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Putting it to Bed: Good Sleep and Negative Emotions

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Good Sleep and Negative Emotions

Why do we need good sleep for good mental health?  We usually tend to think of sleep as a quiet and inactive time.   But this is really not the case; sleep is actually an active period in which a lot of very important processing, restoration, and growth occurs.  How this process happens and why our bodies need such a long period of rest every night is really still a mystery.    We require sleep in order to restore and repair our minds and bodies.  Sleep helps us repair damaged tissue, grow muscle, and during sleep our bodies even produce/synthesize hormones.   That being said, science is still puzzled by all of he connections between sleep and mental health.   Let’s explore good sleep and negative emotions starting with some interesting new research about how sleep helps us deal with emotional pain.

Haunted by the Past

Recent research has started to really help science understand why our brain needs sleep and how this process is connected to emotions and memory.   The journal article entitled “Haunted by the past: old emotions remain salient in insomnia disorder” from the Netherlands Institute for Neuroscience,  suggests that insomnia could primarily be caused by brains that have a difficulty with the “neutralization of emotional distress”.   This important finding supports the idea that insomnia is a primary risk factor involved in the development of mood disorders like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress. The findings were published on 25 April 2019 in the leading scientific journal Brain.

Previous research has shown that one of the main purposes of sleep is to help the brain process all of the events and emotions that we experience during our busy and active days.  As part of that process, the brain tries to process and “deregulate” the strong  emotional things that we might feel.   For instance we have a big fight with our coworker or our spouse that makes us feel some really strong emotions like anger, sadness, fear or insecurity.    Getting a good night’s sleep helps us pack away negative emotional pain effectively “putting it to bed”.

It is a well-known fact that sleep helps us to remember important experiences. But sleep is also essential for getting rid of the emotional distress that may have occurred during those experiences. Both these overnight processes involve changes in the connections between brain cells: some become stronger and consolidate memories, whereas others are weakened and get rid of unwanted associations. “Sayings like ‘sleeping on it’ to ‘get things off your mind’ reflect our nocturnal digestion of daytime experiences. Brain research now shows that only good sleepers profit from sleep when it comes to shedding emotional tension. The process does not work well in people with insomnia. In fact, their restless nights can even make them feel worse” says first author Rick Wassing.

In layman’s terms, getting good sleep allows us to pack away negative events and feelings and this allows us to deal with
them more effectively.   If we don’t sleep well, distressing events from our past, maybe even from decades ago might continue to activate the emotional circuits of the brain — kind of mimicking and replaying them.  This causes us to feel these strong emotional memories over and over again — and over the long term, this may affect both our sleep and our mental health.

The study’s authors Rick Wassing, Frans Schalkwijk and Eus van Someren sum it up nicely:  “people with insomnia are haunted by memories of past distress”.

Getting Healthy Sleep

Healthy sleep is critical for everyone, since every single day we need to build and maintain our memory and learn new skills to live our life in better ways. This is probably why children need more sleep than adults. All day, every day, children learn language, social, and motor skills and that’s really a lot of information to process.   During these crucial periods of growth and learning, younger people need a large dose of nightly slumber for optimal development and health.   One-year-olds need about 11 to 14 hours nightly, school age children between 9 and 11, and teenagers between 9 and 11.   Adults on the other hand usually only need need 7-9 hours of sleep per night, but even then that 7-9 hours is crucial to our physical health and mental wellness.

How do we know if sleep is affecting our mental health or vice versa?

One, if we’re having problems falling asleep and we toss and turn with our heads full of negative thoughts and/or fears — this is often a sign something is amiss.

Two, if we have lots of fitful sleep with nightmares and or weird dreams about stressful things.   Everyone has occasional bad dreams, but if they happen more frequently or increase in intensity, these are both signs something is wrong and we might need to get help and especially if the bad dreams are really making us sad, anxious or fearful.

Three, early morning waking, meaning waking up two or three hours before your alarm on a regular basis and having difficulty falling back to sleep may be a sign of high stress, anxiety, depression or PTSD or other mental health issues.

Insomnia and depression or anxiety that affect your sleep are all very treatable conditions.  Addressing these problems can help you improve the quality of your life and your sleep.   Talk with your family doctor and or see a psychologist about your sleep troubles and any mood concerns you get be having.

Thanks for reading my blog about Good Sleep and Negative Emotions:    Here are some good tips for better sleep that I put together:

 

References

Netherlands Institute for Neuroscience https://nin.nl/insomniacs-unable-emotional-distress-mind/

Rick Wassing, Frans Schalkwijk, Oti Lakbila-Kamal, Jennifer R Ramautar, Diederick Stoffers, Henri J M M Mutsaerts, Lucia M Talamini, Eus J W Van Someren, Haunted by the past: old emotions remain salient in insomnia disorder, Brain, Volume 142, Issue 6, June 2019, Pages 1783–1796, https://doi.org/10.1093/brain/awz089

Why Do We Need Sleep?    https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/why-do-we-need-sleep

Images from www.pixabay.com

Sleep, mental health & some tips for better zzzz’s

 

 

 

Filed Under: Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, Sleep

Depression and Your Sex Life

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Depression affects people in many ways, both mentally and physically and it can have a really significant impact on your libido or sexual drive.   To put it simply, when in a depression, a person is usually less likely to feel sexually aroused or even care about sexuality — let alone want to enjoy their sex life.  Depression itself, the stresses of managing it, or even sometimes the side effects of antidepressants can all affect sex drive and performance.

