Do you feel like you are always trying to please others and in doing so, you neglect your own needs? Do you find you that you often find yourself accepting the responsibility for a loved one’s emotions or behaviours?
Is it hard to set effective boundaries and limits with others? Do you often feel mostly negative and unhappy but still have difficulty stepping away from what’s become a dysfunctional relationship? Are you overly emotionally reactive to relationship problems and conflicts?
Codependency can be defined as an ongoing pattern of behaviour in which you find yourself becoming overly dependent on approval from those close to you — where you depend on a relationship or intimate partner to define your own sense of self-worth and even your identity. Where it seems we can only really see ourselves through the eyes of another.
A red flag that often signifies codependency is when your purpose in life seems to be focused on your relationship and partner’s needs — where you find yourself always making significant sacrifices to maintain the relationship and to meet your partner’s needs. It’s where our own individual fulfilment becomes highly dependent on your partner and relationship — where we find ourselves losing our own sense of independence or self-sufficiency.
People who experience and struggle with codependency often have childhoods that contain emotional abuse or neglect; childhoods where they do not have their emotional needs met by the people closest to them. Their parents are often abusive, neglectful or selfish —- centring on their own needs and not their child’s. This creates an ingrained pattern of behaviour in which the individual repeats their childhood pattern of trying to construct and maintain a relationship even when their partner is very difficult, checked out and emotionally unavailable.
Codependent people often display some of these signs:
- Find it hard to set boundaries and limits with others, often to their own detriment
- Are “people pleasers”, often to their own detriment
- Need a sense of control and predictivity in relationships
- Are caretakers and often put others in front of their own needs
- Find it very hard to express their own needs, feelings and thoughts
- Are dependent on others and have a great fear of rejection
- Have low self-esteem and fear of failure, being judged by others or making mistakes
- Problems being intimate, open and honest in relationships
- Are often in denial about their codependency
- Often struggle with symptoms of stress, anger, anxiety and depression
- Are very unsettled by arguments, disagreements and conflicts
- Give too much time effort and energy in a relationship
These are some of the signs of codependency. Codependent people look to social cues from other people to tell them:
What they should feel
What they should need
What they should behave like
While most would agree that sensitivity to others is a wonderful and positive trait, people who are codependent often take it to an extreme, largely because of an inability to create healthy boundaries. They lose themselves in trying to meet the needs of others and have very few of their own boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are super important. Boundaries draw a line of separation and responsibility between our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours — and the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of others. Because these boundaries are blurred or missing, people who are codependent may experience high levels of stress, anger, resentment, anxiousness and even symptoms of depression.
While it may take time to break long-standing patterns of codependency, there are things you can do to overcome it.
1. Look to Your Past
The first step on your path to rescue is to take a look at your own past to reveal and understand experiences that may have contributed to your codependency. What is your family history? Is there emotional neglect and abuse? Were there events that led to you distancing yourself from your true inner emotions and ignoring your own needs?
This can be a difficult process and one that involves thinking about and re-experiencing childhood emotions. You may even find that you feel angry, sad, shameful or guilty as you think about this.
Note: This type of exploration can be very emotional and stressful and is often best done in a safe therapy relationship.
2. Recognize Denial
The second step to healing is to really be frank with yourself and recognize the problem. There probably a very good chance you have intellectualized and justified your codependence over time. While it can feel scary to admit to being codependent and/or involved in a dysfunctional relationship, honesty with yourself is really the first step toward healing.
3. Detach and Disentangle Yourself
In order to truly work on and improve ourselves, we have to first disconnect from the things we are troubled with. Personal growth will require giving up our preoccupation and over-involvement with trying to control, rescue, or change others and our defaulting to always trying to please someone else.
This means taking a deep breath, letting go and acknowledging we cannot fix problems that are not necessarily ours to fix. What problems do we “own” and what problems are “owned” by others in our lives? It’s about really trying to differentiate where you end and others begin.
4. Practice Self-care
Giving up your attempts to constantly please others is a good start to healing, but learning self-care is absolutely necessary as well. It’s super important that you really begin to explore and become aware of your own thoughts, feeling and needs. We also need to learn how to communicate them to others in our relationships. This may feel very hard and even foreign to us at first as if you are being especially self-centred. But that’s part of learning how to take care of our own needs.
Self-care means taking care of ourselves physically — eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and going to our doctor and taking any prescribed medications. Self-care also means caring for ourselves emotionally, making social connections, finding happy positive activities to fill our time, and allowing ourselves emotional downtime and rest if we need it. It also means really getting in touch and examining our own thoughts, opinions, values, wants and needs — regardless of what other’s opinions are. Good strategies to do this can be writing and reflecting through the process of journaling, reading appropriate books on self-care, and of course, going to therapy.
To create healthy long-term relationships with others, you must first build a strong one with yourself.
