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Recent Breakup? First Aid for Your Heart

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We’ve all gone through a tough relationship breakup or divorce at some point or another, and many of us have gone through a divorce.   Most of the time, they just aren’t an easy thing to go through.  They’re painful and they hurt.   We may feel rejected and broken, or we may feel terrible about having hurt someone we truly care about but just can’t be with.  They can shake us to our very foundations.

Unfortunately, some people are much more affected than others by a breakup.  Human brains are wired by evolution to “see” an  intimate relationships as super important.   They are our primary human mammal method for “mating” and procreating.  We are hard-wired to value our intimate relationships and make them a priority.  If they end, especially unexpectedly, we’re left reeling with a void in our lives and our minds.

Love and Addiction

Evolutionary Psychology and FMRI Brain Research even shows that being in love is really very much like having an addiction.   When we’re in love the same brain circuitry is activated (and lights up on an FMRI!) as when we use cocaine!   We actually get addicted to love, to being with our partner — and when they leave — it leaves us much like an addict without their drug.  We actually go through love withdrawals!  This also may explain why some people lose their appetites, lose large amounts of weight, get physically ill, feel exhausted and even develop anxiety disorders or clinical depression from a relationship loss.

Some people end up suffering a great deal after a breakup.   A sudden or unexpected divorce or a high conflict breakup can even end up giving a person symptoms that are much like what happens after a trauma.  People who experience a traumatic event in their lives will quite often react with feelings of shock, anger, nervousness, fear, grief, sadness and even guilt/shame.  For most people, these common reactions will go away over time, but for someone experiencing severe post breakup distress, the feelings and negative emotions can continue to be present and maybe even escalate until the person has difficulty living their normal life.

The Symptoms of Breakup Distress 

The symptoms of break up distress are many.  Feeling like you’ve been kicked in the stomach and you can’t catch your breath, or feeling like you’ve been knocked down and can’t get up.  There can be feelings of being rejected. Feelings of self doubt and shame are common.   You may feel like you’re not good enough or feel less than others, or that maybe something is wrong with you.   We may feel stuck and unable to let go or move on.   We may have high feelings of arousal, an over awareness of our thoughts, emotions and even bodily sensations.   There may be high anxiety levels, insomnia, a cognitive fog/trouble focusing and maybe even feeling hyper-vigilant (a feeling of being always on guard).   This can also be feeling like you’re continuously stressed and edgy and every little thing gets to you.

People going through a breakup or divorce  may remove themselves from the people or situations that are similar in some way to the traumatic break up event.  People often feel or become detached from their loved ones and lose interest in their previous interests and passions.  They may also avoid social situations or other stressful things.

People who have recently been rejected may also develop develop an obsessive anxiety kind of thinking. They may ruminate endlessly (think about over and over again) about their ex, about how badly and empty they are feeling, and how much they’ve lost and how will they ever go on?!?!

It’s also really hard because when we go through a break up, we’re left in a place where our entire future has now changed. We have to picture ourselves single and without the supportive person who has been super important and a daily constant in our life.   This can bring up lots of fear and anxiety thoughts.  We can feel like we have to make up a whole new life!

Triggers

These thoughts and feelings of loss may be triggered by places you used to go to with your ex, people you used to hang out together with, weekends and holidays can be particularly hard, and even simple everyday rituals that you shared can create emotional pain.  If your ex is the person who made coffee every morning, making coffee for yourself is a constant reminder of your loss every morning!   Experiencing a hard breakup is really quite a bit like dealing with any other kind of life trauma.  You try to get on with life, you try to avoid the negative thoughts that cause you emotional pain and really try to find ways to keep yourself busy.   And then sometimes you’ll also feel like you’re flooded by intense, sad, painful thoughts and memories and feelings.  You may even find yourself in fearful or anxious obsessive feelings and thoughts.   It can be a real emotional roller coaster!

Is it Affecting Your Life?  A Lot? 

In extreme situations some people may even feel like they are reliving/feeling the traumatic experience over and over again in their minds.  This may include nightmares or flashbacks of the break up.  This might also be constant unwanted thinking about the details of the breakup, sometimes even in an obsessive way.   It can be like having unwanted feelings and thoughts in our head that just keep spinning and looping without any relief.

If you feel like you’re experiencing a number of these kinds of these symptoms or they are very severe and really affecting your life; or if you’re experiencing super high anxiety, obsessive thoughts, or you’re feeling really down and depressed — if you’re really suffering?   First of all, I’m sorry that’s happening to you, secondly, it may be really important and helpful to speak to a mental health professional like a psychologist to help you process this experience and be able to get through this crappy painful experience as best you can.

Extreme reactions to a breakup are probably more common than we think, but really splitting up sucks for everyone.   It’s probably on a continuum like most other human things;  some people have a little grief and trauma and some people have a lot.

Regardless of where you are, let’s take a look at some ways to start taking your life back and begin feeling better, even if its only a little bit to start.

Allow Yourself The Time for Grief/Sadness

It’s totally okay to be sad, to feel down.   It’s okay and maybe even a good idea to grieve the loss and feel all the feelings you’re feeling.  If you’re in a safe place, (so probably not at your desk at work or on the bus) go ahead and allow yourself to feel the waves of sadness and loss you’re feeling.  Cry or scream into a pillow if you have to.  The important thing is to go ahead and feel the feelings.  Again, if this is happening 2 weeks after the breakup, go with it, if it’s still happening and not improving one or two months down the road?  Maybe see a professional for some help in your healing journey.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.   ~Brené Brown

Go “No Contact” If You Have To

You might have a huge urge to call or text your ex.  Of course you do, they were a big part of your life and now they are aren’t.  You’re used to having them around. If the relationship is truly over and it’s painful to speak or be in contact with them, its perfectly okay to politely end contact with them for your own sense of well being and peace of mind.
Even though in today’s society it’s the trend to stay friends with all of your exes, you simply don’t have to if you don’t want to!  It’s okay to do what’s right for you.

A really bad, old joke goes: 

Patient lifts their arm and says:

“Hi Doctor, it hurts when I do this”.

The Doctor pauses, and says:

“Well then…  don’t do that”.

It’s okay to cut ties with someone if they make you feel really badly and cause you to hurt.

Especially in today’s social media world, it may be best to cut back, unfollow or even block your ex if it’s too painful to watch them moving on.  It hurts to watch someone moving on without us and especially since social media only shows the absolute best cherry-picked pics and moments of their life.  If it’s too much and it hurts?   Turn it off or surf somewhere else.

Don’t Date or Marry the Next Person You Trip Over

Some people jump right into new relationships right away after a breakup.  They jump in without looking and without a life preserver.   And hey, it’s an ego boost to have someone interested in you right away, it can be a rush that may even make you feel better temporarily.  But unfortunately, if you’re really emotional and grieving, you really can’t be present and able to invest energy into a new person and relationship.  You really do a disservice to the other person and to yourself if you jump in before you’re ready to swim.   Rebound relationships probably have a bad reputation for a good reason.

Avoid the Bad Ways to Feel Good

Step away from the chocolate covered potato chips!  Although things like junk food, alcohol, drugs or even sex with a stranger after the club can all make us feel better; it’s almost always just a temporary “feel better” and there is usually always a downside to the bad ways to feel good.    There is always the risk of STD’s, hurting our health, gaining weight or the the risk of developing addictions.  The reality is that many people develop addictions during a rough period in their lives.   Instead,  find healthy practices like physical exercise, or mindfulness meditation.   

Take the Time For Gratitude & Mindfulness Practice

Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.

~ Kahlil Gibran

Feel gratitude for what you do have in your life; maybe it’s your house, or your your kids, or your job, or your friends and family, or even for your warm and cozy new sweater on a cold fall day.   Making a gratitude list regularly can help with improving our mood and mental health and helps us get perspective on what’s truly important.   60 Things to Be Grateful For In Life

Make the time for mindful self awareness, start to believe that your feelings are just feelings, they are not who you are.  Step back and observe them rather than getting stuck in them.  Here are is a great article on using mindfulness to help you through a breakup.    How to Have a Mindful Breakup—the Buddhist Way.

Validate Yourself!  Get Involved With Life!

Do things that make you feel good about yourself.  Volunteer, take a class, start a new hobby, play a new team sport, start working out again.  Be creative and finish the painting that’s been collecting dust, write a short story, take up woodwork or knitting.  Whatever it is, find things that make you feel good, activities that have goals you can accomplish and feel good about yourself.

The point is get involved with your life  Even if you just go for a long drive or a long walk, get out of the house.  Maybe sit in your local coffee shop and people watch or read a book.  Find some music you like, and enjoy it, if it makes you feel better.  But if you constantly end up listening to country breakup songs when you’d rather be feeling better? Stop it!  Step away from the country!

Be Kind to Yourself 

Cut yourself some slack, breakups happen to everyone. It’s not because you’re flawed or not good enough!   It wasn’t “all your fault”. You were only 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship — not all of it!  Breakups can cause us to have lots of negative feelings and emotions and sometimes the anxiety, anger and pain can be turned inwards on our self.   Instead, try to be kinder to yourself and treat yourself with some compassion.