Research in the past has found that depression can lower or paradoxically even raise the sex drive in some people.  Depression can affect the ability to get aroused and have an erection in men.    In women, depression can affect the ability to become aroused, make it difficult to orgasm or even affect the menstrual cycle itself.

Not surprisingly depression extinguishes libido, makes the person resistant to arousal, and may actually impair the physiological vasocongestive sexual response. Erection in the male is especially vulnerable to depression. There is some evidence to indicate that endocrine as well as psychological factors may play a role in the diminished sexuality of depressed patients (Reynaert et al 2010)

How does depression affect sex?

Overall, sexuality is most often affected in these general ways with depression:

  1. The levels of hormones and neurotransmitters involved in depression (like serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine) may also lower the libido, decreasing your want for sex and may also decrease your actual physical sexual performance.   Also when someone is depressed or anxious, the levels of the stress hormones, like cortisol, increase significantly and the body effectively goes into a fight-flight response.  In the fight-flight response, the mind and body become solely concerned with basic survival matters and sexuality isn’t even an afterthought.   In fact, excessive stress and cortisol may even lower the body’s level of sexual hormones; so no wonder stress has such an effect on sex!
  2. Depression causes fatigue and an overall lack of interest in living life, and of course, sex is not an exception.  Strong feelings of disinterest in the world, overwhelming fatigue and tiredness often don’t leave much room for sexuality.  Secondly, people who are depressed often withdraw and isolate themselves from others — withdrawal and isolation do not fit well together with sexuality.
  3. Depression can make also make the sufferer feel crappy about themselves and this affects self-esteem and how they “see” themselves, both physically and mentally.  If someone sees themselves in this negative light, it’s hard to be vulnerable, open and literally “naked” with someone else.
  4. The medications used to treat depression, the SSRI’s and SSNRI’s, can have side effects that can seriously affect sexual function.  These side effects present themselves in two main ways.  One, some people have a significantly reduced desire for sexuality and two, some people report having a side effect that involves the delay of orgasm.  Some people on certain antidepressants may even lose the ability to orgasm altogether!  Here’s a good article on the sexual side effects of antidepressants:    Managing Antidepressant Sexual Side Effects

So, what can you do if you or a loved one is struggling with the complicated issue of sex and depression?

Access Therapy 

One of the best ways to deal with all of the issues around sexuality and depression is to access therapy with a professional like a Psychologist or Clinical Social Worker.  Accessing therapy can help you “work on” the depression overall and there are literally mountains of research showing that therapy works to help people with depression.   Particularly, there is a lot of research showing that two types of therapy are particularly helpful for depression.  From the American Psychological Association:

Two of the most common evidence-based therapies for depression are cognitive behavioural therapy and interpersonal therapy.

  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy in which patients learn to identify and manage negative thought and behaviour patterns that can contribute to their depression. CBT helps patients identify unhelpful or negative thinking, change inaccurate beliefs, change bbehavioursthat might make depression worse, and interact with others in more positive ways.
  • Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) is a form of therapy in which patients learn to improve their relationships with others by better expressing their emotions and solving problems in healthier ways. IPT helps patients resolve or adapt to troubling life events, build social skills and organize their relationships to increase support for coping with depressive symptoms and life stressors.

Therapy has been proven to be as effective, if not more effective than using antidepressant medications, and without the side effects! As well, research shows that using therapy may be more effective in the long term than using antidepressant medications.

Explore medications and other treatment options 

If you are on antidepressants and you find they are working for your depression but causing sexual side effects like loss of libido or delayed ejaculation/orgasm — you may want to consult with your GP or Psychiatrist to try a different antidepressant medication that may affect you less when it comes to sexuality.   If you are on antidepressant medications and they don’t seem to be helping with the depression and they are causing sexual side effects, you may want to try another option like psychotherapy or even something new like neurofeedback strategies, vagus nerve stimulation or even significantly changing your diet and exercise plans.  Take the time, be honest with, and consult with your doctor and explore the other options that may be available.

And of course, never stop using an antidepressant medication without first consulting a medical professional!

Self-care 

Self-care is crucial to anyone suffering from depression.   Self-care first of all means being kinder to yourself and becoming aware of your needs.   Self-care also means doing the things in your life that are healthy and positive. Eating well, hydrating, taking medications that are helping, going to therapy, getting plenty of fresh air and exercise are all part of caring for yourself. If you take better overall care of yourself you may actually find some relief from the depression and in turn, an increased interest in our sexuality.  Here are some links to effective self-care strategies:

  1.   7-steps-to-emotional-self-care
  2. 45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body, and Soul

Work on your sexuality & relationship!

As simple as it sounds, actually taking the time and effort to work on the sexual relationship with your partner (regardless of the depression) can pay off with big returns.   Sexuality can even have a positive effect in lessening depression as it creates a sense of human connection and lowers our levels of overall anxiety and stress!  The warm afterglow of sex gives you an endorphin/hormone boost that can often help alleviate depressive symptoms, even if only for a short while.