5. Learn to Say No!
One of the best ways you can begin to set healthy boundaries is to learn to say no to situations that are damaging to your own well-being. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. We have the right to say no to others and often we don’t need to give them a long explanation. We have the right to say no to things that are not the best for us. This is not about being selfish and uncaring towards others — but it’s about setting boundaries and putting our own needs first.
6. Be Kinder to Yourself!
Be kind to yourself! This is about self-compassion and treating yourself the same way you would treat the others you love!
Here is a good little exercise to try to do this:
Close your eyes and visualize your best friend.
Now imagine they come to you and says they are really hurting because something has really gone sideways in their life. They’ve lost a job or a relationship is faltering or they’ve “failed” in some way.
Would you say to them, “Well, it’s probably your fault because you didn’t do this or that” or “You should have tried harder” or say “It’s because you aren’t good enough or smart enough”
Of course, you wouldn’t say that to a friend. So why would you say that kind of stuff to yourself?
It’s more likely that you would embrace your friend and say, “That’s terrible. I’m sorry, how can I help”
You really should be kind to yourself in this way, too. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who is suffering. Learn to challenge any negative, critical self-talk, and any negative beliefs about yourself and your self-worth.
7. Learn Independence
Finally, try separating from others for certain periods of time to create a healthy sense of independence. Reduce dependence through learning to be alone and actually learning to like it! People who are codependent often find it very hard to spend time alone without others around.
Find an individual hobby or interest just for you. Go read in a coffee shop on your own, go the movies alone, go to the gym alone. Find some ways to create independence and learn to spend time with yourself!
Codependency can be changed and healed! Does changing this part of yourself make you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps seeking the guidance of a therapist might be beneficial as you work your way through exploring how codependency affects your life. A good therapist will be able to help you explore your past, your uncomfortable feelings and experiences, and help you learn more healthy ways of relating to yourself and to others.
If you are worried that you or a loved one is codependent and are interested in exploring therapy, please contact me today. I would be more than happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.
This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.
I feel like I’ve been in a co dependent relationship , as he was a cocaine addict and I tried to help ! But it’s left me feeling exhausted .
Hi Angie, Being in a relationship with an addict is hard on anybody. I hope you find some good ways to take care of yourself. Maybe find some good resources or see a mental health professional that can help you sort it all out? I wish you well.
Thank you , it’s been 8 weeks since the split . I struggle some days . And other days I’m ok , I’m trying to keep my self busy , as trying to a brave face on for my boys .
Thank you , it’s been 8 weeks since the split . I struggle some days . And other days I’m ok , I’m trying to keep my self busy , as trying to put on a brave face on for my boys .
I feel very codependent and reading into it has made me realise this.
I was in an controlling, abusive relationship where I could not say no, i lost myself and nearly all my socialization in life. I stopped seeing my family and then my nan passed away end of last year which gave me a kick to end it but now I feel inadequate when I’m alone and someone is not with me.
I am waiting on therapy but I do not know how long that will take, Is there any advice on what I can do for myself?
Hi Zoe,
I’m sorry to hear you went through that. Is there perhaps a non profit that has counselling that you can access sooner? Often “Women’s Shelter’s” have counselling and resources for women who have gone through either physical and/or emotional abuse, it doesn’t have to be just physical. Another resource is all of the books on recovery in your local public library?
I wish you all the best in your search for healing.
I have recently realised that I am codependent. I have been in a relationship for 3 years. We lived together and I have recently moved out. It hit me like a sledgehammer. I was anxious and crying all the time. I couldn’t eat and I felt like my world had come to an end. My partner was emotionally abusive and it didn’t matter how hard I tried to please him, wait on him, be compliant to him, hoping he would change. He never did. Since moving out we have started seeing each other again but nothing has changed. He still behaves exactly the same and so do I. All he can focus on is himself. He loves being the centre of attention and is always telling me how gorgeous and great he is. I am struggling to assert myself in the relationship as I fear losing him and being alone but it is really making me feel down and anxious. Whilst I am aware of how I feel I make excuses for his behaviour and have hardly any boundaries. I know I need to love myself and to spend quality alone time with myself but I just don’t seem to be able to do this. I am on a waiting list for counselling but I’ve been told it will be 3 to 4 months. What can I do in the meantime to help myself as I reel really on the edge.
Hi Claire,
That sounds like a really difficult situation. Are there maybe any shorter term counselling or even crisis counselling options you can access where you are until you can get to the top of the waitlist? Or could you maybe find some online type counselling options for now? My colleague Sharon Martin’s website has lots of great information and her blog is a great resource for dealing with codependent relationships. https://sharonmartincounseling.com/grow-happiness-blog-written-by-sharon-martin-lcsw/ I really hope you can find a resource that can help you through this tough time.
Hi Claire,
I just came to know i a,m codependent just yesterday to be precise, i was dealing with the symptoms for long but the term Codependency came up yesterday when i was searching for solace and solution on the net. I can totally relate with what you have written, your post is old i hope things have gone good for you since. Good luck
It’s really hard situation to be in . I’ve had a terrible time too , it’s been 7 months for me and I still struggle deeply .Good luck , Clair hope all goes well for you .
