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Depression and Your Sex Life

June 22, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Depression affects people in many ways, both mentally and physically and it can have a really significant impact on your libido or sexual drive. To put it simply, when in a depression, a person is usually less likely to feel sexually aroused or even care about sexuality — let alone want to enjoy their sex life. Depression itself, the stresses of managing it, or even sometimes the side effects of antidepressants can all affect sex drive and performance.

Research in the past has found that depression can lower or paradoxically even raise the sex drive in some people. Depression can affect the ability to get aroused and have an erection in men. In women, depression can affect the ability to become aroused, make it difficult to orgasm or even affect the menstrual cycle itself.

Not surprisingly depression extinguishes libido, makes the person resistant to arousal, and may actually impair the physiological vasocongestive sexual response. Erection in the male is especially vulnerable to depression. There is some evidence to indicate that endocrine as well as psychological factors may play a role in the diminished sexuality of depressed patients (Reynaert et al 2010)

How does depression affect sex?

Overall, sexuality is most often affected in these general ways with depression:

The levels of hormones and neurotransmitters involved in depression (like serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine) may also lower the libido, decreasing your want for sex and may also decrease your actual physical sexual performance. Also when someone is depressed or anxious, the levels of the stress hormones, like cortisol, increase significantly and the body effectively goes into a fight-flight response. In the fight-flight response, the mind and body become solely concerned with basic survival matters and sexuality isn’t even an afterthought. In fact, excessive stress and cortisol may even lower the body’s level of sexual hormones; so no wonder stress has such an effect on sex!
Depression causes fatigue and an overall lack of interest in living life, and of course, sex is not an exception. Strong feelings of disinterest in the world, overwhelming fatigue and tiredness often don’t leave much room for sexuality. Secondly, people who are depressed often withdraw and isolate themselves from others — withdrawal and isolation do not fit well together with sexuality.
Depression can make also make the sufferer feel crappy about themselves and this affects self-esteem and how they “see” themselves, both physically and mentally. If someone sees themselves in this negative light, it’s hard to be vulnerable, open and literally “naked” with someone else.
The medications used to treat depression, the SSRI’s and SSNRI’s, can have side effects that can seriously affect sexual function. These side effects present themselves in two main ways. One, some people have a significantly reduced desire for sexuality and two, some people report having a side effect that involves the delay of orgasm. Some people on certain antidepressants may even lose the ability to orgasm altogether! Here’s a good article on the sexual side effects of antidepressants: Managing Antidepressant Sexual Side Effects

So, what can you do if you or a loved one is struggling with the complicated issue of sex and depression?

Access Therapy

One of the best ways to deal with all of the issues around sexuality and depression is to access therapy with a professional like a Psychologist or Clinical Social Worker. Accessing therapy can help you “work on” the depression overall and there are literally mountains of research showing that therapy works to help people with depression. Particularly, there is a lot of research showing that two types of therapy are particularly helpful for depression. From the American Psychological Association:

Two of the most common evidence-based therapies for depression are cognitive behavioural therapy and interpersonal therapy.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy in which patients learn to identify and manage negative thought and behaviour patterns that can contribute to their depression. CBT helps patients identify unhelpful or negative thinking, change inaccurate beliefs, change bbehavioursthat might make depression worse, and interact with others in more positive ways.
Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) is a form of therapy in which patients learn to improve their relationships with others by better expressing their emotions and solving problems in healthier ways. IPT helps patients resolve or adapt to troubling life events, build social skills and organize their relationships to increase support for coping with depressive symptoms and life stressors.

Therapy has been proven to be as effective, if not more effective than using antidepressant medications, and without the side effects! As well, research shows that using therapy may be more effective in the long term than using antidepressant medications.

Explore medications and other treatment options

If you are on antidepressants and you find they are working for your depression but causing sexual side effects like loss of libido or delayed ejaculation/orgasm — you may want to consult with your GP or Psychiatrist to try a different antidepressant medication that may affect you less when it comes to sexuality. If you are on antidepressant medications and they don’t seem to be helping with the depression and they are causing sexual side effects, you may want to try another option like psychotherapy or even something new like neurofeedback strategies, vagus nerve stimulation or even significantly changing your diet and exercise plans. Take the time, be honest with, and consult with your doctor and explore the other options that may be available.

