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Grace Under Fire: 7 Ways to Co-Parent Better After Divorce

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Why is being a co-parent so hard?   

So you’re divorced or divorcing, and it may be brand new and feel like your entire world is cracking up and falling apart — or you may be farther along on the divorce journey and you’re feeling a little more settled and you may already have a new home or a new job or even a new partner.  No matter where you are on the divorce ride, sometimes it can be stressful, difficult and/or even painful.

The often painful process of divorce can also bring the worst out in people.  In the worst case scenario, both ex-partners are full of anger, bitterness and regret and they may even act mean and vengeful towards each other sometimes.  There are resentments and grudges and very negative emotions towards each other.   In the divorced couples where there is a lot of negativity and resentment, there is probably a history of intense marital conflict that preceded and then maybe even caused the divorce.  Then, perhaps, a difficult, long contested divorce process may have thrown more gasoline on the conflict fire!    This ongoing and habitual conflict almost always spills over into problems and conflicts co-parenting any children involved.

Then, often, on top of the divorce conflicts and unhappiness, other issues may also pile on top too; finances may now be more difficult; maybe your child is struggling at school or socially; you may be time stretched with new responsibilities and one or both partners may be dating or even remarried and some jealousies may then be ignited that then creates even more disharmony.      There also may be big differences in parenting philosophies or styles and parenting may become another front on the divorce battleground.

Regardless, trying to co-parent isn’t easy at the best of times and it’s even harder when there are conflicts, resentments and jealousies.   But it’s not impossible.  So here are some great strategies to try to start better co-parenting with your ex-partner.

1. Setting Priorities 

Take a good hard look at what you want to happen in your situation.  Chances are you want to do the absolute best for your child.  Some people by constantly arguing about rules, bedtimes or drop off times or about splitting the cost of the extra sports fees with their ex,  may actually feel like they are acting as a champion for their child. By arguing with your ex about what you feel is the best bedtime or even berating them for being late for a pickup — you may feel you are really doing what’s best for your child and feel like you’re sticking up for your child’s right.

But is that really true?  Instead, those parents are probably actually harming their children to some degree by exposing them to regular negativity and conflict, often about things that really aren’t important.    Keep the focus on what’s best for your children, and what you can do to work toward providing the best and most calm life you can for them.  Providing them with a loving, stable, and conflict-free environment is what they need to thrive!  If you expose them to high levels of ongoing conflict, arguing and negativity you can actually make them more susceptible to problems with their emotional and mental health!

2. To Co-Parent Well is to Communicate Well

Because going through a divorce can be such an emotional and taxing process, your communication patterns with your ex-partner will likely suffer to some degree.  It may be really emotionally difficult to communicate with them and you may not want to talk to, or even hear from your ex, even on your best days.  However, it’s super important that communication regarding the children is maintained in the best ways possible.  Ignoring their (appropriate) texts and phone calls may feel good in the moment, but it really just makes thing more difficult for everyone in the long run.   Communicating well with your co-parent also assures that your children are not being used as messengers:

e.g. “Tell your mother you have a soccer practice on Friday”    “Tell your dad the child support is due!” 

Using your children as messengers is a really unhealthy habit to get into — it puts them in a role they shouldn’t be in, can affect them emotionally and cause them a lot of stress!    Instead, try to communicate directly with your co-parent, maybe even finding creative ways to communicate to avoid conflict if necessary.   Maybe experimenting with texting or email, or even snail mail letters may help if telephone calls are too much.    Also, remember, that sometimes texting can be a really terrible way to communicate as it really doesn’t convey emotion well and there is always an expectation for a fast response.   And maybe most importantly text fighting is really unproductive and no fun at all for anyone.     If conflict levels are high, maybe using email in a “business-like” way might help? Try to treat your co-parent like you would a co-worker or a work client that you don’t necessarily like.

3. Communication: Just the Facts Jack

When communicating with your ex, remember that if you’re harbouring bitterness or resentments and there are suitcases of unfinished emotional business with your ex — there will often be a strong desire to express your own emotional needs when you communicate with them.  Make a commitment to yourself, maybe even in conjunction with your ex-partner that for the sake of your children’s well-being, you’ll keep conversations focused on the issues around your children and not the divorce itself.  Often to be a good parent you need focus on their needs and not your own!

4. Stop Being Rigid! 

In my private practice working with many people going through divorces or custody issues — an area that often makes co-parenting difficult is if one or both partners are too rigid and set in their view of how the situation should unfold. There must be a rigid bedtime for both households, or the pickup or exchange time must be set in stone or the custody agreement must be followed to the letter,  even when a wee bit of flexibility might be better for all involved.     Really?  It’s probably better to learn how to “go with the flow” sometimes.

Being flexible actually reduces defensiveness in the co-parent relationship and overall that reduces conflict levels!  Learning how to compromise and cooperate with your co-parent will not only benefit both of you in building a more functional co-parent relationship, but it will also model the kind of positive behaviours to your children that will help them throughout their own lives!  Be flexible and make a true effort to avoid any and all conflict about the small stuff that will inevitably come up — only stick to your guns if something is truly important.  And note: very, very little is actually that important!

 5. Attitudes & Perceptions

One of the best ways to improve co-parenting is to slow down, take a deep, deep breath and really try to stop seeing your ex as the villain in this particular story.  Even though they may have cheated or left suddenly or even both; or they were greedy in the settlement or they may have acted in other really selfish or callous ways — the fact is — you still need to deal with them on a regular basis in the best way you can for the sake of your children.

At the very least you need to be civil towards them since that is truly in the best interest of your kids!  You don’t even have to like them — you just have to be civil and get along with them without any game playing or unneeded negativity.   It’s about making the effort to end or avoid the seemingly endless and useless conflicts about whose house has the child’s new package of underwear or who has to pay the extra $20 uniform deposit at school.

One way to start to change your attitude towards your ex is to really try to see your ex in a more positive way — and if you can’t possibly see your way to positive — maybe shoot for just seeing them in a less emotional and neutral way.   Even if just thinking about them makes you feel an excess of negative emotions  — with time you can actually learn how to step away from that negativity to a more neutral place.   One way to do this is to genuinely see your ex as a flawed and imperfect human being.   And since they are a flawed and imperfect human, maybe even cut them a little slack sometimes?  Maybe if both co-parents made a bit of individual effort to have some empathy, respect and kindness towards each other, co-parenting might be actually easier and your children might flourish!

Really make the effort to step away from your own grudges, bitterness and anger.  Why should you let all the negative emotion and poison you hold towards your ex may you feel so crappy, months and even years after the actual divorce?  Why let them take up that negative space in your mind or affect your emotions to such a great degree?  The answer is you don’t need to, in fact, people who hold bitterness and grudges often greatly affect their own emotional well being and even their physical health.  So make an effort to put those resentful and even hostile grudges to rest.  If you really struggle in this area it may be helpful to see a therapist who may be able to help you unpack all of that negative emotional baggage you’re holding on too.

6. Don’t Expose the Kids to the Conflict 

Any kinds of bickering and fighting in front of your children can have a very negative and long-term impact on your children.  They should not be bystanders to any arguments, criticisms or other negative behaviours.   Children are like sponges and without a doubt they will see and learn these behaviours themselves.  Also, being witness to constant conflict may make them feel that their world isn’t a safe place to be, and will cause them lots of stress which may predispose them to mental and physical health issues!

Here are some proven methods to help keep your children out of the crossfire:

  • Never speak poorly of your ex-spouse in front of the kids.  Never, ever, ever
  • Don’t let or encourage your kids to take sides in the conflicts — they don’t belong in the middle!
  • Provide a safe non-judgemental place for them to express their emotions
  • Don’t include kids in what are adult issues and decisions

7. Self Care 

Maintaining your physical and emotional health is important not only for you but also for your children as well. Having a healthy, happy, rested parent will help them adjust to all of the challenges of the divorce situation.  Your children are very dependent on you, and you really owe it to them to give them your absolute best as a parent — and that means being physically and emotionally healthy.   As well, taking time to care for yourself will also help you take the negative focus off of your divorce, and shift the focus back on to you moving forward, (where it should be) and on making positive changes in your life.

Maybe it’s yoga, or deep breathing, or mindfulness meditation, or physical exercise or even just getting a few good nights sleep — by taking care of yourself you can deal better with all of the challenges of life and co-parenting.

Here are some more good self-care tips to try: 7-steps-to-emotional-self-care

Although your ex is no longer your life-partner, you and they are still connected on some level, and will always be co-parents of the children that you have together.  Learning to get along better, communicating better and making the effort to do so will bring comfort to your children as they learn to cope with the divorce.   As you go through the journey of divorce, you often mourn the relationship you’ve lost, and also the dreams you had of the future.  It can be very stressful and upsetting for all involved.   If you’re really struggling with all of the emotions and stresses of co-parenting and/or a divorce contacting a professional for counselling may be helpful.

 

 

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Divorce, Family Therapy, Relationships

Why Don’t People With Depression Just Get Over It?

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When we consider depression in our society, a lot of people seem to overlook that it is is really and truly an illness that is a lot more complicated than just a temporary bad feeling, it’s really an illness or disease that often requires proper and ongoing medical or psychological treatment.

