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Reluctance to Launch — How To Stop Enabling Your Adult Child

February 20, 2018 by RBRTHMMEL376 Leave a Comment

Does your adult child have a reluctance or even failure to launch?   According to US census data, more than half of the young people between 18 to 24 years old still live at home with their parents, and almost 15% of adults in the 24 to 35 age group still do as well.  In Canada, according to Stats Can. more than one in three (34.7%) young adults aged 20 to 34 were living with at least one parent in 2016, a number that has been increasing since 2001.

There are many reasons these young people are still living at home — they may be trying to save money to go to university, pay off student loans, to mortgage a house, or for many other understandable reasons.  They may have returned home after a “failed” relationship or a divorce, leaving or graduating college, losing a job or an apartment, or for umpteen other reasons.

However, some are adult children who for whatever reason have experienced a reluctance or even failure to launch and remain quite dependent on their parents to meet their basic needs.  They seem unmotivated or even fearful to make the jump to live life on their own.  These young adult children that just won’t leave home can become quite financially and emotionally exhausting for their parents!  Is this situation happening in your home?   Do you have an adult child experiencing a reluctance or failure to launch?

Here are some warning signs that you may have adult children who might just be overly dependent on you.

1. You Are Carrying Them Financially 

If you find yourself carrying your adult child’s financial responsibilities, and there are no extenuating circumstances like illness, mental health issues or a run of bad luck etc…   If you are paying all of their bills and they are perfectly happy to let you carry their load… you may want to reevaluate your situation.   If your child is non-contributing while you have to work longer hours, have to consider putting off retirement, or even take on a second job to support them.  If you have to help them pay off their debts or pay their car payments, it may be time to reevaluate and have a serious, sit down talk with them.

2. They Do Not Seem to be Motivated to Change the Situation

This is where you really have to be honest with yourself, and with them.  You have to take off your parental filters and curb your tendency to only see the good in your children. You really need to evaluate your child with the “eyes of a third person”.    Are they really and truly making an effort to study, work or find a job?  Are they making an effort to find a way to support themselves and be contributing members of your household and society?  Are they really working towards independence?   Are they somewhat motivated, or do they sleep every day until noon?   Are they actually contributing to the household?  Even if they’re not contributing financially, are they at the very least helping out significantly with chores or other tasks around the home?  Has it been a problem for only a few months, or has it been a year or two?

3. They Are Continually Asking For Money

It may be perfectly fine to help out your adult child financially every once in a while, with their purchase of a necessary big ticket item like a house downpayment or with their tuition or books.   But if your son or daughter is constantly borrowing money from you because they can’t seem to budget properly or even hold down a regular job.  If they constantly promise to pay you back but never do, this is really a big red flag.   Be honest with yourself, are you being taken advantage of?

4. Conflict and Disrespect 

It’s natural for young people who are striving to find their own new place in the big wide world to be cranky and moody sometimes.  But there is a fine line between an occasional bad mood and blatant disrespect sent in your direction.

Does your son or daughter seem polite, appreciative and even loving when they want or need help from you or do they possibly become disrespectful or even nasty when you say “no” to their demands?  This kind of behaviour is often a warning sign that your child may be too dependent and some negative patterns may have formed.

Does it feel like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off or starting another conflict?  Have you set boundaries that they keep overstepping?   Again, more warning signs that the relationship with your child is probably an unhappy place to be.

What Now?  Helping Them Launch  

Is your relationship with your still at home adult child sending up some of these red flags?   As a parent what do you do then?  We want to really take a good look at the scenario and try to do what’s best for ourselves and what’s best for our child.  Sometimes to do that, we may need to make some hard decisions that may even increase the conflicts short-term and maybe even cause some temporary pain for both of you.

As parents of an adult child, we’re actually entitled to take our own feelings and needs into account sometimes, especially when we feel that we may be being taken advantage of.   Might it be okay to put our own needs first sometimes?  We probably would with the other adults in our lives, so maybe its okay to do the same with our adult children?  What do you really need to do maintain your sanity and your savings account?