And of course, never stop using an antidepressant medication without first consulting a medical professional!

Self-care

Self-care is crucial to anyone suffering from depression. Self-care first of all means being kinder to yourself and becoming aware of your needs. Self-care also means doing the things in your life that are healthy and positive. Eating well, hydrating, taking medications that are helping, going to therapy, getting plenty of fresh air and exercise are all part of caring for yourself. If you take better overall care of yourself you may actually find some relief from the depression and in turn, an increased interest in our sexuality. Here are some links to effective self-care strategies:

Work on your sexuality & relationship!

As simple as it sounds, actually taking the time and effort to work on the sexual relationship with your partner (regardless of the depression) can pay off with big returns. Sexuality can even have a positive effect in lessening depression as it creates a sense of human connection and lowers our levels of overall anxiety and stress! The warm afterglow of sex gives you an endorphin/hormone boost that can often help alleviate depressive symptoms, even if only for a short while.

To work on a sexual relationship there has to be connection and communication. Here are some ways to start to do that:

Learn to connect with your partner without the stress of sexual performance expected or involved: A good way to improve the connection with our partner is to keep physically connected to them without expectations of sex. Holding hands, hugging, kissing and cuddling are great ways to help us reconnect. We can also go for walks together, give each other massages, or maybe even cooking a meal together can be a great way to start connecting.
Communicate with your partner: Sex is really a form of communication between partners and often depression’s tendency towards isolation and solitude can really affect this ongoing communication with your partner. There has to be an effort made to connect and share your thoughts with your partner if we want our relationship to improve sexually and otherwise. Partners need to share with each other the details of their sexual needs and interests. Interestingly too, creating this increased “sense of connection” with our partner can also even help with your depression. There is a great deal of research showing that increased human connection can have a great effect in helping someone lessen their depression. As well, making an effort in the areas of communication and empathy for each other may take some of the sexual pressure off the relationship. Like any other part of a relationship, it’s truly on both partners to take the time to negotiate and accommodate the how, when, where and why of sex.
Prioritize your sexuality: Make the time for sexuality in your life, even schedule it if you have to! You may also find it helpful to have sex even if you’re not completely feeling in the mood. Of course, you shouldn’t force yourself to do anything you don’t want to, but sometimes pushing yourself a wee bit can have a great payoff. Sometimes the “hardest part” of sex is the getting started part! Often many people realize mid-sex that sex is actually way more fun than they remember.
Expectations and Compromise: Like any other part of a relationship, sexuality is about having realistic expectations and compromising. If depression is limiting your sexuality to some degree? Maybe it may be a good thing to keep an open mind and experiment a little with the kinds and types of sexuality that we have in our relationship. For instance, if in the past, sex sessions lasted hours long and were very physical in nature — maybe if there is depression involved now, it’s okay to experiment with a different kind of sexuality that may be less intense or requires less energy and intensity? One that may be shorter in length or more about connection and passion, or may include sexual different acts that make both partners content? As long as both partner’s needs are made paramount, its okay to experiment with different kinds of sex acts that take into account the effects of depression.
Seek the help of a professional: If you’ve tried some different strategies and you and your partner are still struggling with sex and depression you may want to seek the services of a psychologist, sex therapist or a couples therapist to help you navigate and improve this area of your life.

Depression doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of sexuality in a relationship. We may have to change some expectations on ourselves, our partner or in other areas like frequency or type of sex, but it doesn’t have to be the end. If both partners make an effort to be caring and empathic with each other, sexuality can continue to be a way to connect and show our partner our love for them, regardless of the depression.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

References

Christine Reynaert, Nicolas Zdanowicz, Pascale Janne & Denis Jacques DEPRESSION AND SEXUALITY Psychiatria Danubina, 2010; Vol. 22, Suppl. 1, pp 111–113 Conference paper

OVERCOMING DEPRESSION HOW PSYCHOLOGISTS HELP WITH DEPRESSIVE DISORDERS — American Psychological Association Fact Sheet 2016

DeRubeis, R. J., Siegle, G. J., & Hollon, S. D. (2008). Cognitive therapy vs. medications for depression: Treatment outcomes and neural mechanisms. Nature Reviews. Neuroscience, 9(10), 788–796. http://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2345

Leuner B, Glasper ER, Gould E (2010) Sexual Experience Promotes Adult Neurogenesis in the Hippocampus Despite an Initial Elevation in Stress Hormones. PLoS ONE 5(7): e11597. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0011597

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Depression

Why Don’t People With Depression Just Get Over It?