To work on a sexual relationship there has to be connection and communication.   Here are some ways to start to do that:

  • Learn to connect with your partner without the stress of sexual performance expected or involved:   A good way to improve the connection with our partner is to keep physically connected to them without expectations of sex.  Holding hands, hugging, kissing and cuddling are great ways to help us reconnect.   We can also go for walks together, give each other massages, or maybe even cooking a meal together can be a great way to start connecting.
  • Communicate with your partner: Sex is really a form of communication between partners and often depression’s tendency towards isolation and solitude can really affect this ongoing communication with your partner.    There has to be an effort made to connect and share your thoughts with your partner if we want our relationship to improve sexually and otherwise.  Partners need to share with each other the details of their sexual needs and interests.   Interestingly too, creating this increased “sense of connection” with our partner can also even help with your depression. There is a great deal of research showing that increased human connection can have a great effect in helping someone lessen their depression.  As well, making an effort in the areas of communication and empathy for each other may take some of the sexual pressure off the relationship.  Like any other part of a relationship, it’s truly on both partners to take the time to negotiate and accommodate the how, when, where and why of sex.
  • Prioritize your sexuality: Make the time for sexuality in your life, even schedule it if you have to!   You may also find it helpful to have sex even if you’re not completely feeling in the mood.  Of course, you shouldn’t force yourself to do anything you don’t want to, but sometimes pushing yourself a wee bit can have a great payoff.    Sometimes the “hardest part” of sex is the getting started part!   Often many people realize mid-sex that sex is actually way more fun than they remember.
  • Expectations and Compromise:  Like any other part of a relationship, sexuality is about having realistic expectations and compromising.    If depression is limiting your sexuality to some degree?  Maybe it may be a good thing to keep an open mind and experiment a little with the kinds and types of sexuality that we have in our relationship.  For instance, if in the past, sex sessions lasted hours long and were very physical in nature — maybe if there is depression involved now, it’s okay to experiment with a different kind of sexuality that may be less intense or requires less energy and intensity?  One that may be shorter in length or more about connection and passion, or may include sexual different acts that make both partners content?    As long as both partner’s needs are made paramount, its okay to experiment with different kinds of sex acts that take into account the effects of depression.
  • Seek the help of a professional:  If you’ve tried some different strategies and you and your partner are still struggling with sex and depression you may want to seek the services of a psychologist, sex therapist or a couples therapist to help you navigate and improve this area of your life.

Depression doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of sexuality in a relationship.  We may have to change some expectations on ourselves, our partner or in other areas like frequency or type of sex, but it doesn’t have to be the end.   If both partners make an effort to be caring and empathic with each other, sexuality can continue to be a way to connect and show our partner our love for them, regardless of the depression.

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

 

References

Christine Reynaert, Nicolas Zdanowicz, Pascale Janne & Denis Jacques  DEPRESSION AND SEXUALITY Psychiatria Danubina, 2010; Vol. 22, Suppl. 1, pp 111–113 Conference paper

OVERCOMING DEPRESSION HOW PSYCHOLOGISTS HELP WITH DEPRESSIVE DISORDERS — American Psychological Association Fact Sheet 2016

DeRubeis, R. J., Siegle, G. J., & Hollon, S. D. (2008). Cognitive therapy vs. medications for depression: Treatment outcomes and neural mechanisms. Nature Reviews. Neuroscience, 9(10), 788–796. http://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2345

Leuner B, Glasper ER, Gould E (2010) Sexual Experience Promotes Adult Neurogenesis in the Hippocampus Despite an Initial Elevation in Stress Hormones. PLoS ONE 5(7): e11597. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0011597

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Depression

Why Don’t People With Depression Just Get Over It?

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When we consider depression in our society, a lot of people seem to overlook that it is is really and truly an illness that is a lot more complicated than just a temporary bad feeling, it’s really an illness or disease that often requires proper and ongoing medical or psychological treatment.

If you’re someone who’s depressed, it can be incredibly disheartening and frustrating to continuously hear things like:

“Why can’t you just get over it?”

  “Just cheer up already”

“Can’t you just smile more?”

“Maybe you just need to be stronger and tougher?”

“It’s just life.  Learn to deal with it”

“You can choose to be happy if you really want to”

Here’s a great article on some better things to say:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culture-shrink/201507/6-things-you-can-say-support-someone-whos-depressed

Sometimes people really seem to have the view that being depressed is really just about making a bad personal choice — that people suffering from the illness, really just choose to be sad and “down”.   You might feel and think things to yourself like:

“Why me?”

“Why am I the only one?”

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Why does only my life suck?” 

“Why can’t I… just get over it?”

Why is everyone else so happy? 

But for many people, when it comes to the illness of depression, it’s just very, very difficult, if not impossible, to just stop being depressed; to just paste on a happy smile and feel better.

But why can’t people with depression just “get over it?”   Interesting enough, some people actually do — some people can take the bull by the horns and tackle their depression, often with the help of medication, therapy, or physical exercise.   But for many people, and especially those with more severe depression, it’s really just not that easy.

