403-973-2174
admin@roberthammel.com
202 - 4603 Varsity Drive N.W.
Calgary AB. T3A.2V7

roberthammel.com

Request an Appointment

September is Self-Improvement Month — 32 Ways to Improve Your Life!!!

by Leave a Comment

Human beings really have a strong natural desire to continuously want to improve themselves and the world around them.   Self-improvement simply just means making an effort to become better.  It’s about finding ways to live a better life through your own effort and learning new ways of being in the world.    Since this month is Self-Improvement Month, it’s really a great opportunity for you to look for new ways of making yourself the best person that you can be!  Self-improvement looks different for everyone and there are really many areas in which you can strive for self-improvement.   The general areas for self-improvement include these parts of our life: intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical and financial.

So here’s a great list of ways people like to improve themselves.  I hope this list helps you explore and get some ideas for yourself.

  • Eat healthier
  • Get more exercise
  • Improve or even change your job or career
  • Concentrate on having better relationships with our loved ones
  • Work on our own emotional control like learning to control our anger or negativity
  • Improve your time management
  • Start a new hobby or passion
  • Read more
  • Unplug from technology
  • Learn a new language
  • Travel to broaden your mind
  • Start to volunteer or find ways to help others
  • Change your surroundings, redecorate a room or even your house!
  • Learn to let go of regrets
  • Learn how to keep an open mind
  • Learn how to be more accepting and less judgemental of others

  • Get out of your comfort zone and overcome worry, anxiety or fearfulness
  • Get more or better quality sleep
  • Quit a bad habit like smoking or nail biting
  • Be kinder to yourself!  Cut yourself some slack!
  • Learn how to deal with difficult people in better ways
  • Learn mindfulness meditation
  • Get better and more confident at public speaking or interacting with groups of people
  • Work on your personal financial goals
  • Learn how to have a more positive attitude
  • Work on being a better spouse/partner or better parent
  • Learn to stop procrastinating
  • Make an effort to make an effort in your life!
  • Learn to enjoy the simple pleasures in life
  • Learn how to feel and express gratitude
  • Learn to embrace and not fight change!
  • Learn how to deal with stress in better and healthier ways

So set some goals, get motivated and start to improve yourself and your life this month!

Oh and here’s a link to a great way to set those goals using the SMART goal process: SMART GOALS

Also, remember that seeing a psychologist can also be a great way to help improve your life! Psychologists are trained professionals whose very “raison d’être” is to help you explore, set, and achieve your life goals!

 

 

.

Filed Under: General, Self-Esteem

7 Important Steps to Liking Yourself

by 4 Comments

So, what is self-esteem?

Here’s an interesting question we seldom ask ourselves:

Do you actually like yourself?

Take a few seconds to think about it.   When asked this question, most people either don’t know how to respond or they respond with a pat, canned answer like,  “Like myself?  Of course, I like myself”,  or they maybe even react defensively and say,   “What kind of a dumb question is that?!?”

Regardless, if you ask enough people (which I have actually done in my therapy practice), you will quickly discover that people who haven’t thought about this question much, either have a high sense of natural self-esteem or they are on the opposite end of the spectrum, and they don’t seem to like themselves all that much.

Are you someone who’s truly happy in their own skin? Are you happy with your appearance, how much money you make, your education or job, your intelligence, your abilities, or the past life decisions you’ve made; or are you continually comparing yourself to other people, really wishing you could be more like them and less like yourself?  Does it feel like everyone else is smarter, richer, better looking, more educated?   When you look in the mirror, who do you see looking back?   Do you see someone you like or someone who just doesn’t quite live up to your own high expectations?

Our own judgment of our self-worth, or in other words, our self-esteem, is largely based on how we feel about ourselves, right now at this moment and secondly, how we see and judge ourselves through looking back at our past.

What exactly is self-esteem? Self-esteem is about how we value ourselves; how we perceive our value in the world and how we perceive how valuable we think we are to others.  Self-esteem affects our confidence, motivation and resilience and our ability to trust in others.  It affects our relationships, our abilities and skills at work — really every part of our lives. Self-esteem gives us the inner strength and adaptability to take measured gambles in our lives and drive forward through difficult circumstances.   Self-esteem gives us the super useful ability to make blunders and mistakes, yet still be able to forgive ourselves and actually grow from those mistakes into fuller, stronger more resilient people.

What about low self-esteem?   Low self-esteem can be both a socially and emotionally troubling condition that keeps many people from living their lives fully or from realizing their full potential. A person with low self-esteem can feel unworthy, shameful, inadequate, and incompetent.

Often because the person with low self-esteem feels so poorly about themselves, it becomes a vicious cycle where their thoughts and feelings of low self-esteem may actually be part of what’s maintaining the person’s continued low self-esteem.

In other words, low self-esteem can become a viciously self-perpetuating habit of thinking.

So, self-esteem is actually quite crucial to us if we want to “feel good”, in fact, for many people experiencing anxiety, depression and other mental illness low self-esteem is often both a symptom and a cause.

If you’re someone who is overly critical of yourself and you feel down about who you are as a person, here are 7 ways you can start to learn to like yourself better:

1. Accomplishments, Successes and Achievements

Sometimes we focus really hard on everything that might be wrong with us, rather than on what’s right.  When you’ve done something well, it’s important that you acknowledge this victory, no matter how small it is and maybe even relish it?

It doesn’t have to be something super huge, either. It could even be that you make a really delicious gourmet meal or that you’re a really good friend.  It can be that you’re really making an effort to be physically fit or even that you’ve finally started reading The Complete Works of Shakespeare, or maybe even just reading your first book in a long time.   Allow yourself the pleasure of enjoying every little thing you do right rather than focusing on what you do wrong.  Change your perspective about yourself and really make an effort to look for all the good things about you!  Look accurately at yourself and the long list of achievements you’ve already made in your life — learn how to feel good about who you are and what you’ve done.

2. Really, Who’s Perfect? 

If you’ve been relentlessly comparing yourself to other people all your life, it’s time for you to stop this terrible habit and realize that no one, absolutely no one is perfect.  Not the talking heads on breakfast TV, not the models you see online or on the cover of magazines, nor all the actors you see on Netflix.  They all have on-call makeup artists and even plastic surgeons — not to mention the magic of photoshop and their powerful marketing teams promoting their “brand”.

Intellectually, there’s always, always, someone smarter than you. Or financially, always someone that makes more money or has a bigger house.  Comparing ourselves to others is truly folly.   No one is perfect, no one.

3. Looking at Values

Maybe it’s really and truly okay to just be an average person?   Maybe it’s actually okay to work an average job, live in a small, rented place and drive a 5-year-old fuel-efficient Hyundai?    Maybe instead of buying into the idea that we can purchase the right clothes, car, cookware, home and lifestyle that will make us “fit in”  — we should maybe instead decide to pride ourselves on being a truly good person, honest, compassionate and caring?   Rather than comparing ourselves to others and their bank accounts and achievements, we should instead really look to our own deepest held values?   Perhaps holding the values of kindness, caring and compassion for others will actually help us build our self-esteem from the inside out!        

4. Creating Successes  

One of the best ways to really increase our self-esteem is to really make an effort to fight our fears and anxieties and start creating more positive accomplishments in our life.  Perhaps there are many things about yourself that you would like to change. Do you want to lose weight, work out and have a better body, maybe it’s about getting a university degree, or getting a better more fulfilling job?

