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Recent Breakup? First Aid for Your Heart

October 15, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 6 Comments

We’ve all gone through a tough relationship breakup at some point or another, and many of us have gone through a divorce. Most of the time, they just aren’t an easy thing to go through. They’re painful and they hurt. We may feel rejected and broken, or we may feel terrible about having hurt someone we truly care about but just can’t be with. They can shake us to our very foundations.

Unfortunately, some people are much more affected than others by a breakup. Human brains are wired by evolution to “see” an intimate relationships as super important. They are our primary human mammal method for “mating” and procreating. We are hard-wired to value our intimate relationships and make them a priority. If they end, especially unexpectedly, we’re left reeling with a void in our lives and our minds.

Love and Addiction

Evolutionary Psychology and FMRI Brain Research even shows that being in love is really very much like having an addiction. When we’re in love the same brain circuitry is activated (and lights up on an FMRI!) as when we use cocaine! We actually get addicted to love, to being with our partner — and when they leave — it leaves us much like an addict without their drug. We actually go through love withdrawals! This also may explain why some people lose their appetites, lose large amounts of weight, get physically ill, feel exhausted and even develop anxiety disorders or clinical depression from a relationship loss.

Some people end up suffering a great deal after a breakup. A sudden or unexpected divorce or a high conflict breakup can even end up giving a person symptoms that are much like what happens after a trauma. People who experience a traumatic event in their lives will quite often react with feelings of shock, anger, nervousness, fear, grief, sadness and even guilt/shame. For most people, these common reactions will go away over time, but for someone experiencing severe post breakup distress, the feelings and negative emotions can continue to be present and maybe even escalate until the person has difficulty living their normal life.

The Symptoms of Breakup Distress

The symptoms of break up distress are many. Feeling like you’ve been kicked in the stomach and you can’t catch your breath, or feeling like you’ve been knocked down and can’t get up. There can be feelings of being rejected. Feelings of self doubt and shame are common. You may feel like you’re not good enough or feel less than others, or that maybe something is wrong with you. We may feel stuck and unable to let go or move on. We may have high feelings of arousal, an over awareness of our thoughts, emotions and even bodily sensations. There may be high anxiety levels, insomnia, a cognitive fog/trouble focusing and maybe even feeling hyper-vigilant (a feeling of being always on guard). This can also be feeling like you’re continuously stressed and edgy and every little thing gets to you.

People going through a breakup or divorce may remove themselves from the people or situations that are similar in some way to the traumatic break up event. People often feel or become detached from their loved ones and lose interest in their previous interests and passions. They may also avoid social situations or other stressful things.

People who have recently been rejected may also develop develop an obsessive anxiety kind of thinking. They may ruminate endlessly (think about over and over again) about their ex, about how badly and empty they are feeling, and how much they’ve lost and how will they ever go on?!?!

It’s also really hard because when we go through a break up, we’re left in a place where our entire future has now changed. We have to picture ourselves single and without the supportive person who has been super important and a daily constant in our life. This can bring up lots of fear and anxiety thoughts. We can feel like we have to make up a whole new life!

Triggers

These thoughts and feelings of loss may be triggered by places you used to go to with your ex, people you used to hang out together with, weekends and holidays can be particularly hard, and even simple everyday rituals that you shared can create emotional pain. If your ex is the person who made coffee every morning, making coffee for yourself is a constant reminder of your loss every morning! Experiencing a hard breakup is really quite a bit like dealing with any other kind of life trauma. You try to get on with life, you try to avoid the negative thoughts that cause you emotional pain and really try to find ways to keep yourself busy. And then sometimes you’ll also feel like you’re flooded by intense, sad, painful thoughts and memories and feelings. You may even find yourself in fearful or anxious obsessive feelings and thoughts. It can be a real emotional roller coaster!

Is it Affecting Your Life? A Lot?

In extreme situations some people may even feel like they are reliving/feeling the traumatic experience over and over again in their minds. This may include nightmares or flashbacks of the break up. This might also be constant unwanted thinking about the details of the breakup, sometimes even in an obsessive way. It can be like having unwanted feelings and thoughts in our head that just keep spinning and looping without any relief.

If you feel like you’re experiencing a number of these kinds of these symptoms or they are very severe and really affecting your life; or if you’re experiencing super high anxiety, obsessive thoughts, or you’re feeling really down and depressed — if you’re really suffering? First of all, I’m sorry that’s happening to you, secondly, it may be really important and helpful to speak to a mental health professional like a psychologist to help you process this experience and be able to get through this crappy painful experience as best you can.

Extreme reactions to a breakup are probably more common than we think, but really splitting up sucks for everyone. It’s probably on a continuum like most other human things; some people have a little grief and trauma and some people have a lot.

Regardless of where you are, let’s take a look at some ways to start taking your life back and begin feeling better, even if its only a little bit to start.

Allow Yourself The Time for Grief/Sadness

It’s totally okay to be sad, to feel down. It’s okay and maybe even a good idea to grieve the loss and feel all the feelings you’re feeling. If you’re in a safe place, (so probably not at your desk at work or on the bus) go ahead and allow yourself to feel the waves of sadness and loss you’re feeling. Cry or scream into a pillow if you have to. The important thing is to go ahead and feel the feelings. Again, if this is happening 2 weeks after the breakup, go with it, if it’s still happening and not improving one or two months down the road? Maybe see a professional for some help in your healing journey.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. ~Brené Brown

Go “No Contact” If You Have To

You might have a huge urge to call or text your ex. Of course you do, they were a big part of your life and now they are aren’t. You’re used to having them around. If the relationship is truly over and it’s painful to speak or be in contact with them, its perfectly okay to politely end contact with them for your own sense of well being and peace of mind.
Even though in today’s society it’s the trend to stay friends with all of your exes, you simply don’t have to if you don’t want to! It’s okay to do what’s right for you.

A really bad, old joke goes:

Patient lifts their arm and says:

“Hi Doctor, it hurts when I do this”.

The Doctor pauses, and says:

“Well then… don’t do that”.

It’s okay to cut ties with someone if they make you feel really badly and cause you to hurt.

Especially in today’s social media world, it may be best to cut back, unfollow or even block your ex if it’s too painful to watch them moving on. It hurts to watch someone moving on without us and especially since social media only shows the absolute best cherry-picked pics and moments of their life. If it’s too much and it hurts? Turn it off or surf somewhere else.

Don’t Date or Marry the Next Person You Trip Over

Some people jump right into new relationships right away after a breakup. They jump in without looking and without a life preserver. And hey, it’s an ego boost to have someone interested in you right away, it can be a rush that may even make you feel better temporarily. But unfortunately, if you’re really emotional and grieving, you really can’t be present and able to invest energy into a new person and relationship. You really do a disservice to the other person and to yourself if you jump in before you’re ready to swim. Rebound relationships probably have a bad reputation for a good reason.

Avoid the Bad Ways to Feel Good

Step away from the chocolate covered potato chips! Although things like junk food, alcohol, drugs or even sex with a stranger after the club can all make us feel better; it’s almost always just a temporary “feel better” and there is usually always a downside to the bad ways to feel good. There is always the risk of STD’s, hurting our health, gaining weight or the the risk of developing addictions. The reality is that many people develop addictions during a rough period in their lives. Instead, find healthy practices like physical exercise, or mindfulness meditation.

Take the Time For Gratitude & Mindfulness Practice

Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.

~ Kahlil Gibran

Feel gratitude for what you do have in your life; maybe it’s your house, or your your kids, or your job, or your friends and family, or even for your warm and cozy new sweater on a cold fall day. Making a gratitude list regularly can help with improving our mood and mental health and helps us get perspective on what’s truly important. 60 Things to Be Grateful For In Life

Make the time for mindful self awareness, start to believe that your feelings are just feelings, they are not who you are. Step back and observe them rather than getting stuck in them. Here are is a great article on using mindfulness to help you through a breakup. How to Have a Mindful Breakup—the Buddhist Way.

Validate Yourself! Get Involved With Life!

Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Volunteer, take a class, start a new hobby, play a new team sport, start working out again. Be creative and finish the painting that’s been collecting dust, write a short story, take up woodwork or knitting. Whatever it is, find things that make you feel good, activities that have goals you can accomplish and feel good about yourself.