If you’re someone who’s depressed, it can be incredibly disheartening and frustrating to continuously hear things like:

“Why can’t you just get over it?”

  “Just cheer up already”

“Can’t you just smile more?”

“Maybe you just need to be stronger and tougher?”

“It’s just life.  Learn to deal with it”

“You can choose to be happy if you really want to”

Here’s a great article on some better things to say:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culture-shrink/201507/6-things-you-can-say-support-someone-whos-depressed

Sometimes people really seem to have the view that being depressed is really just about making a bad personal choice — that people suffering from the illness, really just choose to be sad and “down”.   You might feel and think things to yourself like:

“Why me?”

“Why am I the only one?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Why does only my life suck?” 

“Why can’t I… just get over it?”

Why is everyone else so happy? 

But for many people, when it comes to the illness of depression, it’s just very, very difficult, if not impossible, to just stop being depressed; to just paste on a happy smile and feel better.

But why can’t people with depression just “get over it?”   Interesting enough, some people actually do — some people can take the bull by the horns and tackle their depression, often with the help of medication, therapy, or physical exercise.   But for many people, and especially those with more severe depression, it’s really just not that easy.

So let’s look at a number of important reasons why people just don’t “get over” depression:

 It’s a tangible & substantial physical illness  

Depression isn’t just in the sufferers head!   Make no mistake, depression is an illness, one that a person often has very little control over, just like any other illness. Nobody tells people with diabetes or cancer or broken bones to just get over it and get better already!   So why should people with depression feel pressured by confused helpers to ‘just get over’ their illness?  Unfortunately, misguided friends and families often do not realize that the illness is a real, substantial physical “thing”.   Really,  one of the best ways to help someone suffering is to first really and truly educate themselves about the disease!  If people with depression feel understood and supported by their loved ones, it can often truly help their healing.

Here are some great links to educate yourself and family members about depression:

1. CMHA Depression     2. NIMH: Depression      3. themighty.com/depression/

In fact, people uneducated about mental health often think that depression is just about feeling sad or bad or about having a few negative thoughts — but for many people, depression presents as having many distinct symptoms that actually affect their physical bodies.

In fact, physical symptoms are thought to occur in about 50 to 90% of depressed patients!

The physical symptoms of depression can include:

  • chronic joint and limb pain
  • headaches and neck pain
  • back pain
  • gastrointestinal problems (diarrhoea, upset, nausea, cramps, etc.)
  • tiredness, exhaustion/severe fatigue
  • significant sleep disturbances (either too much or too little)
  • psychomotor activity changes (slowed speech, thinking, responding and body movements)
  • degrees of physical agitation and restlessness
  • significant appetite and weight changes

Many people ask, how can there be physical symptoms if depression is something that supposedly takes place in our brains?

The best answer is that depression is a disease that takes place in our brains, of course, with distorted thinking and strong negative emotional feelings — but it is also located in other body systems as well.   Depression is really a very complicated disorder that involves physical (genetic/biological), environmental, social and psychological components.   Without a doubt, it’s really much more complicated than just feeling the blues!

The reality is that it is a disease that is both mental AND physical in nature, a real and substantial medical disorder — it’s not just about feeling sad — and the existence and prevalence of the physical symptoms really prove this to be true.

Here’s a link to more information about the physical symptoms of depression: https://roberthammel.com/physical-depression/

Depression really and truly feels like it’s out of the sufferer’s control

People experiencing depression often describe it as struggling with an “unconscious” emotional process that is happening “to them” and feels largely outside of their control.  Remember that depression is an especially complex disease involving a combination of biological/genetic, psychological and social factors.   People with depression really feel like their symptoms are out of their control and there is very little they can do about it.  Feeling desperately hopeless and helpless are truly two of the most difficult symptoms of having depression.   Is it truly out of their control though?  The answer is possibly and maybe.   Often the hardest part of helping yourself with depression is making and attending that first therapy appointment or starting an exercise program or starting that self-help book.       Although many may feel their depression is totally out of their control, many people also feel they do have some degree of control and by doing things like proper self-care and going to therapy they can actually gain some purchase over their disease.  Going to therapy may not always cure the disease, but it can almost always help lessen the suffering.

For some sufferers, the symptoms can be truly debilitating

As mentioned earlier people with depression display both physical and mental/emotional symptoms.  For some people with more severe depression, their particular combination of symptoms can really pack a punch!   

Imagine a scenario where:

  • you feel extremely hopeless and helpless
  • you feel sad and lonely most of the day
  • you don’t feel that you’re good enough
  • you can’t sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night
  • you have strong out of control feelings of worry and anxiety
  • you have regular nausea or even diarrhoea
  • you have frequent headaches and lower back pain

How easy would it be to get through your workday with that long list of symptoms  tormenting you?   For some people, depression can be legitimately debilitating.   This is the reason that insurance companies follow the medical science, recognize depression as a legitimate disorder and will allow a medical leave from work.  The reality is that for many people depression is a significant life-changing experience.

You can’t just choose to make it stop 

Nobody likes feeling depressed for weeks or months on end.  But just because you want to feel better doesn’t mean you can just flip a switch in your brain and feel better. Depression is really an insidious and enduring illness.    You can want to feel better all you want, but until the illness has run its course, or you have the energy to make an effort to explore appropriate self-help strategies; improve your self-care; or even start to work with a therapist — there is no really any fast or magical route to getting better.    Maybe the most important thing,  though, is to start doing the small things to take care of yourself which are then often the first steps to start feeling better.  In my many years of private practice with people with depression is that those who manage their depression better are the people who can start to be even a little proactive.  The people who can “dig deep” and try, even a little, are often the ones who can lessen their symptoms or even conquer their depression sooner.   In fact, every time we work on managing our depression, we can help ourselves build a sense of resiliency that will help us the next time depression rears its ugly head.

 You can only “pretend to be okay” so much

People always seem to expect depressed people to just paste a huge, happy smile on their face and pretend like everything is perfectly okay and peachy.  They’re told you should just fake it to make it!

A great idea in theory, but when it comes to being depressed, you just can’t pretend that your strong negative emotions and feelings don’t exist.  Unfortunately, the depressed mind often just keeps replaying the same negative thoughts and emotions like a repeating film reel being viewed over and over again.

In a way, the depressed brain can be seen as being “miswired” and because of this miswiring, it can get stuck in a loop of bringing up our sad and negative emotions, reminding us of our past errors/mistakes and constantly thinking about and worrying about our future. Because of this miswiring problem, you can get stuck in repeating cycles of self-loathing, fearfulness, worry and despair that can really interfere with your ability to experience your life in meaningful and fulfilling ways.

In fact, there is actually some research that has found that if a person who is depressed actively suppresses the negative thoughts, they may paradoxically make those negative thoughts even stronger and more likely to reoccur!  Sometimes sufferers experience whats called rumination, where they have negative and obsessive thoughts that repeat over and over again in a loop and they can’t just push those thoughts and feelings away.    If they try to push them away it can actually make them feel worse!  Depression of this kind pushes out any feelings of contentment and joy in life.   It’s really hard to pretend everything is fine when your miswired brain is telling you over and over and over again, in no uncertain terms, that things are the diametric opposite of okay!  So really, a depressed person can’t just push away those negative thoughts, as their brain deeply believes that is their current reality!

 Like any other illness, it can vary by person

Like we’ve discussed above, because the illness is just so very complicated, people often experience it in different ways and exhibit different combinations of the symptoms. Just because one certain person can go about most of their daily activities with depression, does not mean that everyone with depression can.    We simply can’t judge all people as the being the same!  Some people are mildly affected, while some are affected a great deal and are debilitated to the point of not being able to leave their home or even their bed!

Some people feel that depression is only just a bout with the blues — but the reality is that depression is a substantial, tangible, physical illness that can be very severe and even incapacitating for some people.   Regardless of how you’re affected though, accessing therapy can probably be a great start to help you or a family member deal with whatever form your depression takes.

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

 

References

Wenzlaff, R.M. & Luxton, D.D.    The Role of Thought Suppression in Depressive Rumination   Cognitive Therapy and Research (2003) 27: 293. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1023966400540

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Depression, Trauma, Uncategorized

Reluctance to Launch — How To Stop Enabling Your Adult Child

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Does your adult child have a reluctance or even failure to launch?   According to US census data, more than half of the young people between 18 to 24 years old still live at home with their parents, and almost 15% of adults in the 24 to 35 age group still do as well.  In Canada, according to Stats Can. more than one in three (34.7%) young adults aged 20 to 34 were living with at least one parent in 2016, a number that has been increasing since 2001.

There are many reasons these young people are still living at home — they may be trying to save money to go to university, pay off student loans, to mortgage a house, or for many other understandable reasons.  They may have returned home after a “failed” relationship or a divorce, leaving or graduating college, losing a job or an apartment, or for umpteen other reasons.

However, some are adult children who for whatever reason have experienced a reluctance or even failure to launch and remain quite dependent on their parents to meet their basic needs.  They seem unmotivated or even fearful to make the jump to live life on their own.  These young adult children that just won’t leave home can become quite financially and emotionally exhausting for their parents!  Is this situation happening in your home?   Do you have an adult child experiencing a reluctance or failure to launch?