Oftentimes we will resent ourselves for not reaching the highly impossible goals we have set for ourselves. If there are big goals you would like to reach, try to be realistic in setting the timelines and be patient with yourself.  Break the goal down into smaller parts and really celebrate any achievement no matter how small it might seem.   If the goal is to lose weight, start small and start tracking and reducing what you eat.  And maybe going to the gym 5 days a week is too much and we should start with 2 or 3 times instead?   If we want to pursue a uni degree maybe taking the first step is to contact a counsellor at a university and really explore how to start the process and then maybe start with just the first class?  It all starts with goal setting and then practising how to be more determined!

Here’s a great link on how to set goals using the SMART Goals strategy:

http://hrweb.mit.edu/performance-development/goal-setting-developmental-planning/smart-goals

5. Use Affirmations

One great way to start growing our sense of self-esteem is to use affirmations to actually “reprogram our brain” to see ourselves differently.  Low self-esteem is created over a lifetime of experience and letting go of those deeply established feelings and actions is not easy. It may take some time and effort, and for some people, it may even require professional therapy.  But there a simple, positive thinking technique called affirmations can often effectively be used to help improve our self-esteem.

Using affirmations is a way to stop using our negative self-trash-talk and replace it with affirmations, which are encouraging simple messages we can give ourselves every day, in effect reprogramming our brain.  These positive messages will eventually become part of our feelings and beliefs.  We can also use positive messages to replace the negative ones.

For example, replace the message “I made a boneheaded mistake, and I am no good at this job,” with “Okay, I made a mistake but I will learn from it, and now I do can a better job.”

You can even begin each day by looking at yourself squarely in the eye in the mirror and giving yourself an affirmation or even a series of them.  We can also keep them as a list in our pocket or on your phone and if we sense we’re feeling kind of down on ourselves, we can grab them and immediately fight back against the negative self-defeating thoughts we might be having.  The following simple affirmations can help you to work towards better self-esteem:

• I am likeable

• I have lots of skills and abilities

• I can be strong, confident and able when I need to

• Mistakes are just a necessary prelude to achievement

• I am competent, smart and able

• I accept myself just as I am

• Life is what it is and a lot of it is pretty darn good

• I am growing and changing for the better

• My life is about me, not other people

6. See Yesterday with a Kinder Eye

Sometimes we may not like ourselves because of our past actions and behaviours. It’s super important though to maybe cut yourself some slack about long past history.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and perhaps it’s not fair to judge our past based on what we know now.    In your past, you may not have always acted kindly toward others.  Perhaps you acted selfishly, maybe in defensive or even hostile ways more often than you really care to admit.  But this is all really part of being human — we all make mistakes with others and we may not always act in the best ways we could.   But to put it bluntly?   We can’t change it!  The past is the past and we can only learn from it.   Repeat this message to yourself when you feel bad about the past:

You did the best you could with what you had at the time!

The best thing to do is to maybe actually embrace your past, even with all of our faults and mistakes.    Look at your past without judgement, with the intention of learning from your actions and behaviours.   No one is perfect and we’ve all made mistakes in some way shape or form.

7. Like Most of Yourself

Is it really reasonable to expect to like all 100% of yourself, all of the time?   Probably not, because, we’re all human, we’re all flawed and we’re all imperfect. Let’s say that again.  We’re all human, flawed and imperfect.  So really, maybe its OK to only like 75 or  80% of ourselves on any particular day?    You can still live a really good and maybe even great life when you think ‘only’ 80% of you is awesome.  80% is a pretty good place to be.  It also gives us some room to improve and grow. Growing and changing and adapting is really the very nature of being human.  Being imperfect gives us something to shoot for!

 

Having a good level of self-esteem is really super important to our overall well-being.  Getting there can be difficult for some people though; especially if you’ve endured having low self-esteem for a long time, maybe even all of your life.  Working with a therapist can really make the journey to self-improvement less bumpy. A therapist can help by listening, clarifying and strategizing with you to help improve your self-esteem and your life.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring therapy to improve your self-esteem, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

And here’s another blog with some quick tips to reduce self-doubt https://roberthammel.com/3-ways-to-overcome-self-doubt/

Filed Under: Addiction, Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, Depression, General, Self-Esteem, Trauma

Four Ways To Increase Your Happiness

by 1 Comment

Happiness is a very popular subject in our modern world.   There are countless books in your local bookstore, shelf after shelf of titles, all professing to have “the secret” to happiness.  Why do we have such a fascination and maybe even obsession with finding happiness?

Research from the field of positive psychology explores the concept of happiness and defines a happy person as someone who feels frequent positive emotions, such as joy and a greater overall sense of pleasure/contentment.   Happy people aren’t just happier, they are also less troubled and experience the negative emotions, such as anxiety, sadness, and anger less frequently.  Greater happiness has also been related to life satisfaction/appreciation of life and numerous studies have also shown that happier individuals are also more successful across multiple life domains —including marriage, friendship, income, work performance, and health  (Lyubomirsky et al., 2005).

Research has also suggested that happiness doesn’t just feel good, it is also linked to other huge benefits such as less disease, lower stress, better heart health, better immune-system function and even a longer life!   So then, if it’s that important, why does happiness seem to be kind of a slippery concept that escapes and eludes so many people?

In our not too distant past, humans were busy running and hiding from animals that wanted to eat us and when we weren’t running and hiding, we were searching for food.  We didn’t have the time or energy to be concerned with whether or not we were happy.  But now, thanks to the wonders of modern life, like wonderfully abundant food, fewer hungry sabre tooth tigers, and modern medicine, life has gotten much, much, much easier.   Modern humans have considerably extended their lifespans and we now have the time to belly button gaze and explore deeper philosophical issues like, what is happiness?  We have also evolved giant intelligent and logical brains with which we can explore our world and wonder why we aren’t happier?

But What Is Happiness?  

We certainly feel happy emotions when we are spending time with the people we love.  When we’re enjoying activities like listening to music or exercising, spending time in nature or relaxing with a book in front of the fireplace.  We feel happy when we’re watching a funny movie (Monty Python anyone?) or eating our favourite food at our favourite restaurant. But perhaps happiness is more than just a temporary emotion because emotions are often short-lived and transient.

So how can we look at happiness differently then?

Happiness is maybe better seen as a “state of mind” involving our perceptions, our feelings, our consciousness and even more importantly, having a sense of intentionality and purpose.   Happiness can maybe best seen as something deliberate, intentional and strategic. This is good news for us because it means we can purposely make good choices that lead us to a more positive state of mind & happiness.  We can also look to the people who seem to be naturally happy and even learn and mimic what they do!

And here are four things that they do differently:

1) They Understand Growth is Often Unpleasant or Even Sometimes Painful!

Many people play life really, really safe. They go to the same job every day for 30 years even though they don’t like it,  they eat the same foods at the same restaurants, vacation every single year at the same time and place, and spend their free time with the same people doing the same things.   But sustained happiness is perhaps about not always being so secure, safe and settled. It’s maybe about self-discovery and growth, which by definition demands a life lived outside of your comfort zone!

A friend and I were having a discussion a little while ago about how, when we’re on a vacation, in a new place with new surroundings and people, we really and truly feel more alive and happy!   How did you feel the last time you were on vacation in a new place?  Did you feel more vital and alive?     I think that’s maybe because we’re fully outside our comfort zone in those new situations and places, our brain is highly stimulated and we sense and feel that everything is fresh and exciting.  We feel alive, and when we feel alive, maybe we feel happier?

The ancient Greeks described happiness as:

…the joy that we feel when we’re striving after our potential.