The point is get involved with your life Even if you just go for a long drive or a long walk, get out of the house. Maybe sit in your local coffee shop and people watch or read a book. Find some music you like, and enjoy it, if it makes you feel better. But if you constantly end up listening to country breakup songs when you’d rather be feeling better? Stop it! Step away from the country!

Be Kind to Yourself

Cut yourself some slack, breakups happen to everyone. It’s not because you’re flawed or not good enough! It wasn’t “all your fault”. You were only 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship — not all of it! Breakups can cause us to have lots of negative feelings and emotions and sometimes the anxiety, anger and pain can be turned inwards on our self. Instead, try to be kinder to yourself and treat yourself with some compassion.

But this is all really part of being a flawed human — we all make mistakes with others and we may not always act in the best ways we could. But to put it frankly? We can’t change it! The past is the past and we can only learn from it. You did the best you could with what you had at the time!

You can have compassion for yourself-which is not self-pity. You’re simply recognizing that ‘this is tough, this hurts,’ and bringing the same warmhearted wish for suffering to lessen or end that you would bring to any dear friend grappling with the same pain, upset, or challenges as you. ~Rick Hanson

Science Is On Your Side

Epidemiology researcher Dr. Brian Boutwell, from Saint Louis University, analyzed numerous studies about breakups and love from an evolutionary psychology perspective. According to Dr. Boutwell,

Our review of the literature suggests we have a mechanism in our brains designed by natural selection to pull us through a very tumultuous time in our lives…it suggests people will recover; the pain will go away with time.

So there is actually a mechanism in our brain that pushes us to heal and get better! A mechanism that helps us move forward and get on with our lives! So even your brain is pulling for your to get through this!

Get Support

Find some ways to feel supported. Friends, family, spiritual involvement in your church, temple, mosque, ashram or other spiritual place. Maybe find a support group or make an appointment with a psychologist to get some support. Get some hugs! Getting hugged by someone who cares about us can really be a salve that helps us heal. Don’t isolate yourself! Don’t be afraid to reach out to your family and friends for help and support and maybe even a hug.

And finally here’s another blog with some more ideas on how to start to feel better: Start the Healing After an Emotional Trauma

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck – Dalai Lama

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

References

Boutwell, Brian B.; Barnes, J. C.; & Beaver, Kevin M. When love dies: Further elucidating the existence of a mate ejection module. Review of General Psychology, Vol 19(1), Mar 2015, 30-38 http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000022

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Filed Under: Divorce, General, Relationships, Trauma

Grace Under Fire: 7 Ways to Co-Parent Better After Divorce

March 30, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Why is being a co-parent so hard?

So you’re divorced or divorcing, and it may be brand new and feel like your entire world is cracking up and falling apart — or you may be farther along on the divorce journey and you’re feeling a little more settled and you may already have a new home or a new job or even a new partner. No matter where you are on the divorce ride, sometimes it can be stressful, difficult and/or even painful.

The often painful process of divorce can also bring the worst out in people. In the worst case scenario, both ex-partners are full of anger, bitterness and regret and they may even act mean and vengeful towards each other sometimes. There are resentments and grudges and very negative emotions towards each other. In the divorced couples where there is a lot of negativity and resentment, there is probably a history of intense marital conflict that preceded and then maybe even caused the divorce. Then, perhaps, a difficult, long contested divorce process may have thrown more gasoline on the conflict fire! This ongoing and habitual conflict almost always spills over into problems and conflicts co-parenting any children involved.

Then, often, on top of the divorce conflicts and unhappiness, other issues may also pile on top too; finances may now be more difficult; maybe your child is struggling at school or socially; you may be time stretched with new responsibilities and one or both partners may be dating or even remarried and some jealousies may then be ignited that then creates even more disharmony. There also may be big differences in parenting philosophies or styles and parenting may become another front on the divorce battleground.

Regardless, trying to co-parent isn’t easy at the best of times and it’s even harder when there are conflicts, resentments and jealousies. But it’s not impossible. So here are some great strategies to try to start better co-parenting with your ex-partner.

1. Setting Priorities

Take a good hard look at what you want to happen in your situation. Chances are you want to do the absolute best for your child. Some people by constantly arguing about rules, bedtimes or drop off times or about splitting the cost of the extra sports fees with their ex, may actually feel like they are acting as a champion for their child. By arguing with your ex about what you feel is the best bedtime or even berating them for being late for a pickup — you may feel you are really doing what’s best for your child and feel like you’re sticking up for your child’s right.

But is that really true? Instead, those parents are probably actually harming their children to some degree by exposing them to regular negativity and conflict, often about things that really aren’t important. Keep the focus on what’s best for your children, and what you can do to work toward providing the best and most calm life you can for them. Providing them with a loving, stable, and conflict-free environment is what they need to thrive! If you expose them to high levels of ongoing conflict, arguing and negativity you can actually make them more susceptible to problems with their emotional and mental health!

2. To Co-Parent Well is to Communicate Well

Because going through a divorce can be such an emotional and taxing process, your communication patterns with your ex-partner will likely suffer to some degree. It may be really emotionally difficult to communicate with them and you may not want to talk to, or even hear from your ex, even on your best days. However, it’s super important that communication regarding the children is maintained in the best ways possible. Ignoring their (appropriate) texts and phone calls may feel good in the moment, but it really just makes thing more difficult for everyone in the long run. Communicating well with your co-parent also assures that your children are not being used as messengers:

e.g. “Tell your mother you have a soccer practice on Friday” “Tell your dad the child support is due!”

Using your children as messengers is a really unhealthy habit to get into — it puts them in a role they shouldn’t be in, can affect them emotionally and cause them a lot of stress! Instead, try to communicate directly with your co-parent, maybe even finding creative ways to communicate to avoid conflict if necessary. Maybe experimenting with texting or email, or even snail mail letters may help if telephone calls are too much. Also, remember, that sometimes texting can be a really terrible way to communicate as it really doesn’t convey emotion well and there is always an expectation for a fast response. And maybe most importantly text fighting is really unproductive and no fun at all for anyone. If conflict levels are high, maybe using email in a “business-like” way might help? Try to treat your co-parent like you would a co-worker or a work client that you don’t necessarily like.

3. Communication: Just the Facts Jack

When communicating with your ex, remember that if you’re harbouring bitterness or resentments and there are suitcases of unfinished emotional business with your ex — there will often be a strong desire to express your own emotional needs when you communicate with them. Make a commitment to yourself, maybe even in conjunction with your ex-partner that for the sake of your children’s well-being, you’ll keep conversations focused on the issues around your children and not the divorce itself. Often to be a good parent you need focus on their needs and not your own!

4. Stop Being Rigid!

In my private practice working with many people going through divorces or custody issues — an area that often makes co-parenting difficult is if one or both partners are too rigid and set in their view of how the situation should unfold. There must be a rigid bedtime for both households, or the pickup or exchange time must be set in stone or the custody agreement must be followed to the letter, even when a wee bit of flexibility might be better for all involved. Really? It’s probably better to learn how to “go with the flow” sometimes.

Being flexible actually reduces defensiveness in the co-parent relationship and overall that reduces conflict levels! Learning how to compromise and cooperate with your co-parent will not only benefit both of you in building a more functional co-parent relationship, but it will also model the kind of positive behaviours to your children that will help them throughout their own lives! Be flexible and make a true effort to avoid any and all conflict about the small stuff that will inevitably come up — only stick to your guns if something is truly important. And note: very, very little is actually that important!

5. Attitudes & Perceptions

One of the best ways to improve co-parenting is to slow down, take a deep, deep breath and really try to stop seeing your ex as the villain in this particular story. Even though they may have cheated or left suddenly or even both; or they were greedy in the settlement or they may have acted in other really selfish or callous ways — the fact is — you still need to deal with them on a regular basis in the best way you can for the sake of your children.

At the very least you need to be civil towards them since that is truly in the best interest of your kids! You don’t even have to like them — you just have to be civil and get along with them without any game playing or unneeded negativity. It’s about making the effort to end or avoid the seemingly endless and useless conflicts about whose house has the child’s new package of underwear or who has to pay the extra $20 uniform deposit at school.

