Couples/Marriage Archives - roberthammel.com

Fighting to Be Right: How to Win Your Marriage Conflicts

July 4, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

So how do you win a marriage conflict?

The short answer? A win in marriage occurs when both people feel that a disagreement was resolved fairly and both people actually feel it was a win-win. Usually, if one person wins? The marriage loses.

Be really honest with yourself, when you fight or have a marriage conflict with your partner, do you fight to win? Fight to be right? Fight to get your way? How is that working out? Are there lots of conflicts? Lots of unresolved conflicts, maybe? Well, unfortunately, these problems could actually be because of the competitive way you fight and it could even end up being the problem that may end your relationship.

As part of my private practice as a Psychologist, I often work with couples. And frankly? Sometimes it can be a really hard row to hoe! One of the most troublesome situations any marriage therapist faces occurs when the couple they are helping out seem to be constantly trying to “win the argument”. Each person wants to be THE person who is always right in every single, darn conflict. These are the kinds of “competitive marriages” where every little conflict becomes a deeply competitive matter of who is right or wrong.

Often these types of couples become painfully obvious to the therapist when they look to the therapist to be the judge, jury and executioner in every little marriage conflict they have. They each passionately present their “case” to the therapist and expect them to pass judgement on who is WRONG! And if they are both “wrong” to some degree (which is often the case by the way), they will even argue about who is the “most wrongest!”

Admit when you’re wrong and shut-up when you’re right! ~ John Gottman

I recently asked a friend of mine who’s been happily married for 24 years what the secret really is. His response was that as long as what his wife says doesn’t harm him or the marriage, either emotionally or financially — it’s really water off a duck’s back and it just doesn’t matter. That really gets to the heart of the matter. Sometimes your partner is going to think differently than you do! He and his wife have made the conscious choice to not conflict about the small things. Of course, it’s important to resolve conflicts but maybe the lesson my friend has learned in his marriage is that not all conflicts are worth having a no holds barred cage match over. Maybe it really makes more sense to pick your battles and just let the small things go?

If it’s hard to do that, it could be because either you or your partner or both of you are just naturally competitive or maybe even revel in winning a conflict. Some people are just more likely than others to have this competitiveness trait. It’s root probably lies in a leftover survival instinct; a biological competitiveness from our evolutionary history, where we had to compete with others for resources like food and mates!

And here are some great practical steps to start stopping your competitiveness:

You don’t need to solve every marriage conflict right here, right now!

Although this seems a bit counterintuitive, it’s also often a really successful way to approach marriage conflict. Not every marital problem has to be solved right now, today, with a sense of urgency and stress!!! Really, more important than solving any problem, is trying to create a sense of closeness, safety and comfort in your relationship. Sometimes it’s more important to put things on the back burner for a while, especially if the conflict is about things that really aren’t that important in the big scheme of things. For instance, if your partner has just worked a 12 hour day and they’re cranky, hungry and tired may not be the time to bring up that they’ve not been as close and attentive as you’d like. When it comes to conflict, timing is everything. Maybe even choose a set time to discuss conflictual matters. Weirdly enough, for many couples, if they pick a set time to deal with potentially difficult problems it actually seems to reduce the chances of conflict.

Being “right” usually only applies to math problems!

This step is about realizing that sometimes your partner just might be right even if they aren’t! And even if they aren’t completely right, they have a right to see the world in the way they see it! They have a right to have different ideas and opinions about things in life than you do. There is rarely only one way to see things in our world, most often, and with most issues, there are varying shades of grey. Your partner sees the world differently than you do. So what? Let it be and accept that they are different! They don’t have to be the same as you are and see everything the same ways.

It’s not a game nor a competition!

Strong and steady relationships are built on teamwork. It’s about finding the win-win. Finding what solution to the problem is the best for each partner and ultimately what’s best for their marriage! Fighting to win or be right in every marriage conflict creates a win-lose atmosphere and often ultimately ends in both partners losing and sometimes ultimately even losing the relationship!

Fighting fair

Everyone argues at some point, but those who fight fair in their marriage conflict, stick to the subject, and avoid insults or passive aggressiveness and are more likely to come up with a possible solution. Partners should learn to take a short break away from each other if the discussion gets too heated or intense. Here is a great article on fighting fair — Fighting Fair in A Relationship: How to Get What You Need and Stay Close While You Do It

We don’t always have to agree!

Sometimes there is a belief that we always have to agree for a relationship to be a good one. And to that, I say horsefeathers! In any long-term relationship, we should expect that there are going to be differences of opinion and one person is rarely always or even mostly right.

Play on the same team!

This is about making a super important mental shift from “me” to “we” — to see yourselves as two parts of a whole. Seeing your relationship as a team effort. Your relationship as something you are working on together rather than as competition to be right or a competition you’re trying to win.

In my couples counselling, I have seen many couples start to improve their lives together greatly just by making the mental shift from “me” to “we” – from being in competition to being on the same team!

You’re a team — and deciding this makes you see the world differently. When it comes to you and your partner versus the world, more often than not you should take their side. Be your partner’s ally against all the BS the world might throw at you and never do or say things that could leave them feeling hurt, insignificant or all alone.

Support or stand up for your partner when you see them feeling beat up, put down or discouraged. Support your partner by being in their corner, reminding them about how great they are, about all their positive qualities — and do this especially when the world gets them down and they are doubting themselves. Being teammates means you both have the same goals and you support and help each other get through life. You have their back and they have yours. Doesn’t that sound like a wonderful thing to have in your life? Someone that accepts you and supports your goals and is there to help you pick up the pieces when things seemingly fall apart? There is strength in numbers and two against the world is much strong than one!

Empathy & compassion

We can really reduce marriage conflict if we act in ways that are empathetic and compassionate. Having empathy and compassion simply means to try and walk in your spouse’s shoes and understand each situation from their own unique perspective. You don’t even have to agree with your spouse to understand where he or she is coming from in life. Just realize their ideas and thoughts are as valid and important as yours!

What’s your role?

One of the best ways to lessen conflict in a relationship is for both people to really take a hard look at what their role is in that conflict. Are you the person that keeps picking at a conflict, or the person that has to have a resolution right now! A big problem that often keeps people from making an effort is that sometimes it’s really hard to admit that they are more likely than not partially at fault for the problems in their relationship. It really takes two to tango.

Really we are 100% responsible for our 50% of a relationship — let that sink in. We are 100% responsible for our 50% of a relationship.

Relationships at a fundamental level are really about how two people interact together on a daily basis. When things go sideways and conflicts happen…. people often feel emotionally hurt and put the blame on their partner, effectively dodging their own negative behaviours and their own weaknesses. For many, it’s easier to just blame our spouse than it is to accept that we may be imperfect or flawed in some way.