March 12, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 1 Comment

When we consider depression in our society, a lot of people seem to overlook that it is is really and truly an illness that is a lot more complicated than just a temporary bad feeling, it’s really an illness or disease that often requires proper and ongoing medical or psychological treatment.

If you’re someone who’s depressed, it can be incredibly disheartening and frustrating to continuously hear things like:

“Why can’t you just get over it?”

“Just cheer up already”

“Can’t you just smile more?”

“Maybe you just need to be stronger and tougher?”

“It’s just life. Learn to deal with it”

“You can choose to be happy if you really want to”

Here’s a great article on some better things to say:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culture-shrink/201507/6-things-you-can-say-support-someone-whos-depressed

Sometimes people really seem to have the view that being depressed is really just about making a bad personal choice — that people suffering from the illness, really just choose to be sad and “down”. You might feel and think things to yourself like:

“Why me?”

“Why am I the only one?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Why does only my life suck?”

“Why can’t I… just get over it?”

Why is everyone else so happy?

But for many people, when it comes to the illness of depression, it’s just very, very difficult, if not impossible, to just stop being depressed; to just paste on a happy smile and feel better.

But why can’t people with depression just “get over it?” Interesting enough, some people actually do — some people can take the bull by the horns and tackle their depression, often with the help of medication, therapy, or physical exercise. But for many people, and especially those with more severe depression, it’s really just not that easy.

So let’s look at a number of important reasons why people just don’t “get over” depression:

It’s a tangible & substantial physical illness

Depression isn’t just in the sufferers head! Make no mistake, depression is an illness, one that a person often has very little control over, just like any other illness. Nobody tells people with diabetes or cancer or broken bones to just get over it and get better already! So why should people with depression feel pressured by confused helpers to ‘just get over’ their illness? Unfortunately, misguided friends and families often do not realize that the illness is a real, substantial physical “thing”. Really, one of the best ways to help someone suffering is to first really and truly educate themselves about the disease! If people with depression feel understood and supported by their loved ones, it can often truly help their healing.

Here are some great links to educate yourself and family members about depression:

1. CMHA Depression 2. NIMH: Depression 3. themighty.com/depression/

In fact, people uneducated about mental health often think that depression is just about feeling sad or bad or about having a few negative thoughts — but for many people, depression presents as having many distinct symptoms that actually affect their physical bodies.

In fact, physical symptoms are thought to occur in about 50 to 90% of depressed patients!

The physical symptoms of depression can include:

chronic joint and limb pain
headaches and neck pain
back pain
gastrointestinal problems (diarrhoea, upset, nausea, cramps, etc.)
tiredness, exhaustion/severe fatigue
significant sleep disturbances (either too much or too little)
psychomotor activity changes (slowed speech, thinking, responding and body movements)
degrees of physical agitation and restlessness
significant appetite and weight changes

Many people ask, how can there be physical symptoms if depression is something that supposedly takes place in our brains?

The best answer is that depression is a disease that takes place in our brains, of course, with distorted thinking and strong negative emotional feelings — but it is also located in other body systems as well. Depression is really a very complicated disorder that involves physical (genetic/biological), environmental, social and psychological components. Without a doubt, it’s really much more complicated than just feeling the blues!

The reality is that it is a disease that is both mental AND physical in nature, a real and substantial medical disorder — it’s not just about feeling sad — and the existence and prevalence of the physical symptoms really prove this to be true.