One way to start to change your attitude towards your ex is to really try to see your ex in a more positive way — and if you can’t possibly see your way to positive — maybe shoot for just seeing them in a less emotional and neutral way. Even if just thinking about them makes you feel an excess of negative emotions — with time you can actually learn how to step away from that negativity to a more neutral place. One way to do this is to genuinely see your ex as a flawed and imperfect human being. And since they are a flawed and imperfect human, maybe even cut them a little slack sometimes? Maybe if both co-parents made a bit of individual effort to have some empathy, respect and kindness towards each other, co-parenting might be actually easier and your children might flourish!

Really make the effort to step away from your own grudges, bitterness and anger. Why should you let all the negative emotion and poison you hold towards your ex may you feel so crappy, months and even years after the actual divorce? Why let them take up that negative space in your mind or affect your emotions to such a great degree? The answer is you don’t need to, in fact, people who hold bitterness and grudges often greatly affect their own emotional well being and even their physical health. So make an effort to put those resentful and even hostile grudges to rest. If you really struggle in this area it may be helpful to see a therapist who may be able to help you unpack all of that negative emotional baggage you’re holding on too.

6. Don’t Expose the Kids to the Conflict

Any kinds of bickering and fighting in front of your children can have a very negative and long-term impact on your children. They should not be bystanders to any arguments, criticisms or other negative behaviours. Children are like sponges and without a doubt they will see and learn these behaviours themselves. Also, being witness to constant conflict may make them feel that their world isn’t a safe place to be, and will cause them lots of stress which may predispose them to mental and physical health issues!

Here are some proven methods to help keep your children out of the crossfire:

Never speak poorly of your ex-spouse in front of the kids. Never, ever, ever
Don’t let or encourage your kids to take sides in the conflicts — they don’t belong in the middle!
Provide a safe non-judgemental place for them to express their emotions
Don’t include kids in what are adult issues and decisions

7. Self Care

Maintaining your physical and emotional health is important not only for you but also for your children as well. Having a healthy, happy, rested parent will help them adjust to all of the challenges of the divorce situation. Your children are very dependent on you, and you really owe it to them to give them your absolute best as a parent — and that means being physically and emotionally healthy. As well, taking time to care for yourself will also help you take the negative focus off of your divorce, and shift the focus back on to you moving forward, (where it should be) and on making positive changes in your life.

Maybe it’s yoga, or deep breathing, or mindfulness meditation, or physical exercise or even just getting a few good nights sleep — by taking care of yourself you can deal better with all of the challenges of life and co-parenting.

Here are some more good self-care tips to try: 7-steps-to-emotional-self-care

Although your ex is no longer your life-partner, you and they are still connected on some level, and will always be co-parents of the children that you have together. Learning to get along better, communicating better and making the effort to do so will bring comfort to your children as they learn to cope with the divorce. As you go through the journey of divorce, you often mourn the relationship you’ve lost, and also the dreams you had of the future. It can be very stressful and upsetting for all involved. If you’re really struggling with all of the emotions and stresses of co-parenting and/or a divorce contacting a professional for counselling may be helpful.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Divorce, Family Therapy, Relationships

Reluctance to Launch — How To Stop Enabling Your Adult Child

February 20, 2018 by RBRTHMMEL376 Leave a Comment

Does your adult child have a reluctance or even failure to launch? According to US census data, more than half of the young people between 18 to 24 years old still live at home with their parents, and almost 15% of adults in the 24 to 35 age group still do as well. In Canada, according to Stats Can. more than one in three (34.7%) young adults aged 20 to 34 were living with at least one parent in 2016, a number that has been increasing since 2001.

There are many reasons these young people are still living at home — they may be trying to save money to go to university, pay off student loans, to mortgage a house, or for many other understandable reasons. They may have returned home after a “failed” relationship or a divorce, leaving or graduating college, losing a job or an apartment, or for umpteen other reasons.

However, some are adult children who for whatever reason have experienced a reluctance or even failure to launch and remain quite dependent on their parents to meet their basic needs. They seem unmotivated or even fearful to make the jump to live life on their own. These young adult children that just won’t leave home can become quite financially and emotionally exhausting for their parents! Is this situation happening in your home? Do you have an adult child experiencing a reluctance or failure to launch?

Here are some warning signs that you may have adult children who might just be overly dependent on you.

1. You Are Carrying Them Financially

If you find yourself carrying your adult child’s financial responsibilities, and there are no extenuating circumstances like illness, mental health issues or a run of bad luck etc… If you are paying all of their bills and they are perfectly happy to let you carry their load… you may want to reevaluate your situation. If your child is non-contributing while you have to work longer hours, have to consider putting off retirement, or even take on a second job to support them. If you have to help them pay off their debts or pay their car payments, it may be time to reevaluate and have a serious, sit down talk with them.

2. They Do Not Seem to be Motivated to Change the Situation

This is where you really have to be honest with yourself, and with them. You have to take off your parental filters and curb your tendency to only see the good in your children. You really need to evaluate your child with the “eyes of a third person”. Are they really and truly making an effort to study, work or find a job? Are they making an effort to find a way to support themselves and be contributing members of your household and society? Are they really working towards independence? Are they somewhat motivated, or do they sleep every day until noon? Are they actually contributing to the household? Even if they’re not contributing financially, are they at the very least helping out significantly with chores or other tasks around the home? Has it been a problem for only a few months, or has it been a year or two?

3. They Are Continually Asking For Money

It may be perfectly fine to help out your adult child financially every once in a while, with their purchase of a necessary big ticket item like a house downpayment or with their tuition or books. But if your son or daughter is constantly borrowing money from you because they can’t seem to budget properly or even hold down a regular job. If they constantly promise to pay you back but never do, this is really a big red flag. Be honest with yourself, are you being taken advantage of?

4. Conflict and Disrespect

It’s natural for young people who are striving to find their own new place in the big wide world to be cranky and moody sometimes. But there is a fine line between an occasional bad mood and blatant disrespect sent in your direction.

Does your son or daughter seem polite, appreciative and even loving when they want or need help from you or do they possibly become disrespectful or even nasty when you say “no” to their demands? This kind of behaviour is often a warning sign that your child may be too dependent and some negative patterns may have formed.

Does it feel like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off or starting another conflict? Have you set boundaries that they keep overstepping? Again, more warning signs that the relationship with your child is probably an unhappy place to be.

What Now? Helping Them Launch

Is your relationship with your still at home adult child sending up some of these red flags? As a parent what do you do then? We want to really take a good look at the scenario and try to do what’s best for ourselves and what’s best for our child. Sometimes to do that, we may need to make some hard decisions that may even increase the conflicts short-term and maybe even cause some temporary pain for both of you.

As parents of an adult child, we’re actually entitled to take our own feelings and needs into account sometimes, especially when we feel that we may be being taken advantage of. Might it be okay to put our own needs first sometimes? We probably would with the other adults in our lives, so maybe its okay to do the same with our adult children? What do you really need to do maintain your sanity and your savings account?

Frequently a parents job is to guide and help your child figure out their own way. Part of discovering “their own way” is that sometimes they may actually need to feel the natural consequences of their own behaviours. This is often the very best way for them to learn the skills, strength and resiliency that is fundamental to their living a successful and independent life.

Parents who always step in to rescue their children from “normal” life consequences may be creating a negative pattern that then perpetuates a cycle in which the child then needs continuous rescuing. If we rescue them they don’t learn to master their own set of skills and behaviours to manage their own environment in a successful way.

Adult children don’t just develop independence and resiliency simply because they are of a certain age. Sometimes a parents toughest task may be actually cutting the apron strings — gently or even forcefully pushing our child from the nest, not because we’re mean-spirited, but because it may be the best thing for our child and ourselves in the long run! Some “stuck” adult children may need to be pushed out of the nest to encourage them to experience and learn the life skills they need!

Seeking out a therapist at this time may be very helpful in assisting parents who are trying to balance the best decision for themselves and for their child.