So to make a relationship work we need to really look beyond our own denial at ourselves and our own behaviours. The key to change isn’t about how wrong our partner is or about changing our partner and their behaviours —– it often really lies in examining and changing ourselves.

So I hope this blog has given you some tools to start exploring how to win your marriage conflict!

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

Grace Under Fire: 7 Ways to Co-Parent Better After Divorce

March 30, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Why is being a co-parent so hard?

So you’re divorced or divorcing, and it may be brand new and feel like your entire world is cracking up and falling apart — or you may be farther along on the divorce journey and you’re feeling a little more settled and you may already have a new home or a new job or even a new partner. No matter where you are on the divorce ride, sometimes it can be stressful, difficult and/or even painful.

The often painful process of divorce can also bring the worst out in people. In the worst case scenario, both ex-partners are full of anger, bitterness and regret and they may even act mean and vengeful towards each other sometimes. There are resentments and grudges and very negative emotions towards each other. In the divorced couples where there is a lot of negativity and resentment, there is probably a history of intense marital conflict that preceded and then maybe even caused the divorce. Then, perhaps, a difficult, long contested divorce process may have thrown more gasoline on the conflict fire! This ongoing and habitual conflict almost always spills over into problems and conflicts co-parenting any children involved.

Then, often, on top of the divorce conflicts and unhappiness, other issues may also pile on top too; finances may now be more difficult; maybe your child is struggling at school or socially; you may be time stretched with new responsibilities and one or both partners may be dating or even remarried and some jealousies may then be ignited that then creates even more disharmony. There also may be big differences in parenting philosophies or styles and parenting may become another front on the divorce battleground.

Regardless, trying to co-parent isn’t easy at the best of times and it’s even harder when there are conflicts, resentments and jealousies. But it’s not impossible. So here are some great strategies to try to start better co-parenting with your ex-partner.

1. Setting Priorities

Take a good hard look at what you want to happen in your situation. Chances are you want to do the absolute best for your child. Some people by constantly arguing about rules, bedtimes or drop off times or about splitting the cost of the extra sports fees with their ex, may actually feel like they are acting as a champion for their child. By arguing with your ex about what you feel is the best bedtime or even berating them for being late for a pickup — you may feel you are really doing what’s best for your child and feel like you’re sticking up for your child’s right.

But is that really true? Instead, those parents are probably actually harming their children to some degree by exposing them to regular negativity and conflict, often about things that really aren’t important. Keep the focus on what’s best for your children, and what you can do to work toward providing the best and most calm life you can for them. Providing them with a loving, stable, and conflict-free environment is what they need to thrive! If you expose them to high levels of ongoing conflict, arguing and negativity you can actually make them more susceptible to problems with their emotional and mental health!

2. To Co-Parent Well is to Communicate Well

Because going through a divorce can be such an emotional and taxing process, your communication patterns with your ex-partner will likely suffer to some degree. It may be really emotionally difficult to communicate with them and you may not want to talk to, or even hear from your ex, even on your best days. However, it’s super important that communication regarding the children is maintained in the best ways possible. Ignoring their (appropriate) texts and phone calls may feel good in the moment, but it really just makes thing more difficult for everyone in the long run. Communicating well with your co-parent also assures that your children are not being used as messengers:

e.g. “Tell your mother you have a soccer practice on Friday” “Tell your dad the child support is due!”

Using your children as messengers is a really unhealthy habit to get into — it puts them in a role they shouldn’t be in, can affect them emotionally and cause them a lot of stress! Instead, try to communicate directly with your co-parent, maybe even finding creative ways to communicate to avoid conflict if necessary. Maybe experimenting with texting or email, or even snail mail letters may help if telephone calls are too much. Also, remember, that sometimes texting can be a really terrible way to communicate as it really doesn’t convey emotion well and there is always an expectation for a fast response. And maybe most importantly text fighting is really unproductive and no fun at all for anyone. If conflict levels are high, maybe using email in a “business-like” way might help? Try to treat your co-parent like you would a co-worker or a work client that you don’t necessarily like.

3. Communication: Just the Facts Jack

When communicating with your ex, remember that if you’re harbouring bitterness or resentments and there are suitcases of unfinished emotional business with your ex — there will often be a strong desire to express your own emotional needs when you communicate with them. Make a commitment to yourself, maybe even in conjunction with your ex-partner that for the sake of your children’s well-being, you’ll keep conversations focused on the issues around your children and not the divorce itself. Often to be a good parent you need focus on their needs and not your own!

4. Stop Being Rigid!

In my private practice working with many people going through divorces or custody issues — an area that often makes co-parenting difficult is if one or both partners are too rigid and set in their view of how the situation should unfold. There must be a rigid bedtime for both households, or the pickup or exchange time must be set in stone or the custody agreement must be followed to the letter, even when a wee bit of flexibility might be better for all involved. Really? It’s probably better to learn how to “go with the flow” sometimes.

Being flexible actually reduces defensiveness in the co-parent relationship and overall that reduces conflict levels! Learning how to compromise and cooperate with your co-parent will not only benefit both of you in building a more functional co-parent relationship, but it will also model the kind of positive behaviours to your children that will help them throughout their own lives! Be flexible and make a true effort to avoid any and all conflict about the small stuff that will inevitably come up — only stick to your guns if something is truly important. And note: very, very little is actually that important!

5. Attitudes & Perceptions

One of the best ways to improve co-parenting is to slow down, take a deep, deep breath and really try to stop seeing your ex as the villain in this particular story. Even though they may have cheated or left suddenly or even both; or they were greedy in the settlement or they may have acted in other really selfish or callous ways — the fact is — you still need to deal with them on a regular basis in the best way you can for the sake of your children.

At the very least you need to be civil towards them since that is truly in the best interest of your kids! You don’t even have to like them — you just have to be civil and get along with them without any game playing or unneeded negativity. It’s about making the effort to end or avoid the seemingly endless and useless conflicts about whose house has the child’s new package of underwear or who has to pay the extra $20 uniform deposit at school.

One way to start to change your attitude towards your ex is to really try to see your ex in a more positive way — and if you can’t possibly see your way to positive — maybe shoot for just seeing them in a less emotional and neutral way. Even if just thinking about them makes you feel an excess of negative emotions — with time you can actually learn how to step away from that negativity to a more neutral place. One way to do this is to genuinely see your ex as a flawed and imperfect human being. And since they are a flawed and imperfect human, maybe even cut them a little slack sometimes? Maybe if both co-parents made a bit of individual effort to have some empathy, respect and kindness towards each other, co-parenting might be actually easier and your children might flourish!