Here’s a link to more information about the physical symptoms of depression: https://roberthammel.com/physical-depression/

Depression really and truly feels like it’s out of the sufferer’s control

People experiencing depression often describe it as struggling with an “unconscious” emotional process that is happening “to them” and feels largely outside of their control. Remember that depression is an especially complex disease involving a combination of biological/genetic, psychological and social factors. People with depression really feel like their symptoms are out of their control and there is very little they can do about it. Feeling desperately hopeless and helpless are truly two of the most difficult symptoms of having depression. Is it truly out of their control though? The answer is possibly and maybe. Often the hardest part of helping yourself with depression is making and attending that first therapy appointment or starting an exercise program or starting that self-help book. Although many may feel their depression is totally out of their control, many people also feel they do have some degree of control and by doing things like proper self-care and going to therapy they can actually gain some purchase over their disease. Going to therapy may not always cure the disease, but it can almost always help lessen the suffering.

For some sufferers, the symptoms can be truly debilitating

As mentioned earlier people with depression display both physical and mental/emotional symptoms. For some people with more severe depression, their particular combination of symptoms can really pack a punch!

Imagine a scenario where:

you feel extremely hopeless and helpless
you feel sad and lonely most of the day
you don’t feel that you’re good enough
you can’t sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night
you have strong out of control feelings of worry and anxiety
you have regular nausea or even diarrhoea
you have frequent headaches and lower back pain

How easy would it be to get through your workday with that long list of symptoms tormenting you? For some people, depression can be legitimately debilitating. This is the reason that insurance companies follow the medical science, recognize depression as a legitimate disorder and will allow a medical leave from work. The reality is that for many people depression is a significant life-changing experience.

You can’t just choose to make it stop

Nobody likes feeling depressed for weeks or months on end. But just because you want to feel better doesn’t mean you can just flip a switch in your brain and feel better. Depression is really an insidious and enduring illness. You can want to feel better all you want, but until the illness has run its course, or you have the energy to make an effort to explore appropriate self-help strategies; improve your self-care; or even start to work with a therapist — there is no really any fast or magical route to getting better. Maybe the most important thing, though, is to start doing the small things to take care of yourself which are then often the first steps to start feeling better. In my many years of private practice with people with depression is that those who manage their depression better are the people who can start to be even a little proactive. The people who can “dig deep” and try, even a little, are often the ones who can lessen their symptoms or even conquer their depression sooner. In fact, every time we work on managing our depression, we can help ourselves build a sense of resiliency that will help us the next time depression rears its ugly head.

You can only “pretend to be okay” so much

People always seem to expect depressed people to just paste a huge, happy smile on their face and pretend like everything is perfectly okay and peachy. They’re told you should just fake it to make it!

A great idea in theory, but when it comes to being depressed, you just can’t pretend that your strong negative emotions and feelings don’t exist. Unfortunately, the depressed mind often just keeps replaying the same negative thoughts and emotions like a repeating film reel being viewed over and over again.

In a way, the depressed brain can be seen as being “miswired” and because of this miswiring, it can get stuck in a loop of bringing up our sad and negative emotions, reminding us of our past errors/mistakes and constantly thinking about and worrying about our future. Because of this miswiring problem, you can get stuck in repeating cycles of self-loathing, fearfulness, worry and despair that can really interfere with your ability to experience your life in meaningful and fulfilling ways.

In fact, there is actually some research that has found that if a person who is depressed actively suppresses the negative thoughts, they may paradoxically make those negative thoughts even stronger and more likely to reoccur! Sometimes sufferers experience whats called rumination, where they have negative and obsessive thoughts that repeat over and over again in a loop and they can’t just push those thoughts and feelings away. If they try to push them away it can actually make them feel worse! Depression of this kind pushes out any feelings of contentment and joy in life. It’s really hard to pretend everything is fine when your miswired brain is telling you over and over and over again, in no uncertain terms, that things are the diametric opposite of okay! So really, a depressed person can’t just push away those negative thoughts, as their brain deeply believes that is their current reality!

Like any other illness, it can vary by person

Like we’ve discussed above, because the illness is just so very complicated, people often experience it in different ways and exhibit different combinations of the symptoms. Just because one certain person can go about most of their daily activities with depression, does not mean that everyone with depression can. We simply can’t judge all people as the being the same! Some people are mildly affected, while some are affected a great deal and are debilitated to the point of not being able to leave their home or even their bed!