So let’s look at a number of important reasons why people just don’t “get over” depression:

 It’s a tangible & substantial physical illness  

Depression isn’t just in the sufferers head!   Make no mistake, depression is an illness, one that a person often has very little control over, just like any other illness. Nobody tells people with diabetes or cancer or broken bones to just get over it and get better already!   So why should people with depression feel pressured by confused helpers to ‘just get over’ their illness?  Unfortunately, misguided friends and families often do not realize that the illness is a real, substantial physical “thing”.   Really,  one of the best ways to help someone suffering is to first really and truly educate themselves about the disease!  If people with depression feel understood and supported by their loved ones, it can often truly help their healing.

Here are some great links to educate yourself and family members about depression:

1. CMHA Depression     2. NIMH: Depression      3. themighty.com/depression/

In fact, people uneducated about mental health often think that depression is just about feeling sad or bad or about having a few negative thoughts — but for many people, depression presents as having many distinct symptoms that actually affect their physical bodies.

In fact, physical symptoms are thought to occur in about 50 to 90% of depressed patients!

The physical symptoms of depression can include:

  • chronic joint and limb pain
  • headaches and neck pain
  • back pain
  • gastrointestinal problems (diarrhoea, upset, nausea, cramps, etc.)
  • tiredness, exhaustion/severe fatigue
  • significant sleep disturbances (either too much or too little)
  • psychomotor activity changes (slowed speech, thinking, responding and body movements)
  • degrees of physical agitation and restlessness
  • significant appetite and weight changes

Many people ask, how can there be physical symptoms if depression is something that supposedly takes place in our brains?

The best answer is that depression is a disease that takes place in our brains, of course, with distorted thinking and strong negative emotional feelings — but it is also located in other body systems as well.   Depression is really a very complicated disorder that involves physical (genetic/biological), environmental, social and psychological components.   Without a doubt, it’s really much more complicated than just feeling the blues!

The reality is that it is a disease that is both mental AND physical in nature, a real and substantial medical disorder — it’s not just about feeling sad — and the existence and prevalence of the physical symptoms really prove this to be true.

Here’s a link to more information about the physical symptoms of depression: https://roberthammel.com/physical-depression/

Depression really and truly feels like it’s out of the sufferer’s control

People experiencing depression often describe it as struggling with an “unconscious” emotional process that is happening “to them” and feels largely outside of their control.  Remember that depression is an especially complex disease involving a combination of biological/genetic, psychological and social factors.   People with depression really feel like their symptoms are out of their control and there is very little they can do about it.  Feeling desperately hopeless and helpless are truly two of the most difficult symptoms of having depression.   Is it truly out of their control though?  The answer is possibly and maybe.   Often the hardest part of helping yourself with depression is making and attending that first therapy appointment or starting an exercise program or starting that self-help book.       Although many may feel their depression is totally out of their control, many people also feel they do have some degree of control and by doing things like proper self-care and going to therapy they can actually gain some purchase over their disease.  Going to therapy may not always cure the disease, but it can almost always help lessen the suffering.

For some sufferers, the symptoms can be truly debilitating

As mentioned earlier people with depression display both physical and mental/emotional symptoms.  For some people with more severe depression, their particular combination of symptoms can really pack a punch!   

Imagine a scenario where:

  • you feel extremely hopeless and helpless
  • you feel sad and lonely most of the day
  • you don’t feel that you’re good enough
  • you can’t sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night
  • you have strong out of control feelings of worry and anxiety
  • you have regular nausea or even diarrhoea
  • you have frequent headaches and lower back pain

How easy would it be to get through your workday with that long list of symptoms  tormenting you?   For some people, depression can be legitimately debilitating.   This is the reason that insurance companies follow the medical science, recognize depression as a legitimate disorder and will allow a medical leave from work.  The reality is that for many people depression is a significant life-changing experience.

You can’t just choose to make it stop 

Nobody likes feeling depressed for weeks or months on end.  But just because you want to feel better doesn’t mean you can just flip a switch in your brain and feel better. Depression is really an insidious and enduring illness.    You can want to feel better all you want, but until the illness has run its course, or you have the energy to make an effort to explore appropriate self-help strategies; improve your self-care; or even start to work with a therapist — there is no really any fast or magical route to getting better.    Maybe the most important thing,  though, is to start doing the small things to take care of yourself which are then often the first steps to start feeling better.  In my many years of private practice with people with depression is that those who manage their depression better are the people who can start to be even a little proactive.  The people who can “dig deep” and try, even a little, are often the ones who can lessen their symptoms or even conquer their depression sooner.   In fact, every time we work on managing our depression, we can help ourselves build a sense of resiliency that will help us the next time depression rears its ugly head.

 You can only “pretend to be okay” so much

People always seem to expect depressed people to just paste a huge, happy smile on their face and pretend like everything is perfectly okay and peachy.  They’re told you should just fake it to make it!

A great idea in theory, but when it comes to being depressed, you just can’t pretend that your strong negative emotions and feelings don’t exist.  Unfortunately, the depressed mind often just keeps replaying the same negative thoughts and emotions like a repeating film reel being viewed over and over again.