Really make the effort to step away from your own grudges, bitterness and anger. Why should you let all the negative emotion and poison you hold towards your ex may you feel so crappy, months and even years after the actual divorce? Why let them take up that negative space in your mind or affect your emotions to such a great degree? The answer is you don’t need to, in fact, people who hold bitterness and grudges often greatly affect their own emotional well being and even their physical health. So make an effort to put those resentful and even hostile grudges to rest. If you really struggle in this area it may be helpful to see a therapist who may be able to help you unpack all of that negative emotional baggage you’re holding on too.

6. Don’t Expose the Kids to the Conflict

Any kinds of bickering and fighting in front of your children can have a very negative and long-term impact on your children. They should not be bystanders to any arguments, criticisms or other negative behaviours. Children are like sponges and without a doubt they will see and learn these behaviours themselves. Also, being witness to constant conflict may make them feel that their world isn’t a safe place to be, and will cause them lots of stress which may predispose them to mental and physical health issues!

Here are some proven methods to help keep your children out of the crossfire:

Never speak poorly of your ex-spouse in front of the kids. Never, ever, ever
Don’t let or encourage your kids to take sides in the conflicts — they don’t belong in the middle!
Provide a safe non-judgemental place for them to express their emotions
Don’t include kids in what are adult issues and decisions

7. Self Care

Maintaining your physical and emotional health is important not only for you but also for your children as well. Having a healthy, happy, rested parent will help them adjust to all of the challenges of the divorce situation. Your children are very dependent on you, and you really owe it to them to give them your absolute best as a parent — and that means being physically and emotionally healthy. As well, taking time to care for yourself will also help you take the negative focus off of your divorce, and shift the focus back on to you moving forward, (where it should be) and on making positive changes in your life.

Maybe it’s yoga, or deep breathing, or mindfulness meditation, or physical exercise or even just getting a few good nights sleep — by taking care of yourself you can deal better with all of the challenges of life and co-parenting.

Here are some more good self-care tips to try: 7-steps-to-emotional-self-care

Although your ex is no longer your life-partner, you and they are still connected on some level, and will always be co-parents of the children that you have together. Learning to get along better, communicating better and making the effort to do so will bring comfort to your children as they learn to cope with the divorce. As you go through the journey of divorce, you often mourn the relationship you’ve lost, and also the dreams you had of the future. It can be very stressful and upsetting for all involved. If you’re really struggling with all of the emotions and stresses of co-parenting and/or a divorce contacting a professional for counselling may be helpful.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Divorce, Family Therapy, Relationships

Crucial Communication Skills to Improve Your Relationship

January 12, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Undoubtedly, one of the most important ways to keep any relationship healthy is through solid and balanced communication. When both partners understand how to communicate properly, it can actually help them feel more connected and even loved — this can help them feel more secure, happy and stable in their relationship. Having someone actually care enough to listen to us makes us feel wanted and even validated.

But when effective communication is missing in a relationship, both people can end up feeling isolated, alone, disconnected and maybe even unwanted. They may even become irritable and defensive and this can then cause the relationship to devolve to one where negative things like mistrust, misunderstanding and resentments can begin to take root and grow into relationship breakdown.

When couples end up feeling isolated, alone, mistrusting or misunderstood and resentful, it’s crucial that they try to start learning communication skills, chiefly how to listen to and validate their partner.

If you find your relationship is lacking in communication and you and your partner are struggling to connect with and understand each other, below are some of the most important essential listening skills that can help improve your communication

Validate Each Other’s Feelings

Emotional validation means recognizing and communicating acceptance of your partner’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors. To validate your partner really means to try and understand what they are saying and feeling from their point of view. This does not at all mean you have to fully agree with them. It just means that you really make an effort to see their particular perspective — that because you truly love and care about them, their thoughts, opinions and feelings are valid and important to you. It’s about trying to have a sense of openness and curiosity about what your partner is feeling.

You can validate them by saying something like:

What you’re saying makes sense, tell me more about that…

I can see how you might think/feel that…

I certainly hear what you’re saying and I understand…

I hear that you’re angry, frustrated sad, upset…

Yeah, I can see how that might make you feel really sad/frustrated/angry/tired…

You may not always fully understand your partner’s point of view. So maybe asking for clarification or for more information might help you understand and also help them feel more validated.

Can you explain that to me better?

Can you tell me more about that?

Can you clarify that for me?

What you’re saying makes sense, tell me more about that?

Watch Your Nonverbal Communication.

A famous scientific study by Mehrabian & Wiener, 1967 found that 55% of the communication of our attitudes and feelings is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and only 7% is the actual words spoken. So that means 80% + of our communication of attitudes and feelings takes place without any words! For a couple in a relationship, this is really a crucially important finding.

How can you tell if your partner is cross with you? Is it because they tell you? Or is it because they give you “the cold shoulder”, or a “dirty look”, maybe even a “look that could freeze water”? Sometimes it even feels like we can sense when our partner is upset with us, like a disturbance in the force. What this is, probably isn’t about changes in the vibrations of the universe, but that we can pick all of the small nuances and distinctions in our partner’s body language, actions or tone of voice

Look at the photo above, what do you see in their reactions, the woman is obviously concerned, angry or upset and she is letting her partner know about it, whereas the man looks upset, maybe angry, frustrated, maybe worried, and certainly overwhelmed.

When a couple tries to communicate and/or resolve a conflict, watching the nonverbal communication can be a key to making the communication productive. If every time you go to your partner with a problem they sigh deeply, act uninterested and grunt without putting down their phone, how many problems do you think will be solved? Not very many.

What if every time you and your partner tried to resolve a conflict one of you used a really strained voice, paced angrily and wagged their finger? How fast do you think those discussions would escalate to anger and unresolved conflict?

In my experience as a therapist and human being, nonverbal communications like hand gestures or tones of voice can actually be some of the things that make conflicts escalate and prevent them from being successfully resolved. Unresolved conflicts cause resentments and even contempt for our partner. Having a series of ongoing unresolved conflicts can even be marriage enders for many couples. Some people are also really really sensitive to the emotions of others and they are especially good at picking up the “signals” that other people put out, they are also very affected by having someone angry or upset with them. If this sounds like you, here is an article about exploring if you’re a Highly Sensitive Person.

So here are some things to try to keep your non-verbal/body language positive and conducive to sound communication:

Use open, neutral body language, turn towards your partner with an open stance.
Watch your tone of voice, if you feel it getting angry or strained maybe it’s time to take a break.
Try not to point angrily, wave your hands around or wagging your finger, make fists or cross your arms angrily
Try not to use negative facial signals like judgemental frowns, pursed lips or even sneers or snarls
Avoid sudden or aggressive movements, angry gestures or pacing about
Remember its almost always better to take a break and step away than escalate into a relationship-damaging conflict!!