Some people feel that depression is only just a bout with the blues — but the reality is that depression is a substantial, tangible, physical illness that can be very severe and even incapacitating for some people. Regardless of how you’re affected though, accessing therapy can probably be a great start to help you or a family member deal with whatever form your depression takes.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

References

Wenzlaff, R.M. & Luxton, D.D. The Role of Thought Suppression in Depressive Rumination Cognitive Therapy and Research (2003) 27: 293. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1023966400540

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Depression, Trauma, Uncategorized

7 Important Steps to Liking Yourself

February 20, 2018 by RBRTHMMEL376 4 Comments

So, what is self-esteem?

Here’s an interesting question we seldom ask ourselves:

Do you actually like yourself?

Take a few seconds to think about it. When asked this question, most people either don’t know how to respond or they respond with a pat, canned answer like, “Like myself? Of course, I like myself”, or they maybe even react defensively and say, “What kind of a dumb question is that?!?”

Regardless, if you ask enough people (which I have actually done in my therapy practice), you will quickly discover that people who haven’t thought about this question much, either have a high sense of natural self-esteem or they are on the opposite end of the spectrum, and they don’t seem to like themselves all that much.

Are you someone who’s truly happy in their own skin? Are you happy with your appearance, how much money you make, your education or job, your intelligence, your abilities, or the past life decisions you’ve made; or are you continually comparing yourself to other people, really wishing you could be more like them and less like yourself? Does it feel like everyone else is smarter, richer, better looking, more educated? When you look in the mirror, who do you see looking back? Do you see someone you like or someone who just doesn’t quite live up to your own high expectations?

Our own judgment of our self-worth, or in other words, our self-esteem, is largely based on how we feel about ourselves, right now at this moment and secondly, how we see and judge ourselves through looking back at our past.

What exactly is self-esteem? Self-esteem is about how we value ourselves; how we perceive our value in the world and how we perceive how valuable we think we are to others. Self-esteem affects our confidence, motivation and resilience and our ability to trust in others. It affects our relationships, our abilities and skills at work — really every part of our lives. Self-esteem gives us the inner strength and adaptability to take measured gambles in our lives and drive forward through difficult circumstances. Self-esteem gives us the super useful ability to make blunders and mistakes, yet still be able to forgive ourselves and actually grow from those mistakes into fuller, stronger more resilient people.

What about low self-esteem? Low self-esteem can be both a socially and emotionally troubling condition that keeps many people from living their lives fully or from realizing their full potential. A person with low self-esteem can feel unworthy, shameful, inadequate, and incompetent.

Often because the person with low self-esteem feels so poorly about themselves, it becomes a vicious cycle where their thoughts and feelings of low self-esteem may actually be part of what’s maintaining the person’s continued low self-esteem.

In other words, low self-esteem can become a viciously self-perpetuating habit of thinking.

So, self-esteem is actually quite crucial to us if we want to “feel good”, in fact, for many people experiencing anxiety, depression and other mental illness low self-esteem is often both a symptom and a cause.

If you’re someone who is overly critical of yourself and you feel down about who you are as a person, here are 7 ways you can start to learn to like yourself better:

1. Accomplishments, Successes and Achievements

Sometimes we focus really hard on everything that might be wrong with us, rather than on what’s right. When you’ve done something well, it’s important that you acknowledge this victory, no matter how small it is and maybe even relish it?

It doesn’t have to be something super huge, either. It could even be that you make a really delicious gourmet meal or that you’re a really good friend. It can be that you’re really making an effort to be physically fit or even that you’ve finally started reading The Complete Works of Shakespeare, or maybe even just reading your first book in a long time. Allow yourself the pleasure of enjoying every little thing you do right rather than focusing on what you do wrong. Change your perspective about yourself and really make an effort to look for all the good things about you! Look accurately at yourself and the long list of achievements you’ve already made in your life — learn how to feel good about who you are and what you’ve done.

2. Really, Who’s Perfect?

If you’ve been relentlessly comparing yourself to other people all your life, it’s time for you to stop this terrible habit and realize that no one, absolutely no one is perfect. Not the talking heads on breakfast TV, not the models you see online or on the cover of magazines, nor all the actors you see on Netflix. They all have on-call makeup artists and even plastic surgeons — not to mention the magic of photoshop and their powerful marketing teams promoting their “brand”.