Can you truly be happy if you dislike your job and you’re just biding your time until retirement, or if your marriage is stale and feels disconnected, or if you have no hobbies or interests that you’re truly passionate about?   Probably not.   So maybe we need to steadily strive for things outside of our comfort zone to grow emotionally and feel happy?

2) They Are Curious

Part of getting out of our comfort zone is being curious.  A 2007 study found that happy people seem to have an instinctive grasp of the fact that happiness requires growth and frequently adventuring outside the confines of your comfort zone. Happy people are curious about life and their world.  Researchers Todd Kashdan and Michael Steger found that when their study participants monitored their everyday activities, those who regularly felt curious on a given day also reported more frequent growth-oriented behaviors, experienced a greater presence of feelings of “life meaning”,  life satisfaction and happiness and also engaged in the highest number of happiness creating activities, such as communicating gratitude to a co-worker or freely volunteering to help others.    Being curious also predicted greater persistence of meaning in life from one day to the next.  So by being curious every day maybe we can actually feel more happiness and satisfaction with life!    So making an effort to be curious and exploring your world every day can make you happier!

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

Dalai Lama

3) They Don’t Worry Or Fret About the Details

The book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” was super popular a while ago, and yes, at first glance, it does seem to be a strategy that’s maybe just a little too simplistic, however, it can really be an important part of our overall happiness strategy.    Happy people don’t worry about the small stuff and they really try to not be overly perfectionistic.  Rather, they often hold a less serious attitude about their performance.   Psychology research from Shigehiro Oishi and his colleagues (2007) has actually found that the happiest people, defined as those who scored higher on measures of life satisfaction, typically didn’t perform quite as well as more moderately happy people in life accomplishments like grades, school attendance, or even high work salaries.  So perhaps, always striving for achievements and perfection may somehow even make us less happy?

This is not to say that we should stop trying our best in life. But it does suggest that maybe it’s okay to surrender some degree of achievement if it means letting go of the fretting, worry and perfectionism that steals some of our happiness.  Like many things in life, maybe it’s really about finding a healthy balance between endeavouring for achievement and being more relaxed and untroubled?

4)  They Explore & Accept Their Feelings

You would think that really happy people are always happy all of the time, but that really doesn’t seem to be the case at all.  Truly happy people recognize the reality that every life has its share of disappointments, obstacles, frustrations and problems.   They accept this reality and have reasonable expectations of their world.   Like Ella Fitzgerald sang:

Into each life some rain must fall…

Psychologically healthy people are those that understand the importance of actually paying attention to and feeling their genuine emotions even if they aren’t always positive.  Happy people don’t deny or ignore their disagreeable or uncomfortable emotions.  They realize that negative emotions and “bad feelings” are a normal part of everyone’s life.  Everyones.   Rather than denying these feelings, they instead try to manage their negative emotions with positive coping strategies, like physical exercise, or therapy, or hobbies, or yoga, or mindfulness, etc.  They also realize that negative feelings and emotions are perhaps signs that we need to make life changes or that we may need to make better or different choices in the future.

For instance, a happy person might feel upset, sad, angry and jealous because a coworker got a promotion and they didn’t.  Happy people don’t immerse themselves in this “woe is me” feeling.  They don’t get stuck in those negative feelings of angry jealousy. They see these emotions as a sign that maybe they could have done something differently to achieve a more desirable outcome in their own life, like working harder or smarter, or that maybe the job that they’re in isn’t a good a fit, as they aren’t really progressing up the ladder.  They also try their best to navigate around their own negative feelings and instead try to feel good for their coworker and even congratulate and support them!

Looking at another scenario, perhaps if we feel anger towards someone, it’s really a sign that maybe we’re overreacting to something, or that perhaps we need to set stronger boundaries and protect ourselves better from someone who is harming us in some way.

Regardless of the emotion felt, happy people, realize that life sometimes presents us with negative situations, people and feelings and that maybe these are things that can actually help us grow and change for the better?  The important thing is to feel your feelings and not hide from them!

If you’ve always been someone who shies away from feeling their negative emotions or even denies or hides from them, it may seem difficult to actually start to feel your feelings. A therapist can help you get better acquainted with the full range of your emotional life and can even suggest some tools and strategies that can help you understand, accept and navigate your emotions in the future.

 

Finally, here are some wonderful books to further explore your own personal journey to happiness:

 

 

References

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, General, Self-Esteem

Why Do We Judge Others & How Do We Stop?

by 2 Comments

One of the things most of us are taught as children is to never judge other people.

We’re told…    “Don’t judge a book by its cover!”

Then, our adolescence is really all about judgments, learning to form our own opinions and perceptions apart from others;  learning to separate from our parents and judge the world through our own eyes.  We are also supposed to learn how to be accepting and open towards others and their different ideas, opinions and worldviews.  We’re told that we should walk a mile in another’s shoes before we judge them!

And yet, despite our best efforts, many of us still fall into the trap of judging others throughout our lives, even though we know we probably shouldn’t!

An investigation from researcher Dustin Wood at Wakefield University shows that people who are overly judgemental and critical tend to be more self-centred and even anti-social in their overall behaviours, while those who are less judgemental, actually tend to be happier, more kind-hearted and actually more emotionally stable!  This study also found that how positively you see other people actually reveals how satisfied you are with your own life, and how much you are liked by others.

So maybe learning not to judge others may actually improve our own life in some ways?  If we make an effort to see others in the best light we may actually end up happier ourselves?  Positivity and acceptance may be contagious!

But the reality is many of us often default to judging others.    So why do we do that?  Why do we judge others, often before we even get to know them?

It’s Natural to Make “Snap Judgements”

Our everyday world is chockfull of stimuli.  Our brain is constantly hit with hundreds of things every minute to process and to do that we make “snap judgements” to help it all make sense.    With all of this data coming in all the time we need to quickly simplify and structure the world so we can understand it better.    Unfortunately, though, this inclination towards making snap judgements and to quickly pigeonhole things as quickly as we can, may sometimes cause us to make judgments in error.

These quick judgements may lead us to judge people in a negative light before we truly get to know who they are as human beings.   How many times have you formed an opinion of someone based on a quick conversation or even based on how they look or how they were dressed?  Only to find out later that our assumption was totally wrong!    We may make snap judgements to simplify our world and “save brain power”, but doing so may cause us to view others inaccurately and maybe even harm potential new relationships.

It May Make Us Feel Superior

The truth is, sometimes judging others comes from our own insecurities and our own deep-seated fears of being flawed in some fundamental way.  Sometimes, tearing others down is a way some may use to prop themselves up. By judging others in a negative light, we compare ourselves to them and we may then find ourselves looking “better” in some way or another.  Compared to their life, their bank account, their house, their car, their education, their job, their behaviour, their body, their wife or husband, we may look pretty good!

But these kinds of comparisons are hollow, empty and even maybe unhealthy. We should use our own unique goals and progress in life as our measuring yardstick.   Instead, we let this comparison to others determine how well we’re doing!  We create a false sense of superiority when we spend our time locating the faults of others.  We decide, maybe even subconsciously to some degree, that as long as others are flawed, even slightly more than we are,  we can relax and feel more justified in our own shortcomings and failures to meet our own goals.   Instead of spending the time and effort finding these “shortcomings” in others, we would surely do much better to focus on how we can become our best selves?

“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
Jiddu Krishnamurti

It Can Make Us Feel Like We’re Part of a Group

Judging others can also make us feel like we’re included as part of a group.    For instance, let’s look at a work situation where one person judges a co-worker regarding some behaviour or action or whatever — then they tell someone else and this person tells someone else, and so forth and so on.   All of a sudden a group-think has formed around this judgmental negativity.  A group forms around “picking on someone”.     