Frequently a parents job is to guide and help your child figure out their own way.  Part of discovering “their own way” is that sometimes they may actually need to feel the natural consequences of their own behaviours.   This is often the very best way for them to learn the skills, strength and resiliency that is fundamental to their living a successful and independent life.

Parents who always step in to rescue their children from “normal” life consequences may be creating a negative pattern that then perpetuates a cycle in which the child then needs continuous rescuing.  If we rescue them they don’t learn to master their own set of skills and behaviours to manage their own environment in a successful way.

Adult children don’t just develop independence and resiliency simply because they are of a certain age.   Sometimes a parents toughest task may be actually cutting the apron strings — gently or even forcefully pushing our child from the nest, not because we’re mean-spirited, but because it may be the best thing for our child and ourselves in the long run!  Some “stuck” adult children may need to be pushed out of the nest to encourage them to experience and learn the life skills they need!

Seeking out a therapist at this time may be very helpful in assisting parents who are trying to balance the best decision for themselves and for their child.

How To Support Their Independence 

It’s helpful if you can step above the conflict and often adversarial nature of the parent and adult-child relationship and really try to take an encouraging and supportive role with your child.  We want to really strive to help them to become confident, resilient and independent. It’s also helpful if you can remain positive and patient, making an effort to be non-adversarial when interacting with them. Like parenting children of any age, staying calm, being assertive and firm and setting healthy boundaries is what needs to happen to really support their growth to independence.

1. Have them contribute in some way

Having no financial responsibilities sounds great, doesn’t it?   Take a deep breath, clear your head and really evaluate your current situation.   Will totally or even partially supporting them help your adult child prepare for the sometimes harsh financial realities of the outside world?

A good place to start is to ask them to commit to contributing to the monthly household budget/expenses. If they are currently unemployed, along with making a concerted effort to find work, ask them to contribute through chores like housecleaning, grocery shopping or any other chores that will truly help you out.   The goal here is to really help them see that when you’re an adult — there truly is no free lunch.   We want to help them start developing new habits,  attitudes and a sense of responsibility to themselves and others.   This sense of responsibility will then be the cornerstone that will help them become independent and even thrive on their own.

2. Don’t give them money! 

The reality is, very few of us can afford to support an adult child forever and we need to let them know this in an honest and clear communication.  You cannot continue to endlessly give your adult child money without any expectations of payback.  One of the first things to do is set a deadline and to stop any “allowance”  or “loans” that they receive from you.  If you’re already supporting them, and paying for their food and shelter?  Maybe paying for these basic needs is meeting your parental obligations and they don’t need an allowance on top of that too?   It’s not your role to pay for their expensive clothes, car payments, their outings with friends or entertainment, or even their vacations.  Or, if they do have a job and spend all of their income on themselves without helping out with the household finances/budget, perhaps its more than past time to address that situation?  A healthy young adult should be responsible for supporting themselves!

3. Responsibilities and expectations 

Again we need to sit down with our adult child and discuss, without any fuzziness, a set of clear expectations and responsibilities that will help the child work towards their independence — natural consequences should be allowed to happen if they cannot make the effort to live up to these agreed upon expectations.   Each situation will be different but the important part is that we need to be clear and concise with them — what are the clear expectations and their responsibilities needed for them to live with us?  What does it look like, what do we expect from them?  Under what conditions?  What will we not put up with?   What are their obligations and responsibilities financially?   For how long can they stay?

4. Accessing therapy

Accessing individual therapy for the reluctant to launch adult child may be of great benefit in helping them explore and conquer their fears, doubts, and anxiety about beginning adulthood and becoming independent.  Therapy will help them accept and effectively cope with the truths and challenges of being on their own for the first time.  Therapy can also help them to develop a good plan of action and also build the strength and motivation needed to successfully reach for self-sufficiency.    

I know in my private practice as a psychologist, I have helped a number of young people successfully cope with the fears, stresses and challenges of developing independence.    The goal of therapy is to help them “individuate” from their family and become their own person.  Therapy can help them with developing maturity, a sense of responsibility and self-confidence.   It can also support their development of a strong individual “self” and create a healthy separation from their family of origin.