How To Support Their Independence

It’s helpful if you can step above the conflict and often adversarial nature of the parent and adult-child relationship and really try to take an encouraging and supportive role with your child. We want to really strive to help them to become confident, resilient and independent. It’s also helpful if you can remain positive and patient, making an effort to be non-adversarial when interacting with them. Like parenting children of any age, staying calm, being assertive and firm and setting healthy boundaries is what needs to happen to really support their growth to independence.

1. Have them contribute in some way

Having no financial responsibilities sounds great, doesn’t it? Take a deep breath, clear your head and really evaluate your current situation. Will totally or even partially supporting them help your adult child prepare for the sometimes harsh financial realities of the outside world?

A good place to start is to ask them to commit to contributing to the monthly household budget/expenses. If they are currently unemployed, along with making a concerted effort to find work, ask them to contribute through chores like housecleaning, grocery shopping or any other chores that will truly help you out. The goal here is to really help them see that when you’re an adult — there truly is no free lunch. We want to help them start developing new habits, attitudes and a sense of responsibility to themselves and others. This sense of responsibility will then be the cornerstone that will help them become independent and even thrive on their own.

2. Don’t give them money!

The reality is, very few of us can afford to support an adult child forever and we need to let them know this in an honest and clear communication. You cannot continue to endlessly give your adult child money without any expectations of payback. One of the first things to do is set a deadline and to stop any “allowance” or “loans” that they receive from you. If you’re already supporting them, and paying for their food and shelter? Maybe paying for these basic needs is meeting your parental obligations and they don’t need an allowance on top of that too? It’s not your role to pay for their expensive clothes, car payments, their outings with friends or entertainment, or even their vacations. Or, if they do have a job and spend all of their income on themselves without helping out with the household finances/budget, perhaps its more than past time to address that situation? A healthy young adult should be responsible for supporting themselves!

3. Responsibilities and expectations

Again we need to sit down with our adult child and discuss, without any fuzziness, a set of clear expectations and responsibilities that will help the child work towards their independence — natural consequences should be allowed to happen if they cannot make the effort to live up to these agreed upon expectations. Each situation will be different but the important part is that we need to be clear and concise with them — what are the clear expectations and their responsibilities needed for them to live with us? What does it look like, what do we expect from them? Under what conditions? What will we not put up with? What are their obligations and responsibilities financially? For how long can they stay?

4. Accessing therapy

Accessing individual therapy for the reluctant to launch adult child may be of great benefit in helping them explore and conquer their fears, doubts, and anxiety about beginning adulthood and becoming independent. Therapy will help them accept and effectively cope with the truths and challenges of being on their own for the first time. Therapy can also help them to develop a good plan of action and also build the strength and motivation needed to successfully reach for self-sufficiency.

I know in my private practice as a psychologist, I have helped a number of young people successfully cope with the fears, stresses and challenges of developing independence. The goal of therapy is to help them “individuate” from their family and become their own person. Therapy can help them with developing maturity, a sense of responsibility and self-confidence. It can also support their development of a strong individual “self” and create a healthy separation from their family of origin.

5. Set hard deadlines if you need to

Having a heartfelt talk with your son or daughter about these issues can be difficult. But maybe you need to bite the bullet and have that really hard discussion that you know you need to have — it may even be necessary to be a little tough and push them to find their independence. If they’ve been home for a while and there is a lot of pain and conflict? Pushing them towards independence might even salvage your relationship with them rather than allowing further harms to it.

Discuss a timeline and an “exit plan” with them. For instance, for now, they may stay and you’ll provide a roof and groceries but only for an agreed upon amount of time. Negotiate a date where the expectation is they have found a job or other way to support themselves, have saved for a damage deposit etc, and found their own place to live, whether an apartment, roommate situation or whatever suits them. But the point is you’ve set a firm limit and you’re willing to follow through for yours and their best interest. This not to say we shouldn’t have empathy for our child and since you’re the parent you’re certainly allowed to be as tough or as lenient as you see fit. But really try to look at the situation clearly and really ask yourself, what is truly the best thing for you and your adult child in the long term? Sometimes the best decisions can be the hardest ones.

If you’re dealing with this situation with your adult child, good luck in working through it and finding a positive resolution! No family is perfect. Keep in mind that this is really a common problem of life for many families and you’ll get through it as best you can!

Filed Under: Family Therapy, General, Parenting, Relationships, Teens/Children

Why Do We Judge Others & How Do We Stop?

February 12, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 2 Comments

One of the things most of us are taught as children is to never judge other people.

We’re told… “Don’t judge a book by its cover!”

Then, our adolescence is really all about judgments, learning to form our own opinions and perceptions apart from others; learning to separate from our parents and judge the world through our own eyes. We are also supposed to learn how to be accepting and open towards others and their different ideas, opinions and worldviews. We’re told that we should walk a mile in another’s shoes before we judge them!

And yet, despite our best efforts, many of us still fall into the trap of judging others throughout our lives, even though we know we probably shouldn’t!

An investigation from researcher Dustin Wood at Wakefield University shows that people who are overly judgemental and critical tend to be more self-centred and even anti-social in their overall behaviours, while those who are less judgemental, actually tend to be happier, more kind-hearted and actually more emotionally stable! This study also found that how positively you see other people actually reveals how satisfied you are with your own life, and how much you are liked by others.

So maybe learning not to judge others may actually improve our own life in some ways? If we make an effort to see others in the best light we may actually end up happier ourselves? Positivity and acceptance may be contagious!

But the reality is many of us often default to judging others. So why do we do that? Why do we judge others, often before we even get to know them?

It’s Natural to Make “Snap Judgements”

Our everyday world is chockfull of stimuli. Our brain is constantly hit with hundreds of things every minute to process and to do that we make “snap judgements” to help it all make sense. With all of this data coming in all the time we need to quickly simplify and structure the world so we can understand it better. Unfortunately, though, this inclination towards making snap judgements and to quickly pigeonhole things as quickly as we can, may sometimes cause us to make judgments in error.

These quick judgements may lead us to judge people in a negative light before we truly get to know who they are as human beings. How many times have you formed an opinion of someone based on a quick conversation or even based on how they look or how they were dressed? Only to find out later that our assumption was totally wrong! We may make snap judgements to simplify our world and “save brain power”, but doing so may cause us to view others inaccurately and maybe even harm potential new relationships.

It May Make Us Feel Superior

The truth is, sometimes judging others comes from our own insecurities and our own deep-seated fears of being flawed in some fundamental way. Sometimes, tearing others down is a way some may use to prop themselves up. By judging others in a negative light, we compare ourselves to them and we may then find ourselves looking “better” in some way or another. Compared to their life, their bank account, their house, their car, their education, their job, their behaviour, their body, their wife or husband, we may look pretty good!

But these kinds of comparisons are hollow, empty and even maybe unhealthy. We should use our own unique goals and progress in life as our measuring yardstick. Instead, we let this comparison to others determine how well we’re doing! We create a false sense of superiority when we spend our time locating the faults of others. We decide, maybe even subconsciously to some degree, that as long as others are flawed, even slightly more than we are, we can relax and feel more justified in our own shortcomings and failures to meet our own goals. Instead of spending the time and effort finding these “shortcomings” in others, we would surely do much better to focus on how we can become our best selves?

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
Jiddu Krishnamurti

It Can Make Us Feel Like We’re Part of a Group

Judging others can also make us feel like we’re included as part of a group. For instance, let’s look at a work situation where one person judges a co-worker regarding some behaviour or action or whatever — then they tell someone else and this person tells someone else, and so forth and so on. All of a sudden a group-think has formed around this judgmental negativity. A group forms around “picking on someone”.

A great example are the cliques and “in-groups” that form in every junior high school. No one judges quite like an insecure middle schooler! These cliques are based on judging other’s behaviour, appearance, socio-economic status, etc etc. It feels good to be a part of a group and included, but often, and sadly, this kind of negativity is often at the expense of another.

