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Grace Under Fire: 7 Ways to Co-Parent Better After Divorce

March 30, 2018 by Robert Hammel, Registered Psychologist Leave a Comment

Why is being a co-parent so hard?

So you’re divorced or divorcing, and it may be brand new and feel like your entire world is cracking up and falling apart — or you may be farther along on the divorce journey and you’re feeling a little more settled and you may already have a new home or a new job or even a new partner. No matter where you are on the divorce ride, sometimes it can be stressful, difficult and/or even painful.

The often painful process of divorce can also bring the worst out in people. In the worst case scenario, both ex-partners are full of anger, bitterness and regret and they may even act mean and vengeful towards each other sometimes. There are resentments and grudges and very negative emotions towards each other. In the divorced couples where there is a lot of negativity and resentment, there is probably a history of intense marital conflict that preceded and then maybe even caused the divorce. Then, perhaps, a difficult, long contested divorce process may have thrown more gasoline on the conflict fire! This ongoing and habitual conflict almost always spills over into problems and conflicts co-parenting any children involved.

Then, often, on top of the divorce conflicts and unhappiness, other issues may also pile on top too; finances may now be more difficult; maybe your child is struggling at school or socially; you may be time stretched with new responsibilities and one or both partners may be dating or even remarried and some jealousies may then be ignited that then creates even more disharmony. There also may be big differences in parenting philosophies or styles and parenting may become another front on the divorce battleground.

Regardless, trying to co-parent isn’t easy at the best of times and it’s even harder when there are conflicts, resentments and jealousies. But it’s not impossible. So here are some great strategies to try to start better co-parenting with your ex-partner.

1. Setting Priorities

Take a good hard look at what you want to happen in your situation. Chances are you want to do the absolute best for your child. Some people by constantly arguing about rules, bedtimes or drop off times or about splitting the cost of the extra sports fees with their ex, may actually feel like they are acting as a champion for their child. By arguing with your ex about what you feel is the best bedtime or even berating them for being late for a pickup — you may feel you are really doing what’s best for your child and feel like you’re sticking up for your child’s right.

But is that really true? Instead, those parents are probably actually harming their children to some degree by exposing them to regular negativity and conflict, often about things that really aren’t important. Keep the focus on what’s best for your children, and what you can do to work toward providing the best and most calm life you can for them. Providing them with a loving, stable, and conflict-free environment is what they need to thrive! If you expose them to high levels of ongoing conflict, arguing and negativity you can actually make them more susceptible to problems with their emotional and mental health!

2. To Co-Parent Well is to Communicate Well

Because going through a divorce can be such an emotional and taxing process, your communication patterns with your ex-partner will likely suffer to some degree. It may be really emotionally difficult to communicate with them and you may not want to talk to, or even hear from your ex, even on your best days. However, it’s super important that communication regarding the children is maintained in the best ways possible. Ignoring their (appropriate) texts and phone calls may feel good in the moment, but it really just makes thing more difficult for everyone in the long run. Communicating well with your co-parent also assures that your children are not being used as messengers:

e.g. “Tell your mother you have a soccer practice on Friday” “Tell your dad the child support is due!”

Using your children as messengers is a really unhealthy habit to get into — it puts them in a role they shouldn’t be in, can affect them emotionally and cause them a lot of stress! Instead, try to communicate directly with your co-parent, maybe even finding creative ways to communicate to avoid conflict if necessary. Maybe experimenting with texting or email, or even snail mail letters may help if telephone calls are too much. Also, remember, that sometimes texting can be a really terrible way to communicate as it really doesn’t convey emotion well and there is always an expectation for a fast response. And maybe most importantly text fighting is really unproductive and no fun at all for anyone. If conflict levels are high, maybe using email in a “business-like” way might help? Try to treat your co-parent like you would a co-worker or a work client that you don’t necessarily like.

3. Communication: Just the Facts Jack

When communicating with your ex, remember that if you’re harbouring bitterness or resentments and there are suitcases of unfinished emotional business with your ex — there will often be a strong desire to express your own emotional needs when you communicate with them. Make a commitment to yourself, maybe even in conjunction with your ex-partner that for the sake of your children’s well-being, you’ll keep conversations focused on the issues around your children and not the divorce itself. Often to be a good parent you need focus on their needs and not your own!

4. Stop Being Rigid!

In my private practice working with many people going through divorces or custody issues — an area that often makes co-parenting difficult is if one or both partners are too rigid and set in their view of how the situation should unfold. There must be a rigid bedtime for both households, or the pickup or exchange time must be set in stone or the custody agreement must be followed to the letter, even when a wee bit of flexibility might be better for all involved. Really? It’s probably better to learn how to “go with the flow” sometimes.