Here are some warning signs that you may have adult children who might just be overly dependent on you.

1. You Are Carrying Them Financially 

If you find yourself carrying your adult child’s financial responsibilities, and there are no extenuating circumstances like illness, mental health issues or a run of bad luck etc…   If you are paying all of their bills and they are perfectly happy to let you carry their load… you may want to reevaluate your situation.   If your child is non-contributing while you have to work longer hours, have to consider putting off retirement, or even take on a second job to support them.  If you have to help them pay off their debts or pay their car payments, it may be time to reevaluate and have a serious, sit down talk with them.

2. They Do Not Seem to be Motivated to Change the Situation

This is where you really have to be honest with yourself, and with them.  You have to take off your parental filters and curb your tendency to only see the good in your children. You really need to evaluate your child with the “eyes of a third person”.    Are they really and truly making an effort to study, work or find a job?  Are they making an effort to find a way to support themselves and be contributing members of your household and society?  Are they really working towards independence?   Are they somewhat motivated, or do they sleep every day until noon?   Are they actually contributing to the household?  Even if they’re not contributing financially, are they at the very least helping out significantly with chores or other tasks around the home?  Has it been a problem for only a few months, or has it been a year or two?

3. They Are Continually Asking For Money

It may be perfectly fine to help out your adult child financially every once in a while, with their purchase of a necessary big ticket item like a house downpayment or with their tuition or books.   But if your son or daughter is constantly borrowing money from you because they can’t seem to budget properly or even hold down a regular job.  If they constantly promise to pay you back but never do, this is really a big red flag.   Be honest with yourself, are you being taken advantage of?

4. Conflict and Disrespect 

It’s natural for young people who are striving to find their own new place in the big wide world to be cranky and moody sometimes.  But there is a fine line between an occasional bad mood and blatant disrespect sent in your direction.

Does your son or daughter seem polite, appreciative and even loving when they want or need help from you or do they possibly become disrespectful or even nasty when you say “no” to their demands?  This kind of behaviour is often a warning sign that your child may be too dependent and some negative patterns may have formed.

Does it feel like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off or starting another conflict?  Have you set boundaries that they keep overstepping?   Again, more warning signs that the relationship with your child is probably an unhappy place to be.

What Now?  Helping Them Launch  

Is your relationship with your still at home adult child sending up some of these red flags?   As a parent what do you do then?  We want to really take a good look at the scenario and try to do what’s best for ourselves and what’s best for our child.  Sometimes to do that, we may need to make some hard decisions that may even increase the conflicts short-term and maybe even cause some temporary pain for both of you.

As parents of an adult child, we’re actually entitled to take our own feelings and needs into account sometimes, especially when we feel that we may be being taken advantage of.   Might it be okay to put our own needs first sometimes?  We probably would with the other adults in our lives, so maybe its okay to do the same with our adult children?  What do you really need to do maintain your sanity and your savings account?

Frequently a parents job is to guide and help your child figure out their own way.  Part of discovering “their own way” is that sometimes they may actually need to feel the natural consequences of their own behaviours.   This is often the very best way for them to learn the skills, strength and resiliency that is fundamental to their living a successful and independent life.

Parents who always step in to rescue their children from “normal” life consequences may be creating a negative pattern that then perpetuates a cycle in which the child then needs continuous rescuing.  If we rescue them they don’t learn to master their own set of skills and behaviours to manage their own environment in a successful way.

Adult children don’t just develop independence and resiliency simply because they are of a certain age.   Sometimes a parents toughest task may be actually cutting the apron strings — gently or even forcefully pushing our child from the nest, not because we’re mean-spirited, but because it may be the best thing for our child and ourselves in the long run!  Some “stuck” adult children may need to be pushed out of the nest to encourage them to experience and learn the life skills they need!

Seeking out a therapist at this time may be very helpful in assisting parents who are trying to balance the best decision for themselves and for their child.

How To Support Their Independence 

It’s helpful if you can step above the conflict and often adversarial nature of the parent and adult-child relationship and really try to take an encouraging and supportive role with your child.  We want to really strive to help them to become confident, resilient and independent. It’s also helpful if you can remain positive and patient, making an effort to be non-adversarial when interacting with them. Like parenting children of any age, staying calm, being assertive and firm and setting healthy boundaries is what needs to happen to really support their growth to independence.

1. Have them contribute in some way

Having no financial responsibilities sounds great, doesn’t it?   Take a deep breath, clear your head and really evaluate your current situation.   Will totally or even partially supporting them help your adult child prepare for the sometimes harsh financial realities of the outside world?

A good place to start is to ask them to commit to contributing to the monthly household budget/expenses. If they are currently unemployed, along with making a concerted effort to find work, ask them to contribute through chores like housecleaning, grocery shopping or any other chores that will truly help you out.   The goal here is to really help them see that when you’re an adult — there truly is no free lunch.   We want to help them start developing new habits,  attitudes and a sense of responsibility to themselves and others.   This sense of responsibility will then be the cornerstone that will help them become independent and even thrive on their own.

2. Don’t give them money! 

The reality is, very few of us can afford to support an adult child forever and we need to let them know this in an honest and clear communication.  You cannot continue to endlessly give your adult child money without any expectations of payback.  One of the first things to do is set a deadline and to stop any “allowance”  or “loans” that they receive from you.  If you’re already supporting them, and paying for their food and shelter?  Maybe paying for these basic needs is meeting your parental obligations and they don’t need an allowance on top of that too?   It’s not your role to pay for their expensive clothes, car payments, their outings with friends or entertainment, or even their vacations.  Or, if they do have a job and spend all of their income on themselves without helping out with the household finances/budget, perhaps its more than past time to address that situation?  A healthy young adult should be responsible for supporting themselves!

3. Responsibilities and expectations 

Again we need to sit down with our adult child and discuss, without any fuzziness, a set of clear expectations and responsibilities that will help the child work towards their independence — natural consequences should be allowed to happen if they cannot make the effort to live up to these agreed upon expectations.   Each situation will be different but the important part is that we need to be clear and concise with them — what are the clear expectations and their responsibilities needed for them to live with us?  What does it look like, what do we expect from them?  Under what conditions?  What will we not put up with?   What are their obligations and responsibilities financially?   For how long can they stay?

4. Accessing therapy

Accessing individual therapy for the reluctant to launch adult child may be of great benefit in helping them explore and conquer their fears, doubts, and anxiety about beginning adulthood and becoming independent.  Therapy will help them accept and effectively cope with the truths and challenges of being on their own for the first time.  Therapy can also help them to develop a good plan of action and also build the strength and motivation needed to successfully reach for self-sufficiency.    

I know in my private practice as a psychologist, I have helped a number of young people successfully cope with the fears, stresses and challenges of developing independence.    The goal of therapy is to help them “individuate” from their family and become their own person.  Therapy can help them with developing maturity, a sense of responsibility and self-confidence.   It can also support their development of a strong individual “self” and create a healthy separation from their family of origin.

5. Set hard deadlines if you need to

Having a heartfelt talk with your son or daughter about these issues can be difficult.   But maybe you need to bite the bullet and have that really hard discussion that you know you need to have — it may even be necessary to be a little tough and push them to find their independence.   If they’ve been home for a while and there is a lot of pain and conflict?   Pushing them towards independence might even salvage your relationship with them rather than allowing further harms to it.

Discuss a timeline and an “exit plan” with them.   For instance, for now, they may stay and you’ll provide a roof and groceries but only for an agreed upon amount of time.  Negotiate a date where the expectation is they have found a job or other way to support themselves, have saved for a damage deposit etc, and found their own place to live, whether an apartment, roommate situation or whatever suits them.   But the point is you’ve set a firm limit and you’re willing to follow through for yours and their best interest. This not to say we shouldn’t have empathy for our child and since you’re the parent you’re certainly allowed to be as tough or as lenient as you see fit.   But really try to look at the situation clearly and really ask yourself, what is truly the best thing for you and your adult child in the long term?  Sometimes the best decisions can be the hardest ones.

If you’re dealing with this situation with your adult child, good luck in working through it and finding a positive resolution!   No family is perfect.   Keep in mind that this is really a common problem of life for many families and you’ll get through it as best you can!

Filed Under: Family Therapy, General, Parenting, Relationships, Teens/Children

7 Important Steps to Liking Yourself

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So, what is self-esteem?

Here’s an interesting question we seldom ask ourselves:

Do you actually like yourself?

Take a few seconds to think about it.   When asked this question, most people either don’t know how to respond or they respond with a pat, canned answer like,  “Like myself?  Of course, I like myself”,  or they maybe even react defensively and say,   “What kind of a dumb question is that?!?”

Regardless, if you ask enough people (which I have actually done in my therapy practice), you will quickly discover that people who haven’t thought about this question much, either have a high sense of natural self-esteem or they are on the opposite end of the spectrum, and they don’t seem to like themselves all that much.

Are you someone who’s truly happy in their own skin? Are you happy with your appearance, how much money you make, your education or job, your intelligence, your abilities, or the past life decisions you’ve made; or are you continually comparing yourself to other people, really wishing you could be more like them and less like yourself?  Does it feel like everyone else is smarter, richer, better looking, more educated?   When you look in the mirror, who do you see looking back?   Do you see someone you like or someone who just doesn’t quite live up to your own high expectations?