5. Set hard deadlines if you need to

Having a heartfelt talk with your son or daughter about these issues can be difficult.   But maybe you need to bite the bullet and have that really hard discussion that you know you need to have — it may even be necessary to be a little tough and push them to find their independence.   If they’ve been home for a while and there is a lot of pain and conflict?   Pushing them towards independence might even salvage your relationship with them rather than allowing further harms to it.

Discuss a timeline and an “exit plan” with them.   For instance, for now, they may stay and you’ll provide a roof and groceries but only for an agreed upon amount of time.  Negotiate a date where the expectation is they have found a job or other way to support themselves, have saved for a damage deposit etc, and found their own place to live, whether an apartment, roommate situation or whatever suits them.   But the point is you’ve set a firm limit and you’re willing to follow through for yours and their best interest. This not to say we shouldn’t have empathy for our child and since you’re the parent you’re certainly allowed to be as tough or as lenient as you see fit.   But really try to look at the situation clearly and really ask yourself, what is truly the best thing for you and your adult child in the long term?  Sometimes the best decisions can be the hardest ones.

If you’re dealing with this situation with your adult child, good luck in working through it and finding a positive resolution!   No family is perfect.   Keep in mind that this is really a common problem of life for many families and you’ll get through it as best you can!

Filed Under: Family Therapy, General, Parenting, Relationships, Teens/Children

The Emotional Challenges of Being a Stay-at-Home Parent

December 15, 2017 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist 2 Comments

From personal experience, I can tell you that being a stay-at-home parent can be one of the most wonderful and rewarding things you may ever, ever, do, but it can also be incredibly emotional, stressful and challenging.  It starts with caring for the every need of helpless little wiggly creatures… and dealing with colds and flus and teething, and colic and nightmares and diaper rash.     Then there’s the guilt and worry about not being able to provide financially for your family and about being dependent on your spouse for financial support.   Then there can also be feelings of boredom, loneliness and wondering if you’re doing the right thing.  Sometimes you can really feel stuck and alone in the four walls of your home.

Let’s explore some of the common emotional challenges that come along with being a stay-at-home parent:

Not Finishing or Feeling Defeated Before You Even Start

Before you stayed home, you were always really on top of things.  You worked full time, you worked hard and you were damn good at it — you also managed to keep the bills paid, the house clean and have the laundry done as well.   You made it to the gym 3 or 4 times a week (maybe 2 or 3?) and even had time to go out with your friends for a few pints on “Wings Wednesday” or to that oh so relaxing yoga class.

Now it seems like you can’t finish… one…  single… darn… thing…

There is a dried coffee stain on the counter that’s been there for weeks, there is a load of laundry getting wrinklier and wrinklier in the drier, and the vacuum cleaner itself…  actually needs dusting!    The bills have piled up because money and time are tight and you may or may not have fed the dog today.

One of the best ways to start dealing with this long list of things to do is to slow down and realize that it’s perfectly normal for parents, especially new parents, to have to change the order of the priorities on their to-do list — and to really take a deep breath and let some things go, so you can focus on the more important things, like keeping your kids alive, happy and comfortable.

It’s about realizing that coffee ring on the counter isn’t really hurting anyone and you’ll get to it sometime.   It’s realizing that it’s totally normal and OK and helpful to let go of the expectations that you had on yourself before children.    A happy, healthy child and a happy healthy mommy or daddy are much, much more important than a freshly cleaned house.  Be realistic in your expectations and whatever you do, don’t compare yourself to others who may look like they have it together on the outside, as you never know… maybe they are about to implode!

Maybe it’s OK to be creative and spend that extra money for a weekly grocery delivery or a having a service do a deep clean once a month, even if it would make your grandmother roll over in her grave to find out you used a maid.   This is not the time to worry about how your mother, or friends, or that perfect TV family parented and kept their house.   Be your own kind of parent!  Do what works for you!  Set your own standards!