Being flexible actually reduces defensiveness in the co-parent relationship and overall that reduces conflict levels! Learning how to compromise and cooperate with your co-parent will not only benefit both of you in building a more functional co-parent relationship, but it will also model the kind of positive behaviours to your children that will help them throughout their own lives! Be flexible and make a true effort to avoid any and all conflict about the small stuff that will inevitably come up — only stick to your guns if something is truly important. And note: very, very little is actually that important!

5. Attitudes & Perceptions

One of the best ways to improve co-parenting is to slow down, take a deep, deep breath and really try to stop seeing your ex as the villain in this particular story. Even though they may have cheated or left suddenly or even both; or they were greedy in the settlement or they may have acted in other really selfish or callous ways — the fact is — you still need to deal with them on a regular basis in the best way you can for the sake of your children.

At the very least you need to be civil towards them since that is truly in the best interest of your kids! You don’t even have to like them — you just have to be civil and get along with them without any game playing or unneeded negativity. It’s about making the effort to end or avoid the seemingly endless and useless conflicts about whose house has the child’s new package of underwear or who has to pay the extra $20 uniform deposit at school.

One way to start to change your attitude towards your ex is to really try to see your ex in a more positive way — and if you can’t possibly see your way to positive — maybe shoot for just seeing them in a less emotional and neutral way. Even if just thinking about them makes you feel an excess of negative emotions — with time you can actually learn how to step away from that negativity to a more neutral place. One way to do this is to genuinely see your ex as a flawed and imperfect human being. And since they are a flawed and imperfect human, maybe even cut them a little slack sometimes? Maybe if both co-parents made a bit of individual effort to have some empathy, respect and kindness towards each other, co-parenting might be actually easier and your children might flourish!

Really make the effort to step away from your own grudges, bitterness and anger. Why should you let all the negative emotion and poison you hold towards your ex may you feel so crappy, months and even years after the actual divorce? Why let them take up that negative space in your mind or affect your emotions to such a great degree? The answer is you don’t need to, in fact, people who hold bitterness and grudges often greatly affect their own emotional well being and even their physical health. So make an effort to put those resentful and even hostile grudges to rest. If you really struggle in this area it may be helpful to see a therapist who may be able to help you unpack all of that negative emotional baggage you’re holding on too.

6. Don’t Expose the Kids to the Conflict

Any kinds of bickering and fighting in front of your children can have a very negative and long-term impact on your children. They should not be bystanders to any arguments, criticisms or other negative behaviours. Children are like sponges and without a doubt they will see and learn these behaviours themselves. Also, being witness to constant conflict may make them feel that their world isn’t a safe place to be, and will cause them lots of stress which may predispose them to mental and physical health issues!

Here are some proven methods to help keep your children out of the crossfire:

Never speak poorly of your ex-spouse in front of the kids. Never, ever, ever
Don’t let or encourage your kids to take sides in the conflicts — they don’t belong in the middle!
Provide a safe non-judgemental place for them to express their emotions
Don’t include kids in what are adult issues and decisions

7. Self Care

Maintaining your physical and emotional health is important not only for you but also for your children as well. Having a healthy, happy, rested parent will help them adjust to all of the challenges of the divorce situation. Your children are very dependent on you, and you really owe it to them to give them your absolute best as a parent — and that means being physically and emotionally healthy. As well, taking time to care for yourself will also help you take the negative focus off of your divorce, and shift the focus back on to you moving forward, (where it should be) and on making positive changes in your life.

Maybe it’s yoga, or deep breathing, or mindfulness meditation, or physical exercise or even just getting a few good nights sleep — by taking care of yourself you can deal better with all of the challenges of life and co-parenting.

Here are some more good self-care tips to try: 7-steps-to-emotional-self-care

Although your ex is no longer your life-partner, you and they are still connected on some level, and will always be co-parents of the children that you have together. Learning to get along better, communicating better and making the effort to do so will bring comfort to your children as they learn to cope with the divorce. As you go through the journey of divorce, you often mourn the relationship you’ve lost, and also the dreams you had of the future. It can be very stressful and upsetting for all involved. If you’re really struggling with all of the emotions and stresses of co-parenting and/or a divorce contacting a professional for counselling may be helpful.