Our own judgment of our self-worth, or in other words, our self-esteem, is largely based on how we feel about ourselves, right now at this moment and secondly, how we see and judge ourselves through looking back at our past.

What exactly is self-esteem? Self-esteem is about how we value ourselves; how we perceive our value in the world and how we perceive how valuable we think we are to others.  Self-esteem affects our confidence, motivation and resilience and our ability to trust in others.  It affects our relationships, our abilities and skills at work — really every part of our lives. Self-esteem gives us the inner strength and adaptability to take measured gambles in our lives and drive forward through difficult circumstances.   Self-esteem gives us the super useful ability to make blunders and mistakes, yet still be able to forgive ourselves and actually grow from those mistakes into fuller, stronger more resilient people.

What about low self-esteem?   Low self-esteem can be both a socially and emotionally troubling condition that keeps many people from living their lives fully or from realizing their full potential. A person with low self-esteem can feel unworthy, shameful, inadequate, and incompetent.

Often because the person with low self-esteem feels so poorly about themselves, it becomes a vicious cycle where their thoughts and feelings of low self-esteem may actually be part of what’s maintaining the person’s continued low self-esteem.

In other words, low self-esteem can become a viciously self-perpetuating habit of thinking.

So, self-esteem is actually quite crucial to us if we want to “feel good”, in fact, for many people experiencing anxiety, depression and other mental illness low self-esteem is often both a symptom and a cause.

If you’re someone who is overly critical of yourself and you feel down about who you are as a person, here are 7 ways you can start to learn to like yourself better:

1. Accomplishments, Successes and Achievements

Sometimes we focus really hard on everything that might be wrong with us, rather than on what’s right.  When you’ve done something well, it’s important that you acknowledge this victory, no matter how small it is and maybe even relish it?

It doesn’t have to be something super huge, either. It could even be that you make a really delicious gourmet meal or that you’re a really good friend.  It can be that you’re really making an effort to be physically fit or even that you’ve finally started reading The Complete Works of Shakespeare, or maybe even just reading your first book in a long time.   Allow yourself the pleasure of enjoying every little thing you do right rather than focusing on what you do wrong.  Change your perspective about yourself and really make an effort to look for all the good things about you!  Look accurately at yourself and the long list of achievements you’ve already made in your life — learn how to feel good about who you are and what you’ve done.

2. Really, Who’s Perfect? 

If you’ve been relentlessly comparing yourself to other people all your life, it’s time for you to stop this terrible habit and realize that no one, absolutely no one is perfect.  Not the talking heads on breakfast TV, not the models you see online or on the cover of magazines, nor all the actors you see on Netflix.  They all have on-call makeup artists and even plastic surgeons — not to mention the magic of photoshop and their powerful marketing teams promoting their “brand”.

Intellectually, there’s always, always, someone smarter than you. Or financially, always someone that makes more money or has a bigger house.  Comparing ourselves to others is truly folly.   No one is perfect, no one.

3. Looking at Values

Maybe it’s really and truly okay to just be an average person?   Maybe it’s actually okay to work an average job, live in a small, rented place and drive a 5-year-old fuel-efficient Hyundai?    Maybe instead of buying into the idea that we can purchase the right clothes, car, cookware, home and lifestyle that will make us “fit in”  — we should maybe instead decide to pride ourselves on being a truly good person, honest, compassionate and caring?   Rather than comparing ourselves to others and their bank accounts and achievements, we should instead really look to our own deepest held values?   Perhaps holding the values of kindness, caring and compassion for others will actually help us build our self-esteem from the inside out!        

4. Creating Successes  

One of the best ways to really increase our self-esteem is to really make an effort to fight our fears and anxieties and start creating more positive accomplishments in our life.  Perhaps there are many things about yourself that you would like to change. Do you want to lose weight, work out and have a better body, maybe it’s about getting a university degree, or getting a better more fulfilling job?

Oftentimes we will resent ourselves for not reaching the highly impossible goals we have set for ourselves. If there are big goals you would like to reach, try to be realistic in setting the timelines and be patient with yourself.  Break the goal down into smaller parts and really celebrate any achievement no matter how small it might seem.   If the goal is to lose weight, start small and start tracking and reducing what you eat.  And maybe going to the gym 5 days a week is too much and we should start with 2 or 3 times instead?   If we want to pursue a uni degree maybe taking the first step is to contact a counsellor at a university and really explore how to start the process and then maybe start with just the first class?  It all starts with goal setting and then practising how to be more determined!

Here’s a great link on how to set goals using the SMART Goals strategy:

http://hrweb.mit.edu/performance-development/goal-setting-developmental-planning/smart-goals

5. Use Affirmations

One great way to start growing our sense of self-esteem is to use affirmations to actually “reprogram our brain” to see ourselves differently.  Low self-esteem is created over a lifetime of experience and letting go of those deeply established feelings and actions is not easy. It may take some time and effort, and for some people, it may even require professional therapy.  But there a simple, positive thinking technique called affirmations can often effectively be used to help improve our self-esteem.

Using affirmations is a way to stop using our negative self-trash-talk and replace it with affirmations, which are encouraging simple messages we can give ourselves every day, in effect reprogramming our brain.  These positive messages will eventually become part of our feelings and beliefs.  We can also use positive messages to replace the negative ones.

For example, replace the message “I made a boneheaded mistake, and I am no good at this job,” with “Okay, I made a mistake but I will learn from it, and now I do can a better job.”

You can even begin each day by looking at yourself squarely in the eye in the mirror and giving yourself an affirmation or even a series of them.  We can also keep them as a list in our pocket or on your phone and if we sense we’re feeling kind of down on ourselves, we can grab them and immediately fight back against the negative self-defeating thoughts we might be having.  The following simple affirmations can help you to work towards better self-esteem:

• I am likeable

• I have lots of skills and abilities

• I can be strong, confident and able when I need to

• Mistakes are just a necessary prelude to achievement

• I am competent, smart and able

• I accept myself just as I am

• Life is what it is and a lot of it is pretty darn good

• I am growing and changing for the better

• My life is about me, not other people

6. See Yesterday with a Kinder Eye

Sometimes we may not like ourselves because of our past actions and behaviours. It’s super important though to maybe cut yourself some slack about long past history.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and perhaps it’s not fair to judge our past based on what we know now.    In your past, you may not have always acted kindly toward others.  Perhaps you acted selfishly, maybe in defensive or even hostile ways more often than you really care to admit.  But this is all really part of being human — we all make mistakes with others and we may not always act in the best ways we could.   But to put it bluntly?   We can’t change it!  The past is the past and we can only learn from it.   Repeat this message to yourself when you feel bad about the past:

You did the best you could with what you had at the time!

The best thing to do is to maybe actually embrace your past, even with all of our faults and mistakes.    Look at your past without judgement, with the intention of learning from your actions and behaviours.   No one is perfect and we’ve all made mistakes in some way shape or form.

7. Like Most of Yourself

Is it really reasonable to expect to like all 100% of yourself, all of the time?   Probably not, because, we’re all human, we’re all flawed and we’re all imperfect. Let’s say that again.  We’re all human, flawed and imperfect.  So really, maybe its OK to only like 75 or  80% of ourselves on any particular day?    You can still live a really good and maybe even great life when you think ‘only’ 80% of you is awesome.  80% is a pretty good place to be.  It also gives us some room to improve and grow. Growing and changing and adapting is really the very nature of being human.  Being imperfect gives us something to shoot for!

 

Having a good level of self-esteem is really super important to our overall well-being.  Getting there can be difficult for some people though; especially if you’ve endured having low self-esteem for a long time, maybe even all of your life.  Working with a therapist can really make the journey to self-improvement less bumpy. A therapist can help by listening, clarifying and strategizing with you to help improve your self-esteem and your life.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring therapy to improve your self-esteem, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

And here’s another blog with some quick tips to reduce self-doubt https://roberthammel.com/3-ways-to-overcome-self-doubt/

Filed Under: Addiction, Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, Depression, General, Self-Esteem, Trauma

Start the Healing After an Emotional Trauma

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We are never really prepared when something bad happens in our life.   Really, most of us go through our lives in a kind of denial — believing that disasters, tragedies and misfortune really only happen to other people.   Car crashes, physical and sexual assaults of all types and degrees, witnessing violence firsthand, are all obvious things that our society sees as a “trauma”.

But us humans can also be significantly emotionally affected by other kinds of negative things too, ones that we may not think of as trauma.   A difficult long-term relationship ending, being verbally or emotionally abused or bullied, high levels of conflict with a spouse or child, losing a job or even a career, failing at or being “kicked out” of a school or college, becoming very physically ill or discovering that you have a chronic illness, or even being separated from or losing a loved one to death can all be seen as forms of trauma.  When people do experience an emotionally overloading, distressing event it can affect them in many deep, emotional and even physical ways.

Initially, the trauma, regardless of the type, may cause the person to feel strong emotions of all kinds including fear, anxiety, sadness, or a sense of helplessness or weakness — or combinations of these strong emotions.   Trauma results from experiencing an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds a person’s emotional ability to cope.  What seriously affects one person may be water off a duck’s back to another.   So really, it’s important not to judge others reaction to a traumatic event, as we really don’t know what its like to live in their skin.