A great example are the cliques and “in-groups” that form in every junior high school.  No one judges quite like an insecure middle schooler!  These cliques are based on judging other’s behaviour, appearance, socio-economic status, etc etc.   It feels good to be a part of a group and included, but often, and sadly, this kind of negativity is often at the expense of another.   

It May Actually Help Us Understand Ourselves Better

Interestingly, judging others can also be a way to help us understand the world and ourselves better. When we explore our relationships with others and form opinions, we are also able to recognize what is important to us, what we value and what may bother us or push our buttons. 

 “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” 

Carl Jung

Judging may even help us explore our own faults and weaknesses.   Oftentimes, we are bothered by the qualities in others that we would prefer not to see in ourselves!   We are upset by another’s attitudes, character or even their lifestyle choices because they may be the very ones we dislike in ourselves.   For instance, if we notice someone in our life is a little short tempered or maybe whiny, or braggadocious, and it really bothers us?   We may want to be brave and take a deep, deep breath and look at ourselves and see if sometimes our own behaviours are similar and see if it’s something we may want to change ourselves.     

 

Breaking the Judgement Habit 

So how do we stop making these critical and shallow judgements of others? 

“The answer is that we are not helpless in the face of our first impressions. They may bubble up from the unconscious – from behind a locked door inside of our brain – but just because something is outside of awareness doesn’t mean it’s outside of control.”   

Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking 

If you’ve recognized that you may have an inclination toward judging others and really many of us do, here are some three strategies to start breaking the habit:

  • Really make an honest effort to try to walk a mile in another’s shoes and understand where other people are really coming from, and why they may act or look the way they do.  Understanding and empathy are crucial to stopping our judgement cycle.   Realize being human is being flawed — that absolutely no-one is perfect and therefore we should really, really try to have realistic expectations of others.
  • Try to explore and recognize your own self-doubts and uncertainties, especially if you recognize them in others and they irk you!    Recognize your own faults and work on improving yourself and building your own self-confidence instead of tearing others down.
  • Explore and examine your friendships and connections with others at work and other places. Are they based on positivity or are they maybe about judging or even actively criticizing and judging others?  If its the latter, ask yourself if this is really how you want your life to look and maybe instead focus on building connections based on positivity, empathy and mutual respect.

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird 

If you find that you have a tendency towards judging others and it’s affecting your life in negative ways or maybe you feel that maybe it’s kind of due to your own feelings of low self-esteem, it may help to speak with a therapist who can help you learn to grow and change in helpful ways.

Filed Under: General, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

The Emotional Challenges of Being a Stay-at-Home Parent

by 2 Comments

From personal experience, I can tell you that being a stay-at-home parent can be one of the most wonderful and rewarding things you may ever, ever, do, but it can also be incredibly emotional, stressful and challenging.  It starts with caring for the every need of helpless little wiggly creatures… and dealing with colds and flus and teething, and colic and nightmares and diaper rash.     Then there’s the guilt and worry about not being able to provide financially for your family and about being dependent on your spouse for financial support.   Then there can also be feelings of boredom, loneliness and wondering if you’re doing the right thing.  Sometimes you can really feel stuck and alone in the four walls of your home.

Let’s explore some of the common emotional challenges that come along with being a stay-at-home parent:

Not Finishing or Feeling Defeated Before You Even Start

Before you stayed home, you were always really on top of things.  You worked full time, you worked hard and you were damn good at it — you also managed to keep the bills paid, the house clean and have the laundry done as well.   You made it to the gym 3 or 4 times a week (maybe 2 or 3?) and even had time to go out with your friends for a few pints on “Wings Wednesday” or to that oh so relaxing yoga class.

Now it seems like you can’t finish… one…  single… darn… thing…

There is a dried coffee stain on the counter that’s been there for weeks, there is a load of laundry getting wrinklier and wrinklier in the drier, and the vacuum cleaner itself…  actually needs dusting!    The bills have piled up because money and time are tight and you may or may not have fed the dog today.

One of the best ways to start dealing with this long list of things to do is to slow down and realize that it’s perfectly normal for parents, especially new parents, to have to change the order of the priorities on their to-do list — and to really take a deep breath and let some things go, so you can focus on the more important things, like keeping your kids alive, happy and comfortable.

It’s about realizing that coffee ring on the counter isn’t really hurting anyone and you’ll get to it sometime.   It’s realizing that it’s totally normal and OK and helpful to let go of the expectations that you had on yourself before children.    A happy, healthy child and a happy healthy mommy or daddy are much, much more important than a freshly cleaned house.  Be realistic in your expectations and whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to others who may look like they have it together on the outside, as you never know… maybe they are about to implode!

Maybe it’s OK to be creative and spend that extra money for a weekly grocery delivery or a having a service do a deep clean once a month, even if it would make your grandmother roll over in her grave to find out you used a maid.   This is not the time to worry about how your mother, or friends, or that perfect TV family parented and kept their house.   Be your own kind of parent!  Do what works for you!  Set your own standards!

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help!  See if a friend or family member can swing by and watch the kids while you spend an hour or two a week grocery shopping.  This will help you fill the fridge and also maybe give you some alone time!

And finally, be kind to yourself.  Don’t be hard on yourself if things aren’t perfect and try to just let go of some of those expectations (and especially if those expectations are the perfectionist, archetypal June Cleaver kind from the 1950’s).   Make the effort to change your self-talk and mindset, and maybe just learn how to be OK with unfinished chores and long lasting coffee rings.  Ask yourself: Does it really matter in the big picture? Really?  I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that there are some things, maybe even lots of things, that are perhaps, maybe, possibly okay to just let go?

Isolation, Desolation, Loneliness and Boredom

You were once surrounded by people in your office (and you maybe even liked some of them?).  There were long Monday morning coffee breaks and lunches out with other adults that you could laugh and talk and argue politics with.  Your job kept you intellectually challenged — heck,  keeping track of the office politics alone probably kept your mind busy!

Now you spend many days looking for lost socks and you may actually find yourself giving the sock the “what for”,  telling it out loud how disappointed in its behaviour you are when you find it in the couch cushions!

Being a stay-at-home parent can be especially isolating, and especially so, if you were an extrovert or a social butterfly in your previous work-life.  And though raising children is very heart filling and rewarding, there are plenty of days when you won’t speak to a single adult all day, or feel intellectually challenged, even a little bit;  the boredom can feel mind-numbing sometimes.

Though it isn’t always easy finding the time to nurture your social and cerebral needs, it’s really super important that you try to make socializing and using your brain a priority.    Make the effort to plan and execute regular grown-up gatherings with friends and families with and without the children.  Maybe join a book club or take a class once a week (or an online class) if you need a challenge for your brain.  Maybe join the soccer or softball “beer league” in your neighbourhood, or take those golf or tennis lessons you’ve always meant to take. Plan a get together with other stay-at-home parents, or join a mom and tots group, or one of the groups that go mall walking with their wee ones.     Make it a true priority to get that social interaction and mental stimulation.   Making an effort to find other adults to interact with and ways to support each other can be an important way to fight off loneliness and maintain our stay at home parent mental wellness.

Another great resource is to find online support groups or forums like the ones on Facebook where you can interact and connect with other stay at homers that are in the same boat as you.