In a way, the depressed brain can be seen as being “miswired” and because of this miswiring, it can get stuck in a loop of bringing up our sad and negative emotions, reminding us of our past errors/mistakes and constantly thinking about and worrying about our future. Because of this miswiring problem, you can get stuck in repeating cycles of self-loathing, fearfulness, worry and despair that can really interfere with your ability to experience your life in meaningful and fulfilling ways.

In fact, there is actually some research that has found that if a person who is depressed actively suppresses the negative thoughts, they may paradoxically make those negative thoughts even stronger and more likely to reoccur!  Sometimes sufferers experience whats called rumination, where they have negative and obsessive thoughts that repeat over and over again in a loop and they can’t just push those thoughts and feelings away.    If they try to push them away it can actually make them feel worse!  Depression of this kind pushes out any feelings of contentment and joy in life.   It’s really hard to pretend everything is fine when your miswired brain is telling you over and over and over again, in no uncertain terms, that things are the diametric opposite of okay!  So really, a depressed person can’t just push away those negative thoughts, as their brain deeply believes that is their current reality!

 Like any other illness, it can vary by person

Like we’ve discussed above, because the illness is just so very complicated, people often experience it in different ways and exhibit different combinations of the symptoms. Just because one certain person can go about most of their daily activities with depression, does not mean that everyone with depression can.    We simply can’t judge all people as the being the same!  Some people are mildly affected, while some are affected a great deal and are debilitated to the point of not being able to leave their home or even their bed!

Some people feel that depression is only just a bout with the blues — but the reality is that depression is a substantial, tangible, physical illness that can be very severe and even incapacitating for some people.   Regardless of how you’re affected though, accessing therapy can probably be a great start to help you or a family member deal with whatever form your depression takes.

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

 

References

Wenzlaff, R.M. & Luxton, D.D.    The Role of Thought Suppression in Depressive Rumination   Cognitive Therapy and Research (2003) 27: 293. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1023966400540

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Depression, Trauma, Uncategorized

7 Important Steps to Liking Yourself

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So, what is self-esteem?

Here’s an interesting question we seldom ask ourselves:

Do you actually like yourself?

Take a few seconds to think about it.   When asked this question, most people either don’t know how to respond or they respond with a pat, canned answer like,  “Like myself?  Of course, I like myself”,  or they maybe even react defensively and say,   “What kind of a dumb question is that?!?”

Regardless, if you ask enough people (which I have actually done in my therapy practice), you will quickly discover that people who haven’t thought about this question much, either have a high sense of natural self-esteem or they are on the opposite end of the spectrum, and they don’t seem to like themselves all that much.

Are you someone who’s truly happy in their own skin? Are you happy with your appearance, how much money you make, your education or job, your intelligence, your abilities, or the past life decisions you’ve made; or are you continually comparing yourself to other people, really wishing you could be more like them and less like yourself?  Does it feel like everyone else is smarter, richer, better looking, more educated?   When you look in the mirror, who do you see looking back?   Do you see someone you like or someone who just doesn’t quite live up to your own high expectations?

Our own judgment of our self-worth, or in other words, our self-esteem, is largely based on how we feel about ourselves, right now at this moment and secondly, how we see and judge ourselves through looking back at our past.

What exactly is self-esteem? Self-esteem is about how we value ourselves; how we perceive our value in the world and how we perceive how valuable we think we are to others.  Self-esteem affects our confidence, motivation and resilience and our ability to trust in others.  It affects our relationships, our abilities and skills at work — really every part of our lives. Self-esteem gives us the inner strength and adaptability to take measured gambles in our lives and drive forward through difficult circumstances.   Self-esteem gives us the super useful ability to make blunders and mistakes, yet still be able to forgive ourselves and actually grow from those mistakes into fuller, stronger more resilient people.

What about low self-esteem?   Low self-esteem can be both a socially and emotionally troubling condition that keeps many people from living their lives fully or from realizing their full potential. A person with low self-esteem can feel unworthy, shameful, inadequate, and incompetent.

Often because the person with low self-esteem feels so poorly about themselves, it becomes a vicious cycle where their thoughts and feelings of low self-esteem may actually be part of what’s maintaining the person’s continued low self-esteem.

In other words, low self-esteem can become a viciously self-perpetuating habit of thinking.

So, self-esteem is actually quite crucial to us if we want to “feel good”, in fact, for many people experiencing anxiety, depression and other mental illness low self-esteem is often both a symptom and a cause.

If you’re someone who is overly critical of yourself and you feel down about who you are as a person, here are 7 ways you can start to learn to like yourself better:

1. Accomplishments, Successes and Achievements

Sometimes we focus really hard on everything that might be wrong with us, rather than on what’s right.  When you’ve done something well, it’s important that you acknowledge this victory, no matter how small it is and maybe even relish it?

It doesn’t have to be something super huge, either. It could even be that you make a really delicious gourmet meal or that you’re a really good friend.  It can be that you’re really making an effort to be physically fit or even that you’ve finally started reading The Complete Works of Shakespeare, or maybe even just reading your first book in a long time.   Allow yourself the pleasure of enjoying every little thing you do right rather than focusing on what you do wrong.  Change your perspective about yourself and really make an effort to look for all the good things about you!  Look accurately at yourself and the long list of achievements you’ve already made in your life — learn how to feel good about who you are and what you’ve done.