Some people (probably many), experience what’s known as “Psychological Shock” or what doctors would call an “Acute Stress Reaction” after a trauma happens.

Psychological Shock/Acute Stress Reaction can emerge anywhere from immediately after, up to a month after the traumatic event happens. People will often feel high levels of anxiety and/or depression/sadness, and sometimes what are called “dissociative symptoms”, which is feeling very “numb” or “empty” or “disconnected” from their surroundings and a sense of being disconnected from their own self.  People sometimes describe it as feeling like they are underwater and everything they take in is kind of muffled.

We may also feel like we can’t “think clearly” like we are experiencing a “brain fog”.  Maybe that our memory isn’t working or that we feel that it’s all a “jumble” and we can’t sort through the complicated mess of our thoughts and emotions.   We may also lose interest in the things in our life that we would normally be interested in.  We may find ourselves bowing out of opportunities to go out or no longer be interested in our favourite TV show or reading.

Probably the reason for the dissociative and cognitive symptoms is that our mind is trying to protect itself from the perceived trauma-threat and effectively and affectively ‘disconnects” itself from the world to “calm itself” and get some relief.   Think of it like a computer becoming overloaded and slowing down or even crashing.

Other symptoms may be physical, like a weak appetite for food and/or sex, insomnia, an upset stomach or loose stools, muscle tension or a sore neck/back or headaches or other aches and pains.   Our body responds to trauma in many different ways that we may not even be aware of!   Here is a great book that looks exactly at that issue:   The Body Keeps the Score

Everyone deals with trauma in their own unique way. There is really no “right” or “wrong” way to respond to an emotionally overloading or terrifying event.  Don’t let anyone, not even yourself, tell you that you should respond in a certain way or on a certain timeline.   We all experience trauma and heal differently.  Having said that, here are some initial steps you can take to start to heal and regain control of your life:

Be Gentle With and Don’t Judge Yourself Too Harshly

One of the things that may happen when we are suffering the after-effects of a trauma, regardless of the kind, is that we may be feeling overwhelmed with strong and painful emotions — sometimes when we’re feeling strong emotions like depression or worry or fear, we may look inside ourselves for the answer to our suffering and unfortunately some people are then actually overly critical of themselves and they may start to blame themselves for the trauma that happened:

“If only I hadn’t been there, done, that thing or acted in that way… the bad thing probably wouldn’t have happened” 

Sometimes an emotional trauma will cause us to self-blame up the wazoo!   Realize though, that bad things can happen to anyone and blaming ourselves really just tears us down even more emotionally and may make healing even harder!  Even if we are partly responsible for the trauma, like perhaps we were driving a bit too carelessly and crashed, it still doesn’t help to put all the blame on ourselves — you have to tell yourself…. we’re all human and sometimes we make mistakes or bad decisions!    Stopping the self-blame and trying to explore self-forgiveness are crucial to beginning the recovery and healing process.

Try to Accept That You Are Having Negative Feelings

You may be feeling super strong and overwhelming feelings of worry, shock, anger, sadness, panic or frustration.      In the moment, you may feel that you must totally avoid all your strong emotions and hide!    But, whether you accept or push them down, your feelings are real, and for now, at least recognizing that they are there is probably necessary for starting the healing process.   Of course, you don’t have to explore them too deeply if it’s just too painful right now — but perhaps it’s a good start to just begin to recognize that we are having these strong emotional feelings for a reason.   It’s important to realize that “they are what they are” and that maybe most importantly, they are telling us that we need to take care of ourselves better during this stressful time.

Although recognizing them for what they are is important, you probably also shouldn’t dwell on your negative emotions — if you find yourself deeply stuck in your negative emotions and you find yourself repeating negative thoughts over and over again in your mind, you may want to seek the help of a professional like a psychologist who can help you through sorting through your emotions and feelings at this difficult time.

Start to Challenge the Helplessness…  Even a Little Bit

A traumatic event may cause you to feel quite hopeless, helpless and maybe even some days, emotionally out of control. To start recovering from the event though, it is super important that you try to start to challenge these feelings of helplessness on some level.  You can do this by taking some kind of action.   Being proactive – even in small ways – will help you start on the healing journey.

Start by doing something, anything — maybe start to see a therapist, go out for a bit with your friends, maybe concentrate on getting fresh air and exercise or make sure you are eating regularly with good food.  Consider volunteering for a cause that’s important to you or if that’s too much… even on helping a friend or neighbour in your life that could use a hand.  Doing these kinds of things will really help you feel stronger and more in control of your environment.  The important thing is to challenge the helplessness on some level and start to re-engage with your life and the world around you.

Connect with Others

Often after a trauma, it is really common for people to feel like they want to withdraw from the people around them.    They may also avoid social activities and prefer to “stay safe at home”.  They may feel a need to isolate themselves and pull away from their friends and loved ones — right when it actually may be more important for them to try and keep connected.  

Connecting with others is really essential for starting your recovery.  Though you may not feel up to going to a huge gathering or a loud concert or a nightclub like you once did, perhaps a simple connection and dialogue with a close friend or relative.   Science has even shown us that making human connections will actually trigger hormones that relieve symptoms of trauma, stress, anxiety and depression!

You don’t even have to talk about the traumatic event with your friends and loved ones — instead simply spending time with them can help you feel some sense of human connection and even provide a sense of “normalcy”.   Of course though, if you feel like you need to talk about what happened and about your overwhelming feelings, it may be essential to reach out to those closest to you, those who love and support you — to be brave and ask for their support.    You may also want to explore and see if there are trauma-related support groups near you, so you can be around others who know what you are going through and can provide support.

Professional Help

And lastly, and especially if you are feeling really overwhelming emotional symptoms that are really affecting your daily life — you may want to consider seeking help from a psychologist who is equipped to help and support people who have experienced a traumatic event.  They can help you manage your emotions and provide you with the support and tools to get your life back on track.  You don’t have to suffer from the painful after-effects of your trauma all alone.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Trauma

Four Ways To Increase Your Happiness

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Happiness is a very popular subject in our modern world.   There are countless books in your local bookstore, shelf after shelf of titles, all professing to have “the secret” to happiness.  Why do we have such a fascination and maybe even obsession with finding happiness?

Research from the field of positive psychology explores the concept of happiness and defines a happy person as someone who feels frequent positive emotions, such as joy and a greater overall sense of pleasure/contentment.   Happy people aren’t just happier, they are also less troubled and experience the negative emotions, such as anxiety, sadness, and anger less frequently.  Greater happiness has also been related to life satisfaction/appreciation of life and numerous studies have also shown that happier individuals are also more successful across multiple life domains —including marriage, friendship, income, work performance, and health  (Lyubomirsky et al., 2005).

Research has also suggested that happiness doesn’t just feel good, it is also linked to other huge benefits such as less disease, lower stress, better heart health, better immune-system function and even a longer life!   So then, if it’s that important, why does happiness seem to be kind of a slippery concept that escapes and eludes so many people?

In our not too distant past, humans were busy running and hiding from animals that wanted to eat us and when we weren’t running and hiding, we were searching for food.  We didn’t have the time or energy to be concerned with whether or not we were happy.  But now, thanks to the wonders of modern life, like wonderfully abundant food, fewer hungry sabre tooth tigers, and modern medicine, life has gotten much, much, much easier.   Modern humans have considerably extended their lifespans and we now have the time to belly button gaze and explore deeper philosophical issues like, what is happiness?  We have also evolved giant intelligent and logical brains with which we can explore our world and wonder why we aren’t happier?

But What Is Happiness?  

We certainly feel happy emotions when we are spending time with the people we love.  When we’re enjoying activities like listening to music or exercising, spending time in nature or relaxing with a book in front of the fireplace.  We feel happy when we’re watching a funny movie (Monty Python anyone?) or eating our favourite food at our favourite restaurant. But perhaps happiness is more than just a temporary emotion because emotions are often short-lived and transient.

So how can we look at happiness differently then?

Happiness is maybe better seen as a “state of mind” involving our perceptions, our feelings, our consciousness and even more importantly, having a sense of intentionality and purpose.   Happiness can maybe best seen as something deliberate, intentional and strategic. This is good news for us because it means we can purposely make good choices that lead us to a more positive state of mind & happiness.  We can also look to the people who seem to be naturally happy and even learn and mimic what they do!

And here are four things that they do differently:

1) They Understand Growth is Often Unpleasant or Even Sometimes Painful!

Many people play life really, really safe. They go to the same job every day for 30 years even though they don’t like it,  they eat the same foods at the same restaurants, vacation every single year at the same time and place, and spend their free time with the same people doing the same things.   But sustained happiness is perhaps about not always being so secure, safe and settled. It’s maybe about self-discovery and growth, which by definition demands a life lived outside of your comfort zone!

A friend and I were having a discussion a little while ago about how, when we’re on a vacation, in a new place with new surroundings and people, we really and truly feel more alive and happy!   How did you feel the last time you were on vacation in a new place?  Did you feel more vital and alive?     I think that’s maybe because we’re fully outside our comfort zone in those new situations and places, our brain is highly stimulated and we sense and feel that everything is fresh and exciting.  We feel alive, and when we feel alive, maybe we feel happier?