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” Dalai Lama

Reflect or Mirror Your Partner

This approach is about reflecting or “mirroring” what your partner is saying in their own words. Yes, it might feel a bit weird at first, but it can be an incredibly effective communication technique. It’s about really listening to what your partner is saying and “restating” it or “paraphrasing” back to them in an inquisitive and open way. It’s about letting them know you are truly listening and wanting to learn more about what they are saying or feeling.

When you reflect or mirror what your partner has said, you may start your response with something like:

It sounds like what you’re saying is…

I hear you saying that you’re feeling/thinking this…

It sounds like you’re feeling…

Am I understanding you right? You’re saying that you feel this way…

Reflecting helps your partner feel heard and it also allows the conversation to slow down, avoiding escalating into conflict. It also allows you to fully process what your partner is saying, and that can make a difficult conversation significantly easier. It’s not about just parroting your partners words, it’s about really listening, understanding and clarifying your partner’s thoughts and feelings because it’s important to you to do so!

By using and practising this reflecting skill, the more you will actually hear and understand what your partner says and in turn, understand how they feel.

Empathizing With Your Partner

The next step to improving your relationship communication is making an effort to recognize the emotions your partner is experiencing “in the moment”. This skill will require you to be brave and explore the often-vulnerable territory of feelings.

Empathizing is super important because it shows your partner that how they feel really matters to you.

To grow your empathy:

Pay attention to the other person, really be interested in them and their ideas/beliefs/feelings. Be curious about their thoughts!
Stop thinking in terms of right and wrong. The world is rarely that black and white, it’s usually shades of grey. Unless you’re doing algebra, right and wrong is usually a matter of perspective. Be flexible!!
Really see your partner as your equal; truly see that their ideas/thoughts/opinions are as valid as yours. If you feel they aren’t and you feel superior, then sadly, your relationship probably won’t last.
Make an honest effort to “walk a mile” in your partner’s shoes. Respect and appreciate their individual and unique human experience as valid, even if it’s different from yours.
Don’t judge your partner’s ideas and opinions. Remember “love is a lack of judgement”
If you’re talking about a conflict? Be present and in the moment with your partner, not remembering and resenting the last 3 times they “made you” upset or angry.
Realize your partner (just like you) is human, flawed and imperfect; accept who they are and have reasonable expectations of them.

Though it may take some practice and time to get the hang of these new communication skills, the effort is worth it. And remember, when your partner practices these same skills, you will feel equally listened to, loved and respected!

Some couples may find they need a bit of help from a neutral third party. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for each partner to practice these listening skills. A trained therapist will be able to guide you and offer advice and adjustments.

Going to individual therapy can also help us explore and change any unproductive thoughts and behaviours we may have — like having skewed negative perceptions of our partner or help us in learning how to communicate in a way that makes our relationship grow and thrive!

If you want to improve your relationship it’s worth the time and effort! Good luck becoming a better communicator.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Uncategorized

The Emotional Challenges of Being a Stay-at-Home Parent

December 15, 2017 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 2 Comments

From personal experience, I can tell you that being a stay-at-home parent can be one of the most wonderful and rewarding things you may ever, ever, do, but it can also be incredibly emotional, stressful and challenging. It starts with caring for the every need of helpless little wiggly creatures… and dealing with colds and flus and teething, and colic and nightmares and diaper rash. Then there’s the guilt and worry about not being able to provide financially for your family and about being dependent on your spouse for financial support. Then there can also be feelings of boredom, loneliness and wondering if you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes you can really feel stuck and alone in the four walls of your home.

Let’s explore some of the common emotional challenges that come along with being a stay-at-home parent:

Not Finishing or Feeling Defeated Before You Even Start

Before you stayed home, you were always really on top of things. You worked full time, you worked hard and you were damn good at it — you also managed to keep the bills paid, the house clean and have the laundry done as well. You made it to the gym 3 or 4 times a week (maybe 2 or 3?) and even had time to go out with your friends for a few pints on “Wings Wednesday” or to that oh so relaxing yoga class.

Now it seems like you can’t finish… one… single… darn… thing…

There is a dried coffee stain on the counter that’s been there for weeks, there is a load of laundry getting wrinklier and wrinklier in the drier, and the vacuum cleaner itself… actually needs dusting! The bills have piled up because money and time are tight and you may or may not have fed the dog today.

One of the best ways to start dealing with this long list of things to do is to slow down and realize that it’s perfectly normal for parents, especially new parents, to have to change the order of the priorities on their to-do list — and to really take a deep breath and let some things go, so you can focus on the more important things, like keeping your kids alive, happy and comfortable.

It’s about realizing that coffee ring on the counter isn’t really hurting anyone and you’ll get to it sometime. It’s realizing that it’s totally normal and OK and helpful to let go of the expectations that you had on yourself before children. A happy, healthy child and a happy healthy mommy or daddy are much, much more important than a freshly cleaned house. Be realistic in your expectations and whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to others who may look like they have it together on the outside, as you never know… maybe they are about to implode!

Maybe it’s OK to be creative and spend that extra money for a weekly grocery delivery or a having a service do a deep clean once a month, even if it would make your grandmother roll over in her grave to find out you used a maid. This is not the time to worry about how your mother, or friends, or that perfect TV family parented and kept their house. Be your own kind of parent! Do what works for you! Set your own standards!

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help! See if a friend or family member can swing by and watch the kids while you spend an hour or two a week grocery shopping. This will help you fill the fridge and also maybe give you some alone time!

And finally, be kind to yourself. Don’t be hard on yourself if things aren’t perfect and try to just let go of some of those expectations (and especially if those expectations are the perfectionist, archetypal June Cleaver kind from the 1950’s). Make the effort to change your self-talk and mindset, and maybe just learn how to be OK with unfinished chores and long lasting coffee rings. Ask yourself: Does it really matter in the big picture? Really? I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that there are some things, maybe even lots of things, that are perhaps, maybe, possibly okay to just let go?

Isolation, Desolation, Loneliness and Boredom

You were once surrounded by people in your office (and you maybe even liked some of them?). There were long Monday morning coffee breaks and lunches out with other adults that you could laugh and talk and argue politics with. Your job kept you intellectually challenged — heck, keeping track of the office politics alone probably kept your mind busy!

Now you spend many days looking for lost socks and you may actually find yourself giving the sock the “what for”, telling it out loud how disappointed in its behaviour you are when you find it in the couch cushions!

Being a stay-at-home parent can be especially isolating, and especially so, if you were an extrovert or a social butterfly in your previous work-life. And though raising children is very heart filling and rewarding, there are plenty of days when you won’t speak to a single adult all day, or feel intellectually challenged, even a little bit; the boredom can feel mind-numbing sometimes.