Doubting Your Parenting 

When you’re a stay-at-home parent, you seemingly eat, sleep, and breathe being a parent.  From first thing in the morning until the last thoughts before sleep, somedays there is almost no break from it.  It can really be all-encompassing, which makes it very easy to become somewhat obsessed and worried that maybe you’re not really doing a good job.     It doesn’t help that the interwebz is full of “helicopter parenting” blogs, articles and advice columns that have totally wacky super high expectations that no parent, anywhere, actually meets, or could possibly ever meet.   You may begin to really start questioning every little parenting decision you make and wonder if you’re harming your little dumpling’s emotional and intellectual development.  I mean really, you’ve only read the 20 latest, greatest parenting books and you only have them in Gymboree once a week, playschool twice a week or maybe you got angry with them and raised your voice last week and you still feel a bit guilty.

A great way to deal with this doubt is by connecting with other stay-at-home parents in person or in an online chat room.  These connections can really help you gain perspective on your situation.

Also when you find yourself beginning to worry and obsess, maybe step back and look at the “bigger picture”.   Ask yourself:  “Is my family happy and healthy?”  Am I worried about something truly important, or am I “just worrying”?

Do some research and really know what is normal child development at various stages.  The more you know about what is “normal” the more you can relax and realize that you’re really doing just fine!   Here is a link to a great site that has The Developmental Stages laid out really well — Developmental Stages, Tasks and Milestones

Cut yourself some slack and be the parent you want to be, not the unrealistic ideal parent that we think we NEED to be.  Here’s a really great irreverent and funny book on being the best parent you can and allaying some of those doubts:

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by  Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alicia Ybarbo and Mary Ann Zoellner 

Special Challenges for Stay at Home Dads — The Stigma

At a few points during my parenting years, I was a stay at home dad.  I was even a stay at home dad with a shiny, fresh newborn!  So I know personally that being a stay at home dad has a few special challenges.  Maybe most importantly is realizing that the sexist system that has held down women in the workplace (and elsewhere!), also takes pot shots at you if you’re a stay at home dad and you’re not in the workplace where you belong.   You’ll get questioned by family and friends who might be surprised or even judgemental about what you’re doing.

You might get comments and questions like:

YOU’RE stying at home?  (said with skepticism and incredulity)

Are you actually changing dirty diapers and cleaning the house?  (again skepticism and incredulity)

So you’re Mr. Mom now?!?!?  (yup, more, skepticism and incredulity)

Wow. Do you know what you’re doing?  (like a man just isn’t capable of childcare)

Must be great to not have to go to work?  (because childcare isn’t work?!?!?)

Did you lose your job?  (seriously?)

Being a stay a stay at home dad has the added difficulty of challenging a very set and very archaic social rule.  Men work and women care for babies.  A stay at home dad breaks this rule and this can leave the dad feeling socially judged and maybe even ostracised for not being a “real man”.  No matter how hard a man tries, it’s hard not to feel this kind of social pressure and not feel stigmatized.   This added pressure can really make a stay at home dad begin to question their choice in takig the parenting role.  They can also feel the stress of putting their career on hold because, well, men just don’t do that.  They feel like they are spinning their wheels or falling behind.  For all of these reasons being a stay at home dad can be a stressful experience.

One of the best things a stay at home dad can do to allay these feelings is to get support!   Having open-minded, supportive and encouraging people to talk to can be a great help.    A great resource for stay at home dads is the Stay at Home Dad Network that has great information and online support groups.

Motherism?  There’s a Stigma for Stay At Home Moms Too!

Just like there is a social and cultural stigma for stay at home dads, one exists for stay at home moms too!   Mom’s who stay at home and put their career on hold can also feel prejudiced against.   Although feminism is a wonderful thing, it also has sprouted some unhealthy ideas and thoughts.  Women who stay at home often feel they are looked down on by others who make a different choice and stay at work, a word coined for this is motherism.   UK Researcher and Psychologist Dr. Aric Sigman, addressing a conference organised by the Mothers At Home Matter group stated that:

The implication is that by being a full-time mother you are “subjugated and servile” and even sexually unattractive once you are a mother – a quality only associated with women who return to work with their high heels and clipboards.’

Motherhood must not hide its light under a bushel. Greater maternal contact in the early years, especially during infancy, is greatly advantageous to the child.

 

So whether you’re a stay at home dad or mom you may find you may experience some social friction from colleagues, friends and family.  The best way to deal with this perhaps is to really stay strong and positive about the choice you’ve made to stay home.   If you truly value the stay at home parent role?  Stick to your guns and defend it!   Regardless of what society says, you made the choice to spend that crucial one on one time with your children and why waste your effort and emotional energy worrying about self-doubt, or what other people think?   Also get support!  Find an in person or online stay at home parent support group — there is strength in numbers and it’s super helpful being around people who really understand what it takes to stay home!

 

If you’re really stressed and overwrought though, sometimes, talking with a third party, like a therapist, can help you gain perspective on your life and how being a stay-at-home parent may be affecting you.   If you’re interested in talking to someone, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

 

 

References:

Harding Eleanor.   The rise of ‘motherism’: Stay-at-home mothers face prejudice assuming they are lazy, stupid and unattractive, expert warns. http://www.dailymail.co.uk//news/article-2469315/Dr-Aric-Sigman-Stay-home-mums-face-prejudice-assuming-lazy-stupid.html#ixzz50hOXNdlT    http://mothersathomematter.co.uk/

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Teens/Children

What is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)? Are you one?

by 1 Comment

Some people just seem to be more sensitive to their environment than others — they are just more “high-strung” and aware or “sensitive” to what’s around them.   For whatever reason, these people just tend to be more sensitive than their friends,  or even than their brothers and sisters.   They are really affected by the world around them and sometimes they can’t get through a movie or even a sappy TV commercial without feeling emotional or even shedding a few tears.    The type of TV commercials about abused animals or poverty in a third world country can actually affect them deeply on a visceral level.  They can also really be affected by violent TV shows or the news.

Judgement or criticism from others really affects them and may even cause them to feel real emotional pain even if the critique is actually fairly innocuous.   They are also often very empathic and try to be kind, considerate and accommodating to those around them, sometimes even to their own detriment.

Often these people are told, “You’re way too sensitive!” or “Why do you let everything bother you so much?”   The reality is that some people are simply just more sensitive than others.  Sometimes they are not only sensitive to emotional situations, but also to loud noise/sound, bright or sudden light, and even other physical stimuli around them like the smell of a strong overpowering perfume someone in the elevator is wearing.

A popular term that is used in the current vernacular is that these people are, literally, called, Highly Sensitive People, or HSP for short.   People who are HSP might react very strongly and negatively to a mildly difficult social situation, a loud noise or a strong smell that most people would barely pick up on their radar.

There is solid psychological research showing that being an HSP is certainly a “real thing” and is likely a certain “personality trait” known as “Sensory Processing Sensitivity” (SPS) that was really first discovered by personality researchers Aron and Aron in 1997.

Research suggests that Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), is found in about 20% of humans and in over 100 other animal species!    There is even fMRI brain scanning research showing that people with Sensory Processing Sensitivity even have brains that are much more likely to have recurrent activation in the regions involved in environmental attention and awareness, “emotional meaning making” and empathy (Acevedo, et. Al. 2014).

Why does it happen?

Evolutionarily speaking, HSP appears to be an adaptation to our environment that is designed and intended to help us survive as a species (Aron and Aron 1997).   By being more aware of and reactive to our environment, we gain an enhanced awareness of environmental possibilities and opportunities.   Being sensitive to our environment can help us in finding and accessing food sources and helps us to be more aware of threats from predators and other environmental dangers.