But this is all really part of being a flawed human — we all make mistakes with others and we may not always act in the best ways we could.   But to put it frankly?   We can’t change it!  The past is the past and we can only learn from it. You did the best you could with what you had at the time!

You can have compassion for yourself-which is not self-pity. You’re simply recognizing that ‘this is tough, this hurts,’ and bringing the same warmhearted wish for suffering to lessen or end that you would bring to any dear friend grappling with the same pain, upset, or challenges as you.    ~Rick Hanson

Science Is On Your Side

Epidemiology researcher Dr. Brian Boutwell, from Saint Louis University, analyzed numerous studies about breakups and love from an evolutionary psychology perspective.  According to Dr. Boutwell,

Our review of the literature suggests we have a mechanism in our brains designed by natural selection to pull us through a very tumultuous time in our lives…it suggests people will recover; the pain will go away with time.

So there is actually a mechanism in our brain that pushes us to heal and get better!  A mechanism that helps us move forward and get on with our lives!  So even your brain is pulling for your to get through this!

Get Support

Find some ways to feel supported.  Friends, family, spiritual involvement in your church, temple, mosque, ashram or other spiritual place.   Maybe find a support group or make an appointment with a psychologist to get some support.   Get some hugs!  Getting hugged by someone who cares about us can really be a salve that helps us heal.  Don’t isolate yourself!  Don’t be afraid to reach out to your family and friends for help and support and maybe even a hug.

And finally here’s another blog with some more ideas on how to start to feel better:  Start the Healing After an Emotional Trauma

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck – Dalai Lama

 

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

References

Boutwell, Brian B.; Barnes, J. C.; & Beaver, Kevin M.   When love dies: Further elucidating the existence of a mate ejection module. Review of General Psychology, Vol 19(1), Mar 2015, 30-38     http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000022
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Filed Under: Divorce, General, Relationships, Trauma

September is Self-Improvement Month — 32 Ways to Improve Your Life!!!

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Human beings really have a strong natural desire to continuously want to improve themselves and the world around them.   Self-improvement simply just means making an effort to become better.  It’s about finding ways to live a better life through your own effort and learning new ways of being in the world.    Since this month is Self-Improvement Month, it’s really a great opportunity for you to look for new ways of making yourself the best person that you can be!  Self-improvement looks different for everyone and there are really many areas in which you can strive for self-improvement.   The general areas for self-improvement include these parts of our life: intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical and financial.

So here’s a great list of ways people like to improve themselves.  I hope this list helps you explore and get some ideas for yourself.

  • Eat healthier
  • Get more exercise
  • Improve or even change your job or career
  • Concentrate on having better relationships with our loved ones
  • Work on our own emotional control like learning to control our anger or negativity
  • Improve your time management
  • Start a new hobby or passion
  • Read more
  • Unplug from technology
  • Learn a new language
  • Travel to broaden your mind
  • Start to volunteer or find ways to help others
  • Change your surroundings, redecorate a room or even your house!
  • Learn to let go of regrets
  • Learn how to keep an open mind
  • Learn how to be more accepting and less judgemental of others

  • Get out of your comfort zone and overcome worry, anxiety or fearfulness
  • Get more or better quality sleep
  • Quit a bad habit like smoking or nail biting
  • Be kinder to yourself!  Cut yourself some slack!
  • Learn how to deal with difficult people in better ways
  • Learn mindfulness meditation
  • Get better and more confident at public speaking or interacting with groups of people
  • Work on your personal financial goals
  • Learn how to have a more positive attitude
  • Work on being a better spouse/partner or better parent
  • Learn to stop procrastinating
  • Make an effort to make an effort in your life!
  • Learn to enjoy the simple pleasures in life
  • Learn how to feel and express gratitude
  • Learn to embrace and not fight change!
  • Learn how to deal with stress in better and healthier ways

So set some goals, get motivated and start to improve yourself and your life this month!

Oh and here’s a link to a great way to set those goals using the SMART goal process: SMART GOALS

Also, remember that seeing a psychologist can also be a great way to help improve your life! Psychologists are trained professionals whose very “raison d’être” is to help you explore, set, and achieve your life goals!

 

 

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Filed Under: General, Self-Esteem

Five Big Misunderstandings About Therapy

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Even though we have made tremendous progress in reducing the stigma and negative conceptions around mental illness and going to therapy — there is still a great deal of misunderstanding and many misconceptions about it.

Here are 5 of the most popular misconceptions about therapy to help you learn a little bit more and help reduce some of the stigma and misunderstandings.

Therapy is All About Blaming The Past   

A long-standing assumption about therapy is that it consists of spending an hour each week digging deeply and painfully into your childhood experiences and blaming your mother, your father, a teacher perhaps,  and maybe a bully from grade 2 for all of your current life problems.  But really, going to therapy isn’t just about your past and looking for others to place the blame on or looking for what the past “has done to you”.

Psychologists do have to help a client look into their past to some degree to help them get a clear picture of the experiences and patterns that have helped shape who they are — but this is only a small part of therapy in practice.   If you’re new to the therapy process you may want to get on with it and solve your problems! Right now!  Many new clients have a  sense of urgency about the process and want to get on with it and change things!

But really, the first stage of therapy is about the psychologist and the client gathering information together as a way for both to get a global sense of understanding about what’s going on. Often, a deeper of understanding of ourselves and our full range of life experiences can really help us find insights into what’s going on in our lives; the patterns we need to change and the actions we need to take to make things better.    A psychologist must ask questions about their client’s life history in order to truly help the client understand themselves.

Past experiences shape our personalities and worldviews — effectively “who we are”.  Your psychologist is not interested in you placing the blame on anyone, but you will need to explore the past to some degree for the therapy to be productive.

It’s Just Like Having a Weekly Talk with a Close Friend 

The place and maybe even responsibility of our close friends and family, of course, is to listen to and support you, but they are not really prepared with the tools you need to help you tackle and find real solutions to your biggest problems or problem behaviours.   Therapists, however, are uniquely qualified to help you by offering more than just a kind ear or supposedly good advice.  In fact, sometimes our friends may even have the best intentions for us but their advice may just suck!

Psychologists have trained many years (some even as long as 10-12 years!) to learn and develop a deeper and more comprehensive understanding of human nature.  They can help you recognize your own inefficient or even dysfunctional thinking and behaviour patterns — and then provide the strategies and tools necessary to make the changes. They can also help you to gain a fresh perspective on the events of your life and the choices you’ve made.

And finally, we don’t always want our friends or family to know what’s going on in our lives. Because therapy is confidential and because your therapist’s only vested interest in you is helping you improve yourself and overcome your challenges, it is generally easier talking openly with them. Only by being totally honest and transparent about your life and yourself can you hope to create lasting change.

Here is a link to some great information on what therapy with a Psychologist looks like:  Understanding Psychotherapy

The Psychologist Is a Guru Who Has All the Answers

There is a popular misconception in our culture, probably partly from popular self-help shows like Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil that the psychologist has all the answers to life’s problems and puzzles.   (Don’t even get me started on how far away from real therapy these shows are)

There is a false belief that psychologists are somehow omniscient and should be on a mountaintop somewhere espousing their infinite advice and wisdom.  They will just sit you down and tell you exactly what to do to fix your life. 

Although the psychologist is trained in understanding the complicated underlying dynamics of human thinking and behaviours.   Therapists are not supposed to be gurus of wise and sage advice.   The psychologist isn’t there to provide the answers, instead, their job is to help the client explore their own deepest thoughts, behaviours and emotions and in doing so, become an expert in their own unique life circumstances — to help them find insights and perhaps even find better ways of interacting with the world that will help them lead better and more fulfilled lives.

This is not to say that therapists will not sometimes give some suggestions and advice that may be helpful, this isn’t the central role of their job.   Their purpose is to really support and encourage you in understanding yourself and your situation better, so you can do what’s best for you in your life — not what they think is best for your life.

The Fast Food Effect:  The Expectation That You’ll Feel Better Instantly

Many people new to the therapy experience make the mistake of having super high and unreasonable expectations about how long it takes for therapy to do its magic.   They get frustrated and quit when they don’t feel any better after only one or two meetings with their therapist! The reality is, however, that it really takes one or two sessions just to properly and adequately tell your life story, not to mention that a crucial part of successful therapy is about developing a sense of security and trust with your psychologist — and sometimes that takes time.

In our current “fast food”, “instant fix” world we have an expectation of instant results!  Sadly,  I have seen this happen many, many times in my practice.  Clients expect results for the hard earned money they are spending, and I totally agree they should get bang for their buck!  However,  the therapy process shouldn’t be thought of as a quick fix but instead, a process that is unique and special for each individual client.  Some people may see results right away but many require a more long-term consistent effort and commitment to the process.