2. Really, Who’s Perfect? 

If you’ve been relentlessly comparing yourself to other people all your life, it’s time for you to stop this terrible habit and realize that no one, absolutely no one is perfect.  Not the talking heads on breakfast TV, not the models you see online or on the cover of magazines, nor all the actors you see on Netflix.  They all have on-call makeup artists and even plastic surgeons — not to mention the magic of photoshop and their powerful marketing teams promoting their “brand”.

Intellectually, there’s always, always, someone smarter than you. Or financially, always someone that makes more money or has a bigger house.  Comparing ourselves to others is truly folly.   No one is perfect, no one.

3. Looking at Values

Maybe it’s really and truly okay to just be an average person?   Maybe it’s actually okay to work an average job, live in a small, rented place and drive a 5-year-old fuel-efficient Hyundai?    Maybe instead of buying into the idea that we can purchase the right clothes, car, cookware, home and lifestyle that will make us “fit in”  — we should maybe instead decide to pride ourselves on being a truly good person, honest, compassionate and caring?   Rather than comparing ourselves to others and their bank accounts and achievements, we should instead really look to our own deepest held values?   Perhaps holding the values of kindness, caring and compassion for others will actually help us build our self-esteem from the inside out!        

4. Creating Successes  

One of the best ways to really increase our self-esteem is to really make an effort to fight our fears and anxieties and start creating more positive accomplishments in our life.  Perhaps there are many things about yourself that you would like to change. Do you want to lose weight, work out and have a better body, maybe it’s about getting a university degree, or getting a better more fulfilling job?

Oftentimes we will resent ourselves for not reaching the highly impossible goals we have set for ourselves. If there are big goals you would like to reach, try to be realistic in setting the timelines and be patient with yourself.  Break the goal down into smaller parts and really celebrate any achievement no matter how small it might seem.   If the goal is to lose weight, start small and start tracking and reducing what you eat.  And maybe going to the gym 5 days a week is too much and we should start with 2 or 3 times instead?   If we want to pursue a uni degree maybe taking the first step is to contact a counsellor at a university and really explore how to start the process and then maybe start with just the first class?  It all starts with goal setting and then practising how to be more determined!

Here’s a great link on how to set goals using the SMART Goals strategy:

http://hrweb.mit.edu/performance-development/goal-setting-developmental-planning/smart-goals

5. Use Affirmations

One great way to start growing our sense of self-esteem is to use affirmations to actually “reprogram our brain” to see ourselves differently.  Low self-esteem is created over a lifetime of experience and letting go of those deeply established feelings and actions is not easy. It may take some time and effort, and for some people, it may even require professional therapy.  But there a simple, positive thinking technique called affirmations can often effectively be used to help improve our self-esteem.

Using affirmations is a way to stop using our negative self-trash-talk and replace it with affirmations, which are encouraging simple messages we can give ourselves every day, in effect reprogramming our brain.  These positive messages will eventually become part of our feelings and beliefs.  We can also use positive messages to replace the negative ones.

For example, replace the message “I made a boneheaded mistake, and I am no good at this job,” with “Okay, I made a mistake but I will learn from it, and now I do can a better job.”

You can even begin each day by looking at yourself squarely in the eye in the mirror and giving yourself an affirmation or even a series of them.  We can also keep them as a list in our pocket or on your phone and if we sense we’re feeling kind of down on ourselves, we can grab them and immediately fight back against the negative self-defeating thoughts we might be having.  The following simple affirmations can help you to work towards better self-esteem:

• I am likeable

• I have lots of skills and abilities

• I can be strong, confident and able when I need to

• Mistakes are just a necessary prelude to achievement

• I am competent, smart and able

• I accept myself just as I am

• Life is what it is and a lot of it is pretty darn good

• I am growing and changing for the better

• My life is about me, not other people

6. See Yesterday with a Kinder Eye

Sometimes we may not like ourselves because of our past actions and behaviours. It’s super important though to maybe cut yourself some slack about long past history.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and perhaps it’s not fair to judge our past based on what we know now.    In your past, you may not have always acted kindly toward others.  Perhaps you acted selfishly, maybe in defensive or even hostile ways more often than you really care to admit.  But this is all really part of being human — we all make mistakes with others and we may not always act in the best ways we could.   But to put it bluntly?   We can’t change it!  The past is the past and we can only learn from it.   Repeat this message to yourself when you feel bad about the past:

You did the best you could with what you had at the time!

The best thing to do is to maybe actually embrace your past, even with all of our faults and mistakes.    Look at your past without judgement, with the intention of learning from your actions and behaviours.   No one is perfect and we’ve all made mistakes in some way shape or form.

7. Like Most of Yourself

Is it really reasonable to expect to like all 100% of yourself, all of the time?   Probably not, because, we’re all human, we’re all flawed and we’re all imperfect. Let’s say that again.  We’re all human, flawed and imperfect.  So really, maybe its OK to only like 75 or  80% of ourselves on any particular day?    You can still live a really good and maybe even great life when you think ‘only’ 80% of you is awesome.  80% is a pretty good place to be.  It also gives us some room to improve and grow. Growing and changing and adapting is really the very nature of being human.  Being imperfect gives us something to shoot for!