Intellectually, there’s always, always, someone smarter than you. Or financially, always someone that makes more money or has a bigger house. Comparing ourselves to others is truly folly. No one is perfect, no one.

3. Looking at Values

Maybe it’s really and truly okay to just be an average person? Maybe it’s actually okay to work an average job, live in a small, rented place and drive a 5-year-old fuel-efficient Hyundai? Maybe instead of buying into the idea that we can purchase the right clothes, car, cookware, home and lifestyle that will make us “fit in” — we should maybe instead decide to pride ourselves on being a truly good person, honest, compassionate and caring? Rather than comparing ourselves to others and their bank accounts and achievements, we should instead really look to our own deepest held values? Perhaps holding the values of kindness, caring and compassion for others will actually help us build our self-esteem from the inside out!

4. Creating Successes

One of the best ways to really increase our self-esteem is to really make an effort to fight our fears and anxieties and start creating more positive accomplishments in our life. Perhaps there are many things about yourself that you would like to change. Do you want to lose weight, work out and have a better body, maybe it’s about getting a university degree, or getting a better more fulfilling job?

Oftentimes we will resent ourselves for not reaching the highly impossible goals we have set for ourselves. If there are big goals you would like to reach, try to be realistic in setting the timelines and be patient with yourself. Break the goal down into smaller parts and really celebrate any achievement no matter how small it might seem. If the goal is to lose weight, start small and start tracking and reducing what you eat. And maybe going to the gym 5 days a week is too much and we should start with 2 or 3 times instead? If we want to pursue a uni degree maybe taking the first step is to contact a counsellor at a university and really explore how to start the process and then maybe start with just the first class? It all starts with goal setting and then practising how to be more determined!

Here’s a great link on how to set goals using the SMART Goals strategy:

http://hrweb.mit.edu/performance-development/goal-setting-developmental-planning/smart-goals

5. Use Affirmations

One great way to start growing our sense of self-esteem is to use affirmations to actually “reprogram our brain” to see ourselves differently. Low self-esteem is created over a lifetime of experience and letting go of those deeply established feelings and actions is not easy. It may take some time and effort, and for some people, it may even require professional therapy. But there a simple, positive thinking technique called affirmations can often effectively be used to help improve our self-esteem.

Using affirmations is a way to stop using our negative self-trash-talk and replace it with affirmations, which are encouraging simple messages we can give ourselves every day, in effect reprogramming our brain. These positive messages will eventually become part of our feelings and beliefs. We can also use positive messages to replace the negative ones.

For example, replace the message “I made a boneheaded mistake, and I am no good at this job,” with “Okay, I made a mistake but I will learn from it, and now I do can a better job.”

You can even begin each day by looking at yourself squarely in the eye in the mirror and giving yourself an affirmation or even a series of them. We can also keep them as a list in our pocket or on your phone and if we sense we’re feeling kind of down on ourselves, we can grab them and immediately fight back against the negative self-defeating thoughts we might be having. The following simple affirmations can help you to work towards better self-esteem:

• I am likeable

• I have lots of skills and abilities

• I can be strong, confident and able when I need to

• Mistakes are just a necessary prelude to achievement

• I am competent, smart and able

• I accept myself just as I am

• Life is what it is and a lot of it is pretty darn good

• I am growing and changing for the better

• My life is about me, not other people

6. See Yesterday with a Kinder Eye

Sometimes we may not like ourselves because of our past actions and behaviours. It’s super important though to maybe cut yourself some slack about long past history. Hindsight is always 20/20 and perhaps it’s not fair to judge our past based on what we know now. In your past, you may not have always acted kindly toward others. Perhaps you acted selfishly, maybe in defensive or even hostile ways more often than you really care to admit. But this is all really part of being human — we all make mistakes with others and we may not always act in the best ways we could. But to put it bluntly? We can’t change it! The past is the past and we can only learn from it. Repeat this message to yourself when you feel bad about the past:

You did the best you could with what you had at the time!

The best thing to do is to maybe actually embrace your past, even with all of our faults and mistakes. Look at your past without judgement, with the intention of learning from your actions and behaviours. No one is perfect and we’ve all made mistakes in some way shape or form.