The ancient Greeks described happiness as:

…the joy that we feel when we’re striving after our potential.

Can you truly be happy if you dislike your job and you’re just biding your time until retirement, or if your marriage is stale and feels disconnected, or if you have no hobbies or interests that you’re truly passionate about?   Probably not.   So maybe we need to steadily strive for things outside of our comfort zone to grow emotionally and feel happy?

2) They Are Curious

Part of getting out of our comfort zone is being curious.  A 2007 study found that happy people seem to have an instinctive grasp of the fact that happiness requires growth and frequently adventuring outside the confines of your comfort zone. Happy people are curious about life and their world.  Researchers Todd Kashdan and Michael Steger found that when their study participants monitored their everyday activities, those who regularly felt curious on a given day also reported more frequent growth-oriented behaviors, experienced a greater presence of feelings of “life meaning”,  life satisfaction and happiness and also engaged in the highest number of happiness creating activities, such as communicating gratitude to a co-worker or freely volunteering to help others.    Being curious also predicted greater persistence of meaning in life from one day to the next.  So by being curious every day maybe we can actually feel more happiness and satisfaction with life!    So making an effort to be curious and exploring your world every day can make you happier!

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

Dalai Lama

3) They Don’t Worry Or Fret About the Details

The book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” was super popular a while ago, and yes, at first glance, it does seem to be a strategy that’s maybe just a little too simplistic, however, it can really be an important part of our overall happiness strategy.    Happy people don’t worry about the small stuff and they really try to not be overly perfectionistic.  Rather, they often hold a less serious attitude about their performance.   Psychology research from Shigehiro Oishi and his colleagues (2007) has actually found that the happiest people, defined as those who scored higher on measures of life satisfaction, typically didn’t perform quite as well as more moderately happy people in life accomplishments like grades, school attendance, or even high work salaries.  So perhaps, always striving for achievements and perfection may somehow even make us less happy?

This is not to say that we should stop trying our best in life. But it does suggest that maybe it’s okay to surrender some degree of achievement if it means letting go of the fretting, worry and perfectionism that steals some of our happiness.  Like many things in life, maybe it’s really about finding a healthy balance between endeavouring for achievement and being more relaxed and untroubled?

4)  They Explore & Accept Their Feelings

You would think that really happy people are always happy all of the time, but that really doesn’t seem to be the case at all.  Truly happy people recognize the reality that every life has its share of disappointments, obstacles, frustrations and problems.   They accept this reality and have reasonable expectations of their world.   Like Ella Fitzgerald sang:

Into each life some rain must fall…

Psychologically healthy people are those that understand the importance of actually paying attention to and feeling their genuine emotions even if they aren’t always positive.  Happy people don’t deny or ignore their disagreeable or uncomfortable emotions.  They realize that negative emotions and “bad feelings” are a normal part of everyone’s life.  Everyones.   Rather than denying these feelings, they instead try to manage their negative emotions with positive coping strategies, like physical exercise, or therapy, or hobbies, or yoga, or mindfulness, etc.  They also realize that negative feelings and emotions are perhaps signs that we need to make life changes or that we may need to make better or different choices in the future.

For instance, a happy person might feel upset, sad, angry and jealous because a coworker got a promotion and they didn’t.  Happy people don’t immerse themselves in this “woe is me” feeling.  They don’t get stuck in those negative feelings of angry jealousy. They see these emotions as a sign that maybe they could have done something differently to achieve a more desirable outcome in their own life, like working harder or smarter, or that maybe the job that they’re in isn’t a good a fit, as they aren’t really progressing up the ladder.  They also try their best to navigate around their own negative feelings and instead try to feel good for their coworker and even congratulate and support them!

Looking at another scenario, perhaps if we feel anger towards someone, it’s really a sign that maybe we’re overreacting to something, or that perhaps we need to set stronger boundaries and protect ourselves better from someone who is harming us in some way.

Regardless of the emotion felt, happy people, realize that life sometimes presents us with negative situations, people and feelings and that maybe these are things that can actually help us grow and change for the better?  The important thing is to feel your feelings and not hide from them!

If you’ve always been someone who shies away from feeling their negative emotions or even denies or hides from them, it may seem difficult to actually start to feel your feelings. A therapist can help you get better acquainted with the full range of your emotional life and can even suggest some tools and strategies that can help you understand, accept and navigate your emotions in the future.

 

Finally, here are some wonderful books to further explore your own personal journey to happiness:

 

 

References

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, General, Self-Esteem

Why Do We Judge Others & How Do We Stop?

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One of the things most of us are taught as children is to never judge other people.

We’re told…    “Don’t judge a book by its cover!”

Then, our adolescence is really all about judgments, learning to form our own opinions and perceptions apart from others;  learning to separate from our parents and judge the world through our own eyes.  We are also supposed to learn how to be accepting and open towards others and their different ideas, opinions and worldviews.  We’re told that we should walk a mile in another’s shoes before we judge them!

And yet, despite our best efforts, many of us still fall into the trap of judging others throughout our lives, even though we know we probably shouldn’t!

An investigation from researcher Dustin Wood at Wakefield University shows that people who are overly judgemental and critical tend to be more self-centred and even anti-social in their overall behaviours, while those who are less judgemental, actually tend to be happier, more kind-hearted and actually more emotionally stable!  This study also found that how positively you see other people actually reveals how satisfied you are with your own life, and how much you are liked by others.

So maybe learning not to judge others may actually improve our own life in some ways?  If we make an effort to see others in the best light we may actually end up happier ourselves?  Positivity and acceptance may be contagious!

But the reality is many of us often default to judging others.    So why do we do that?  Why do we judge others, often before we even get to know them?

It’s Natural to Make “Snap Judgements”

Our everyday world is chockfull of stimuli.  Our brain is constantly hit with hundreds of things every minute to process and to do that we make “snap judgements” to help it all make sense.    With all of this data coming in all the time we need to quickly simplify and structure the world so we can understand it better.    Unfortunately, though, this inclination towards making snap judgements and to quickly pigeonhole things as quickly as we can, may sometimes cause us to make judgments in error.

These quick judgements may lead us to judge people in a negative light before we truly get to know who they are as human beings.   How many times have you formed an opinion of someone based on a quick conversation or even based on how they look or how they were dressed?  Only to find out later that our assumption was totally wrong!    We may make snap judgements to simplify our world and “save brain power”, but doing so may cause us to view others inaccurately and maybe even harm potential new relationships.

It May Make Us Feel Superior

The truth is, sometimes judging others comes from our own insecurities and our own deep-seated fears of being flawed in some fundamental way.  Sometimes, tearing others down is a way some may use to prop themselves up. By judging others in a negative light, we compare ourselves to them and we may then find ourselves looking “better” in some way or another.  Compared to their life, their bank account, their house, their car, their education, their job, their behaviour, their body, their wife or husband, we may look pretty good!

But these kinds of comparisons are hollow, empty and even maybe unhealthy. We should use our own unique goals and progress in life as our measuring yardstick.   Instead, we let this comparison to others determine how well we’re doing!  We create a false sense of superiority when we spend our time locating the faults of others.  We decide, maybe even subconsciously to some degree, that as long as others are flawed, even slightly more than we are,  we can relax and feel more justified in our own shortcomings and failures to meet our own goals.   Instead of spending the time and effort finding these “shortcomings” in others, we would surely do much better to focus on how we can become our best selves?

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
Jiddu Krishnamurti

It Can Make Us Feel Like We’re Part of a Group

Judging others can also make us feel like we’re included as part of a group.    For instance, let’s look at a work situation where one person judges a co-worker regarding some behaviour or action or whatever — then they tell someone else and this person tells someone else, and so forth and so on.   All of a sudden a group-think has formed around this judgmental negativity.  A group forms around “picking on someone”.     

A great example are the cliques and “in-groups” that form in every junior high school.  No one judges quite like an insecure middle schooler!  These cliques are based on judging other’s behaviour, appearance, socio-economic status, etc etc.   It feels good to be a part of a group and included, but often, and sadly, this kind of negativity is often at the expense of another.   

It May Actually Help Us Understand Ourselves Better

Interestingly, judging others can also be a way to help us understand the world and ourselves better. When we explore our relationships with others and form opinions, we are also able to recognize what is important to us, what we value and what may bother us or push our buttons. 

 “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” 

Carl Jung

Judging may even help us explore our own faults and weaknesses.   Oftentimes, we are bothered by the qualities in others that we would prefer not to see in ourselves!   We are upset by another’s attitudes, character or even their lifestyle choices because they may be the very ones we dislike in ourselves.   For instance, if we notice someone in our life is a little short tempered or maybe whiny, or braggadocious, and it really bothers us?   We may want to be brave and take a deep, deep breath and look at ourselves and see if sometimes our own behaviours are similar and see if it’s something we may want to change ourselves.     

 

Breaking the Judgement Habit 

So how do we stop making these critical and shallow judgements of others? 

“The answer is that we are not helpless in the face of our first impressions. They may bubble up from the unconscious – from behind a locked door inside of our brain – but just because something is outside of awareness doesn’t mean it’s outside of control.”   

Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking 

If you’ve recognized that you may have an inclination toward judging others and really many of us do, here are some three strategies to start breaking the habit:

  • Really make an honest effort to try to walk a mile in another’s shoes and understand where other people are really coming from, and why they may act or look the way they do.  Understanding and empathy are crucial to stopping our judgement cycle.   Realize being human is being flawed — that absolutely no-one is perfect and therefore we should really, really try to have realistic expectations of others.
  • Try to explore and recognize your own self-doubts and uncertainties, especially if you recognize them in others and they irk you!    Recognize your own faults and work on improving yourself and building your own self-confidence instead of tearing others down.
  • Explore and examine your friendships and connections with others at work and other places. Are they based on positivity or are they maybe about judging or even actively criticizing and judging others?  If its the latter, ask yourself if this is really how you want your life to look and maybe instead focus on building connections based on positivity, empathy and mutual respect.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird 

If you find that you have a tendency towards judging others and it’s affecting your life in negative ways or maybe you feel that maybe it’s kind of due to your own feelings of low self-esteem, it may help to speak with a therapist who can help you learn to grow and change in helpful ways.

Filed Under: General, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

Crucial Communication Skills to Improve Your Relationship

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Undoubtedly, one of the most important ways to keep any relationship healthy is through solid and balanced communication. When both partners understand how to communicate properly, it can actually help them feel more connected and even loved — this can help them feel more secure, happy and stable in their relationship.   Having someone actually care enough to listen to us makes us feel wanted and even validated.

But when effective communication is missing in a relationship, both people can end up feeling isolated, alone, disconnected and maybe even unwanted.   They may even become irritable and defensive and this can then cause the relationship to devolve to one where negative things like mistrust, misunderstanding and resentments can begin to take root and grow into relationship breakdown.

When couples end up feeling isolated, alone, mistrusting or misunderstood and resentful, it’s crucial that they try to start learning communication skills, chiefly how to listen to and validate their partner.

If you find your relationship is lacking in communication and you and your partner are struggling to connect with and understand each other, below are some of the most important essential listening skills that can help improve your communication

Validate Each Other’s Feelings

Emotional validation means recognizing and communicating acceptance of your partner’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  To validate your partner really means to try and understand what they are saying and feeling from their point of view.    This does not at all mean you have to fully agree with them.  It just means that you really make an effort to see their particular perspective — that because you truly love and care about them, their thoughts, opinions and feelings are valid and important to you.   It’s  about trying to have a sense of openness and curiosity about what your partner is feeling.

You can validate them by saying something like:

What you’re saying makes sense, tell me more about that…

I can see how you might think/feel that…

I certainly hear what you’re saying and I understand…

I hear that you’re angry, frustrated sad, upset…

Yeah, I can see how that might make you feel really sad/frustrated/angry/tired…

You may not always fully understand your partner’s point of view.  So maybe asking for clarification or for more information might help you understand and also help them feel more validated.

Can you explain that to me better?

Can you tell me more about that?

Can you clarify that for me?

What you’re saying makes sense, tell me more about that?

 

Watch Your Nonverbal Communication.

A famous scientific study by Mehrabian & Wiener, 1967 found that 55% of the communication of our attitudes and feelings is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and only 7% is the actual words spoken.   So that means 80% + of our communication of attitudes and feelings takes place without any words!    For a couple in a relationship, this is really a crucially important finding.

How can you tell if your partner is cross with you?   Is it because they tell you?  Or is it because they give you “the cold shoulder”, or a “dirty look”, maybe even a “look that could freeze water”?   Sometimes it even feels like we can sense when our partner is upset with us, like a disturbance in the force.   What this is, probably isn’t about changes in the vibrations of the universe, but that we can pick all of the small nuances and distinctions in our partner’s body language, actions or tone of voice

Look at the photo above, what do you see in their reactions, the woman is obviously concerned, angry or upset and she is letting her partner know about it, whereas the man looks upset, maybe angry, frustrated, maybe worried, and certainly overwhelmed.

When a couple tries to communicate and/or resolve a conflict, watching the nonverbal communication can be a key to making the communication productive.   If every time you go to your partner with a problem they sigh deeply, act uninterested and grunt without putting down their phone, how many problems do you think will be solved?   Not very many.

What if every time you and your partner tried to resolve a conflict one of you used a really strained voice, paced angrily and wagged their finger?   How fast do you think those discussions would escalate to anger and unresolved conflict?

In my experience as a therapist and human being, nonverbal communications like hand gestures or tones of voice can actually be some of the things that make conflicts escalate and prevent them from being successfully resolved.   Unresolved conflicts cause resentments and even contempt for our partner.   Having a series of ongoing unresolved conflicts can even be marriage enders for many couples.  Some people are also really really sensitive to the emotions of others and they are especially good at picking up the “signals” that other people put out,  they are also very affected by having someone angry or upset with them.  If this sounds like you, here is an article about exploring if you’re a Highly Sensitive Person.

So here are some things to try to keep your non-verbal/body language positive and conducive to sound communication:

  • Use open, neutral body language, turn towards your partner with an open stance.
  • Watch your tone of voice, if you feel it getting angry or strained maybe it’s time to take a break.
  • Try not to point angrily, wave your hands around or wagging your finger, make fists or cross your arms angrily
  • Try not to use negative facial signals like judgemental frowns, pursed lips or even sneers or snarls
  • Avoid sudden or aggressive movements, angry gestures or pacing about
  • Remember its almost always better to take a break and step away than escalate into a relationship-damaging conflict!!

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”   Dalai Lama

Reflect or Mirror Your Partner

This approach is about reflecting or “mirroring” what your partner is saying in their own words. Yes, it might feel a bit weird at first, but it can be an incredibly effective communication technique.    It’s about really listening to what your partner is saying and “restating” it or “paraphrasing” back to them in an inquisitive and open way.   It’s about letting them know you are truly listening and wanting to learn more about what they are saying or feeling.

When you reflect or mirror what your partner has said, you may start your response with something like:

 

It sounds like what you’re saying is…

I hear you saying that you’re feeling/thinking this…

It sounds like you’re feeling…  

Am I understanding you right?  You’re saying that you feel this way…

 

Reflecting helps your partner feel heard and it also allows the conversation to slow down, avoiding escalating into conflict.  It also allows you to fully process what your partner is saying, and that can make a difficult conversation significantly easier.    It’s not about just parroting your partners words, it’s about really listening, understanding and clarifying your partner’s thoughts and feelings because it’s important to you to do so!

By using and practising this reflecting skill, the more you will actually hear and understand what your partner says and in turn, understand how they feel.

 

 Empathizing With Your Partner

The next step to improving your relationship communication is making an effort to recognize the emotions your partner is experiencing “in the moment”.   This skill will require you to be brave and explore the often-vulnerable territory of feelings.

Empathizing is super important because it shows your partner that how they feel really matters to you.

To grow your empathy:

  1. Pay attention to the other person, really be interested in them and their ideas/beliefs/feelings. Be curious about their thoughts!
  2. Stop thinking in terms of right and wrong. The world is rarely that black and white, it’s usually shades of grey.   Unless you’re doing algebra, right and wrong is usually a matter of perspective.  Be flexible!!
  3. Really see your partner as your equal; truly see that their ideas/thoughts/opinions are as valid as yours. If you feel they aren’t and you feel superior, then sadly, your relationship probably won’t last.
  4. Make an honest effort to “walk a mile” in your partner’s shoes. Respect and appreciate their individual and unique human experience as valid, even if it’s different from yours.
  5. Don’t judge your partner’s ideas and opinions.   Remember “love is a lack of judgement”
  6. If you’re talking about a conflict?   Be present and in the moment with your partner, not remembering and resenting the last 3 times they “made you” upset or angry.
  7. Realize your partner (just like you) is human, flawed and imperfect; accept who they are and have reasonable expectations of them.

Though it may take some practice and time to get the hang of these new communication skills, the effort is worth it. And remember, when your partner practices these same skills, you will feel equally listened to, loved and respected!

Some couples may find they need a bit of help from a neutral third party. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for each partner to practice these listening skills. A trained therapist will be able to guide you and offer advice and adjustments.

Going to individual therapy can also help us explore and change any unproductive thoughts and behaviours we may have — like having skewed negative perceptions of our partner or help us in learning how to communicate in a way that makes our relationship grow and thrive!

If you want to improve your relationship it’s worth the time and effort!  Good luck becoming a better communicator.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Uncategorized

The Emotional Challenges of Being a Stay-at-Home Parent

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From personal experience, I can tell you that being a stay-at-home parent can be one of the most wonderful and rewarding things you may ever, ever, do, but it can also be incredibly emotional, stressful and challenging.  It starts with caring for the every need of helpless little wiggly creatures… and dealing with colds and flus and teething, and colic and nightmares and diaper rash.     Then there’s the guilt and worry about not being able to provide financially for your family and about being dependent on your spouse for financial support.   Then there can also be feelings of boredom, loneliness and wondering if you’re doing the right thing.  Sometimes you can really feel stuck and alone in the four walls of your home.

Let’s explore some of the common emotional challenges that come along with being a stay-at-home parent:

Not Finishing or Feeling Defeated Before You Even Start

Before you stayed home, you were always really on top of things.  You worked full time, you worked hard and you were damn good at it — you also managed to keep the bills paid, the house clean and have the laundry done as well.   You made it to the gym 3 or 4 times a week (maybe 2 or 3?) and even had time to go out with your friends for a few pints on “Wings Wednesday” or to that oh so relaxing yoga class.