Though it isn’t always easy finding the time to nurture your social and cerebral needs, it’s really super important that you try to make socializing and using your brain a priority. Make the effort to plan and execute regular grown-up gatherings with friends and families with and without the children. Maybe join a book club or take a class once a week (or an online class) if you need a challenge for your brain. Maybe join the soccer or softball “beer league” in your neighbourhood, or take those golf or tennis lessons you’ve always meant to take. Plan a get together with other stay-at-home parents, or join a mom and tots group, or one of the groups that go mall walking with their wee ones. Make it a true priority to get that social interaction and mental stimulation. Making an effort to find other adults to interact with and ways to support each other can be an important way to fight off loneliness and maintain our stay at home parent mental wellness.

Another great resource is to find online support groups or forums like the ones on Facebook where you can interact and connect with other stay at homers that are in the same boat as you.

Doubting Your Parenting

When you’re a stay-at-home parent, you seemingly eat, sleep, and breathe being a parent. From first thing in the morning until the last thoughts before sleep, somedays there is almost no break from it. It can really be all-encompassing, which makes it very easy to become somewhat obsessed and worried that maybe you’re not really doing a good job. It doesn’t help that the interwebz is full of “helicopter parenting” blogs, articles and advice columns that have totally wacky super high expectations that no parent, anywhere, actually meets, or could possibly ever meet. You may begin to really start questioning every little parenting decision you make and wonder if you’re harming your little dumpling’s emotional and intellectual development. I mean really, you’ve only read the 20 latest, greatest parenting books and you only have them in Gymboree once a week, playschool twice a week or maybe you got angry with them and raised your voice last week and you still feel a bit guilty.

A great way to deal with this doubt is by connecting with other stay-at-home parents in person or in an online chat room. These connections can really help you gain perspective on your situation.

Also when you find yourself beginning to worry and obsess, maybe step back and look at the “bigger picture”. Ask yourself: “Is my family happy and healthy?” Am I worried about something truly important, or am I “just worrying”?

Do some research and really know what is normal child development at various stages. The more you know about what is “normal” the more you can relax and realize that you’re really doing just fine! Here is a link to a great site that has The Developmental Stages laid out really well — Developmental Stages, Tasks and Milestones

Cut yourself some slack and be the parent you want to be, not the unrealistic ideal parent that we think we NEED to be. Here’s a really great irreverent and funny book on being the best parent you can and allaying some of those doubts:

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alicia Ybarbo and Mary Ann Zoellner

Special Challenges for Stay at Home Dads — The Stigma

At a few points during my parenting years, I was a stay at home dad. I was even a stay at home dad with a shiny, fresh newborn! So I know personally that being a stay at home dad has a few special challenges. Maybe most importantly is realizing that the sexist system that has held down women in the workplace (and elsewhere!), also takes pot shots at you if you’re a stay at home dad and you’re not in the workplace where you belong. You’ll get questioned by family and friends who might be surprised or even judgemental about what you’re doing.

You might get comments and questions like:

YOU’RE stying at home? (said with skepticism and incredulity)

Are you actually changing dirty diapers and cleaning the house? (again skepticism and incredulity)

So you’re Mr. Mom now?!?!? (yup, more, skepticism and incredulity)

Wow. Do you know what you’re doing? (like a man just isn’t capable of childcare)

Must be great to not have to go to work? (because childcare isn’t work?!?!?)

Did you lose your job? (seriously?)

Being a stay a stay at home dad has the added difficulty of challenging a very set and very archaic social rule. Men work and women care for babies. A stay at home dad breaks this rule and this can leave the dad feeling socially judged and maybe even ostracised for not being a “real man”. No matter how hard a man tries, it’s hard not to feel this kind of social pressure and not feel stigmatized. This added pressure can really make a stay at home dad begin to question their choice in takig the parenting role. They can also feel the stress of putting their career on hold because, well, men just don’t do that. They feel like they are spinning their wheels or falling behind. For all of these reasons being a stay at home dad can be a stressful experience.

One of the best things a stay at home dad can do to allay these feelings is to get support! Having open-minded, supportive and encouraging people to talk to can be a great help. A great resource for stay at home dads is the Stay at Home Dad Network that has great information and online support groups.

Motherism? There’s a Stigma for Stay At Home Moms Too!

Just like there is a social and cultural stigma for stay at home dads, one exists for stay at home moms too! Mom’s who stay at home and put their career on hold can also feel prejudiced against. Although feminism is a wonderful thing, it also has sprouted some unhealthy ideas and thoughts. Women who stay at home often feel they are looked down on by others who make a different choice and stay at work, a word coined for this is motherism. UK Researcher and Psychologist Dr. Aric Sigman, addressing a conference organised by the Mothers At Home Matter group stated that:

The implication is that by being a full-time mother you are “subjugated and servile” and even sexually unattractive once you are a mother – a quality only associated with women who return to work with their high heels and clipboards.’

Motherhood must not hide its light under a bushel. Greater maternal contact in the early years, especially during infancy, is greatly advantageous to the child.

So whether you’re a stay at home dad or mom you may find you may experience some social friction from colleagues, friends and family. The best way to deal with this perhaps is to really stay strong and positive about the choice you’ve made to stay home. If you truly value the stay at home parent role? Stick to your guns and defend it! Regardless of what society says, you made the choice to spend that crucial one on one time with your children and why waste your effort and emotional energy worrying about self-doubt, or what other people think? Also get support! Find an in person or online stay at home parent support group — there is strength in numbers and it’s super helpful being around people who really understand what it takes to stay home!

If you’re really stressed and overwrought though, sometimes, talking with a third party, like a therapist, can help you gain perspective on your life and how being a stay-at-home parent may be affecting you. If you’re interested in talking to someone, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

References:

Harding Eleanor. The rise of ‘motherism’: Stay-at-home mothers face prejudice assuming they are lazy, stupid and unattractive, expert warns. http://www.dailymail.co.uk//news/article-2469315/Dr-Aric-Sigman-Stay-home-mums-face-prejudice-assuming-lazy-stupid.html#ixzz50hOXNdlT http://mothersathomematter.co.uk/

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Teens/Children

What Now? Questions to Ask After an Affair

November 7, 2017 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can feel utterly overwhelming and for some, even devastating. It can feel like our comfortable secure world has seemingly ended! On top of the pain from the physical/sexual betrayal are the lies they may have told and the horrible, horrible feeling of having been being deceived by the person we trust the most. It is very common for people to feel completely overwhelmed once they discover the infidelity and not know exactly how to feel or react to the situation.

It can leave us feeling angry and hostile, sad and upset, anxious and worried or even numb and empty. When you first find about the deception, the first reaction is probably an emotional shock. We feel the gamut of emotions — from emotional paralysis to rage, disbelief, shock, anger, self-loathing, hatred and maybe even desperate and painful feelings of love for our partner.

Most importantly with all of these strong and often painful emotions, we need to make sure we are feeling safe. If you’re feeling very depressed and have thoughts of self-harm or want to harm others it’s important to contact a mental health professional, call 911, call a “helpline”, or go to our local hospital emergency room.