According to psychotherapy effectiveness expert Michael Lambert, therapy is really highly effective for many clients and:

  • 30% feel somewhat better after the first three sessions
  • 50% of patients respond positively by about the 8th session
  • 75% need at least 14 sessions to experience a significant degree of relief

So, if you’ve been in therapy for a while now and there is no real improvements you can feel?   Maybe have a frank and direct talk with your therapist about how to move forward and change strategy or even change therapists.

Also, it is super important to understand that the process of therapy won’t always feel good — remembering or talking about unpleasant things, feelings, or thoughts may result in experiencing considerable discomfort or even strong feelings of anger, sadness, worry, fear, etc, or anxiety, depression, insomnia, etc..   A psychologist may challenge a client’s assumptions or perceptions or may propose thinking about things differently which can cause you to feel upset, angry, sad, challenged or maybe even disappointed.  A psychologist may help us uncover some realities and truths in our lives and sometimes that can be an unpleasant thing.   Usually true growth and improvement requires honesty with ourselves and an acceptance of our situation and that isn’t always a happy, feel-good thing.

Only People Who Are “Mentally Ill” Go to Therapy

Again with the ongoing social stigma and negative attitudes around mental health, there is a preconception that only people with serious mental illness need therapy.  But really, therapy can help many people with many types of problems; not just anxiety, depression or personality disorders.   Many people go to therapy to help them deal with the “normal” problems of life that everyone experiences.   Things like:

  • Loss and grieving after a loved one’s death
  • The loss and pain after a divorce or breakup
  • Improving our relationships with our partners, friends and children
  • Making big decisions in our life
  • Getting along with others in better ways at work or school
  • Stress reduction
  • Increasing and developing our self-motivational or time management skills
  • Being bullied
  • Beginning our life again after a big traumatic event
  • Dealing with pain and chronic illness or other health issues
  • Drug and alcohol abuse and addiction
  • Dealing with difficult people
  • Managing anger or jealousy or perfectionism or other negative emotions that are holding you back
  • Loneliness & isolation
  • Developing greater empathy and kindness towards others
  • Loneliness & isolation
  • Being newly married or a new parent
  • Moving away to go to school or work

Sometimes life can really go “sideways” on us and it can really help to have someone on our side, someone that can help us think more clearly, see other perspectives and start the process of recovering and feeling better.   Therapy can be that timely resource, that will help support, encourage and guide you.   Therapy can be there for you to help you become more resilient and stronger when life takes that sideways turn!

So I hope this blog has exposed and explained some of the most popular misconceptions about going to therapy.   If you or a loved one is interested in exploring therapy or if you have any questions, please contact me today.  I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

 

References:

Lambert, Michael (2013) Editor Bergin and Garfield’s Handbook of Psychotherapy and Behavior Change, 6th Edition, Wiley

Filed Under: General, Therapy

Reluctance to Launch — How To Stop Enabling Your Adult Child

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Does your adult child have a reluctance or even failure to launch?   According to US census data, more than half of the young people between 18 to 24 years old still live at home with their parents, and almost 15% of adults in the 24 to 35 age group still do as well.  In Canada, according to Stats Can. more than one in three (34.7%) young adults aged 20 to 34 were living with at least one parent in 2016, a number that has been increasing since 2001.

There are many reasons these young people are still living at home — they may be trying to save money to go to university, pay off student loans, to mortgage a house, or for many other understandable reasons.  They may have returned home after a “failed” relationship or a divorce, leaving or graduating college, losing a job or an apartment, or for umpteen other reasons.

However, some are adult children who for whatever reason have experienced a reluctance or even failure to launch and remain quite dependent on their parents to meet their basic needs.  They seem unmotivated or even fearful to make the jump to live life on their own.  These young adult children that just won’t leave home can become quite financially and emotionally exhausting for their parents!  Is this situation happening in your home?   Do you have an adult child experiencing a reluctance or failure to launch?

Here are some warning signs that you may have adult children who might just be overly dependent on you.

1. You Are Carrying Them Financially 

If you find yourself carrying your adult child’s financial responsibilities, and there are no extenuating circumstances like illness, mental health issues or a run of bad luck etc…   If you are paying all of their bills and they are perfectly happy to let you carry their load… you may want to reevaluate your situation.   If your child is non-contributing while you have to work longer hours, have to consider putting off retirement, or even take on a second job to support them.  If you have to help them pay off their debts or pay their car payments, it may be time to reevaluate and have a serious, sit down talk with them.

2. They Do Not Seem to be Motivated to Change the Situation

This is where you really have to be honest with yourself, and with them.  You have to take off your parental filters and curb your tendency to only see the good in your children. You really need to evaluate your child with the “eyes of a third person”.    Are they really and truly making an effort to study, work or find a job?  Are they making an effort to find a way to support themselves and be contributing members of your household and society?  Are they really working towards independence?   Are they somewhat motivated, or do they sleep every day until noon?   Are they actually contributing to the household?  Even if they’re not contributing financially, are they at the very least helping out significantly with chores or other tasks around the home?  Has it been a problem for only a few months, or has it been a year or two?

3. They Are Continually Asking For Money

It may be perfectly fine to help out your adult child financially every once in a while, with their purchase of a necessary big ticket item like a house downpayment or with their tuition or books.   But if your son or daughter is constantly borrowing money from you because they can’t seem to budget properly or even hold down a regular job.  If they constantly promise to pay you back but never do, this is really a big red flag.   Be honest with yourself, are you being taken advantage of?

4. Conflict and Disrespect 

It’s natural for young people who are striving to find their own new place in the big wide world to be cranky and moody sometimes.  But there is a fine line between an occasional bad mood and blatant disrespect sent in your direction.

Does your son or daughter seem polite, appreciative and even loving when they want or need help from you or do they possibly become disrespectful or even nasty when you say “no” to their demands?  This kind of behaviour is often a warning sign that your child may be too dependent and some negative patterns may have formed.

Does it feel like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off or starting another conflict?  Have you set boundaries that they keep overstepping?   Again, more warning signs that the relationship with your child is probably an unhappy place to be.

What Now?  Helping Them Launch  

Is your relationship with your still at home adult child sending up some of these red flags?   As a parent what do you do then?  We want to really take a good look at the scenario and try to do what’s best for ourselves and what’s best for our child.  Sometimes to do that, we may need to make some hard decisions that may even increase the conflicts short-term and maybe even cause some temporary pain for both of you.

As parents of an adult child, we’re actually entitled to take our own feelings and needs into account sometimes, especially when we feel that we may be being taken advantage of.   Might it be okay to put our own needs first sometimes?  We probably would with the other adults in our lives, so maybe its okay to do the same with our adult children?  What do you really need to do maintain your sanity and your savings account?

Frequently a parents job is to guide and help your child figure out their own way.  Part of discovering “their own way” is that sometimes they may actually need to feel the natural consequences of their own behaviours.   This is often the very best way for them to learn the skills, strength and resiliency that is fundamental to their living a successful and independent life.

Parents who always step in to rescue their children from “normal” life consequences may be creating a negative pattern that then perpetuates a cycle in which the child then needs continuous rescuing.  If we rescue them they don’t learn to master their own set of skills and behaviours to manage their own environment in a successful way.

Adult children don’t just develop independence and resiliency simply because they are of a certain age.   Sometimes a parents toughest task may be actually cutting the apron strings — gently or even forcefully pushing our child from the nest, not because we’re mean-spirited, but because it may be the best thing for our child and ourselves in the long run!  Some “stuck” adult children may need to be pushed out of the nest to encourage them to experience and learn the life skills they need!

Seeking out a therapist at this time may be very helpful in assisting parents who are trying to balance the best decision for themselves and for their child.

How To Support Their Independence 

It’s helpful if you can step above the conflict and often adversarial nature of the parent and adult-child relationship and really try to take an encouraging and supportive role with your child.  We want to really strive to help them to become confident, resilient and independent. It’s also helpful if you can remain positive and patient, making an effort to be non-adversarial when interacting with them. Like parenting children of any age, staying calm, being assertive and firm and setting healthy boundaries is what needs to happen to really support their growth to independence.

1. Have them contribute in some way

Having no financial responsibilities sounds great, doesn’t it?   Take a deep breath, clear your head and really evaluate your current situation.   Will totally or even partially supporting them help your adult child prepare for the sometimes harsh financial realities of the outside world?

A good place to start is to ask them to commit to contributing to the monthly household budget/expenses. If they are currently unemployed, along with making a concerted effort to find work, ask them to contribute through chores like housecleaning, grocery shopping or any other chores that will truly help you out.   The goal here is to really help them see that when you’re an adult — there truly is no free lunch.   We want to help them start developing new habits,  attitudes and a sense of responsibility to themselves and others.   This sense of responsibility will then be the cornerstone that will help them become independent and even thrive on their own.