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for help!  See if a friend or family member can swing by and watch the kids while you spend an hour or two a week grocery shopping.  This will help you fill the fridge and also maybe give you some alone time!

And finally, be kind to yourself.  Don’t be hard on yourself if things aren’t perfect and try to just let go of some of those expectations (and especially if those expectations are the perfectionist, archetypal June Cleaver kind from the 1950’s).   Make the effort to change your self-talk and mindset, and maybe just learn how to be OK with unfinished chores and long lasting coffee rings.  Ask yourself: Does it really matter in the big picture? Really?  I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that there are some things, maybe even lots of things, that are perhaps, maybe, possibly okay to just let go?

Isolation, Desolation, Loneliness and Boredom

You were once surrounded by people in your office (and you maybe even liked some of them?).  There were long Monday morning coffee breaks and lunches out with other adults that you could laugh and talk and argue politics with.  Your job kept you intellectually challenged — heck,  keeping track of the office politics alone probably kept your mind busy!

Now you spend many days looking for lost socks and you may actually find yourself giving the sock the “what for”,  telling it out loud how disappointed in its behaviour you are when you find it in the couch cushions!

Being a stay-at-home parent can be especially isolating, and especially so, if you were an extrovert or a social butterfly in your previous work-life.  And though raising children is very heart filling and rewarding, there are plenty of days when you won’t speak to a single adult all day, or feel intellectually challenged, even a little bit;  the boredom can feel mind-numbing sometimes.

Though it isn’t always easy finding the time to nurture your social and cerebral needs, it’s really super important that you try to make socializing and using your brain a priority.    Make the effort to plan and execute regular grown-up gatherings with friends and families with and without the children.  Maybe join a book club or take a class once a week (or an online class) if you need a challenge for your brain.  Maybe join the soccer or softball “beer league” in your neighbourhood, or take those golf or tennis lessons you’ve always meant to take. Plan a get together with other stay-at-home parents, or join a mom and tots group, or one of the groups that go mall walking with their wee ones.     Make it a true priority to get that social interaction and mental stimulation.   Making an effort to find other adults to interact with and ways to support each other can be an important way to fight off loneliness and maintain our stay at home parent mental wellness.

Another great resource is to find online support groups or forums like the ones on Facebook where you can interact and connect with other stay at homers that are in the same boat as you.

Doubting Your Parenting 

When you’re a stay-at-home parent, you seemingly eat, sleep, and breathe being a parent.  From first thing in the morning until the last thoughts before sleep, somedays there is almost no break from it.  It can really be all-encompassing, which makes it very easy to become somewhat obsessed and worried that maybe you’re not really doing a good job.     It doesn’t help that the interwebz is full of “helicopter parenting” blogs, articles and advice columns that have totally wacky super high expectations that no parent, anywhere, actually meets, or could possibly ever meet.   You may begin to really start questioning every little parenting decision you make and wonder if you’re harming your little dumpling’s emotional and intellectual development.  I mean really, you’ve only read the 20 latest, greatest parenting books and you only have them in Gymboree once a week, playschool twice a week or maybe you got angry with them and raised your voice last week and you still feel a bit guilty.

A great way to deal with this doubt is by connecting with other stay-at-home parents in person or in an online chat room.  These connections can really help you gain perspective on your situation.

Also when you find yourself beginning to worry and obsess, maybe step back and look at the “bigger picture”.   Ask yourself:  “Is my family happy and healthy?”  Am I worried about something truly important, or am I “just worrying”?

Do some research and really know what is normal child development at various stages.  The more you know about what is “normal” the more you can relax and realize that you’re really doing just fine!   Here is a link to a great site that has The Developmental Stages laid out really well — Developmental Stages, Tasks and Milestones

Cut yourself some slack and be the parent you want to be, not the unrealistic ideal parent that we think we NEED to be.  Here’s a really great irreverent and funny book on being the best parent you can and allaying some of those doubts:

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by  Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alicia Ybarbo and Mary Ann Zoellner 

Special Challenges for Stay at Home Dads — The Stigma

At a few points during my parenting years, I was a stay at home dad.  I was even a stay at home dad with a shiny, fresh newborn!  So I know personally that being a stay at home dad has a few special challenges.  Maybe most importantly is realizing that the sexist system that has held down women in the workplace (and elsewhere!), also takes pot shots at you if you’re a stay at home dad and you’re not in the workplace where you belong.   You’ll get questioned by family and friends who might be surprised or even judgemental about what you’re doing.