 

Having a good level of self-esteem is really super important to our overall well-being.  Getting there can be difficult for some people though; especially if you’ve endured having low self-esteem for a long time, maybe even all of your life.  Working with a therapist can really make the journey to self-improvement less bumpy. A therapist can help by listening, clarifying and strategizing with you to help improve your self-esteem and your life.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring therapy to improve your self-esteem, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

And here’s another blog with some quick tips to reduce self-doubt https://roberthammel.com/3-ways-to-overcome-self-doubt/

Filed Under: Addiction, Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, Depression, General, Self-Esteem, Trauma

Four Ways To Increase Your Happiness

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Happiness is a very popular subject in our modern world.   There are countless books in your local bookstore, shelf after shelf of titles, all professing to have “the secret” to happiness.  Why do we have such a fascination and maybe even obsession with finding happiness?

Research from the field of positive psychology explores the concept of happiness and defines a happy person as someone who feels frequent positive emotions, such as joy and a greater overall sense of pleasure/contentment.   Happy people aren’t just happier, they are also less troubled and experience the negative emotions, such as anxiety, sadness, and anger less frequently.  Greater happiness has also been related to life satisfaction/appreciation of life and numerous studies have also shown that happier individuals are also more successful across multiple life domains —including marriage, friendship, income, work performance, and health  (Lyubomirsky et al., 2005).

Research has also suggested that happiness doesn’t just feel good, it is also linked to other huge benefits such as less disease, lower stress, better heart health, better immune-system function and even a longer life!   So then, if it’s that important, why does happiness seem to be kind of a slippery concept that escapes and eludes so many people?

In our not too distant past, humans were busy running and hiding from animals that wanted to eat us and when we weren’t running and hiding, we were searching for food.  We didn’t have the time or energy to be concerned with whether or not we were happy.  But now, thanks to the wonders of modern life, like wonderfully abundant food, fewer hungry sabre tooth tigers, and modern medicine, life has gotten much, much, much easier.   Modern humans have considerably extended their lifespans and we now have the time to belly button gaze and explore deeper philosophical issues like, what is happiness?  We have also evolved giant intelligent and logical brains with which we can explore our world and wonder why we aren’t happier?

But What Is Happiness?  

We certainly feel happy emotions when we are spending time with the people we love.  When we’re enjoying activities like listening to music or exercising, spending time in nature or relaxing with a book in front of the fireplace.  We feel happy when we’re watching a funny movie (Monty Python anyone?) or eating our favourite food at our favourite restaurant. But perhaps happiness is more than just a temporary emotion because emotions are often short-lived and transient.

So how can we look at happiness differently then?

Happiness is maybe better seen as a “state of mind” involving our perceptions, our feelings, our consciousness and even more importantly, having a sense of intentionality and purpose.   Happiness can maybe best seen as something deliberate, intentional and strategic. This is good news for us because it means we can purposely make good choices that lead us to a more positive state of mind & happiness.  We can also look to the people who seem to be naturally happy and even learn and mimic what they do!

And here are four things that they do differently:

1) They Understand Growth is Often Unpleasant or Even Sometimes Painful!

Many people play life really, really safe. They go to the same job every day for 30 years even though they don’t like it,  they eat the same foods at the same restaurants, vacation every single year at the same time and place, and spend their free time with the same people doing the same things.   But sustained happiness is perhaps about not always being so secure, safe and settled. It’s maybe about self-discovery and growth, which by definition demands a life lived outside of your comfort zone!

A friend and I were having a discussion a little while ago about how, when we’re on a vacation, in a new place with new surroundings and people, we really and truly feel more alive and happy!   How did you feel the last time you were on vacation in a new place?  Did you feel more vital and alive?     I think that’s maybe because we’re fully outside our comfort zone in those new situations and places, our brain is highly stimulated and we sense and feel that everything is fresh and exciting.  We feel alive, and when we feel alive, maybe we feel happier?

The ancient Greeks described happiness as:

…the joy that we feel when we’re striving after our potential.

Can you truly be happy if you dislike your job and you’re just biding your time until retirement, or if your marriage is stale and feels disconnected, or if you have no hobbies or interests that you’re truly passionate about?   Probably not.   So maybe we need to steadily strive for things outside of our comfort zone to grow emotionally and feel happy?

2) They Are Curious

Part of getting out of our comfort zone is being curious.  A 2007 study found that happy people seem to have an instinctive grasp of the fact that happiness requires growth and frequently adventuring outside the confines of your comfort zone. Happy people are curious about life and their world.  Researchers Todd Kashdan and Michael Steger found that when their study participants monitored their everyday activities, those who regularly felt curious on a given day also reported more frequent growth-oriented behaviors, experienced a greater presence of feelings of “life meaning”,  life satisfaction and happiness and also engaged in the highest number of happiness creating activities, such as communicating gratitude to a co-worker or freely volunteering to help others.    Being curious also predicted greater persistence of meaning in life from one day to the next.  So by being curious every day maybe we can actually feel more happiness and satisfaction with life!    So making an effort to be curious and exploring your world every day can make you happier!