It May Actually Help Us Understand Ourselves Better

Interestingly, judging others can also be a way to help us understand the world and ourselves better. When we explore our relationships with others and form opinions, we are also able to recognize what is important to us, what we value and what may bother us or push our buttons.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Carl Jung

Judging may even help us explore our own faults and weaknesses. Oftentimes, we are bothered by the qualities in others that we would prefer not to see in ourselves! We are upset by another’s attitudes, character or even their lifestyle choices because they may be the very ones we dislike in ourselves. For instance, if we notice someone in our life is a little short tempered or maybe whiny, or braggadocious, and it really bothers us? We may want to be brave and take a deep, deep breath and look at ourselves and see if sometimes our own behaviours are similar and see if it’s something we may want to change ourselves.

Breaking the Judgement Habit

So how do we stop making these critical and shallow judgements of others?

“The answer is that we are not helpless in the face of our first impressions. They may bubble up from the unconscious – from behind a locked door inside of our brain – but just because something is outside of awareness doesn’t mean it’s outside of control.”

Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking

If you’ve recognized that you may have an inclination toward judging others and really many of us do, here are some three strategies to start breaking the habit:

Really make an honest effort to try to walk a mile in another’s shoes and understand where other people are really coming from, and why they may act or look the way they do. Understanding and empathy are crucial to stopping our judgement cycle. Realize being human is being flawed — that absolutely no-one is perfect and therefore we should really, really try to have realistic expectations of others.
Try to explore and recognize your own self-doubts and uncertainties, especially if you recognize them in others and they irk you! Recognize your own faults and work on improving yourself and building your own self-confidence instead of tearing others down.
Explore and examine your friendships and connections with others at work and other places. Are they based on positivity or are they maybe about judging or even actively criticizing and judging others? If its the latter, ask yourself if this is really how you want your life to look and maybe instead focus on building connections based on positivity, empathy and mutual respect.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

If you find that you have a tendency towards judging others and it’s affecting your life in negative ways or maybe you feel that maybe it’s kind of due to your own feelings of low self-esteem, it may help to speak with a therapist who can help you learn to grow and change in helpful ways.

Filed Under: General, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

The Emotional Challenges of Being a Stay-at-Home Parent

December 15, 2017 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 2 Comments

From personal experience, I can tell you that being a stay-at-home parent can be one of the most wonderful and rewarding things you may ever, ever, do, but it can also be incredibly emotional, stressful and challenging. It starts with caring for the every need of helpless little wiggly creatures… and dealing with colds and flus and teething, and colic and nightmares and diaper rash. Then there’s the guilt and worry about not being able to provide financially for your family and about being dependent on your spouse for financial support. Then there can also be feelings of boredom, loneliness and wondering if you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes you can really feel stuck and alone in the four walls of your home.

Let’s explore some of the common emotional challenges that come along with being a stay-at-home parent:

Not Finishing or Feeling Defeated Before You Even Start

Before you stayed home, you were always really on top of things. You worked full time, you worked hard and you were damn good at it — you also managed to keep the bills paid, the house clean and have the laundry done as well. You made it to the gym 3 or 4 times a week (maybe 2 or 3?) and even had time to go out with your friends for a few pints on “Wings Wednesday” or to that oh so relaxing yoga class.

Now it seems like you can’t finish… one… single… darn… thing…

There is a dried coffee stain on the counter that’s been there for weeks, there is a load of laundry getting wrinklier and wrinklier in the drier, and the vacuum cleaner itself… actually needs dusting! The bills have piled up because money and time are tight and you may or may not have fed the dog today.

One of the best ways to start dealing with this long list of things to do is to slow down and realize that it’s perfectly normal for parents, especially new parents, to have to change the order of the priorities on their to-do list — and to really take a deep breath and let some things go, so you can focus on the more important things, like keeping your kids alive, happy and comfortable.

It’s about realizing that coffee ring on the counter isn’t really hurting anyone and you’ll get to it sometime. It’s realizing that it’s totally normal and OK and helpful to let go of the expectations that you had on yourself before children. A happy, healthy child and a happy healthy mommy or daddy are much, much more important than a freshly cleaned house. Be realistic in your expectations and whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to others who may look like they have it together on the outside, as you never know… maybe they are about to implode!

Maybe it’s OK to be creative and spend that extra money for a weekly grocery delivery or a having a service do a deep clean once a month, even if it would make your grandmother roll over in her grave to find out you used a maid. This is not the time to worry about how your mother, or friends, or that perfect TV family parented and kept their house. Be your own kind of parent! Do what works for you! Set your own standards!

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help! See if a friend or family member can swing by and watch the kids while you spend an hour or two a week grocery shopping. This will help you fill the fridge and also maybe give you some alone time!

And finally, be kind to yourself. Don’t be hard on yourself if things aren’t perfect and try to just let go of some of those expectations (and especially if those expectations are the perfectionist, archetypal June Cleaver kind from the 1950’s). Make the effort to change your self-talk and mindset, and maybe just learn how to be OK with unfinished chores and long lasting coffee rings. Ask yourself: Does it really matter in the big picture? Really? I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that there are some things, maybe even lots of things, that are perhaps, maybe, possibly okay to just let go?

Isolation, Desolation, Loneliness and Boredom

You were once surrounded by people in your office (and you maybe even liked some of them?). There were long Monday morning coffee breaks and lunches out with other adults that you could laugh and talk and argue politics with. Your job kept you intellectually challenged — heck, keeping track of the office politics alone probably kept your mind busy!

Now you spend many days looking for lost socks and you may actually find yourself giving the sock the “what for”, telling it out loud how disappointed in its behaviour you are when you find it in the couch cushions!

Being a stay-at-home parent can be especially isolating, and especially so, if you were an extrovert or a social butterfly in your previous work-life. And though raising children is very heart filling and rewarding, there are plenty of days when you won’t speak to a single adult all day, or feel intellectually challenged, even a little bit; the boredom can feel mind-numbing sometimes.

Though it isn’t always easy finding the time to nurture your social and cerebral needs, it’s really super important that you try to make socializing and using your brain a priority. Make the effort to plan and execute regular grown-up gatherings with friends and families with and without the children. Maybe join a book club or take a class once a week (or an online class) if you need a challenge for your brain. Maybe join the soccer or softball “beer league” in your neighbourhood, or take those golf or tennis lessons you’ve always meant to take. Plan a get together with other stay-at-home parents, or join a mom and tots group, or one of the groups that go mall walking with their wee ones. Make it a true priority to get that social interaction and mental stimulation. Making an effort to find other adults to interact with and ways to support each other can be an important way to fight off loneliness and maintain our stay at home parent mental wellness.

Another great resource is to find online support groups or forums like the ones on Facebook where you can interact and connect with other stay at homers that are in the same boat as you.

Doubting Your Parenting

When you’re a stay-at-home parent, you seemingly eat, sleep, and breathe being a parent. From first thing in the morning until the last thoughts before sleep, somedays there is almost no break from it. It can really be all-encompassing, which makes it very easy to become somewhat obsessed and worried that maybe you’re not really doing a good job. It doesn’t help that the interwebz is full of “helicopter parenting” blogs, articles and advice columns that have totally wacky super high expectations that no parent, anywhere, actually meets, or could possibly ever meet. You may begin to really start questioning every little parenting decision you make and wonder if you’re harming your little dumpling’s emotional and intellectual development. I mean really, you’ve only read the 20 latest, greatest parenting books and you only have them in Gymboree once a week, playschool twice a week or maybe you got angry with them and raised your voice last week and you still feel a bit guilty.

A great way to deal with this doubt is by connecting with other stay-at-home parents in person or in an online chat room. These connections can really help you gain perspective on your situation.

Also when you find yourself beginning to worry and obsess, maybe step back and look at the “bigger picture”. Ask yourself: “Is my family happy and healthy?” Am I worried about something truly important, or am I “just worrying”?

Do some research and really know what is normal child development at various stages. The more you know about what is “normal” the more you can relax and realize that you’re really doing just fine! Here is a link to a great site that has The Developmental Stages laid out really well — Developmental Stages, Tasks and Milestones

Cut yourself some slack and be the parent you want to be, not the unrealistic ideal parent that we think we NEED to be. Here’s a really great irreverent and funny book on being the best parent you can and allaying some of those doubts:

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alicia Ybarbo and Mary Ann Zoellner

Special Challenges for Stay at Home Dads — The Stigma

At a few points during my parenting years, I was a stay at home dad. I was even a stay at home dad with a shiny, fresh newborn! So I know personally that being a stay at home dad has a few special challenges. Maybe most importantly is realizing that the sexist system that has held down women in the workplace (and elsewhere!), also takes pot shots at you if you’re a stay at home dad and you’re not in the workplace where you belong. You’ll get questioned by family and friends who might be surprised or even judgemental about what you’re doing.