7. Like Most of Yourself

Is it really reasonable to expect to like all 100% of yourself, all of the time? Probably not, because, we’re all human, we’re all flawed and we’re all imperfect. Let’s say that again. We’re all human, flawed and imperfect. So really, maybe its OK to only like 75 or 80% of ourselves on any particular day? You can still live a really good and maybe even great life when you think ‘only’ 80% of you is awesome. 80% is a pretty good place to be. It also gives us some room to improve and grow. Growing and changing and adapting is really the very nature of being human. Being imperfect gives us something to shoot for!

Having a good level of self-esteem is really super important to our overall well-being. Getting there can be difficult for some people though; especially if you’ve endured having low self-esteem for a long time, maybe even all of your life. Working with a therapist can really make the journey to self-improvement less bumpy. A therapist can help by listening, clarifying and strategizing with you to help improve your self-esteem and your life.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring therapy to improve your self-esteem, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

And here’s another blog with some quick tips to reduce self-doubt https://roberthammel.com/3-ways-to-overcome-self-doubt/

Filed Under: Addiction, Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, Depression, General, Self-Esteem, Trauma

Creating an Authentic Life

May 30, 2017 by RBRTHMMEL376 2 Comments

So what is an authentic life and why is it so important to our mental health and well-being? Authenticity as a concept comes from philosophy and existential psychology/psychiatry and really has to do with how well a person is able to be true and honest to one’s own individual needs, personality, temperament, spirit/soul and/or character, despite the extraneous pressures of the outside world. The modern, outside world puts pressure on us to conform to the world rather than expecting the world to conform to us.

“Authenticity,” as a psychological concept was defined about 15 years ago by psychologists Brian Goldman and Michael Kernis, as:

“the unimpeded operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

While the Encyclopedia of Positive Psychology defines authenticity as:

“Psychological authenticity refers to emotional genuineness, self-attunement, and psychological depth. To be authentic is to live with one’s whole being in the moment, without guile or hidden agendas”

In other words, people who are authentic, live and act in ways that are true to their own sincerest core version of themselves. They “practice what they preach”.

Authenticity can help you live a fuller and happier life in a few different ways. Authentic people are usually able to lead more connected lives as their relationships with others tend to be more genuine and authentic as well. People who are authentic in living their lives also tend to be mentally healthy people because when you live a life true to yourself and your needs this leads you to be more content and comfortable in your own skin. When your view of self is congruent with how you live your life there is less room for internal conflict and this gives you the room to lead meaningful lives.

When we’re growing up, no one really tells us about the importance of living authentically. We’re told that many other things are much more important, things like always behaving properly, getting good grades, making the sports or debate team, going to the right college and then getting the right degree in the right field and then getting the right job and then starting your RSP’s. We effectively learn to make choices based on what other people and society think we should do rather than on what we think we should do, or even what’s really best for us.

Then suddenly, one day we wake up to find ourselves in unrewarding, thankless jobs and/or in unhappy, empty or unbalanced relationships. We find ourselves wondering about the lack of meaning in our lives, even though we make six figures and have all the accoutrements of a supposedly good life — like the big house, the right clothes, this seasons $1500 handbag and the new SUV or sports sedan.

At its very essence, authenticity requires us to start to explore our own self-knowledge and self-awareness. And to begin that process of discovery, it takes real courage! We have to look at ourselves honestly, looking at our life and probing at all of our past life choices. From the moment you ask yourself:

Am I living an authentic life with purpose and meaning?

Am I being true to my core self?

Am I living in accordance with my core beliefs?

Am I truly acting in authentic, genuine ways with the people around me?

Can I be myself around others or do I find myself putting on a mask?

By looking at these questions and self-exploration, you can begin a brilliant journey of discovery, self-fulfilment and maybe even end up living a more full and meaningful life.

Here are some great ways to start on that pathway to authenticity.