2. Don’t give them money! 

The reality is, very few of us can afford to support an adult child forever and we need to let them know this in an honest and clear communication.  You cannot continue to endlessly give your adult child money without any expectations of payback.  One of the first things to do is set a deadline and to stop any “allowance”  or “loans” that they receive from you.  If you’re already supporting them, and paying for their food and shelter?  Maybe paying for these basic needs is meeting your parental obligations and they don’t need an allowance on top of that too?   It’s not your role to pay for their expensive clothes, car payments, their outings with friends or entertainment, or even their vacations.  Or, if they do have a job and spend all of their income on themselves without helping out with the household finances/budget, perhaps its more than past time to address that situation?  A healthy young adult should be responsible for supporting themselves!

3. Responsibilities and expectations 

Again we need to sit down with our adult child and discuss, without any fuzziness, a set of clear expectations and responsibilities that will help the child work towards their independence — natural consequences should be allowed to happen if they cannot make the effort to live up to these agreed upon expectations.   Each situation will be different but the important part is that we need to be clear and concise with them — what are the clear expectations and their responsibilities needed for them to live with us?  What does it look like, what do we expect from them?  Under what conditions?  What will we not put up with?   What are their obligations and responsibilities financially?   For how long can they stay?

4. Accessing therapy

Accessing individual therapy for the reluctant to launch adult child may be of great benefit in helping them explore and conquer their fears, doubts, and anxiety about beginning adulthood and becoming independent.  Therapy will help them accept and effectively cope with the truths and challenges of being on their own for the first time.  Therapy can also help them to develop a good plan of action and also build the strength and motivation needed to successfully reach for self-sufficiency.    

I know in my private practice as a psychologist, I have helped a number of young people successfully cope with the fears, stresses and challenges of developing independence.    The goal of therapy is to help them “individuate” from their family and become their own person.  Therapy can help them with developing maturity, a sense of responsibility and self-confidence.   It can also support their development of a strong individual “self” and create a healthy separation from their family of origin.

5. Set hard deadlines if you need to

Having a heartfelt talk with your son or daughter about these issues can be difficult.   But maybe you need to bite the bullet and have that really hard discussion that you know you need to have — it may even be necessary to be a little tough and push them to find their independence.   If they’ve been home for a while and there is a lot of pain and conflict?   Pushing them towards independence might even salvage your relationship with them rather than allowing further harms to it.

Discuss a timeline and an “exit plan” with them.   For instance, for now, they may stay and you’ll provide a roof and groceries but only for an agreed upon amount of time.  Negotiate a date where the expectation is they have found a job or other way to support themselves, have saved for a damage deposit etc, and found their own place to live, whether an apartment, roommate situation or whatever suits them.   But the point is you’ve set a firm limit and you’re willing to follow through for yours and their best interest. This not to say we shouldn’t have empathy for our child and since you’re the parent you’re certainly allowed to be as tough or as lenient as you see fit.   But really try to look at the situation clearly and really ask yourself, what is truly the best thing for you and your adult child in the long term?  Sometimes the best decisions can be the hardest ones.

If you’re dealing with this situation with your adult child, good luck in working through it and finding a positive resolution!   No family is perfect.   Keep in mind that this is really a common problem of life for many families and you’ll get through it as best you can!

Filed Under: Family Therapy, General, Parenting, Relationships, Teens/Children

7 Important Steps to Liking Yourself

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So, what is self-esteem?

Here’s an interesting question we seldom ask ourselves:

Do you actually like yourself?

Take a few seconds to think about it.   When asked this question, most people either don’t know how to respond or they respond with a pat, canned answer like,  “Like myself?  Of course, I like myself”,  or they maybe even react defensively and say,   “What kind of a dumb question is that?!?”

Regardless, if you ask enough people (which I have actually done in my therapy practice), you will quickly discover that people who haven’t thought about this question much, either have a high sense of natural self-esteem or they are on the opposite end of the spectrum, and they don’t seem to like themselves all that much.

Are you someone who’s truly happy in their own skin? Are you happy with your appearance, how much money you make, your education or job, your intelligence, your abilities, or the past life decisions you’ve made; or are you continually comparing yourself to other people, really wishing you could be more like them and less like yourself?  Does it feel like everyone else is smarter, richer, better looking, more educated?   When you look in the mirror, who do you see looking back?   Do you see someone you like or someone who just doesn’t quite live up to your own high expectations?

Our own judgment of our self-worth, or in other words, our self-esteem, is largely based on how we feel about ourselves, right now at this moment and secondly, how we see and judge ourselves through looking back at our past.

What exactly is self-esteem? Self-esteem is about how we value ourselves; how we perceive our value in the world and how we perceive how valuable we think we are to others.  Self-esteem affects our confidence, motivation and resilience and our ability to trust in others.  It affects our relationships, our abilities and skills at work — really every part of our lives. Self-esteem gives us the inner strength and adaptability to take measured gambles in our lives and drive forward through difficult circumstances.   Self-esteem gives us the super useful ability to make blunders and mistakes, yet still be able to forgive ourselves and actually grow from those mistakes into fuller, stronger more resilient people.

What about low self-esteem?   Low self-esteem can be both a socially and emotionally troubling condition that keeps many people from living their lives fully or from realizing their full potential. A person with low self-esteem can feel unworthy, shameful, inadequate, and incompetent.

Often because the person with low self-esteem feels so poorly about themselves, it becomes a vicious cycle where their thoughts and feelings of low self-esteem may actually be part of what’s maintaining the person’s continued low self-esteem.

In other words, low self-esteem can become a viciously self-perpetuating habit of thinking.

So, self-esteem is actually quite crucial to us if we want to “feel good”, in fact, for many people experiencing anxiety, depression and other mental illness low self-esteem is often both a symptom and a cause.

If you’re someone who is overly critical of yourself and you feel down about who you are as a person, here are 7 ways you can start to learn to like yourself better:

1. Accomplishments, Successes and Achievements

Sometimes we focus really hard on everything that might be wrong with us, rather than on what’s right.  When you’ve done something well, it’s important that you acknowledge this victory, no matter how small it is and maybe even relish it?

It doesn’t have to be something super huge, either. It could even be that you make a really delicious gourmet meal or that you’re a really good friend.  It can be that you’re really making an effort to be physically fit or even that you’ve finally started reading The Complete Works of Shakespeare, or maybe even just reading your first book in a long time.   Allow yourself the pleasure of enjoying every little thing you do right rather than focusing on what you do wrong.  Change your perspective about yourself and really make an effort to look for all the good things about you!  Look accurately at yourself and the long list of achievements you’ve already made in your life — learn how to feel good about who you are and what you’ve done.

2. Really, Who’s Perfect? 

If you’ve been relentlessly comparing yourself to other people all your life, it’s time for you to stop this terrible habit and realize that no one, absolutely no one is perfect.  Not the talking heads on breakfast TV, not the models you see online or on the cover of magazines, nor all the actors you see on Netflix.  They all have on-call makeup artists and even plastic surgeons — not to mention the magic of photoshop and their powerful marketing teams promoting their “brand”.

Intellectually, there’s always, always, someone smarter than you. Or financially, always someone that makes more money or has a bigger house.  Comparing ourselves to others is truly folly.   No one is perfect, no one.

3. Looking at Values

Maybe it’s really and truly okay to just be an average person?   Maybe it’s actually okay to work an average job, live in a small, rented place and drive a 5-year-old fuel-efficient Hyundai?    Maybe instead of buying into the idea that we can purchase the right clothes, car, cookware, home and lifestyle that will make us “fit in”  — we should maybe instead decide to pride ourselves on being a truly good person, honest, compassionate and caring?   Rather than comparing ourselves to others and their bank accounts and achievements, we should instead really look to our own deepest held values?   Perhaps holding the values of kindness, caring and compassion for others will actually help us build our self-esteem from the inside out!        

4. Creating Successes  

One of the best ways to really increase our self-esteem is to really make an effort to fight our fears and anxieties and start creating more positive accomplishments in our life.  Perhaps there are many things about yourself that you would like to change. Do you want to lose weight, work out and have a better body, maybe it’s about getting a university degree, or getting a better more fulfilling job?

Oftentimes we will resent ourselves for not reaching the highly impossible goals we have set for ourselves. If there are big goals you would like to reach, try to be realistic in setting the timelines and be patient with yourself.  Break the goal down into smaller parts and really celebrate any achievement no matter how small it might seem.   If the goal is to lose weight, start small and start tracking and reducing what you eat.  And maybe going to the gym 5 days a week is too much and we should start with 2 or 3 times instead?   If we want to pursue a uni degree maybe taking the first step is to contact a counsellor at a university and really explore how to start the process and then maybe start with just the first class?  It all starts with goal setting and then practising how to be more determined!

Here’s a great link on how to set goals using the SMART Goals strategy:

http://hrweb.mit.edu/performance-development/goal-setting-developmental-planning/smart-goals

5. Use Affirmations

One great way to start growing our sense of self-esteem is to use affirmations to actually “reprogram our brain” to see ourselves differently.  Low self-esteem is created over a lifetime of experience and letting go of those deeply established feelings and actions is not easy. It may take some time and effort, and for some people, it may even require professional therapy.  But there a simple, positive thinking technique called affirmations can often effectively be used to help improve our self-esteem.