We especially need to be sure we are taking care of ourselves by getting enough sleep, eating healthy, getting exercise and really trying to believe there is hope at the end of the tunnel and that we’ll get through this!

Here are some ways to perform better emotional self-care: https://roberthammel.com/7-steps-to-emotional-self-care/

Once we’re taking care of ourselves better and we’re feeling calmer, a little less emotional and more balanced, we need to slow down and ask ourselves: What now?

1. What Now?

Once the affair has been discovered, it’s normal to feel completely out of control emotionally. You may find that it is hard for you to think calmly and clearly and very hard to focus on daily tasks like getting to work, running errands or cooking meals. It’s also not uncommon to have no appetite or have significant problems sleeping. For this reason, it is important that you avoid making any rushed decisions that you might regret later. Rushed judgments and bad choices can even hinder your healing process.

Even though it may be difficult, it’s important to take your time to think about and reflect on what has happened and to take note of your thoughts and emotions before making any permanent decisions. As you calm yourself and gather more information, you will be able to make an educated decision rather than a hurried one at the height of pain, emotion and stress.

We want to explore questions like these ones:

Did the affair actually end, is it really over? Is your partner doing what it takes to make it so?
What did the affair mean to your partner? Was it just for excitement or is your partner emotionally connected to the other person?
Has your partner totally checked out of your marriage? Be honest and really see them as they are, not as you want them to be.
Is your partner truly contrite and sorry and wanting to repair things?
Do you actually want to put in the effort to continue the relationship? Was it a good relationship in the first place?
Can you really see yourself as being able to forgive this and move on someday?
Scary to ponder, but could your life actually be better without this relationship?
Is this a one-off or has your partner done this before?
Know yourself. What do you really and truly want? Is that even possible in these circumstances?
Be reasonable and logical. We can’t go back in time or predict the future.
Might individual counselling help you get support and sort through this?
Might marriage counselling help?
Writing our thoughts and emotions in a journal may be a big help to sort through our emotions and feelings. The process of writing helps us slow our emotional thinking, look at things a little more accurately and make better decisions.

2. Is This Trauma?

After discovering your partner’s affair, it is very common for some people to experience many symptoms associated with trauma. Most people believe trauma is only shown in individuals who have experienced a violent crime, had a car accident, are returning from combat or have experienced some other “big” thing. The reality is, trauma can be also experienced by individuals who are dealing with their partner having an affair. Trauma is simply and accurately defined as being a strong emotional response that someone has to an extremely negative event in their lives.

Trauma symptoms may include:

Obsessing about or reliving the event in your mind
Avoidance of people, places and activities previously enjoyed
Lack of interest in the world around you
Negative thoughts about self (I’m not good enough, I’m a loser, the affair is my fault)
Heightened anxious emotions and reactivity
Shock, denial, disbelief
Depression, feeling sad and hopeless
Feeling weepy or crying all of a sudden out of the blue
Difficulties focusing and concentrating
Anger and irritability
Feeling a sense of depersonalization/feeling disconnected from the world around us/like we’re 10 feet underwater
Hypervigilance and self-protective behaviours like checking your partner’s wallet, pockets, email, phone apps, browser history, etc.
Isolating yourself
Going into denial mode and ignoring the situation
Sleeplessness, nightmares, lack of appetite

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms and they are really affecting your life, consider speaking with a therapist who can help you navigate your emotions and help you truly heal.

3. How Do I Feel About Me After the Affair?

After discovering your partner’s affair, you may begin to question yourself. You may find yourself asking things like, “What did I do to make them do this?” Or “What is wrong with me?” Or “Why am I not good enough?”

Even the most self-confident people can be humbled into being irrational and insecure self-doubters after an infidelity comes into the light. In a heartbeat, you are taken from feeling safe and secure to feeling insecure, angry, sad, anxious and even afraid for your future. Blaming yourself is a super-common response, even though it’s not very helpful to your overall well-being or getting through the situation at hand — in fact, it can even further your traumatization and delay your healing.

It’s super important to remember that when we’re feeling extremely emotionally distraught after an affair that we may not be looking at the situation or even ourselves very accurately and our emotions may be filtering how we see the world. Try to not criticize yourself and your character because of what someone else did! It’s important to look at our role in the situation, but not beat ourselves up necessarily with negative and critical self-talk about how we aren’t good enough or, how we deserved what we got because we weren’t a good husband or wife.

Yes, you probably have a role in what happened, but it’s not really your fault if our partner made bad choices and acted in deceitful ways. That’s on them and not you.

For a fresh perspective on the hows and whys and what to do’s of affairs check out this Ted Talk from Esther Perel on Rethinking Infidelity.

Are you or a loved one currently dealing with the emotional aftermath of an affair? Do you need help sorting out your emotions and making the important decisions that are right for you? If you are interested in exploring counselling/therapy, please contact me today. I would be more than happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Couples/Marriage, Relationships

7 Ways to Help Overcome Codependency

November 2, 2017 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 19 Comments

Do you feel like you are always trying to please others and in doing so, you neglect your own needs? Do you find you that you often find yourself accepting the responsibility for a loved one’s emotions or behaviours?

Is it hard to set effective boundaries and limits with others? Do you often feel mostly negative and unhappy but still have difficulty stepping away from what’s become a dysfunctional relationship? Are you overly emotionally reactive to relationship problems and conflicts?

Codependency can be defined as an ongoing pattern of behaviour in which you find yourself becoming overly dependent on approval from those close to you — where you depend on a relationship or intimate partner to define your own sense of self-worth and even your identity. Where it seems we can only really see ourselves through the eyes of another.

A red flag that often signifies codependency is when your purpose in life seems to be focused on your relationship and partner’s needs — where you find yourself always making significant sacrifices to maintain the relationship and to meet your partner’s needs. It’s where our own individual fulfilment becomes highly dependent on your partner and relationship — where we find ourselves losing our own sense of independence or self-sufficiency.

People who experience and struggle with codependency often have childhoods that contain emotional abuse or neglect; childhoods where they do not have their emotional needs met by the people closest to them. Their parents are often abusive, neglectful or selfish —- centring on their own needs and not their child’s. This creates an ingrained pattern of behaviour in which the individual repeats their childhood pattern of trying to construct and maintain a relationship even when their partner is very difficult, checked out and emotionally unavailable.