Developing Self-Awareness & Self-Reflectiveness

To be truly authentic you have to be self-aware. You have to thoughtfully and honestly consider who you really are at your core — and you even have to include and explore the parts of your personality you may not like quite as much. By engaging in the regular process of self-reflection and introspection you can figure out more about your true self and then discover and plan to live in a way that’s consistent with that self-identity. Great ways to become more self- aware and reflective can be through:

Going to a good therapist that can help guide you on the journey to self-discovery.
Learning strategies for quiet contemplation, meditation or even regular being in nature can all give us the time for more effective introspection.
Regular journaling can be an excellent way to discover who we truly are. Here is a blog I wrote on journaling. https://roberthammel.com/can-journaling-help-improve-life/

Kindness, Empathy and Compassion

Authentic people tend to be of “good character” and really genuinely care about other people. One of the best ways to live a truly authentic life is to learn how and why it’s so important to be kind and compassionate to others. This may mean releasing yourself and others from the insidious and destructive process of holding onto anger or sadness from the past. It may also mean releasing yourself from judging others and developing a sense of acceptance instead. Interacting with the others in your life in healthy and empathic ways can truly help us lay the groundwork to living a more meaningful and connected life for yourself.

Develop A Clear Vision and Visualize

You can look at your life and find what hasn’t worked for you in the past, but do you have a clear idea of what it is you really and truly want? Who do you want to be? How do you want to act or look? Is your job fulfilling, is your marriage a good one, are you a good parent or a good friend? If not, what career might suit you better? How can you improve your marriage or be a better parent or friend?

You have to really explore, imagine and visualize your authentic life. Have some fun dreaming about it and fashioning your “new improved self” in your mind. Visualize as many parts of it as you can and really envisage how it would look and feel if you lived there in those different ways. Developing a clear and vivid vision of where you’re going, makes it so much easier to get there, and especially if the going gets tough or you have to make some big life changes to be true to yourself.

Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde

Having an Open Mind

People who make the effort to keep an open mind are also probably better at being authentic. People who are authentic have truthful beliefs about themselves, their abilities, and their self-worth — an open mind allows you to really see yourself accurately and fairly. If you see yourself fairly and accurately, then it’s easier to start making the changes you need to examine your beliefs and values and have a happy and mentally healthy life.

Your “life” up until today, was created based on a set of beliefs and thoughts about yourself and the world that you developed and held. However, maybe you were trying to please other people, like your parents, friends, a spouse or even a boss, rather than being your authentic self. Or, perhaps others in your life were unkind to you or put you down and this has unfortunately caused you to have flawed, inaccurate views about yourself or the world around you. To be authentic you need to challenge some of these pre-existing beliefs that may be holding you back and keeping you stuck in an uncomfortable life that may not fit who you are anymore!

“Always be yourself and have faith in yourself. Do not go out and look for a successful personality and try to duplicate it.” Bruce Lee

With an open mind, you can actually begin to study your thoughts and beliefs and hold them up for a more accurate inspection. We can try to really see them for what they are. Maybe you’ve never thought you were talented enough or good enough or smart enough or attractive enough. Ask yourself why you might believe this flawed view of yourself. Did this belief truly come from you, or is it from your parents whose expectations were maybe way too high or perhaps from your sixth-grade teacher who challenged and criticized the way you saw the world or thought you were lazy? Or maybe it was from being bullied or neglected by the cool kids in high school? Regardless, the point is to really be open to the possibility that the view you take of yourself and your world might actually be flawed and inaccurate. You may be living based on assumptions about yourself that may not be true. That critical sixth-grade teacher very well may be wrong about you!

If you take some time for some thoughtful introspection and examination of your beliefs about yourself you can try to understand where they came from and decide if they are truly serving your best interests. For some, believing a flawed view of themselves can lead to a lifetime of heartache.

Find Some Help

Examining, taking apart your life, and then putting it back together again is no small feat and there may be times you feel upset, angry, sad, frustrated, confused, or even overwhelmed. While friends and family may lend a kind ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on, they can’t necessarily help give you what you need to really examine and then change your life. A therapist, on the other hand, is a great collaborator to have in exploring and providing practical tools that will help you explore your thoughts, beliefs and emotions and help you on the path to an authentic life.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” — E.E. Cummings

References

Heppner, W. L., & Kernis, M. H. (2007). “Quiet ego” functioning: The complementary roles of mindfulness, authenticity, and secure high self-esteem. Psychological Inquiry, 18(4), 248-251.

Lopez, Shane J. The Encyclopedia of Positive Psychology. Blackwell Publishing, 2009

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Depression, General, Self-Esteem