Using affirmations is a way to stop using our negative self-trash-talk and replace it with affirmations, which are encouraging simple messages we can give ourselves every day, in effect reprogramming our brain.  These positive messages will eventually become part of our feelings and beliefs.  We can also use positive messages to replace the negative ones.

For example, replace the message “I made a boneheaded mistake, and I am no good at this job,” with “Okay, I made a mistake but I will learn from it, and now I do can a better job.”

You can even begin each day by looking at yourself squarely in the eye in the mirror and giving yourself an affirmation or even a series of them.  We can also keep them as a list in our pocket or on your phone and if we sense we’re feeling kind of down on ourselves, we can grab them and immediately fight back against the negative self-defeating thoughts we might be having.  The following simple affirmations can help you to work towards better self-esteem:

• I am likeable

• I have lots of skills and abilities

• I can be strong, confident and able when I need to

• Mistakes are just a necessary prelude to achievement

• I am competent, smart and able

• I accept myself just as I am

• Life is what it is and a lot of it is pretty darn good

• I am growing and changing for the better

• My life is about me, not other people

6. See Yesterday with a Kinder Eye

Sometimes we may not like ourselves because of our past actions and behaviours. It’s super important though to maybe cut yourself some slack about long past history.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and perhaps it’s not fair to judge our past based on what we know now.    In your past, you may not have always acted kindly toward others.  Perhaps you acted selfishly, maybe in defensive or even hostile ways more often than you really care to admit.  But this is all really part of being human — we all make mistakes with others and we may not always act in the best ways we could.   But to put it bluntly?   We can’t change it!  The past is the past and we can only learn from it.   Repeat this message to yourself when you feel bad about the past:

You did the best you could with what you had at the time!

The best thing to do is to maybe actually embrace your past, even with all of our faults and mistakes.    Look at your past without judgement, with the intention of learning from your actions and behaviours.   No one is perfect and we’ve all made mistakes in some way shape or form.

7. Like Most of Yourself

Is it really reasonable to expect to like all 100% of yourself, all of the time?   Probably not, because, we’re all human, we’re all flawed and we’re all imperfect. Let’s say that again.  We’re all human, flawed and imperfect.  So really, maybe its OK to only like 75 or  80% of ourselves on any particular day?    You can still live a really good and maybe even great life when you think ‘only’ 80% of you is awesome.  80% is a pretty good place to be.  It also gives us some room to improve and grow. Growing and changing and adapting is really the very nature of being human.  Being imperfect gives us something to shoot for!

 

Having a good level of self-esteem is really super important to our overall well-being.  Getting there can be difficult for some people though; especially if you’ve endured having low self-esteem for a long time, maybe even all of your life.  Working with a therapist can really make the journey to self-improvement less bumpy. A therapist can help by listening, clarifying and strategizing with you to help improve your self-esteem and your life.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring therapy to improve your self-esteem, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

And here’s another blog with some quick tips to reduce self-doubt https://roberthammel.com/3-ways-to-overcome-self-doubt/

Filed Under: Addiction, Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, Depression, General, Self-Esteem, Trauma

Four Ways To Increase Your Happiness

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Happiness is a very popular subject in our modern world.   There are countless books in your local bookstore, shelf after shelf of titles, all professing to have “the secret” to happiness.  Why do we have such a fascination and maybe even obsession with finding happiness?

Research from the field of positive psychology explores the concept of happiness and defines a happy person as someone who feels frequent positive emotions, such as joy and a greater overall sense of pleasure/contentment.   Happy people aren’t just happier, they are also less troubled and experience the negative emotions, such as anxiety, sadness, and anger less frequently.  Greater happiness has also been related to life satisfaction/appreciation of life and numerous studies have also shown that happier individuals are also more successful across multiple life domains —including marriage, friendship, income, work performance, and health  (Lyubomirsky et al., 2005).

Research has also suggested that happiness doesn’t just feel good, it is also linked to other huge benefits such as less disease, lower stress, better heart health, better immune-system function and even a longer life!   So then, if it’s that important, why does happiness seem to be kind of a slippery concept that escapes and eludes so many people?

In our not too distant past, humans were busy running and hiding from animals that wanted to eat us and when we weren’t running and hiding, we were searching for food.  We didn’t have the time or energy to be concerned with whether or not we were happy.  But now, thanks to the wonders of modern life, like wonderfully abundant food, fewer hungry sabre tooth tigers, and modern medicine, life has gotten much, much, much easier.   Modern humans have considerably extended their lifespans and we now have the time to belly button gaze and explore deeper philosophical issues like, what is happiness?  We have also evolved giant intelligent and logical brains with which we can explore our world and wonder why we aren’t happier?

But What Is Happiness?  

We certainly feel happy emotions when we are spending time with the people we love.  When we’re enjoying activities like listening to music or exercising, spending time in nature or relaxing with a book in front of the fireplace.  We feel happy when we’re watching a funny movie (Monty Python anyone?) or eating our favourite food at our favourite restaurant. But perhaps happiness is more than just a temporary emotion because emotions are often short-lived and transient.

So how can we look at happiness differently then?

Happiness is maybe better seen as a “state of mind” involving our perceptions, our feelings, our consciousness and even more importantly, having a sense of intentionality and purpose.   Happiness can maybe best seen as something deliberate, intentional and strategic. This is good news for us because it means we can purposely make good choices that lead us to a more positive state of mind & happiness.  We can also look to the people who seem to be naturally happy and even learn and mimic what they do!

And here are four things that they do differently:

1) They Understand Growth is Often Unpleasant or Even Sometimes Painful!

Many people play life really, really safe. They go to the same job every day for 30 years even though they don’t like it,  they eat the same foods at the same restaurants, vacation every single year at the same time and place, and spend their free time with the same people doing the same things.   But sustained happiness is perhaps about not always being so secure, safe and settled. It’s maybe about self-discovery and growth, which by definition demands a life lived outside of your comfort zone!

A friend and I were having a discussion a little while ago about how, when we’re on a vacation, in a new place with new surroundings and people, we really and truly feel more alive and happy!   How did you feel the last time you were on vacation in a new place?  Did you feel more vital and alive?     I think that’s maybe because we’re fully outside our comfort zone in those new situations and places, our brain is highly stimulated and we sense and feel that everything is fresh and exciting.  We feel alive, and when we feel alive, maybe we feel happier?

The ancient Greeks described happiness as:

…the joy that we feel when we’re striving after our potential.

Can you truly be happy if you dislike your job and you’re just biding your time until retirement, or if your marriage is stale and feels disconnected, or if you have no hobbies or interests that you’re truly passionate about?   Probably not.   So maybe we need to steadily strive for things outside of our comfort zone to grow emotionally and feel happy?

2) They Are Curious

Part of getting out of our comfort zone is being curious.  A 2007 study found that happy people seem to have an instinctive grasp of the fact that happiness requires growth and frequently adventuring outside the confines of your comfort zone. Happy people are curious about life and their world.  Researchers Todd Kashdan and Michael Steger found that when their study participants monitored their everyday activities, those who regularly felt curious on a given day also reported more frequent growth-oriented behaviors, experienced a greater presence of feelings of “life meaning”,  life satisfaction and happiness and also engaged in the highest number of happiness creating activities, such as communicating gratitude to a co-worker or freely volunteering to help others.    Being curious also predicted greater persistence of meaning in life from one day to the next.  So by being curious every day maybe we can actually feel more happiness and satisfaction with life!    So making an effort to be curious and exploring your world every day can make you happier!

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

Dalai Lama

3) They Don’t Worry Or Fret About the Details

The book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” was super popular a while ago, and yes, at first glance, it does seem to be a strategy that’s maybe just a little too simplistic, however, it can really be an important part of our overall happiness strategy.    Happy people don’t worry about the small stuff and they really try to not be overly perfectionistic.  Rather, they often hold a less serious attitude about their performance.   Psychology research from Shigehiro Oishi and his colleagues (2007) has actually found that the happiest people, defined as those who scored higher on measures of life satisfaction, typically didn’t perform quite as well as more moderately happy people in life accomplishments like grades, school attendance, or even high work salaries.  So perhaps, always striving for achievements and perfection may somehow even make us less happy?

This is not to say that we should stop trying our best in life. But it does suggest that maybe it’s okay to surrender some degree of achievement if it means letting go of the fretting, worry and perfectionism that steals some of our happiness.  Like many things in life, maybe it’s really about finding a healthy balance between endeavouring for achievement and being more relaxed and untroubled?