Codependent people often display some of these signs:

Find it hard to set boundaries and limits with others, often to their own detriment
Are “people pleasers”, often to their own detriment
Need a sense of control and predictivity in relationships
Are caretakers and often put others in front of their own needs
Find it very hard to express their own needs, feelings and thoughts
Are dependent on others and have a great fear of rejection
Have low self-esteem and fear of failure, being judged by others or making mistakes
Problems being intimate, open and honest in relationships
Are often in denial about their codependency
Often struggle with symptoms of stress, anger, anxiety and depression
Are very unsettled by arguments, disagreements and conflicts
Give too much time effort and energy in a relationship

These are some of the signs of codependency. Codependent people look to social cues from other people to tell them:

What they should feel

What they should need

What they should behave like

While most would agree that sensitivity to others is a wonderful and positive trait, people who are codependent often take it to an extreme, largely because of an inability to create healthy boundaries. They lose themselves in trying to meet the needs of others and have very few of their own boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are super important. Boundaries draw a line of separation and responsibility between our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours — and the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of others. Because these boundaries are blurred or missing, people who are codependent may experience high levels of stress, anger, resentment, anxiousness and even symptoms of depression.

While it may take time to break long-standing patterns of codependency, there are things you can do to overcome it.

1. Look to Your Past

The first step on your path to rescue is to take a look at your own past to reveal and understand experiences that may have contributed to your codependency. What is your family history? Is there emotional neglect and abuse? Were there events that led to you distancing yourself from your true inner emotions and ignoring your own needs?

This can be a difficult process and one that involves thinking about and re-experiencing childhood emotions. You may even find that you feel angry, sad, shameful or guilty as you think about this.

Note: This type of exploration can be very emotional and stressful and is often best done in a safe therapy relationship.

2. Recognize Denial

The second step to healing is to really be frank with yourself and recognize the problem. There probably a very good chance you have intellectualized and justified your codependence over time. While it can feel scary to admit to being codependent and/or involved in a dysfunctional relationship, honesty with yourself is really the first step toward healing.

3. Detach and Disentangle Yourself

In order to truly work on and improve ourselves, we have to first disconnect from the things we are troubled with. Personal growth will require giving up our preoccupation and over-involvement with trying to control, rescue, or change others and our defaulting to always trying to please someone else.

This means taking a deep breath, letting go and acknowledging we cannot fix problems that are not necessarily ours to fix. What problems do we “own” and what problems are “owned” by others in our lives? It’s about really trying to differentiate where you end and others begin.

4. Practice Self-care

Giving up your attempts to constantly please others is a good start to healing, but learning self-care is absolutely necessary as well. It’s super important that you really begin to explore and become aware of your own thoughts, feeling and needs. We also need to learn how to communicate them to others in our relationships. This may feel very hard and even foreign to us at first as if you are being especially self-centred. But that’s part of learning how to take care of our own needs.

Self-care means taking care of ourselves physically — eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and going to our doctor and taking any prescribed medications. Self-care also means caring for ourselves emotionally, making social connections, finding happy positive activities to fill our time, and allowing ourselves emotional downtime and rest if we need it. It also means really getting in touch and examining our own thoughts, opinions, values, wants and needs — regardless of what other’s opinions are. Good strategies to do this can be writing and reflecting through the process of journaling, reading appropriate books on self-care, and of course, going to therapy.

To create healthy long-term relationships with others, you must first build a strong one with yourself.

5. Learn to Say No!

One of the best ways you can begin to set healthy boundaries is to learn to say no to situations that are damaging to your own well-being. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. We have the right to say no to others and often we don’t need to give them a long explanation. We have the right to say no to things that are not the best for us. This is not about being selfish and uncaring towards others — but it’s about setting boundaries and putting our own needs first.

6. Be Kinder to Yourself!

Be kind to yourself! This is about self-compassion and treating yourself the same way you would treat the others you love!

Here is a good little exercise to try to do this:

Close your eyes and visualize your best friend.

Now imagine they come to you and says they are really hurting because something has really gone sideways in their life. They’ve lost a job or a relationship is faltering or they’ve “failed” in some way.

Would you say to them, “Well, it’s probably your fault because you didn’t do this or that” or “You should have tried harder” or say “It’s because you aren’t good enough or smart enough”

Of course, you wouldn’t say that to a friend. So why would you say that kind of stuff to yourself?

It’s more likely that you would embrace your friend and say, “That’s terrible. I’m sorry, how can I help”

You really should be kind to yourself in this way, too. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who is suffering. Learn to challenge any negative, critical self-talk, and any negative beliefs about yourself and your self-worth.

7. Learn Independence

Finally, try separating from others for certain periods of time to create a healthy sense of independence. Reduce dependence through learning to be alone and actually learning to like it! People who are codependent often find it very hard to spend time alone without others around.

Find an individual hobby or interest just for you. Go read in a coffee shop on your own, go the movies alone, go to the gym alone. Find some ways to create independence and learn to spend time with yourself!

Codependency can be changed and healed! Does changing this part of yourself make you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps seeking the guidance of a therapist might be beneficial as you work your way through exploring how codependency affects your life. A good therapist will be able to help you explore your past, your uncomfortable feelings and experiences, and help you learn more healthy ways of relating to yourself and to others.

If you are worried that you or a loved one is codependent and are interested in exploring therapy, please contact me today. I would be more than happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Couples/Marriage, Relationships, Self-Esteem

How To Really Get the Most Out Of Couples Therapy

August 31, 2017 by RBRTHMMEL376 Leave a Comment

As a therapist, I get to see many relationship miracles happen in therapy…

Well, okay, there are no miracles really. The fact is that “fixing” a relationship takes work. Hard work. It takes two people wanting it to work, getting help, changing their behaviours and then putting in an effort.

Having said that, I have seen many couples go from being on the precipice of divorce to rekindling their love, and developing a new sense of respect and admiration for each other — from resenting to actually liking each other again!

Couples therapy can really be a powerful agent of change in peoples lives, there is no doubt about it. But why do some couples make it while others simply don’t? The couples I have seen recover successfully from a myriad of marital problems/issues usually have certain things in common.

Here are some ways you and your partner can get the most out of couples therapy and set yourselves up for success.

Commitment and drive

Many couples view therapy as a place to make a last-ditch, “Hail Mary” effort, which really makes it all the more important to go all-in and commit to the process entirely. And even if therapy is your first attempt to salvage the relationship, it’s important that both parties give it their time, effort and energy.

This also means that even if nothing else has worked, and even if sometimes it feels hopeless, you still try to leave negativity, past arguments, defensiveness, criticism, contempt, or stonewalling at the door. These negative things are what caused the problem in the first place.

Be Optimistically Open Minded

It’s common to be cynical or doubtful of the therapy process if you have no experience with it. It’s also common to feel sceptical that your particular problems or issues are just way too big to be overcome in counselling. While there are no guarantees or warranties in life, my professional experience has shown me that a great number of relationship problems are solvable. But if you believe that they aren’t, you’re setting yourself up for failure right at the outset.

Real change requires an optimistic open mind

Do Your Homework!