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Divorce, Family Therapy, Relationships

Reluctance to Launch — How To Stop Enabling Your Adult Child

February 20, 2018 by RBRTHMMEL376 Leave a Comment

Does your adult child have a reluctance or even failure to launch? According to US census data, more than half of the young people between 18 to 24 years old still live at home with their parents, and almost 15% of adults in the 24 to 35 age group still do as well. In Canada, according to Stats Can. more than one in three (34.7%) young adults aged 20 to 34 were living with at least one parent in 2016, a number that has been increasing since 2001.

There are many reasons these young people are still living at home — they may be trying to save money to go to university, pay off student loans, to mortgage a house, or for many other understandable reasons. They may have returned home after a “failed” relationship or a divorce, leaving or graduating college, losing a job or an apartment, or for umpteen other reasons.

However, some are adult children who for whatever reason have experienced a reluctance or even failure to launch and remain quite dependent on their parents to meet their basic needs. They seem unmotivated or even fearful to make the jump to live life on their own. These young adult children that just won’t leave home can become quite financially and emotionally exhausting for their parents! Is this situation happening in your home? Do you have an adult child experiencing a reluctance or failure to launch?

Here are some warning signs that you may have adult children who might just be overly dependent on you.

1. You Are Carrying Them Financially

If you find yourself carrying your adult child’s financial responsibilities, and there are no extenuating circumstances like illness, mental health issues or a run of bad luck etc… If you are paying all of their bills and they are perfectly happy to let you carry their load… you may want to reevaluate your situation. If your child is non-contributing while you have to work longer hours, have to consider putting off retirement, or even take on a second job to support them. If you have to help them pay off their debts or pay their car payments, it may be time to reevaluate and have a serious, sit down talk with them.

2. They Do Not Seem to be Motivated to Change the Situation

This is where you really have to be honest with yourself, and with them. You have to take off your parental filters and curb your tendency to only see the good in your children. You really need to evaluate your child with the “eyes of a third person”. Are they really and truly making an effort to study, work or find a job? Are they making an effort to find a way to support themselves and be contributing members of your household and society? Are they really working towards independence? Are they somewhat motivated, or do they sleep every day until noon? Are they actually contributing to the household? Even if they’re not contributing financially, are they at the very least helping out significantly with chores or other tasks around the home? Has it been a problem for only a few months, or has it been a year or two?

3. They Are Continually Asking For Money

It may be perfectly fine to help out your adult child financially every once in a while, with their purchase of a necessary big ticket item like a house downpayment or with their tuition or books. But if your son or daughter is constantly borrowing money from you because they can’t seem to budget properly or even hold down a regular job. If they constantly promise to pay you back but never do, this is really a big red flag. Be honest with yourself, are you being taken advantage of?

4. Conflict and Disrespect

It’s natural for young people who are striving to find their own new place in the big wide world to be cranky and moody sometimes. But there is a fine line between an occasional bad mood and blatant disrespect sent in your direction.

Does your son or daughter seem polite, appreciative and even loving when they want or need help from you or do they possibly become disrespectful or even nasty when you say “no” to their demands? This kind of behaviour is often a warning sign that your child may be too dependent and some negative patterns may have formed.

Does it feel like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off or starting another conflict? Have you set boundaries that they keep overstepping? Again, more warning signs that the relationship with your child is probably an unhappy place to be.

What Now? Helping Them Launch

Is your relationship with your still at home adult child sending up some of these red flags? As a parent what do you do then? We want to really take a good look at the scenario and try to do what’s best for ourselves and what’s best for our child. Sometimes to do that, we may need to make some hard decisions that may even increase the conflicts short-term and maybe even cause some temporary pain for both of you.

As parents of an adult child, we’re actually entitled to take our own feelings and needs into account sometimes, especially when we feel that we may be being taken advantage of. Might it be okay to put our own needs first sometimes? We probably would with the other adults in our lives, so maybe its okay to do the same with our adult children? What do you really need to do maintain your sanity and your savings account?

Frequently a parents job is to guide and help your child figure out their own way. Part of discovering “their own way” is that sometimes they may actually need to feel the natural consequences of their own behaviours. This is often the very best way for them to learn the skills, strength and resiliency that is fundamental to their living a successful and independent life.

Parents who always step in to rescue their children from “normal” life consequences may be creating a negative pattern that then perpetuates a cycle in which the child then needs continuous rescuing. If we rescue them they don’t learn to master their own set of skills and behaviours to manage their own environment in a successful way.

Adult children don’t just develop independence and resiliency simply because they are of a certain age. Sometimes a parents toughest task may be actually cutting the apron strings — gently or even forcefully pushing our child from the nest, not because we’re mean-spirited, but because it may be the best thing for our child and ourselves in the long run! Some “stuck” adult children may need to be pushed out of the nest to encourage them to experience and learn the life skills they need!