Now it seems like you can’t finish… one…  single… darn… thing…

There is a dried coffee stain on the counter that’s been there for weeks, there is a load of laundry getting wrinklier and wrinklier in the drier, and the vacuum cleaner itself…  actually needs dusting!    The bills have piled up because money and time are tight and you may or may not have fed the dog today.

One of the best ways to start dealing with this long list of things to do is to slow down and realize that it’s perfectly normal for parents, especially new parents, to have to change the order of the priorities on their to-do list — and to really take a deep breath and let some things go, so you can focus on the more important things, like keeping your kids alive, happy and comfortable.

It’s about realizing that coffee ring on the counter isn’t really hurting anyone and you’ll get to it sometime.   It’s realizing that it’s totally normal and OK and helpful to let go of the expectations that you had on yourself before children.    A happy, healthy child and a happy healthy mommy or daddy are much, much more important than a freshly cleaned house.  Be realistic in your expectations and whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to others who may look like they have it together on the outside, as you never know… maybe they are about to implode!

Maybe it’s OK to be creative and spend that extra money for a weekly grocery delivery or a having a service do a deep clean once a month, even if it would make your grandmother roll over in her grave to find out you used a maid.   This is not the time to worry about how your mother, or friends, or that perfect TV family parented and kept their house.   Be your own kind of parent!  Do what works for you!  Set your own standards!

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help!  See if a friend or family member can swing by and watch the kids while you spend an hour or two a week grocery shopping.  This will help you fill the fridge and also maybe give you some alone time!

And finally, be kind to yourself.  Don’t be hard on yourself if things aren’t perfect and try to just let go of some of those expectations (and especially if those expectations are the perfectionist, archetypal June Cleaver kind from the 1950’s).   Make the effort to change your self-talk and mindset, and maybe just learn how to be OK with unfinished chores and long lasting coffee rings.  Ask yourself: Does it really matter in the big picture? Really?  I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that there are some things, maybe even lots of things, that are perhaps, maybe, possibly okay to just let go?

Isolation, Desolation, Loneliness and Boredom

You were once surrounded by people in your office (and you maybe even liked some of them?).  There were long Monday morning coffee breaks and lunches out with other adults that you could laugh and talk and argue politics with.  Your job kept you intellectually challenged — heck,  keeping track of the office politics alone probably kept your mind busy!

Now you spend many days looking for lost socks and you may actually find yourself giving the sock the “what for”,  telling it out loud how disappointed in its behaviour you are when you find it in the couch cushions!

Being a stay-at-home parent can be especially isolating, and especially so, if you were an extrovert or a social butterfly in your previous work-life.  And though raising children is very heart filling and rewarding, there are plenty of days when you won’t speak to a single adult all day, or feel intellectually challenged, even a little bit;  the boredom can feel mind-numbing sometimes.

Though it isn’t always easy finding the time to nurture your social and cerebral needs, it’s really super important that you try to make socializing and using your brain a priority.    Make the effort to plan and execute regular grown-up gatherings with friends and families with and without the children.  Maybe join a book club or take a class once a week (or an online class) if you need a challenge for your brain.  Maybe join the soccer or softball “beer league” in your neighbourhood, or take those golf or tennis lessons you’ve always meant to take. Plan a get together with other stay-at-home parents, or join a mom and tots group, or one of the groups that go mall walking with their wee ones.     Make it a true priority to get that social interaction and mental stimulation.   Making an effort to find other adults to interact with and ways to support each other can be an important way to fight off loneliness and maintain our stay at home parent mental wellness.

Another great resource is to find online support groups or forums like the ones on Facebook where you can interact and connect with other stay at homers that are in the same boat as you.

Doubting Your Parenting 

When you’re a stay-at-home parent, you seemingly eat, sleep, and breathe being a parent.  From first thing in the morning until the last thoughts before sleep, somedays there is almost no break from it.  It can really be all-encompassing, which makes it very easy to become somewhat obsessed and worried that maybe you’re not really doing a good job.     It doesn’t help that the interwebz is full of “helicopter parenting” blogs, articles and advice columns that have totally wacky super high expectations that no parent, anywhere, actually meets, or could possibly ever meet.   You may begin to really start questioning every little parenting decision you make and wonder if you’re harming your little dumpling’s emotional and intellectual development.  I mean really, you’ve only read the 20 latest, greatest parenting books and you only have them in Gymboree once a week, playschool twice a week or maybe you got angry with them and raised your voice last week and you still feel a bit guilty.

A great way to deal with this doubt is by connecting with other stay-at-home parents in person or in an online chat room.  These connections can really help you gain perspective on your situation.

Also when you find yourself beginning to worry and obsess, maybe step back and look at the “bigger picture”.   Ask yourself:  “Is my family happy and healthy?”  Am I worried about something truly important, or am I “just worrying”?

Do some research and really know what is normal child development at various stages.  The more you know about what is “normal” the more you can relax and realize that you’re really doing just fine!   Here is a link to a great site that has The Developmental Stages laid out really well — Developmental Stages, Tasks and Milestones

Cut yourself some slack and be the parent you want to be, not the unrealistic ideal parent that we think we NEED to be.  Here’s a really great irreverent and funny book on being the best parent you can and allaying some of those doubts:

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by  Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alicia Ybarbo and Mary Ann Zoellner 

Special Challenges for Stay at Home Dads — The Stigma

At a few points during my parenting years, I was a stay at home dad.  I was even a stay at home dad with a shiny, fresh newborn!  So I know personally that being a stay at home dad has a few special challenges.  Maybe most importantly is realizing that the sexist system that has held down women in the workplace (and elsewhere!), also takes pot shots at you if you’re a stay at home dad and you’re not in the workplace where you belong.   You’ll get questioned by family and friends who might be surprised or even judgemental about what you’re doing.

You might get comments and questions like:

YOU’RE stying at home?  (said with skepticism and incredulity)

Are you actually changing dirty diapers and cleaning the house?  (again skepticism and incredulity)

So you’re Mr. Mom now?!?!?  (yup, more, skepticism and incredulity)

Wow. Do you know what you’re doing?  (like a man just isn’t capable of childcare)

Must be great to not have to go to work?  (because childcare isn’t work?!?!?)

Did you lose your job?  (seriously?)

Being a stay a stay at home dad has the added difficulty of challenging a very set and very archaic social rule.  Men work and women care for babies.  A stay at home dad breaks this rule and this can leave the dad feeling socially judged and maybe even ostracised for not being a “real man”.  No matter how hard a man tries, it’s hard not to feel this kind of social pressure and not feel stigmatized.   This added pressure can really make a stay at home dad begin to question their choice in takig the parenting role.  They can also feel the stress of putting their career on hold because, well, men just don’t do that.  They feel like they are spinning their wheels or falling behind.  For all of these reasons being a stay at home dad can be a stressful experience.

One of the best things a stay at home dad can do to allay these feelings is to get support!   Having open-minded, supportive and encouraging people to talk to can be a great help.    A great resource for stay at home dads is the Stay at Home Dad Network that has great information and online support groups.

Motherism?  There’s a Stigma for Stay At Home Moms Too!

Just like there is a social and cultural stigma for stay at home dads, one exists for stay at home moms too!   Mom’s who stay at home and put their career on hold can also feel prejudiced against.   Although feminism is a wonderful thing, it also has sprouted some unhealthy ideas and thoughts.  Women who stay at home often feel they are looked down on by others who make a different choice and stay at work, a word coined for this is motherism.   UK Researcher and Psychologist Dr. Aric Sigman, addressing a conference organised by the Mothers At Home Matter group stated that:

The implication is that by being a full-time mother you are “subjugated and servile” and even sexually unattractive once you are a mother – a quality only associated with women who return to work with their high heels and clipboards.’

Motherhood must not hide its light under a bushel. Greater maternal contact in the early years, especially during infancy, is greatly advantageous to the child.

 

So whether you’re a stay at home dad or mom you may find you may experience some social friction from colleagues, friends and family.  The best way to deal with this perhaps is to really stay strong and positive about the choice you’ve made to stay home.   If you truly value the stay at home parent role?  Stick to your guns and defend it!   Regardless of what society says, you made the choice to spend that crucial one on one time with your children and why waste your effort and emotional energy worrying about self-doubt, or what other people think?   Also get support!  Find an in person or online stay at home parent support group — there is strength in numbers and it’s super helpful being around people who really understand what it takes to stay home!

 

If you’re really stressed and overwrought though, sometimes, talking with a third party, like a therapist, can help you gain perspective on your life and how being a stay-at-home parent may be affecting you.   If you’re interested in talking to someone, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

 

 

References:

Harding Eleanor.   The rise of ‘motherism’: Stay-at-home mothers face prejudice assuming they are lazy, stupid and unattractive, expert warns. http://www.dailymail.co.uk//news/article-2469315/Dr-Aric-Sigman-Stay-home-mums-face-prejudice-assuming-lazy-stupid.html#ixzz50hOXNdlT    http://mothersathomematter.co.uk/

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Teens/Children