4)  They Explore & Accept Their Feelings

You would think that really happy people are always happy all of the time, but that really doesn’t seem to be the case at all.  Truly happy people recognize the reality that every life has its share of disappointments, obstacles, frustrations and problems.   They accept this reality and have reasonable expectations of their world.   Like Ella Fitzgerald sang:

Into each life some rain must fall…

Psychologically healthy people are those that understand the importance of actually paying attention to and feeling their genuine emotions even if they aren’t always positive.  Happy people don’t deny or ignore their disagreeable or uncomfortable emotions.  They realize that negative emotions and “bad feelings” are a normal part of everyone’s life.  Everyones.   Rather than denying these feelings, they instead try to manage their negative emotions with positive coping strategies, like physical exercise, or therapy, or hobbies, or yoga, or mindfulness, etc.  They also realize that negative feelings and emotions are perhaps signs that we need to make life changes or that we may need to make better or different choices in the future.

For instance, a happy person might feel upset, sad, angry and jealous because a coworker got a promotion and they didn’t.  Happy people don’t immerse themselves in this “woe is me” feeling.  They don’t get stuck in those negative feelings of angry jealousy. They see these emotions as a sign that maybe they could have done something differently to achieve a more desirable outcome in their own life, like working harder or smarter, or that maybe the job that they’re in isn’t a good a fit, as they aren’t really progressing up the ladder.  They also try their best to navigate around their own negative feelings and instead try to feel good for their coworker and even congratulate and support them!

Looking at another scenario, perhaps if we feel anger towards someone, it’s really a sign that maybe we’re overreacting to something, or that perhaps we need to set stronger boundaries and protect ourselves better from someone who is harming us in some way.

Regardless of the emotion felt, happy people, realize that life sometimes presents us with negative situations, people and feelings and that maybe these are things that can actually help us grow and change for the better?  The important thing is to feel your feelings and not hide from them!

If you’ve always been someone who shies away from feeling their negative emotions or even denies or hides from them, it may seem difficult to actually start to feel your feelings. A therapist can help you get better acquainted with the full range of your emotional life and can even suggest some tools and strategies that can help you understand, accept and navigate your emotions in the future.

 

Finally, here are some wonderful books to further explore your own personal journey to happiness:

 

 

References

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, General, Self-Esteem

Why Do We Judge Others & How Do We Stop?

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One of the things most of us are taught as children is to never judge other people.

We’re told…    “Don’t judge a book by its cover!”

Then, our adolescence is really all about judgments, learning to form our own opinions and perceptions apart from others;  learning to separate from our parents and judge the world through our own eyes.  We are also supposed to learn how to be accepting and open towards others and their different ideas, opinions and worldviews.  We’re told that we should walk a mile in another’s shoes before we judge them!

And yet, despite our best efforts, many of us still fall into the trap of judging others throughout our lives, even though we know we probably shouldn’t!

An investigation from researcher Dustin Wood at Wakefield University shows that people who are overly judgemental and critical tend to be more self-centred and even anti-social in their overall behaviours, while those who are less judgemental, actually tend to be happier, more kind-hearted and actually more emotionally stable!  This study also found that how positively you see other people actually reveals how satisfied you are with your own life, and how much you are liked by others.

So maybe learning not to judge others may actually improve our own life in some ways?  If we make an effort to see others in the best light we may actually end up happier ourselves?  Positivity and acceptance may be contagious!

But the reality is many of us often default to judging others.    So why do we do that?  Why do we judge others, often before we even get to know them?

It’s Natural to Make “Snap Judgements”

Our everyday world is chockfull of stimuli.  Our brain is constantly hit with hundreds of things every minute to process and to do that we make “snap judgements” to help it all make sense.    With all of this data coming in all the time we need to quickly simplify and structure the world so we can understand it better.    Unfortunately, though, this inclination towards making snap judgements and to quickly pigeonhole things as quickly as we can, may sometimes cause us to make judgments in error.

These quick judgements may lead us to judge people in a negative light before we truly get to know who they are as human beings.   How many times have you formed an opinion of someone based on a quick conversation or even based on how they look or how they were dressed?  Only to find out later that our assumption was totally wrong!    We may make snap judgements to simplify our world and “save brain power”, but doing so may cause us to view others inaccurately and maybe even harm potential new relationships.

It May Make Us Feel Superior

The truth is, sometimes judging others comes from our own insecurities and our own deep-seated fears of being flawed in some fundamental way.  Sometimes, tearing others down is a way some may use to prop themselves up. By judging others in a negative light, we compare ourselves to them and we may then find ourselves looking “better” in some way or another.  Compared to their life, their bank account, their house, their car, their education, their job, their behaviour, their body, their wife or husband, we may look pretty good!

But these kinds of comparisons are hollow, empty and even maybe unhealthy. We should use our own unique goals and progress in life as our measuring yardstick.   Instead, we let this comparison to others determine how well we’re doing!  We create a false sense of superiority when we spend our time locating the faults of others.  We decide, maybe even subconsciously to some degree, that as long as others are flawed, even slightly more than we are,  we can relax and feel more justified in our own shortcomings and failures to meet our own goals.   Instead of spending the time and effort finding these “shortcomings” in others, we would surely do much better to focus on how we can become our best selves?

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
Jiddu Krishnamurti

It Can Make Us Feel Like We’re Part of a Group

Judging others can also make us feel like we’re included as part of a group.    For instance, let’s look at a work situation where one person judges a co-worker regarding some behaviour or action or whatever — then they tell someone else and this person tells someone else, and so forth and so on.   All of a sudden a group-think has formed around this judgmental negativity.  A group forms around “picking on someone”.     

A great example are the cliques and “in-groups” that form in every junior high school.  No one judges quite like an insecure middle schooler!  These cliques are based on judging other’s behaviour, appearance, socio-economic status, etc etc.   It feels good to be a part of a group and included, but often, and sadly, this kind of negativity is often at the expense of another.   

It May Actually Help Us Understand Ourselves Better

Interestingly, judging others can also be a way to help us understand the world and ourselves better. When we explore our relationships with others and form opinions, we are also able to recognize what is important to us, what we value and what may bother us or push our buttons. 

 “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” 

Carl Jung

Judging may even help us explore our own faults and weaknesses.   Oftentimes, we are bothered by the qualities in others that we would prefer not to see in ourselves!   We are upset by another’s attitudes, character or even their lifestyle choices because they may be the very ones we dislike in ourselves.   For instance, if we notice someone in our life is a little short tempered or maybe whiny, or braggadocious, and it really bothers us?   We may want to be brave and take a deep, deep breath and look at ourselves and see if sometimes our own behaviours are similar and see if it’s something we may want to change ourselves.     

 

Breaking the Judgement Habit 

So how do we stop making these critical and shallow judgements of others? 

“The answer is that we are not helpless in the face of our first impressions. They may bubble up from the unconscious – from behind a locked door inside of our brain – but just because something is outside of awareness doesn’t mean it’s outside of control.”   

Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking 

If you’ve recognized that you may have an inclination toward judging others and really many of us do, here are some three strategies to start breaking the habit:

  • Really make an honest effort to try to walk a mile in another’s shoes and understand where other people are really coming from, and why they may act or look the way they do.  Understanding and empathy are crucial to stopping our judgement cycle.   Realize being human is being flawed — that absolutely no-one is perfect and therefore we should really, really try to have realistic expectations of others.
  • Try to explore and recognize your own self-doubts and uncertainties, especially if you recognize them in others and they irk you!    Recognize your own faults and work on improving yourself and building your own self-confidence instead of tearing others down.
  • Explore and examine your friendships and connections with others at work and other places. Are they based on positivity or are they maybe about judging or even actively criticizing and judging others?  If its the latter, ask yourself if this is really how you want your life to look and maybe instead focus on building connections based on positivity, empathy and mutual respect.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird 

If you find that you have a tendency towards judging others and it’s affecting your life in negative ways or maybe you feel that maybe it’s kind of due to your own feelings of low self-esteem, it may help to speak with a therapist who can help you learn to grow and change in helpful ways.

Filed Under: General, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

Can Having a Fuzzy Friend Improve Your Mental Health?

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Many people with different kinds of physical and mental challenges have been using service and emotional support animals for a while now.   Support animals are being used to help adults with dementia in geriatric care settings, help sick children in children’s hospitals, help people lower anxiety, help people with cancer recovery, help children with autism or other developmental disabilities, and to help veterans with PTSD.  Animal therapy has also been shown to be helpful for people in psychiatric care institutions.

Indeed, being around a pet can have many positive effects on our mental healthiness and well being.   A study published last year even showed that having a pet can even help with the most serious of mental illness.   Participants in this study, all with a diagnosis of either schizophrenia or bipolar disorder were interviewed regarding the often difficult day-to-day experience of living with a serious mental illness.

The findings from this study found that pets contributed significantly to the participant’s feelings of emotional and social support.  The pets in the study also helped the people gain a greater sense of control and effectiveness in their lives; which was grounded in their being able to care for a pet.   Most interestingly, pets also gave the study participants a sense of security and routine which helped them feel that they could turn to and rely on their pets in times of emotional need.