You might get comments and questions like:

YOU’RE stying at home? (said with skepticism and incredulity)

Are you actually changing dirty diapers and cleaning the house? (again skepticism and incredulity)

So you’re Mr. Mom now?!?!? (yup, more, skepticism and incredulity)

Wow. Do you know what you’re doing? (like a man just isn’t capable of childcare)

Must be great to not have to go to work? (because childcare isn’t work?!?!?)

Did you lose your job? (seriously?)

Being a stay a stay at home dad has the added difficulty of challenging a very set and very archaic social rule. Men work and women care for babies. A stay at home dad breaks this rule and this can leave the dad feeling socially judged and maybe even ostracised for not being a “real man”. No matter how hard a man tries, it’s hard not to feel this kind of social pressure and not feel stigmatized. This added pressure can really make a stay at home dad begin to question their choice in takig the parenting role. They can also feel the stress of putting their career on hold because, well, men just don’t do that. They feel like they are spinning their wheels or falling behind. For all of these reasons being a stay at home dad can be a stressful experience.

One of the best things a stay at home dad can do to allay these feelings is to get support! Having open-minded, supportive and encouraging people to talk to can be a great help. A great resource for stay at home dads is the Stay at Home Dad Network that has great information and online support groups.

Motherism? There’s a Stigma for Stay At Home Moms Too!

Just like there is a social and cultural stigma for stay at home dads, one exists for stay at home moms too! Mom’s who stay at home and put their career on hold can also feel prejudiced against. Although feminism is a wonderful thing, it also has sprouted some unhealthy ideas and thoughts. Women who stay at home often feel they are looked down on by others who make a different choice and stay at work, a word coined for this is motherism. UK Researcher and Psychologist Dr. Aric Sigman, addressing a conference organised by the Mothers At Home Matter group stated that:

The implication is that by being a full-time mother you are “subjugated and servile” and even sexually unattractive once you are a mother – a quality only associated with women who return to work with their high heels and clipboards.’

Motherhood must not hide its light under a bushel. Greater maternal contact in the early years, especially during infancy, is greatly advantageous to the child.

So whether you’re a stay at home dad or mom you may find you may experience some social friction from colleagues, friends and family. The best way to deal with this perhaps is to really stay strong and positive about the choice you’ve made to stay home. If you truly value the stay at home parent role? Stick to your guns and defend it! Regardless of what society says, you made the choice to spend that crucial one on one time with your children and why waste your effort and emotional energy worrying about self-doubt, or what other people think? Also get support! Find an in person or online stay at home parent support group — there is strength in numbers and it’s super helpful being around people who really understand what it takes to stay home!

If you’re really stressed and overwrought though, sometimes, talking with a third party, like a therapist, can help you gain perspective on your life and how being a stay-at-home parent may be affecting you. If you’re interested in talking to someone, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

References:

Harding Eleanor. The rise of ‘motherism’: Stay-at-home mothers face prejudice assuming they are lazy, stupid and unattractive, expert warns. http://www.dailymail.co.uk//news/article-2469315/Dr-Aric-Sigman-Stay-home-mums-face-prejudice-assuming-lazy-stupid.html#ixzz50hOXNdlT http://mothersathomematter.co.uk/

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Teens/Children

What Now? Questions to Ask After an Affair

November 7, 2017 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can feel utterly overwhelming and for some, even devastating. It can feel like our comfortable secure world has seemingly ended! On top of the pain from the physical/sexual betrayal are the lies they may have told and the horrible, horrible feeling of having been being deceived by the person we trust the most. It is very common for people to feel completely overwhelmed once they discover the infidelity and not know exactly how to feel or react to the situation.

It can leave us feeling angry and hostile, sad and upset, anxious and worried or even numb and empty. When you first find about the deception, the first reaction is probably an emotional shock. We feel the gamut of emotions — from emotional paralysis to rage, disbelief, shock, anger, self-loathing, hatred and maybe even desperate and painful feelings of love for our partner.

Most importantly with all of these strong and often painful emotions, we need to make sure we are feeling safe. If you’re feeling very depressed and have thoughts of self-harm or want to harm others it’s important to contact a mental health professional, call 911, call a “helpline”, or go to our local hospital emergency room.

We especially need to be sure we are taking care of ourselves by getting enough sleep, eating healthy, getting exercise and really trying to believe there is hope at the end of the tunnel and that we’ll get through this!

Here are some ways to perform better emotional self-care: https://roberthammel.com/7-steps-to-emotional-self-care/

Once we’re taking care of ourselves better and we’re feeling calmer, a little less emotional and more balanced, we need to slow down and ask ourselves: What now?

1. What Now?

Once the affair has been discovered, it’s normal to feel completely out of control emotionally. You may find that it is hard for you to think calmly and clearly and very hard to focus on daily tasks like getting to work, running errands or cooking meals. It’s also not uncommon to have no appetite or have significant problems sleeping. For this reason, it is important that you avoid making any rushed decisions that you might regret later. Rushed judgments and bad choices can even hinder your healing process.

Even though it may be difficult, it’s important to take your time to think about and reflect on what has happened and to take note of your thoughts and emotions before making any permanent decisions. As you calm yourself and gather more information, you will be able to make an educated decision rather than a hurried one at the height of pain, emotion and stress.

We want to explore questions like these ones:

Did the affair actually end, is it really over? Is your partner doing what it takes to make it so?
What did the affair mean to your partner? Was it just for excitement or is your partner emotionally connected to the other person?
Has your partner totally checked out of your marriage? Be honest and really see them as they are, not as you want them to be.
Is your partner truly contrite and sorry and wanting to repair things?
Do you actually want to put in the effort to continue the relationship? Was it a good relationship in the first place?
Can you really see yourself as being able to forgive this and move on someday?
Scary to ponder, but could your life actually be better without this relationship?
Is this a one-off or has your partner done this before?
Know yourself. What do you really and truly want? Is that even possible in these circumstances?
Be reasonable and logical. We can’t go back in time or predict the future.
Might individual counselling help you get support and sort through this?
Might marriage counselling help?
Writing our thoughts and emotions in a journal may be a big help to sort through our emotions and feelings. The process of writing helps us slow our emotional thinking, look at things a little more accurately and make better decisions.

2. Is This Trauma?

After discovering your partner’s affair, it is very common for some people to experience many symptoms associated with trauma. Most people believe trauma is only shown in individuals who have experienced a violent crime, had a car accident, are returning from combat or have experienced some other “big” thing. The reality is, trauma can be also experienced by individuals who are dealing with their partner having an affair. Trauma is simply and accurately defined as being a strong emotional response that someone has to an extremely negative event in their lives.

Trauma symptoms may include:

Obsessing about or reliving the event in your mind
Avoidance of people, places and activities previously enjoyed
Lack of interest in the world around you
Negative thoughts about self (I’m not good enough, I’m a loser, the affair is my fault)
Heightened anxious emotions and reactivity
Shock, denial, disbelief
Depression, feeling sad and hopeless
Feeling weepy or crying all of a sudden out of the blue
Difficulties focusing and concentrating
Anger and irritability
Feeling a sense of depersonalization/feeling disconnected from the world around us/like we’re 10 feet underwater
Hypervigilance and self-protective behaviours like checking your partner’s wallet, pockets, email, phone apps, browser history, etc.
Isolating yourself
Going into denial mode and ignoring the situation
Sleeplessness, nightmares, lack of appetite

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms and they are really affecting your life, consider speaking with a therapist who can help you navigate your emotions and help you truly heal.

3. How Do I Feel About Me After the Affair?

After discovering your partner’s affair, you may begin to question yourself. You may find yourself asking things like, “What did I do to make them do this?” Or “What is wrong with me?” Or “Why am I not good enough?”