Thanks Robert for the information and kind words. I will definitely look into it. Enjoy the rest of your day.
Hello Claire,
I would try and keep busy with friends , find a new hobby maybe . I have and it helps greatly , I meet new people ., there’s nothing no worse than feeling lonely or empty . Good luck . Angie x
Hi Angie, thanks for the advice. I will follow it. Emotional pain is the worst.
Take care. Claire x
Hope things are better now clair . De
Sending hugs x love Angie
Hello Robert,
I have been married to a woman with co-morbid bi-polar / borderline personality disorder for 27 years. I never realized how codependent I am. After reading a ton of information on the web including this site I realize that I need to get some help. My wife is in denial about her diagnosis and refuses to take her medication or get therapy and I always felt like I can help her / fix her. We have 6 kids (5 still at home) 3 of those have disabilities. My wife has left me 6 times, spends money like it’s water, had many emotional on-line affairs, called the police on me many times based on false accusations, the list goes on….
But alas…I always take her back and within months we revert back to the cycle. I feel like when we are together I fear her leaving again, when she leaves I feel like I will die if she doesn’t return. I obsessively think about her when we are together or apart. I have always told myself that I stay for the sake of the children, but now I have my doubts. She filed for divorce (again) and will be moving out this coming weekend. I know it is probably for the best this time but I still have my doubts / fears.
I don’t have many friends or family to rely on due to my wife’s insecurity and jealousy, she didn’t like them so I let them go. I am reading a lot and know that am codependent, the problem is….what now? I’m dealing my issues and hers while understanding that I can’t fix her……I still have to deal with her in raising our kids.
Thanks for your time, Allan
Hello Allen,
That sounds like a pretty complicated and stressful situation. Sorry you’re having to deal with all of that. It sounds like you might really benefit by seeing a therapist to help get you find some support and help you figure out what’s best for you and your kids? A good place to start are these directories:
http://www.goodtherapy.org
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
I wish you all the best and hope this all works out for you.
Rob
After reading this I became so relieved. I was searching from all different sites on how I can handle my situation until I found this. Thank you for sharing this. I have shared it to all accounts i have on social media just to help someone who might feel the same.
Hi Tony,
Thanks for the comment.
Rob
How can you be a supportive partner of someone who is recovering from a previous codependent relationship? Specifically, what you can say, how you can interact, what you can do to help them embrace the list above?
Hi Nathan,
The biggest ways to help are being open with them, having empathy and gaining understanding about codependency. If you’re open and empathic you can work on this together as a couple. Remember, you can’t fix them you can only help them. Maybe kindly encourage them to explore and get help from a therapist?
Here are some resources:
https://living.thebump.com/date-someone-codependent-14671.html
https://coda.org
https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-a-Codependent-Family-Member
I was the abuser in a dysfunctional relationship with my partner. He has told me, he has no feelings for me and he doesn’t know whether we will reconcile or not. I’m finding it hard to see, accept myself. It’s difficult for me to move on with no possibility of getting back together. But, on the other hand, he talks with me, is passively pushing me to be better, talks with my dad to better me. I don’t know what to feel and understand
hi… the thing is that i think that i’m emotionally dependent , i’m in a long distance relationship with a man i like so much ( Covid isn’t helping) but it’s scares the hell out of me that our relation affects my mood ,and him being super nice to me makes my day…… i feel that this isn’t right, and i’m scared to fall in love with him ( if i’m not already ) and be more codependent than i already am .
Help please.
Hi
I seem to have realised of late that I am co dependant.. it a shock to me but I am relieved because I finally seem to have the answer
I seem to have gotten into a co dependant relationship with my friend. We have been friends for nearly 10 years now.. what started off as an innocent friendship slowly escalated. I started becoming emotionally dependant on him. My day would start and end only after talking to him and my day felt incomplete without talking to him. I started depending on him whenever I was vulnerable and wanted him to always be around. If he wanted to go out with his other friends it would upset me as I would get jealous and I would fight with him and make him feel bad. This became a cycle. He cared for me a lot so he started giving me what I wanted. I started visualising that as a perfect friendship because he always kept me happy .
Finally due to a few changes in my life a few years ago he left. He stopped talking to me and cut me off completely . I was miserable the whole time
I kept trying to get in touch with him, get him to talk to me in anyway possible. But he refused. I let him treat me badly for those years . I waited . I held on through all the pain hoping he would come back.
He finally has come back now but he’s changed.. he’s more withdrawn.
I still imagine how he was in the past and miss him . I’m not able to come to terms with this new person . I sturggle to give him his boundaries. If he does not agree with something I say it upsets me
I fight with him time and again and it really frustrates me to see him emotionally neutral towards me. I associate my happiness and sadness with him . If he does not keep in contact with me for a while I start feeling edgy and irritable
I want to break free from this.
I want to become more independent
Any suggestions?