Being sensitive and socially aware of the nuances of human relationships can help us relate to others better and consequently have better success choosing and keeping mates, creating stronger social connections/alliances and forming stronger community bonds.   Awareness of our surroundings and creating community are some of the things that have allowed humans to thrive.  Unfortunately, people who are HSP may have too much of a good thing.  Their over-sensitivity to the environment may actually hinder their relationships and complicate their lives.

Might You Be a Highly Sensitive Person?

Do the following signs/characteristics seem familiar to you?

  • Sensitivity to criticism   Almost all criticism feels personal and even painful.   To many HSP’s there is no such thing as constructive criticism.   You are not able to let criticism “roll off your shoulders” as others seem to do.  Unfortunately, this can make you too much of a “people pleaser” and you may find it hard to set boundaries and limits with others.
  • You find it difficult to be watched when you “perform” or do something   You dislike doing things in public where you might be watched, critiqued or judged by others
  • You feel “overly” emotional in numerous situations in your life   Both positive or negative emotions are experienced intensely and you react strongly to them.
  • Sometimes you feel alone   Because other people may have told you that you need to “stop being so sensitive” or to “toughen up,” you see yourself as overly sensitive and judge yourself as inadequate or different and consequently you feel isolated or alone.
  • You’re very compassionate and generous   You have a high degree of empathy and try to offer help to those who hurt or suffer.  You’re really the person the cliché “walk a mile in another’s shoes was written for”.   You really go out of your way to avoid offending, insulting or hurting others feelings.
  • You’re especially sensitive to all kinds of external stimuli.   You seem to notice that the sounds of the nearby street are distracting, or that the overhead fluorescent lights are really “flickery”, annoying and loud.   Driving in fast heavy traffic may make you feel overstimulated.  Even noticing small things like the rough fabric of a shirt or being slightly cold in a room may make you feel much more uncomfortable than most people.
  • You notice how your body “feels” a lot of the time   You’re attuned to your body’s internal sensations and feelings.  You really feel being tired, cold, hungry, sad, anxious or worried.
  • Your emotions are “reactive”   Your personal feelings are often very strong and seem to always be there on the surface for you to think about.   You also have persistent reactions to what others around you are going through emotionally.  When your feelings and emotions about yourself and others come on so very strong, it’s really hard to ignore them or “put them away”.
  • You over analyze, overthink and worry too much   You seem to notice every little detail and spend too much time overthinking what should be a simple decision, like which laundry detergent to buy in the supermarket.  You also sometimes get stuck worrying about the future and spend a lot of time wondering:  “What if this or that happens, what if, what if, what if?”   (Here’s a link to a previous blog with some ways to start to change that overthinking pattern https://roberthammel.com/strategy-reducing-anxiety-worry-cbt-therapy/).
  • You’re really affected by making any bad decisions   When you finally do make a decision, and it turns out to be a bad one, you really take it hard. You really beat yourself up for making even the smallest mistakes.  This can create a vicious cycle that slows down your decision-making process even more — you learn that even small bad decisions affect you greatly, so you have to be super cautious making all decisions, even those small ones.
  • You may be quite sensitive to caffeine or other stimulants. 
  • You often feel fatigued or tired and often feel a sense of being overwhelmed   Because you deal intensely with your own and even other people’s emotions, and you feel a high degree of stimulation from the environment — a good part of the time — you may feel overwhelmed by all of it and feel as though you need may need to unplug or recharge more often than others.
  • You are especially polite.   Your sensitivity and awareness of the emotions of others make you very well mannered. You pay close attention to how you affect the people around you and you are very giving and “nice”.  You also get very irritated when other people are seen to be inconsiderate or ill-mannered.
  • Your mood can be significantly affected when you’re cold, hot, hungry or tired.
  • You find it really hard to say no   Because you don’t want to offend others or hurt their feelings you find it hard to say no and you often say yes when you really don’t want to.  This can leave us feeling “put out”, overwhelmed and even resentful.
  • You may be considered “artistic” and highly moved by art, nature, movies, literature etc.

If you have a good number of these characteristics, you may just be an HSP and possibly have the kind of brain that might be prone to experiencing Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS).   The only way to really tell for sure though is to meet with a qualified individual like a Psychologist who can help you explore this further.

So, What Can You Do If You Are an HSP or experience a number of these characteristics?

Being an HSP is not an easy row to hoe sometimes.  It can be difficult to have such a strong emotional connection to your world — but there are some things you can start to do for yourself to make it a bit easier:

  • Reframe your sensitivity as a positive — i.e. it’s a positive to be empathic and caring with others
  • Realize people and even the world itself are imperfect and it’s OK to make mistakes and bad decisions once in a while
  • Realize being HSP makes you unique and special and not less than others
  • Develop a sense of acceptance of who you are and remind yourself there is nothing wrong with you
  • Learn to set boundaries with people who may “take advantage” of your kindness.  Learn to say NO… politely.
  • Learn who you are and what your needs truly are.
  • Try relaxation strategies like deep breathing, physical exercise and meditation to lower your arousal
  • Have realistic expectations on yourself and cut yourself some slack
  • Limit being in highly stimulating environments and learn your sensitivity limits
  • Avoid negative ways to reduce environmental stimulation like overeating, drugs and alcohol
  • Be kind to yourself and give yourself the same empathy and kindness you give to other people
  • Realize it’s OK to take time alone to recharge and rest
  • Realize that as you grow and learn throughout your life — you can develop coping mechanisms to help you live in better ways and have HSP affect you less and less
  • Consider seeing a therapist if being HSP really affects how you want to live your life

If you find yourself feeling lots of anxiety or even feel depressed because of your emotional sensitivity — maybe it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist and find some effective coping strategies.

 

References:

Acevedo, B. P., Aron, E. N., Aron, A., Sangster, M.-D., Collins, N., & Brown, L. L. (2014). The highly sensitive brain: an fMRI study of sensory processing sensitivity and response to others’ emotions. Brain and Behavior, 4(4), 580–594. http://doi.org/10.1002/brb3.242

Aron, Elaine N. and Aron, Arthur Sensory-Processing Sensitivity and Its Relation to Introversion and Emotionality.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Copyright 1997 by the American Psychological Association, Inc. 1997, Vol. 73, No. 2, 345-368

Aron, E.N.  The highly sensitive person (HarperCollins Publishers Ltd, 1999)

Filed Under: Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, General, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

7 Ways to Help Overcome Codependency

by 24 Comments

Do you feel like you are always trying to please others and in doing so, you neglect your own needs?   Do you find you that you often find yourself accepting the responsibility for a loved one’s emotions or behaviours?

Is it hard to set effective boundaries and limits with others? Do you often feel mostly negative and unhappy but still have difficulty stepping away from what’s become a dysfunctional relationship? Are you overly emotionally reactive to relationship problems and conflicts?

Codependency can be defined as an ongoing pattern of behaviour in which you find yourself becoming overly dependent on approval from those close to you — where you depend on a relationship or intimate partner to define your own sense of self-worth and even your identity.  Where it seems we can only really see ourselves through the eyes of another.

A red flag that often signifies codependency is when your purpose in life seems to be focused on your relationship and partner’s needs — where you find yourself always making significant sacrifices to maintain the relationship and to meet your partner’s needs.  It’s where our own individual fulfilment becomes highly dependent on your partner and relationship — where we find ourselves losing our own sense of independence or self-sufficiency.

People who experience and struggle with codependency often have childhoods that contain emotional abuse or neglect; childhoods where they do not have their emotional needs met by the people closest to them.  Their parents are often abusive, neglectful or selfish —- centring on their own needs and not their child’s.   This creates an ingrained pattern of behaviour in which the individual repeats their childhood pattern of trying to construct and maintain a relationship even when their partner is very difficult,  checked out and emotionally unavailable.