Even the most self-confident people can be humbled into being irrational and insecure self-doubters after an infidelity comes into the light. In a heartbeat, you are taken from feeling safe and secure to feeling insecure, angry, sad, anxious and even afraid for your future. Blaming yourself is a super-common response, even though it’s not very helpful to your overall well-being or getting through the situation at hand — in fact, it can even further your traumatization and delay your healing.

It’s super important to remember that when we’re feeling extremely emotionally distraught after an affair that we may not be looking at the situation or even ourselves very accurately and our emotions may be filtering how we see the world. Try to not criticize yourself and your character because of what someone else did! It’s important to look at our role in the situation, but not beat ourselves up necessarily with negative and critical self-talk about how we aren’t good enough or, how we deserved what we got because we weren’t a good husband or wife.

Yes, you probably have a role in what happened, but it’s not really your fault if our partner made bad choices and acted in deceitful ways. That’s on them and not you.

For a fresh perspective on the hows and whys and what to do’s of affairs check out this Ted Talk from Esther Perel on Rethinking Infidelity.

Are you or a loved one currently dealing with the emotional aftermath of an affair? Do you need help sorting out your emotions and making the important decisions that are right for you? If you are interested in exploring counselling/therapy, please contact me today. I would be more than happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Couples/Marriage, Relationships

7 Ways to Help Overcome Codependency

November 2, 2017 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 24 Comments

Do you feel like you are always trying to please others and in doing so, you neglect your own needs? Do you find you that you often find yourself accepting the responsibility for a loved one’s emotions or behaviours?

Is it hard to set effective boundaries and limits with others? Do you often feel mostly negative and unhappy but still have difficulty stepping away from what’s become a dysfunctional relationship? Are you overly emotionally reactive to relationship problems and conflicts?

Codependency can be defined as an ongoing pattern of behaviour in which you find yourself becoming overly dependent on approval from those close to you — where you depend on a relationship or intimate partner to define your own sense of self-worth and even your identity. Where it seems we can only really see ourselves through the eyes of another.

A red flag that often signifies codependency is when your purpose in life seems to be focused on your relationship and partner’s needs — where you find yourself always making significant sacrifices to maintain the relationship and to meet your partner’s needs. It’s where our own individual fulfilment becomes highly dependent on your partner and relationship — where we find ourselves losing our own sense of independence or self-sufficiency.

People who experience and struggle with codependency often have childhoods that contain emotional abuse or neglect; childhoods where they do not have their emotional needs met by the people closest to them. Their parents are often abusive, neglectful or selfish —- centring on their own needs and not their child’s. This creates an ingrained pattern of behaviour in which the individual repeats their childhood pattern of trying to construct and maintain a relationship even when their partner is very difficult, checked out and emotionally unavailable.

Codependent people often display some of these signs:

Find it hard to set boundaries and limits with others, often to their own detriment
Are “people pleasers”, often to their own detriment
Need a sense of control and predictivity in relationships
Are caretakers and often put others in front of their own needs
Find it very hard to express their own needs, feelings and thoughts
Are dependent on others and have a great fear of rejection
Have low self-esteem and fear of failure, being judged by others or making mistakes
Problems being intimate, open and honest in relationships
Are often in denial about their codependency
Often struggle with symptoms of stress, anger, anxiety and depression
Are very unsettled by arguments, disagreements and conflicts
Give too much time effort and energy in a relationship

These are some of the signs of codependency. Codependent people look to social cues from other people to tell them:

What they should feel

What they should need

What they should behave like

While most would agree that sensitivity to others is a wonderful and positive trait, people who are codependent often take it to an extreme, largely because of an inability to create healthy boundaries. They lose themselves in trying to meet the needs of others and have very few of their own boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are super important. Boundaries draw a line of separation and responsibility between our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours — and the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of others. Because these boundaries are blurred or missing, people who are codependent may experience high levels of stress, anger, resentment, anxiousness and even symptoms of depression.

While it may take time to break long-standing patterns of codependency, there are things you can do to overcome it.

1. Look to Your Past

The first step on your path to rescue is to take a look at your own past to reveal and understand experiences that may have contributed to your codependency. What is your family history? Is there emotional neglect and abuse? Were there events that led to you distancing yourself from your true inner emotions and ignoring your own needs?

This can be a difficult process and one that involves thinking about and re-experiencing childhood emotions. You may even find that you feel angry, sad, shameful or guilty as you think about this.

Note: This type of exploration can be very emotional and stressful and is often best done in a safe therapy relationship.

2. Recognize Denial

The second step to healing is to really be frank with yourself and recognize the problem. There probably a very good chance you have intellectualized and justified your codependence over time. While it can feel scary to admit to being codependent and/or involved in a dysfunctional relationship, honesty with yourself is really the first step toward healing.

3. Detach and Disentangle Yourself

In order to truly work on and improve ourselves, we have to first disconnect from the things we are troubled with. Personal growth will require giving up our preoccupation and over-involvement with trying to control, rescue, or change others and our defaulting to always trying to please someone else.

This means taking a deep breath, letting go and acknowledging we cannot fix problems that are not necessarily ours to fix. What problems do we “own” and what problems are “owned” by others in our lives? It’s about really trying to differentiate where you end and others begin.

4. Practice Self-care

Giving up your attempts to constantly please others is a good start to healing, but learning self-care is absolutely necessary as well. It’s super important that you really begin to explore and become aware of your own thoughts, feeling and needs. We also need to learn how to communicate them to others in our relationships. This may feel very hard and even foreign to us at first as if you are being especially self-centred. But that’s part of learning how to take care of our own needs.

Self-care means taking care of ourselves physically — eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and going to our doctor and taking any prescribed medications. Self-care also means caring for ourselves emotionally, making social connections, finding happy positive activities to fill our time, and allowing ourselves emotional downtime and rest if we need it. It also means really getting in touch and examining our own thoughts, opinions, values, wants and needs — regardless of what other’s opinions are. Good strategies to do this can be writing and reflecting through the process of journaling, reading appropriate books on self-care, and of course, going to therapy.

To create healthy long-term relationships with others, you must first build a strong one with yourself.

5. Learn to Say No!

One of the best ways you can begin to set healthy boundaries is to learn to say no to situations that are damaging to your own well-being. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. We have the right to say no to others and often we don’t need to give them a long explanation. We have the right to say no to things that are not the best for us. This is not about being selfish and uncaring towards others — but it’s about setting boundaries and putting our own needs first.

6. Be Kinder to Yourself!

Be kind to yourself! This is about self-compassion and treating yourself the same way you would treat the others you love!

Here is a good little exercise to try to do this:

Close your eyes and visualize your best friend.

Now imagine they come to you and says they are really hurting because something has really gone sideways in their life. They’ve lost a job or a relationship is faltering or they’ve “failed” in some way.

Would you say to them, “Well, it’s probably your fault because you didn’t do this or that” or “You should have tried harder” or say “It’s because you aren’t good enough or smart enough”

Of course, you wouldn’t say that to a friend. So why would you say that kind of stuff to yourself?

It’s more likely that you would embrace your friend and say, “That’s terrible. I’m sorry, how can I help”

You really should be kind to yourself in this way, too. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who is suffering. Learn to challenge any negative, critical self-talk, and any negative beliefs about yourself and your self-worth.

7. Learn Independence

Finally, try separating from others for certain periods of time to create a healthy sense of independence. Reduce dependence through learning to be alone and actually learning to like it! People who are codependent often find it very hard to spend time alone without others around.

Find an individual hobby or interest just for you. Go read in a coffee shop on your own, go the movies alone, go to the gym alone. Find some ways to create independence and learn to spend time with yourself!

Codependency can be changed and healed! Does changing this part of yourself make you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps seeking the guidance of a therapist might be beneficial as you work your way through exploring how codependency affects your life. A good therapist will be able to help you explore your past, your uncomfortable feelings and experiences, and help you learn more healthy ways of relating to yourself and to others.

If you are worried that you or a loved one is codependent and are interested in exploring therapy, please contact me today. I would be more than happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Couples/Marriage, Relationships, Self-Esteem

Time to go? Leaving a long term relationship in the best way.