Seeking out a therapist at this time may be very helpful in assisting parents who are trying to balance the best decision for themselves and for their child.

How To Support Their Independence

It’s helpful if you can step above the conflict and often adversarial nature of the parent and adult-child relationship and really try to take an encouraging and supportive role with your child. We want to really strive to help them to become confident, resilient and independent. It’s also helpful if you can remain positive and patient, making an effort to be non-adversarial when interacting with them. Like parenting children of any age, staying calm, being assertive and firm and setting healthy boundaries is what needs to happen to really support their growth to independence.

1. Have them contribute in some way

Having no financial responsibilities sounds great, doesn’t it? Take a deep breath, clear your head and really evaluate your current situation. Will totally or even partially supporting them help your adult child prepare for the sometimes harsh financial realities of the outside world?

A good place to start is to ask them to commit to contributing to the monthly household budget/expenses. If they are currently unemployed, along with making a concerted effort to find work, ask them to contribute through chores like housecleaning, grocery shopping or any other chores that will truly help you out. The goal here is to really help them see that when you’re an adult — there truly is no free lunch. We want to help them start developing new habits, attitudes and a sense of responsibility to themselves and others. This sense of responsibility will then be the cornerstone that will help them become independent and even thrive on their own.

2. Don’t give them money!

The reality is, very few of us can afford to support an adult child forever and we need to let them know this in an honest and clear communication. You cannot continue to endlessly give your adult child money without any expectations of payback. One of the first things to do is set a deadline and to stop any “allowance” or “loans” that they receive from you. If you’re already supporting them, and paying for their food and shelter? Maybe paying for these basic needs is meeting your parental obligations and they don’t need an allowance on top of that too? It’s not your role to pay for their expensive clothes, car payments, their outings with friends or entertainment, or even their vacations. Or, if they do have a job and spend all of their income on themselves without helping out with the household finances/budget, perhaps its more than past time to address that situation? A healthy young adult should be responsible for supporting themselves!

3. Responsibilities and expectations

Again we need to sit down with our adult child and discuss, without any fuzziness, a set of clear expectations and responsibilities that will help the child work towards their independence — natural consequences should be allowed to happen if they cannot make the effort to live up to these agreed upon expectations. Each situation will be different but the important part is that we need to be clear and concise with them — what are the clear expectations and their responsibilities needed for them to live with us? What does it look like, what do we expect from them? Under what conditions? What will we not put up with? What are their obligations and responsibilities financially? For how long can they stay?

4. Accessing therapy

Accessing individual therapy for the reluctant to launch adult child may be of great benefit in helping them explore and conquer their fears, doubts, and anxiety about beginning adulthood and becoming independent. Therapy will help them accept and effectively cope with the truths and challenges of being on their own for the first time. Therapy can also help them to develop a good plan of action and also build the strength and motivation needed to successfully reach for self-sufficiency.

I know in my private practice as a psychologist, I have helped a number of young people successfully cope with the fears, stresses and challenges of developing independence. The goal of therapy is to help them “individuate” from their family and become their own person. Therapy can help them with developing maturity, a sense of responsibility and self-confidence. It can also support their development of a strong individual “self” and create a healthy separation from their family of origin.

5. Set hard deadlines if you need to

Having a heartfelt talk with your son or daughter about these issues can be difficult. But maybe you need to bite the bullet and have that really hard discussion that you know you need to have — it may even be necessary to be a little tough and push them to find their independence. If they’ve been home for a while and there is a lot of pain and conflict? Pushing them towards independence might even salvage your relationship with them rather than allowing further harms to it.

Discuss a timeline and an “exit plan” with them. For instance, for now, they may stay and you’ll provide a roof and groceries but only for an agreed upon amount of time. Negotiate a date where the expectation is they have found a job or other way to support themselves, have saved for a damage deposit etc, and found their own place to live, whether an apartment, roommate situation or whatever suits them. But the point is you’ve set a firm limit and you’re willing to follow through for yours and their best interest. This not to say we shouldn’t have empathy for our child and since you’re the parent you’re certainly allowed to be as tough or as lenient as you see fit. But really try to look at the situation clearly and really ask yourself, what is truly the best thing for you and your adult child in the long term? Sometimes the best decisions can be the hardest ones.

If you’re dealing with this situation with your adult child, good luck in working through it and finding a positive resolution! No family is perfect. Keep in mind that this is really a common problem of life for many families and you’ll get through it as best you can!

Filed Under: Family Therapy, General, Parenting, Relationships, Teens/Children