Codependent people often display some of these signs:

  1. Find it hard to set boundaries and limits with others, often to their own detriment
  2. Are “people pleasers”, often to their own detriment
  3. Need a sense of control and predictivity in relationships
  4. Are caretakers and often put others in front of their own needs
  5. Find it very hard to express their own needs, feelings and thoughts
  6. Are dependent on others and have a great fear of rejection
  7. Have low self-esteem and fear of failure,  being judged by others or making mistakes
  8. Problems being intimate, open and honest in relationships
  9. Are often in denial about their codependency
  10. Often struggle with symptoms of stress, anger, anxiety and depression
  11. Are very unsettled by arguments, disagreements and conflicts
  12. Give too much time effort and energy in a relationship

These are some of the signs of codependency.  Codependent people look to social cues from other people to tell them:

 

What they should feel

 

What they should need

 

What they should behave like

 

While most would agree that sensitivity to others is a wonderful and positive trait, people who are codependent often take it to an extreme, largely because of an inability to create healthy boundaries.  They lose themselves in trying to meet the needs of others and have very few of their own boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are super important. Boundaries draw a line of separation and responsibility between our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours — and the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of others.    Because these boundaries are blurred or missing, people who are codependent may experience high levels of stress, anger, resentment, anxiousness and even symptoms of depression.

While it may take time to break long-standing patterns of codependency, there are things you can do to overcome it.

 

1. Look to Your Past

The first step on your path to rescue is to take a look at your own past to reveal and understand experiences that may have contributed to your codependency.  What is your family history? Is there emotional neglect and abuse?    Were there events that led to you distancing yourself from your true inner emotions and ignoring your own needs?

This can be a difficult process and one that involves thinking about and re-experiencing childhood emotions. You may even find that you feel angry, sad, shameful or guilty as you think about this.

Note: This type of exploration can be very emotional and stressful and is often best done in a safe therapy relationship.

 2. Recognize Denial

The second step to healing is to really be frank with yourself and recognize the problem.  There probably a very good chance you have intellectualized and justified your codependence over time.  While it can feel scary to admit to being codependent and/or involved in a dysfunctional relationship, honesty with yourself is really the first step toward healing.

 3. Detach and Disentangle Yourself

In order to truly work on and improve ourselves, we have to first disconnect from the things we are troubled with. Personal growth will require giving up our preoccupation and over-involvement with trying to control, rescue, or change others and our defaulting to always trying to please someone else.

This means taking a deep breath, letting go and acknowledging we cannot fix problems that are not necessarily ours to fix.  What problems do we “own” and what problems are “owned” by others in our lives?   It’s about really trying to differentiate where you end and others begin.

4. Practice Self-care

Giving up your attempts to constantly please others is a good start to healing, but learning self-care is absolutely necessary as well.   It’s super important that you really begin to explore and become aware of your own thoughts, feeling and needs.   We also need to learn how to communicate them to others in our relationships. This may feel very hard and even foreign to us at first as if you are being especially self-centred.    But that’s part of learning how to take care of our own needs.

Self-care means taking care of ourselves physically — eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and going to our doctor and taking any prescribed medications.   Self-care also means caring for ourselves emotionally, making social connections, finding happy positive activities to fill our time, and allowing ourselves emotional downtime and rest if we need it.   It also means really getting in touch and examining our own thoughts, opinions, values, wants and needs — regardless of what other’s opinions are.    Good strategies to do this can be writing and reflecting through the process of journaling, reading appropriate books on self-care, and of course, going to therapy.

To create healthy long-term relationships with others, you must first build a strong one with yourself.

5. Learn to Say No!

One of the best ways you can begin to set healthy boundaries is to learn to say no to situations that are damaging to your own well-being. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become.   We have the right to say no to others and often we don’t need to give them a long explanation.  We have the right to say no to things that are not the best for us.  This is not about being selfish and uncaring towards others — but it’s about setting boundaries and putting our own needs first.

6. Be Kinder to Yourself!

Be kind to yourself!   This is about self-compassion and treating yourself the same way you would treat the others you love!

Here is a good little exercise to try to do this:

Close your eyes and visualize your best friend.

Now imagine they come to you and says they are really hurting because something has really gone sideways in their life.   They’ve lost a job or a relationship is faltering or they’ve “failed” in some way. 

Would you say to them, “Well, it’s probably your fault because you didn’t do this or that” or “You should have tried harder”  or say “It’s because you aren’t good enough or smart enough”

Of course, you wouldn’t say that to a friend.    So why would you say that kind of stuff to yourself?

It’s more likely that you would embrace your friend and say, “That’s terrible. I’m sorry, how can I help”

You really should be kind to yourself in this way, too.    Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who is suffering.  Learn to challenge any negative, critical self-talk, and any negative beliefs about yourself and your self-worth.

 7. Learn Independence

Finally, try separating from others for certain periods of time to create a healthy sense of independence.   Reduce dependence through learning to be alone and actually learning to like it!  People who are codependent often find it very hard to spend time alone without others around.

Find an individual hobby or interest just for you.   Go read in a coffee shop on your own, go the movies alone, go to the gym alone.   Find some ways to create independence and learn to spend time with yourself!

 

Codependency can be changed and healed!   Does changing this part of yourself make you feel uncomfortable?   Perhaps seeking the guidance of a therapist might be beneficial as you work your way through exploring how codependency affects your life.   A good therapist will be able to help you explore your past, your uncomfortable feelings and experiences, and help you learn more healthy ways of relating to yourself and to others.

If you are worried that you or a loved one is codependent and are interested in exploring therapy, please contact me today.   I would be more than happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

 

 

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Couples/Marriage, Relationships, Self-Esteem

3 Ways to Overcome Self-Doubt

by 1 Comment

Self-doubt can be debilitating. It can hold you back from pursuing your dreams and living the life you really want. Self-doubt can also make it hard to complete necessary daily tasks and make simple decisions.

The good news is, it is possible to overcome self-doubt and quiet that negative self-talk. Here’s how:

1. Take Charge Immediately

When inner doubts start to creep up, many people let them spin out of control and fully take over. Once this happens, it’s incredibly difficult to regain control.

It’s important that you take charge immediately and stop the negative talk as soon as it begins. In your mind, speak to yourself and say something like, “No. Nope, we’re not gonna do this.” Should the negative talk start-up seconds later, talk to it again and put it in its place. Be firm with it!   Doing this interrupts your thought patterns – which are basically thought habits – and eventually, your inner self-doubter will realize you’re serious and maybe even retreat.

2. Remember, You Can Always Make Adjustments

Many times, people are so fearful of making mistakes, they take no action toward their goal. But reaching a goal should be thought of as going on a wonderful car trip. You have a map and a basic route planned out, but along the journey, you may decide you want to hop off the highway and try a scenic byway instead. You may decide to backtrack and stop at that cute little souvenir shop. Sure, all of these changes to your initial itinerary may add a little time to your trip, but you’ll still get to your destination. And you’ll get there with more photos and T-shirts and wonderful memories!

Trying to plan every single move you will take to get to your goal can be exhausting and impractical. Just take the first step, then another, and then another… and remember, you can always change your mind and adjust along the way.

3. Talk to Someone

Self-doubt can easily become distorted and exaggerated when you keep all of your thoughts to yourself. But, when you speak to someone and let those thoughts out into the light, you have the chance to hear how exaggerated they may be. Also, talking about your doubts with a therapist who is supportive is a great way to gain a fresh perspective.