August 16, 2017 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 13 Comments

So, you’ve been in a relationship for a year or two, or perhaps for even ten or twenty or more… but unfortunately for a while now, you’ve been really feeling unhappy or dissatisfied and have been thinking that maybe your relationship is past its best before date. How do know if it’s time to end it? It’s the very nature of relationships that sometimes, they end. In fact, all relationships we have in our life will come to an end in one way or another. In this blog, we’ll look at ways to explore and possibly end a relationship in a way that will help us feel more confident and positive in our decision and hopefully limit the harms to ourselves and others.

Please note: if you’re in a relationship that has violence or abuse it’s a different matter and here are a few links to some help in this scenario:

How to leave a violent relationship

RCMP Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse

So how then should we go about making that big decision without having regrets, and then if we decide we need to leave a relationship, how do we do that in the best way possible?

Be sure you have really tried to make it work.

One of the best ways to make sure you don’t have regrets about leaving is to honestly look at the situation and be confident that you’ve really given it a good try. For example, if it’s been a ten-year long marriage making a decision to leave should be a well thought out and reasoned decision, not a decision made in haste due to anger or frustration at circumstances that just may be temporary! Ask yourself was the relationship good last year or even three or six months ago? If so, could it be good again, and if you both want to put in the effort, maybe it could just be?

Do the math

Really sit down and be honest with yourself. Look at the relationship accurately and with some sense of detachment if you can. It’s really important to really look at your situation without the filters of love/romance or of anger clouding our thinking — use your logical thinking brain and really look at the situation as clearly as you can. For instance, has the relationship been 40% good and 60% bad, or is good 70% of the time and only 30% bad? Is your partner willing to take responsibility for their role in the problems and are they truly willing to making things better or do they blame you for the situation? Are you honestly taking responsibility for your role?

Be sure that it’s the relationship making you unhappy

In working with hundreds and hundreds of clients over the years I’ve seen time and time again that sometimes people blame the relationship/their partner for their unhappiness when in fact their unhappiness has much much more to do with them, their thinking patterns and maybe even their negative attitude. Or maybe you’re suffering from anxiety, depression or with an addiction issue, if so maybe it’s important to really look at yourself first. Are you looking to leave for the right reasons or are there other things affecting your thinking and attitude? Maybe seeing a psychologist like myself or another type of therapist can maybe help you sort out what’s you and what’s the relationship?

How do you define love as a concept? Are your expectations realistic?

Now I’m going to say some things that are a little controversial. What is love? Often people say that I’m no longer “in love” with my partner. Or I “love” them but I’m not “in love” with them. What does that really mean though? Unfortunately, it often means that people equate being “in love” with the exciting rush of sexuality and passion that often comes with a new and sparkly relationship. In a shiny new relationship, there is a rush of exciting “in-love” hormones and neurotransmitters in our brain.

In a nutshell, evolution makes new relationships feel that way so that we hook up and procreate lots of babies! But is it reasonable to expect a long-term relationship to always feel like an exciting new relationship? Maybe we need to really look at how we define love as a concept? Perhaps deciding that love is a verb and committing to our partner through thick and thin and realizing that often the rush of love feelings will come and go and that’s natural. Maybe true love isn’t necessarily about the shiny fresh tingling feelings of passion and sexuality in a new relationship? Maybe true and abiding love is more about accepting our partner, flaws and blemishes and all? Maybe it’s about having their “having their back” and making the effort to the commitment to being with them, even though sometimes it will be hard to do that?

To me true love isn’t about the tingly rush of meeting someone new — it’s more about acceptance, effort and really giving our best self to our partner — where two people make the conscious and deep decision to be with each other for the long term.

Here is a link to a previous blog on how to build acceptance in your relationship:

Create love and acceptance in your marriage!

Really look at what your life will look like if you end the relationship

It’s important to really look forward honestly at what your life will look like if and when you end it. For example, if you have children, what will it really be like to have to afford the costs of divorce, like paying for lawyers and having to sell a house or now having two households to pay for. What about dealing with all the challenges of having to co-parent? It’s more than OK to take into account financial matters and really look at how different your life will be after the split. Of course, money isn’t everything and shouldn’t be the sole reason to stay unhappy… but sometimes digging in and working on a savable marriage may be better than spending tens of thousands of dollars on two $500 an hour divorce lawyers.

Be sure you truly want to end the relationship

Sometimes we feel like we want out of a relationship when what we really want is a “remodel” of the relationship. We still love the other person but wish that things were different day to day. Maybe our needs aren’t being fulfilled practically, emotionally or sexually. Ask yourself would the relationship be better if… there was more or different sex, if your partner did more around the house, paid more attention to you, was more involved and present? Just because a relationship is unhappy or unsatisfying doesn’t mean that it can’t be changed with some work and effort if both people are willing to try to change things up. This is where it’s important to really be honest and forthright in letting your partner know what your needs really are. I don’t mean hints… I mean really having a sit down with them and being frank and honest about your needs and feelings and why things aren’t working for you!

Don’t cheat sexually or emotionally before you go!

Leaving a long term relationship should be done in the best and most honest way you can. Unfortunately, sometimes people look outside the relationship to others when things aren’t going well. Engaging in emotional and/or sexual relationships before you’ve ended the relationship often happens because the “leaver” is looking to build their self-confidence and prove to themselves that they are still attractive before they venture out on their own again. Sexual and emotional attention from being with a new lover can, of course, make us feel excited and giddy even! Some people even leverage this rush of good feelings as a way to feel stronger and then use this strength to leave their current relationship. The problem with this is that it often can really hurt the person being left — much more than if you left in a more respectful and kind manner. Infidelity can really affect people in lots of negative and painful ways; we’re actually wired to really be affected by infidelity and adding this pain on top of the pain of a relationship ending is unnecessary and even kind of selfish?

Here is a great TED Talk that takes a new perspective on infidelity from Esther Perel — Esther Perel: Rethinking Infidelity

Additionally, jumping into a new relationship right away before we’ve even left our current one often guarantees that the new relationship will probably crash and burn. A relationship built on the shaky foundations of deceit and dishonesty is probably not a good one. After leaving a long term relationship it is probably best to maybe take some time away from relationships and dating — a time to really concentrate on building our own life, distinct and separate from other people. It’s a time to maybe do a relationship autopsy and really figure out why our long term relationship ended. To honestly look at what was our role in the relationship ending. You’re really responsible for 100% of your 50% of what happened in your last relationship. It really takes two to tango! Try to leave with kindness, respect and empathy instead of anger and spite.

Even if you’re really ANGRY!!!!

Try to leave with kindness, respect and empathy

So if you’ve done the homework and decided its time to end it? Ask yourself how would you want to be treated if you were the person being “left”? What would you feel like if someone ended the relationship with you in a negative, unkind or even cruel way? Leaving someone behind can really hurt them and affect their life in many negative ways.

Even if you’re holding lots of negative anger and resentment towards your soon to be ex-partner, it may still be best to leave with “good karma”; to try to be kind and respectful. What if the relationship is really ending on a bitter note? What if the resentments and anger are really affecting you and the thought of being kind and sweet to them is too much for you to stomach? Maybe then it’s important to shoot for being neutral and detached rather than mean or spiteful?

A good strategy I often recommend to clients is to treat it like you would a business situation or decision. Try to be detached and keep your anger in check. This strategy is especially good to try if you have children involved or if you have assets to split up. Any divorce lawyer can tell you stories where a couple splitting up will fight tooth and nail over a few minor possessions. Really ask yourself is it worth it to battle it out over who gets the cheesy wooden salad bowl, the 10-year-old television or the threadbare couch in the basement? Try to be kind and respectful and if you can’t? Maybe the best strategy is to aim for neutral and “business-like”; really try to step away from your emotions and make this as pain-free as possible for everyone involved.

It’s also probably best for you emotionally and psychologically to make a clean break without anger and the creation of even more bad feelings and memories. Learning to let go of all the anger and resentments is probably the healthiest way for you to try move forward with your life.

Ending a relationship is never easy. Make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and that you’ve really thought it through!

If you need help sorting this out further, maybe contact a psychologist like myself who can help you sort out what’s the best way to make this hard decision in the best way possible.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Relationships