant conflict may make them feel that their world isn’t a safe place to be, and will cause them lots of stress which may predispose them to mental and physical health issues!

Here are some proven methods to help keep your children out of the crossfire:

  • Never speak poorly of your ex-spouse in front of the kids.  Never, ever, ever
  • Don’t let or encourage your kids to take sides in the conflicts — they don’t belong in the middle!
  • Provide a safe non-judgemental place for them to express their emotions
  • Don’t include kids in what are adult issues and decisions

7. Self Care 

Maintaining your physical and emotional health is important not only for you but also for your children as well. Having a healthy, happy, rested parent will help them adjust to all of the challenges of the divorce situation.  Your children are very dependent on you, and you really owe it to them to give them your absolute best as a parent — and that means being physically and emotionally healthy.   As well, taking time to care for yourself will also help you take the negative focus off of your divorce, and shift the focus back on to you moving forward, (where it should be) and on making positive changes in your life.

Maybe it’s yoga, or deep breathing, or mindfulness meditation, or physical exercise or even just getting a few good nights sleep — by taking care of yourself you can deal better with all of the challenges of life and co-parenting.

Here are some more good self-care tips to try: 7-steps-to-emotional-self-care

Although your ex is no longer your life-partner, you and they are still connected on some level, and will always be co-parents of the children that you have together.  Learning to get along better, communicating better and making the effort to do so will bring comfort to your children as they learn to cope with the divorce.   As you go through the journey of divorce, you often mourn the relationship you’ve lost, and also the dreams you had of the future.  It can be very stressful and upsetting for all involved.   If you’re really struggling with all of the emotions and stresses of co-parenting and/or a divorce contacting a professional for counselling may be helpful.

 

 

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Divorce, Family Therapy, Relationships

Robert Hammel, Psychologist

202 4603 Varsity Drive NW,
Calgary T3A.2V7
403-973-2174
admin@roberthammel.com



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