If you or a loved one is afflicted with self-doubt and is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Self-Esteem

Creating an Authentic Life

by 2 Comments

So what is an authentic life and why is it so important to our mental health and well-being?  Authenticity as a concept comes from philosophy and existential psychology/psychiatry and really has to do with how well a person is able to be true and honest to one’s own individual needs, personality, temperament, spirit/soul and/or character, despite the extraneous pressures of the outside world.   The modern, outside world puts pressure on us to conform to the world rather than expecting the world to conform to us.

“Authenticity,” as a psychological concept was defined about 15 years ago by psychologists Brian Goldman and Michael Kernis, as:

“the unimpeded operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

While the Encyclopedia of Positive Psychology defines authenticity as:

“Psychological authenticity refers to emotional genuineness, self-attunement, and psychological depth. To be authentic is to live with one’s whole being in the moment, without guile or hidden agendas”

In other words, people who are authentic, live and act in ways that are true to their own sincerest core version of themselves.  They “practice what they preach”.

Authenticity can help you live a fuller and happier life in a few different ways.  Authentic people are usually able to lead more connected lives as their relationships with others tend to be more genuine and authentic as well.    People who are authentic in living their lives also tend to be mentally healthy people because when you live a life true to yourself and your needs this leads you to be more content and comfortable in your own skin.   When your view of self is congruent with how you live your life there is less room for internal conflict and this gives you the room to lead meaningful lives.

When we’re growing up, no one really tells us about the importance of living authentically. We’re told that many other things are much more important, things like always behaving properly, getting good grades, making the sports or debate team, going to the right college and then getting the right degree in the right field and then getting the right job and then starting your RSP’s. We effectively learn to make choices based on what other people and society think we should do rather than on what we think we should do, or even what’s really best for us.

Then suddenly, one day we wake up to find ourselves in unrewarding, thankless jobs and/or in unhappy, empty or unbalanced relationships.   We find ourselves wondering about the lack of meaning in our lives, even though we make six figures and have all the accoutrements of a supposedly good life — like the big house, the right clothes, this seasons $1500 handbag and the new SUV or sports sedan.

At its very essence, authenticity requires us to start to explore our own self-knowledge and self-awareness. And to begin that process of discovery, it takes real courage!   We have to look at ourselves honestly, looking at our life and probing at all of our past life choices. From the moment you ask yourself:

 Am I living an authentic life with purpose and meaning?

 Am I being true to my core self?

 Am I living in accordance with my core beliefs?

 Am I truly acting in authentic, genuine ways with the people around me?

 Can I be myself around others or do I find myself putting on a mask?

By looking at these questions and self-exploration, you can begin a brilliant journey of discovery, self-fulfilment and maybe even end up living a more full and meaningful life.

 Here are some great ways to start on that pathway to authenticity. 

Developing Self-Awareness & Self-Reflectiveness

To be truly authentic you have to be self-aware.  You have to thoughtfully and honestly consider who you really are at your core — and you even have to include and explore the parts of your personality you may not like quite as much.    By engaging in the regular process of self-reflection and introspection you can figure out more about your true self and then discover and plan to live in a way that’s consistent with that self-identity.   Great ways to become more self- aware and reflective can be through:

  1. Going to a good therapist that can help guide you on the journey to self-discovery.
  2. Learning strategies for quiet contemplation, meditation or even regular being in nature can all give us the time for more effective introspection.
  3. Regular journaling can be an excellent way to discover who we truly are. Here is a blog I wrote on journaling. https://roberthammel.com/can-journaling-help-improve-life/

Kindness, Empathy and Compassion

Authentic people tend to be of “good character” and really genuinely care about other people.   One of the best ways to live a truly authentic life is to learn how and why it’s so important to be kind and compassionate to others.  This may mean releasing yourself and others from the insidious and destructive process of holding onto anger or sadness from the past.  It may also mean releasing yourself from judging others and developing a sense of acceptance instead.  Interacting with the others in your life in healthy and empathic ways can truly help us lay the groundwork to living a more meaningful and connected life for yourself.

Develop A Clear Vision and Visualize

You can look at your life and find what hasn’t worked for you in the past, but do you have a clear idea of what it is you really and truly want? Who do you want to be? How do you want to act or look?  Is your job fulfilling, is your marriage a good one, are you a good parent or a good friend?   If not, what career might suit you better? How can you improve your marriage or be a better parent or friend?

You have to really explore, imagine and visualize your authentic life.  Have some fun dreaming about it and fashioning your “new improved self” in your mind.    Visualize as many parts of it as you can and really envisage how it would look and feel if you lived there in those different ways.   Developing a clear and vivid vision of where you’re going, makes it so much easier to get there, and especially if the going gets tough or you have to make some big life changes to be true to yourself.

Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde

Having an Open Mind 

People who make the effort to keep an open mind are also probably better at being authentic.  People who are authentic have truthful beliefs about themselves, their abilities, and their self-worth — an open mind allows you to really see yourself accurately and fairly.  If you see yourself fairly and accurately, then it’s easier to start making the changes you need to examine your beliefs and values and have a happy and mentally healthy life.

Your “life” up until today, was created based on a set of beliefs and thoughts about yourself and the world that you developed and held.  However, maybe you were trying to please other people, like your parents, friends, a spouse or even a boss, rather than being your authentic self.  Or, perhaps others in your life were unkind to you or put you down and this has unfortunately caused you to have flawed, inaccurate views about yourself or the world around you.   To be authentic you need to challenge some of these pre-existing beliefs that may be holding you back and keeping you stuck in an uncomfortable life that may not fit who you are anymore!

“Always be yourself and have faith in yourself. Do not go out and look for a successful personality and try to duplicate it.”    Bruce Lee

With an open mind, you can actually begin to study your thoughts and beliefs and hold them up for a more accurate inspection.  We can try to really see them for what they are.  Maybe you’ve never thought you were talented enough or good enough or smart enough or attractive enough.  Ask yourself why you might believe this flawed view of yourself.  Did this belief truly come from you, or is it from your parents whose expectations were maybe way too high or perhaps from your sixth-grade teacher who challenged and criticized the way you saw the world or thought you were lazy?   Or maybe it was from being bullied or neglected by the cool kids in high school?    Regardless, the point is to really be open to the possibility that the view you take of yourself and your world might actually be flawed and inaccurate.  You may be living based on assumptions about yourself that may not be true.   That critical sixth-grade teacher very well may be wrong about you!

If you take some time for some thoughtful introspection and examination of your beliefs about yourself you can try to understand where they came from and decide if they are truly serving your best interests.  For some, believing a flawed view of themselves can lead to a lifetime of heartache.

Find Some Help

Examining, taking apart your life, and then putting it back together again is no small feat and there may be times you feel upset, angry, sad, frustrated, confused, or even overwhelmed. While friends and family may lend a kind ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on, they can’t necessarily help give you what you need to really examine and then change your life.  A therapist, on the other hand, is a great collaborator to have in exploring and providing practical tools that will help you explore your thoughts, beliefs and emotions and help you on the path to an authentic life.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” — E.E. Cummings

References

Heppner, W. L., & Kernis, M. H. (2007). “Quiet ego” functioning: The complementary roles of mindfulness, authenticity, and secure high self-esteem. Psychological Inquiry, 18(4), 248-251.

Lopez, Shane J. The Encyclopedia of Positive Psychology. Blackwell Publishing, 2009

 

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Depression, General, Self-Esteem