You might get comments and questions like:

YOU’RE stying at home?  (said with skepticism and incredulity)

Are you actually changing dirty diapers and cleaning the house?  (again skepticism and incredulity)

So you’re Mr. Mom now?!?!?  (yup, more, skepticism and incredulity)

Wow. Do you know what you’re doing?  (like a man just isn’t capable of childcare)

Must be great to not have to go to work?  (because childcare isn’t work?!?!?)

Did you lose your job?  (seriously?)

Being a stay a stay at home dad has the added difficulty of challenging a very set and very archaic social rule.  Men work and women care for babies.  A stay at home dad breaks this rule and this can leave the dad feeling socially judged and maybe even ostracised for not being a “real man”.  No matter how hard a man tries, it’s hard not to feel this kind of social pressure and not feel stigmatized.   This added pressure can really make a stay at home dad begin to question their choice in takig the parenting role.  They can also feel the stress of putting their career on hold because, well, men just don’t do that.  They feel like they are spinning their wheels or falling behind.  For all of these reasons being a stay at home dad can be a stressful experience.

One of the best things a stay at home dad can do to allay these feelings is to get support!   Having open-minded, supportive and encouraging people to talk to can be a great help.    A great resource for stay at home dads is the Stay at Home Dad Network that has great information and online support groups.

Motherism?  There’s a Stigma for Stay At Home Moms Too!

Just like there is a social and cultural stigma for stay at home dads, one exists for stay at home moms too!   Mom’s who stay at home and put their career on hold can also feel prejudiced against.   Although feminism is a wonderful thing, it also has sprouted some unhealthy ideas and thoughts.  Women who stay at home often feel they are looked down on by others who make a different choice and stay at work, a word coined for this is motherism.   UK Researcher and Psychologist Dr. Aric Sigman, addressing a conference organised by the Mothers At Home Matter group stated that:

The implication is that by being a full-time mother you are “subjugated and servile” and even sexually unattractive once you are a mother – a quality only associated with women who return to work with their high heels and clipboards.’

Motherhood must not hide its light under a bushel. Greater maternal contact in the early years, especially during infancy, is greatly advantageous to the child.

 

So whether you’re a stay at home dad or mom you may find you may experience some social friction from colleagues, friends and family.  The best way to deal with this perhaps is to really stay strong and positive about the choice you’ve made to stay home.   If you truly value the stay at home parent role?  Stick to your guns and defend it!   Regardless of what society says, you made the choice to spend that crucial one on one time with your children and why waste your effort and emotional energy worrying about self-doubt, or what other people think?   Also get support!  Find an in person or online stay at home parent support group — there is strength in numbers and it’s super helpful being around people who really understand what it takes to stay home!

 

If you’re really stressed and overwrought though, sometimes, talking with a third party, like a therapist, can help you gain perspective on your life and how being a stay-at-home parent may be affecting you.   If you’re interested in talking to someone, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

 

 

References:

Harding Eleanor.   The rise of ‘motherism’: Stay-at-home mothers face prejudice assuming they are lazy, stupid and unattractive, expert warns. http://www.dailymail.co.uk//news/article-2469315/Dr-Aric-Sigman-Stay-home-mums-face-prejudice-assuming-lazy-stupid.html#ixzz50hOXNdlT    http://mothersathomematter.co.uk/

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Teens/Children

10 Signs of Depression in Teens

September 29, 2017 by RBRTHMMEL376 2 Comments

Ask any parent what their most important job is, and they will tell you it’s protecting their children and keeping them safe in the world.   New parents spend hours, if not days, preparing, by worrying, reading baby books and baby-proofing their homes.  They research the best car seats, the best colleges, and the safest bike helmets,  and often struggle to figure out ways to keep their kids safe online.