Some participants from this study said about their pets:

“When I’m feeling really low they are wonderful because they won’t leave my side for two days,”   “They just stay with me until I am ready to come out of it.”

“If I didn’t have my pets I think I would be on my own. You know what I mean, so it’s — it’s nice to come home and, you know, listen to the birds singing”.   (Brooks, 2016)

But having pets can also help people who don’t have a significant mental illness.    Companion animals can help people cope with all of life’s challenges and for many, many people, having a pet can relax us, relieve loneliness, calm us, and often just make us feel all around better and more positive about our life.

Studies have shown that having a pet can improve our mental health by increasing positivity and reducing depression, increasing social connections, increasing our levels of trust for others, increasing our empathy, reducing our feelings of aggression, and reducing anxiety and stress levels.   (Beetz, et al, 2012).

In 2010, researcher Allen R. McConnell, and his colleagues at Miami University and Saint Louis University, in a study entitled, Friends With Benefits: On the Positive Consequences of Pet Ownership, examined the benefits of pet ownership for “everyday people”.   The researchers found evidence that pet owners managed better in terms of mental well-being than people who didn’t own pets.   More specifically, pet owners

often experience greater well-being (e.g., greater self-esteem), exhibit healthier personality characteristics (e.g., more conscientiousness), and show attachment styles that are less negative toward the self (i.e., less fearful, less preoccupied).

The study also found that pets can really help fulfil their owner’s needs for social support and connection.   Pets

provide greater social needs fulfillment, were related to better owner well-being (e.g., less depression, less loneliness, greater self-esteem, greater happiness).

So how can caring for and loving our pets help us with supporting our positive mental wellness?   There are a really a number of ways, including the following:

Stress and Anxiety Reduction 

Your dog or cat loves it when you cuddle, stroke and pet them, but it’s actually quite beneficial to you as well!  Petting your fluff-butt has actually been shown to release happy brain chemicals like oxytocin, the hormone related to love and friendship and also related to stress and anxiety relief.   Stress causes our blood pressure to rise and also creates an increase of the stress chemical cortisol in our bodies which can actually damage our bodies over the long term.

Petting your dog or cat releases oxytocin, causing your blood pressure and cortisol levels to decrease.   From this lowering, you feel a reduction in anxiety/stress and a greater sense of wellness.    A study of people with high blood pressure, who then get a pet, showed a significant lowering of systolic and diastolic blood pressure in response to environmental stressors than those who did not get a pet (Friedman, 2007).

In a 2015 study for US Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) researcher Anne  Gadomski and her colleagues tracked 643 children aged between 4 and 10 over the course of 18 months.  The researchers actually found that having a pet in the home was associated with a significantly decreased probability of childhood anxiety, particularly social and separation anxiety.

Mindfulness and Pets

It’s hard for most people to be mindful and live “completely in the moment”.    We’re either thinking about the past, worrying about our to-do list or fretting about the future. But when we engage in play and interact with our pets, it helps us take our minds off of any negative worries/stressors and focuses us instead on the adorable fuzz-butt in front of us, forcing us to “be” in the moment.

Our animals love us unconditionally, even if we don’t love ourselves sometimes; they don’t judge or criticize us.   They totally live their life non-judgementally, always present and in the moment.   When we spend time with our animals it gives us the change to maybe emulate them to some degree and practice being nonjudgmentally in the moment!    Pets can be the greatest teachers of mindfulness!

You Don’t Feel Alone

Sometimes we can feel isolated, disconnected and alone, even when we’re around our coworkers, friends and loved ones.  Feeling alone and isolated can be one of the triggers that can lead to developing mental health problems like depression.

From the research, there is much evidence that pets may actually help alleviate loneliness.   Many college students away from home suffer from feeling alone and isolated or in other words, homesickness.   For most this is a minor issue, but for others, homesickness becomes more serious and really affects their mental well being and functioning.

A recent study investigated the usefulness of having AAT, animal-assisted therapy, as a treatment for homesick first-year college students.  In the study participants had one 45-minute session on Friday of each week where they interacted with a dog for 45 minutes.     The results actually showed that the intervention was successful in significantly decreasing homesickness and even in increasing the student’s overall satisfaction with life (Binfet & Passmore, 2016).

When we spend time with our pets, we feel like we’re really connected to something outside of ourselves, we feel connected to them.  This human-pet connection can help make us feel more happy, safe and secure.  Perhaps, it’s because they really love us unconditionally that allows us to connect with them in a special way that is really powerful in alleviating our feelings of being alone or isolated?

So in sum, having a pet can really improve our mental wellness and add to our lives in lots of positive and wonderful ways.  When your dog gives you that smile and wants to be petted or to play, or your cat cuddles up with you and a good book, you can’t help but smile and feel a connection.     When we take our dog for a walk or to the dog park we can’t help but feel an improvement in our mood and mental and physical well being.

If you don’t have a pet of your own?  You can still obtain these benefits by making the effort to volunteer at a shelter or animal rescue.  There are many animals out there alone who would love your companionship and the act of giving through volunteering also has some really positive benefits for our mental health.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring mental health treatment, please contact me today. While I’m not fuzzy or fluffy and I don’t have a wagging tail, I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help you.

 

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man”.    (Pudd’nhead Wilson, Mark Twain)

 

References:

Allen R. McConnell, PhD, Miami University; Christina M. Brown, PhD, Saint Louis University; Tonya M. Shoda, MA, Laura E. Stayton, BA,  and Colleen E. Martin, BA, Miami University;  Friends With Benefits: On the Positive Consequences of Pet Ownership,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 101, No. 6.

Barker S. B., Knisely J. S., McCain N. L., Schubert C. M., Pandurangi A. K.  Exploratory study of Stress-Buffering response patterns from interaction with a therapy dog. Anthrozoos. 2010;23(1):79–91. doi: 10.2752/175303710X12627079939341.

Binfet, J.T., & Passmore, H.A. (2016) Hounds and homesickness: The effects of an animal-assisted therapeutic intervention for first-year university students, Anthrozoös, 29(3), 441-454, doi: 10.1080/08927936.2016.118136

Beetz A, Uvnäs-Moberg K, Julius H, Kotrschal K. Psychosocial and Psychophysiological Effects of Human-Animal Interactions: The Possible Role of Oxytocin. Frontiers in Psychology. 2012;3:234. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2012.00234

Friedmann E., Thomas S. A., Cook L. K., Tsai C.-C., Picot S. J. A friendly dog as potential moderator of cardiovascular response to speech in older hypertensives. Anthrozoos. 2007;20(1):51–63. doi: 10.2752/089279307780216605

Gadomski AM, Scribani MB, Krupa N, Jenkins P, Nagykaldi Z, Olson AL. Pet Dogs and Children’s Health: Opportunities for Chronic Disease Prevention? Prev Chronic Dis 2015;12:150204. DOI:

H. Brooks, K. Rushton, S. Walker et al., “Ontological security, and connectivity provided by pets: a study in the self-management of the everyday lives of people diagnosed with long-term mental illness,” BMC Psychiatry, vol. 16, pp. 1–8, 2016

 

 

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What is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)? Are you one?

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Some people just seem to be more sensitive to their environment than others — they are just more “high-strung” and aware or “sensitive” to what’s around them.   For whatever reason, these people just tend to be more sensitive than their friends,  or even than their brothers and sisters.   They are really affected by the world around them and sometimes they can’t get through a movie or even a sappy TV commercial without feeling emotional or even shedding a few tears.    The type of TV commercials about abused animals or poverty in a third world country can actually affect them deeply on a visceral level.  They can also really be affected by violent TV shows or the news.

Judgement or criticism from others really affects them and may even cause them to feel real emotional pain even if the critique is actually fairly innocuous.   They are also often very empathic and try to be kind, considerate and accommodating to those around them, sometimes even to their own detriment.

Often these people are told, “You’re way too sensitive!” or “Why do you let everything bother you so much?”   The reality is that some people are simply just more sensitive than others.  Sometimes they are not only sensitive to emotional situations, but also to loud noise/sound, bright or sudden light, and even other physical stimuli around them like the smell of a strong overpowering perfume someone in the elevator is wearing.

A popular term that is used in the current vernacular is that these people are, literally, called, Highly Sensitive People, or HSP for short.   People who are HSP might react very strongly and negatively to a mildly difficult social situation, a loud noise or a strong smell that most people would barely pick up on their radar.

There is solid psychological research showing that being an HSP is certainly a “real thing” and is likely a certain “personality trait” known as “Sensory Processing Sensitivity” (SPS) that was really first discovered by personality researchers Aron and Aron in 1997.

Research suggests that Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), is found in about 20% of humans and in over 100 other animal species!    There is even fMRI brain scanning research showing that people with Sensory Processing Sensitivity even have brains that are much more likely to have recurrent activation in the regions involved in environmental attention and awareness, “emotional meaning making” and empathy (Acevedo, et. Al. 2014).

Why does it happen?