Most people don’t spend tuition money and time on college or university to NOT do any of your homework. The absolute same goes for homework in couples therapy!

During most sessions, your therapist will help facilitate respectful and effective communication and give you some tools to get the same results at home. But it is really up to YOU to actually USE these tools at home!

Your relationship will not be “fixed” every Wednesday from 5:00 to 6:00 pm, it will be fixed from the work you both do on your own time at home and out in the world. The point of therapy is to learn how to navigate obstacles and conflict as they arise in everyday life outside of the therapist’s office — to make the relationship work you have to be aware and present all the time. Make fixing your relationship a priority all the time, not just at therapy. Like tuition, therapy isn’t cheap! Spend wisely and make it worth your time and money! Do Your Homework!

What is your role?

You are totally responsible for 100% of your 50% in the relationship. What are you doing that isn’t working? Taking responsibility for your role in why things aren’t working is crucial to success. It really takes two to tango! Are you really present and available to your partner? Are you really in it to win it? Do you really want to be in the relationship and are you willing to really and truly look at yourself and what the things are you doing that aren’t productive or positive in the relationship?

Couples therapy is a wonderful resource that helps many couples overcome all kinds of difficulties. If you’re really willing to commit to being a part of the process and responsible for your own actions, have an optimistic and open mind, and do the homework, you and your partner have an excellent chance of creating a robust and respectful relationship.

And did I mention, Do your homework! 😀

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

Can Empathy and Compassion Help Your Addicted Loved One?

July 28, 2017 by RBRTHMMEL376 2 Comments

It can be super difficult navigating through any relationship that is affected by serious addiction issues. There is a strong belief out there in the world that helping our loved ones and treating them too kindly can end in creating a codependency and worsen their addiction — instead, the best thing to do is show them some tough love! That you have to be “cruel to be kind”. (Thank you Nick Lowe).

Without a doubt, it can be hard to be with a person who is addicted. They may even act in some really negative ways; they may ask for or steal money for drugs or alcohol; they may continually cross our boundaries and cause us pain or heartache, they make be continually rationalizing and making all kinds of excuses for their negative and even destructive behaviours.

Lots of research has found that family, friends and even the community can play important roles in recovery. While loved ones can’t actually change their addicted friend or family member, they can make the effort to try to act in ways that will help create a loving and caring environment where their loved one feels supported and cared about.

Much new research in addictions is showing that many of those who are addicted actually quit without professional help and that one of the primary factors that helps someone end an addiction is when the addicted person has a strong connection to their loved ones and to the greater community. It also helps significantly when their relationship with their loved ones is based in respect and acceptance (Heyman 2013).

Why are Empathy and Compassion So Powerful?

When we offer a loved one our genuine empathy and compassion, we intentionally join them in their suffering and then, and only then, can we give them the authentic support and love that are truly the synergists that may spark their healing and recovery.

Being empathic and compassionate means that we are an active witness to the suffering they are dealing with in their addiction. Making a concerted effort to have compassion allows us to really see our loved one and the suffering they are going through.

In their excellent book, When Your Partner Has an Addiction: How Compassion Can Transform Your Relationship (and Heal You Both in the Process), co-authors Christopher Kennedy Lawford and Beverly Engel explore how spouses/partners can help the recovery of the people they love. From their book:

“Compassion is the most powerful tool you can have when it comes to healing addictions of any kind. Put simply, what your partner needs most from you is compassion.”

“Human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections. If we can’t connect with each other, we will connect with whatever we can find … It is disconnection that drives addiction.”

Lawford and Engels’s book is an excellent resource on how to connect with a loved one who is struggling with addiction.

So now that we understand why empathy and compassion are so important, how do we do that?

Here are some good strategies to help you help your loved one:

Validate Them and Their Experience

To feel validated, the addicted loved one needs to feel seen, heard and understood. To feel understood our loved ones must know they have the space to express their anger, frustration, fears, suffering, sadness, or any other strong emotion they are feeling. Negative emotions are often one of the biggest causal factors at the centre of an addiction. Negative emotions are the fuel that keeps the addiction churning along. Friends and family members who disregard or minimize their loved one’s suffering may actually be helping the addiction and harming their loved one! Empathy helps us stop judging and validate the person. Compassion allows us to judge less and listen more.

Provide Comfort

Whether it’s physical or emotional pain, sufferers from addiction often have a great need to be comforted. Simple things like a loving touch, a warm glance, or just a few kind words can make a huge difference in how our addicted loved one feels supported and loved.

It is also incredibly important to be compassionate toward yourself during your loved one’s addiction and recovery. Self-compassion asks that we treat ourselves kindly; that we validate our experience and show ourselves the same comfort we show our loved one. Here’s a link to some good emotional self-care tips: https://roberthammel.com/7-steps-to-emotional-self-care/

No Shame!

Many people who have an addicted loved one try to use shame as a tool to help their loved one “see the light” or as a tool to motivate them “to do better”.

Unfortunately, it can actually backfire in some unexpected ways! One of the most insidious parts of an addiction is the sense of often overwhelming shame that it creates.

The addict cannot pass his own survey. He is appalled by the failures from which he suffers, and shame is the appropriate, respectful, humane, first-person response to these failures. Shame begets using and more using begets more shame, and the vicious cycle is produced and maintains itself. Overcoming shame is part of overcoming addiction. Shame is also normally a crucial factor motivating the addict’s attempt to reclaim, reconstruct, and improve himself. (Flanagan, 2012)

Shaming someone makes them feel isolated and alienated from their support system. Shaming them may actually feed their emotional cycle of addiction.

Addiction, Love and Boundaries

One last thing. I am not suggesting we should totally do away with setting boundaries with our addicted loved one. Not at all, we need to set appropriate boundaries with everyone in our lives and particularly those that are acting out in negative ways that may harm us… Perhaps, though, along with setting good boundaries for our loved one, we should also try to make a place for them in our hearts… realizing that love, empathy and compassion may be more important than tough love in helping them to recovery.

Here is a great blog from my colleague Sharon Martin on setting boundaries with a loved one dealing with addiction:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2017/08/how-to-set-boundaries-with-an-alcoholic-or-addict/

If you or a loved one is suffering with addiction and you’re interested in exploring therapy for you or for them, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

References

Heyman, G. M. (2013). Addiction and Choice: Theory and New Data. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 4, 31. http://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2013.00031

Christopher Kennedy Lawford and Beverly Engel When Your Partner Has an Addiction: How Compassion Can Transform Your Relationship (and Heal You Both in the Process) 2016 https://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Partner-Has-Addiction/dp/194163186X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475599896&sr=8-1&keywords=when+your+partner+has+an+addiction

Flanagan, O. (2013). The Shame of Addiction. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 4, 120. http://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2013.00120

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