But, no matter how hard parents work to keep their kids safe, it can be very difficult to protect children against mental health issues such as depression.    According to the  US National Comorbidity Survey-Adolescent Supplement (NCS-A), Major Depressive Disorder affects roughly 11% of adolescents by age 18.   A significant percentage indeed.   Also if we look at depression like a continuum, it doesn’t take into account the number of teenagers that suffer from depression that doesn’t quite meet the level of clinical diagnosis.

In addition to the critical challenges of treating adolescents with the more severe symptoms of depression, depression has also been associated with the development of chronic health conditions, significant social/economic costs for society and a greatly reduced quality of life for the sufferer.   Teenagers with depression often have a hard time getting their lives and careers started, and depression may be a big factor in their “failure to launch”.   Sadly, and understandably, it’s probably really hard to “start your life” when you depression makes you feel empty and worthless and tells you that maybe life has no point.

If you are concerned and worried as to whether your own teen may be suffering from depression, here are 10 important signs to look for:

1. More than mood swings

Thanks to naturally rampaging hormones, it is quite normal for teenagers to experience mood swings. But those suffering from depression will often show excessive and more frequent swings of anger, sadness, self-doubt and irritability.

2. Academic problems

A drop in enthusiasm for school, struggling to maintain grades and even notes home from teachers can be a big signal that something is going on.  Is your teen regularly getting to school late or cutting classes?  Are there frequent absences from school?

3. Changes in social behaviour

Is your child spending less time out of the house with their friends?  Do they have new friendships that seem negative or that you question?  Are they spending more and more time alone and isolated?   Changes in social behaviour are often a primary signal kids may be in trouble.

4. A lack/loss of interest in their favourite activities

Did your teen use to love playing sports or spend hours gaming, listening to music or drawing?  Have they seemed to suddenly lose interest in these activities?   If your child no longer shows interest in favourite hobbies and activities, this is an indicator that something may be wrong.

5. A Lack of Motivation

Granted, teenagers are not known for being highly-motivated, but those suffering from depression will show a marked decline in motivation and drive.   Again, it’s important to look for changes in this area.

6. Lack of energy and feeling tired all the time.  

Does your teen complain of having no energy to do anything, that they are “tired to the bone” or they have physical complaints like stomach or back pain?   Again teenagers are sometimes known for being “lazy”, being tired and sleeping too much.  But lack of energy and malaise  can also be a definite sign of depression.

7.   A change in sleep patterns, appetite or weight that has changed considerably 

Diet changes like a lack of appetite, or binging on comfort foods can point to an issue.   As does changes in sleep patterns which can be sleeping too much or having insomnia.   Depression can affect appetite, eating and sleep patterns.

8.  Restlessness, agitation (pacing, wringing hands, feeling like they can’t sit still)  

Often depression can be displayed in agitation and irritability.  Some sufferers describe it as having a motor inside them that continually runs on and on, not letting our mind or body rest.

9. Complaints of feeling guilty or worthless  

Feelings of negativity and guilt, feeling like “everything is my fault’, ‘I am bad’, “I’m not good at anything” can point to the negative and flawed thinking that underlies and maintains depression.

 10.  A Family History of Depression

If you or someone else in your close family suffers from depression or other mental illness, there is an increased chance your teen may also suffer as well.

Getting Help

If you have noticed a few, or many of these signs in your teen, it’s important to seek help from a mental health therapist like a Psychologist.    While you may want to, you can’t just love your child’s depression away. It’s often imperative to get professional help and an ongoing plan for treatment and management.   There is a great deal of research showing that therapy works to heal depression and is probably the best first thing to try before things like antidepressant medications that may not be the best thing for your teenagers developing mind and body.

A therapist will be able to assess your teen for depression and provide them with treatment, including coping skills and tools for dealing and lessening the impact of the symptoms.

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Teens/Children

Robert Hammel, Psychologist

202 4603 Varsity Drive NW,
Calgary T3A.2V7
403-973-2174
admin@roberthammel.com



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