Evolutionarily speaking, HSP appears to be an adaptation to our environment that is designed and intended to help us survive as a species (Aron and Aron 1997).   By being more aware of and reactive to our environment, we gain an enhanced awareness of environmental possibilities and opportunities.   Being sensitive to our environment can help us in finding and accessing food sources and helps us to be more aware of threats from predators and other environmental dangers.

Being sensitive and socially aware of the nuances of human relationships can help us relate to others better and consequently have better success choosing and keeping mates, creating stronger social connections/alliances and forming stronger community bonds.   Awareness of our surroundings and creating community are some of the things that have allowed humans to thrive.  Unfortunately, people who are HSP may have too much of a good thing.  Their over-sensitivity to the environment may actually hinder their relationships and complicate their lives.

Might You Be a Highly Sensitive Person?

Do the following signs/characteristics seem familiar to you?

  • Sensitivity to criticism   Almost all criticism feels personal and even painful.   To many HSP’s there is no such thing as constructive criticism.   You are not able to let criticism “roll off your shoulders” as others seem to do.  Unfortunately, this can make you too much of a “people pleaser” and you may find it hard to set boundaries and limits with others.
  • You find it difficult to be watched when you “perform” or do something   You dislike doing things in public where you might be watched, critiqued or judged by others
  • You feel “overly” emotional in numerous situations in your life   Both positive or negative emotions are experienced intensely and you react strongly to them.
  • Sometimes you feel alone   Because other people may have told you that you need to “stop being so sensitive” or to “toughen up,” you see yourself as overly sensitive and judge yourself as inadequate or different and consequently you feel isolated or alone.
  • You’re very compassionate and generous   You have a high degree of empathy and try to offer help to those who hurt or suffer.  You’re really the person the cliché “walk a mile in another’s shoes was written for”.   You really go out of your way to avoid offending, insulting or hurting others feelings.
  • You’re especially sensitive to all kinds of external stimuli.   You seem to notice that the sounds of the nearby street are distracting, or that the overhead fluorescent lights are really “flickery”, annoying and loud.   Driving in fast heavy traffic may make you feel overstimulated.  Even noticing small things like the rough fabric of a shirt or being slightly cold in a room may make you feel much more uncomfortable than most people.
  • You notice how your body “feels” a lot of the time   You’re attuned to your body’s internal sensations and feelings.  You really feel being tired, cold, hungry, sad, anxious or worried.
  • Your emotions are “reactive”   Your personal feelings are often very strong and seem to always be there on the surface for you to think about.   You also have persistent reactions to what others around you are going through emotionally.  When your feelings and emotions about yourself and others come on so very strong, it’s really hard to ignore them or “put them away”.
  • You over analyze, overthink and worry too much   You seem to notice every little detail and spend too much time overthinking what should be a simple decision, like which laundry detergent to buy in the supermarket.  You also sometimes get stuck worrying about the future and spend a lot of time wondering:  “What if this or that happens, what if, what if, what if?”   (Here’s a link to a previous blog with some ways to start to change that overthinking pattern https://roberthammel.com/strategy-reducing-anxiety-worry-cbt-therapy/).
  • You’re really affected by making any bad decisions   When you finally do make a decision, and it turns out to be a bad one, you really take it hard. You really beat yourself up for making even the smallest mistakes.  This can create a vicious cycle that slows down your decision-making process even more — you learn that even small bad decisions affect you greatly, so you have to be super cautious making all decisions, even those small ones.
  • You may be quite sensitive to caffeine or other stimulants. 
  • You often feel fatigued or tired and often feel a sense of being overwhelmed   Because you deal intensely with your own and even other people’s emotions, and you feel a high degree of stimulation from the environment — a good part of the time — you may feel overwhelmed by all of it and feel as though you need may need to unplug or recharge more often than others.
  • You are especially polite.   Your sensitivity and awareness of the emotions of others make you very well mannered. You pay close attention to how you affect the people around you and you are very giving and “nice”.  You also get very irritated when other people are seen to be inconsiderate or ill-mannered.
  • Your mood can be significantly affected when you’re cold, hot, hungry or tired.
  • You find it really hard to say no   Because you don’t want to offend others or hurt their feelings you find it hard to say no and you often say yes when you really don’t want to.  This can leave us feeling “put out”, overwhelmed and even resentful.
  • You may be considered “artistic” and highly moved by art, nature, movies, literature etc.

If you have a good number of these characteristics, you may just be an HSP and possibly have the kind of brain that might be prone to experiencing Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS).   The only way to really tell for sure though is to meet with a qualified individual like a Psychologist who can help you explore this further.

So, What Can You Do If You Are an HSP or experience a number of these characteristics?

Being an HSP is not an easy row to hoe sometimes.  It can be difficult to have such a strong emotional connection to your world — but there are some things you can start to do for yourself to make it a bit easier:

  • Reframe your sensitivity as a positive — i.e. it’s a positive to be empathic and caring with others
  • Realize people and even the world itself are imperfect and it’s OK to make mistakes and bad decisions once in a while
  • Realize being HSP makes you unique and special and not less than others
  • Develop a sense of acceptance of who you are and remind yourself there is nothing wrong with you
  • Learn to set boundaries with people who may “take advantage” of your kindness.  Learn to say NO… politely.
  • Learn who you are and what your needs truly are.
  • Try relaxation strategies like deep breathing, physical exercise and meditation to lower your arousal
  • Have realistic expectations on yourself and cut yourself some slack
  • Limit being in highly stimulating environments and learn your sensitivity limits
  • Avoid negative ways to reduce environmental stimulation like overeating, drugs and alcohol
  • Be kind to yourself and give yourself the same empathy and kindness you give to other people
  • Realize it’s OK to take time alone to recharge and rest
  • Realize that as you grow and learn throughout your life — you can develop coping mechanisms to help you live in better ways and have HSP affect you less and less
  • Consider seeing a therapist if being HSP really affects how you want to live your life

If you find yourself feeling lots of anxiety or even feel depressed because of your emotional sensitivity — maybe it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist and find some effective coping strategies.

 

References:

Acevedo, B. P., Aron, E. N., Aron, A., Sangster, M.-D., Collins, N., & Brown, L. L. (2014). The highly sensitive brain: an fMRI study of sensory processing sensitivity and response to others’ emotions. Brain and Behavior, 4(4), 580–594. http://doi.org/10.1002/brb3.242

Aron, Elaine N. and Aron, Arthur Sensory-Processing Sensitivity and Its Relation to Introversion and Emotionality.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Copyright 1997 by the American Psychological Association, Inc. 1997, Vol. 73, No. 2, 345-368

Aron, E.N.  The highly sensitive person (HarperCollins Publishers Ltd, 1999)

Filed Under: Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, General, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

4 Things to Ask a Therapist Before Starting Therapy

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Meeting with a therapist for the first time can feel frightening and overwhelming. But there are ways to make starting counselling less intimidating. One of those ways is to make sure you’ve chosen a therapist who will be a good fit for you.

Before committing to a regular schedule with a therapist, there are 4 questions you should know the answers to. These questions can typically be answered in an initial phone or in-person consultation with your potential therapist.

  1. What Type of Therapy Do You Offer?

Most therapists specialize in a particular kind of therapy such as CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), Gestalt, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Psychodynamic, or Family Systems. Each of these schools of thought will inform how that therapist works; how they personally believe change and growth occur.

For example, Psychodynamic therapists pay special attention to past relationships and behaviours to help understand current crises. EMDR is used to heal the symptoms of trauma.  CBT is used to help us change negative thinking patterns.

It’s also important to understand how your therapist will work with you each week. Will you be assigned homework? What will be expected of you? If you’re seeking therapy for a specific problem, inquire how they would approach it.

  1. Is Contact Allowed In-Between Sessions?

If it’s important to you to be able to call, email or text your therapist with questions or concerns in-between sessions, ask what their policy is. Some therapists may only allow contact in case of emergency. If this is the case, you’ll want to be sure to ask what constitutes an emergency.

Some therapists may read email messages or listen to voicemails but will not respond, while others will reply or call you back.

Understanding your potential therapist’s policy for contact between sessions is essential to ensure you are both a good fit for each other.

  1. What Happens if You Have an Emergency?

Once you know what constitutes an emergency, you’ll want to know how they help you handle one. Some therapists will allow you to call them at home or at their office while others will use an answering service that will get a message to them. Still, others may ask you to all a crisis line or go to the hospital.

  1. How Much Experience Do You Have Treating People Like Me?

You wouldn’t hire a hairdresser to fix your leaky faucet, so why hire a therapist who doesn’t have experience treating people with issues similar to yours. Therapists often specialize in specific areas and become experts on that particular treatment. Don’t be afraid to ask this question to ensure you’re getting the best therapist for your needs.

If they don’t specialize in what you’re looking for, ask if they have any references that do. Often, therapists will refer you out anyway, if they feel that a colleague would be a better fit for you.

Finding the right therapist for you may take some time, but the search will be worthwhile.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help and answer any questions you may have.

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