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

Dalai Lama

3) They Don’t Worry Or Fret About the Details

The book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” was super popular a while ago, and yes, at first glance, it does seem to be a strategy that’s maybe just a little too simplistic, however, it can really be an important part of our overall happiness strategy.    Happy people don’t worry about the small stuff and they really try to not be overly perfectionistic.  Rather, they often hold a less serious attitude about their performance.   Psychology research from Shigehiro Oishi and his colleagues (2007) has actually found that the happiest people, defined as those who scored higher on measures of life satisfaction, typically didn’t perform quite as well as more moderately happy people in life accomplishments like grades, school attendance, or even high work salaries.  So perhaps, always striving for achievements and perfection may somehow even make us less happy?

This is not to say that we should stop trying our best in life. But it does suggest that maybe it’s okay to surrender some degree of achievement if it means letting go of the fretting, worry and perfectionism that steals some of our happiness.  Like many things in life, maybe it’s really about finding a healthy balance between endeavouring for achievement and being more relaxed and untroubled?

4)  They Explore & Accept Their Feelings

You would think that really happy people are always happy all of the time, but that really doesn’t seem to be the case at all.  Truly happy people recognize the reality that every life has its share of disappointments, obstacles, frustrations and problems.   They accept this reality and have reasonable expectations of their world.   Like Ella Fitzgerald sang:

Into each life some rain must fall…

Psychologically healthy people are those that understand the importance of actually paying attention to and feeling their genuine emotions even if they aren’t always positive.  Happy people don’t deny or ignore their disagreeable or uncomfortable emotions.  They realize that negative emotions and “bad feelings” are a normal part of everyone’s life.  Everyones.   Rather than denying these feelings, they instead try to manage their negative emotions with positive coping strategies, like physical exercise, or therapy, or hobbies, or yoga, or mindfulness, etc.  They also realize that negative feelings and emotions are perhaps signs that we need to make life changes or that we may need to make better or different choices in the future.

For instance, a happy person might feel upset, sad, angry and jealous because a coworker got a promotion and they didn’t.  Happy people don’t immerse themselves in this “woe is me” feeling.  They don’t get stuck in those negative feelings of angry jealousy. They see these emotions as a sign that maybe they could have done something differently to achieve a more desirable outcome in their own life, like working harder or smarter, or that maybe the job that they’re in isn’t a good a fit, as they aren’t really progressing up the ladder.  They also try their best to navigate around their own negative feelings and instead try to feel good for their coworker and even congratulate and support them!

Looking at another scenario, perhaps if we feel anger towards someone, it’s really a sign that maybe we’re overreacting to something, or that perhaps we need to set stronger boundaries and protect ourselves better from someone who is harming us in some way.

Regardless of the emotion felt, happy people, realize that life sometimes presents us with negative situations, people and feelings and that maybe these are things that can actually help us grow and change for the better?  The important thing is to feel your feelings and not hide from them!

If you’ve always been someone who shies away from feeling their negative emotions or even denies or hides from them, it may seem difficult to actually start to feel your feelings. A therapist can help you get better acquainted with the full range of your emotional life and can even suggest some tools and strategies that can help you understand, accept and navigate your emotions in the future.

 

Finally, here are some wonderful books to further explore your own personal journey to happiness:

 

 

References

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, General, Self-Esteem

What is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)? Are you one?

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Some people just seem to be more sensitive to their environment than others — they are just more “high-strung” and aware or “sensitive” to what’s around them.   For whatever reason, these people just tend to be more sensitive than their friends,  or even than their brothers and sisters.   They are really affected by the world around them and sometimes they can’t get through a movie or even a sappy TV commercial without feeling emotional or even shedding a few tears.    The type of TV commercials about abused animals or poverty in a third world country can actually affect them deeply on a visceral level.  They can also really be affected by violent TV shows or the news.

Judgement or criticism from others really affects them and may even cause them to feel real emotional pain even if the critique is actually fairly innocuous.   They are also often very empathic and try to be kind, considerate and accommodating to those around them, sometimes even to their own detriment.

Often these people are told, “You’re way too sensitive!” or “Why do you let everything bother you so much?”   The reality is that some people are simply just more sensitive than others.  Sometimes they are not only sensitive to emotional situations, but also to loud noise/sound, bright or sudden light, and even other physical stimuli around them like the smell of a strong overpowering perfume someone in the elevator is wearing.

A popular term that is used in the current vernacular is that these people are, literally, called, Highly Sensitive People, or HSP for short.   People who are HSP might react very strongly and negatively to a mildly difficult social situation, a loud noise or a strong smell that most people would barely pick up on their radar.

There is solid psychological research showing that being an HSP is certainly a “real thing” and is likely a certain “personality trait” known as “Sensory Processing Sensitivity” (SPS) that was really first discovered by personality researchers Aron and Aron in 1997.

Research suggests that Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS), is found in about 20% of humans and in over 100 other animal species!    There is even fMRI brain scanning research showing that people with Sensory Processing Sensitivity even have brains that are much more likely to have recurrent activation in the regions involved in environmental attention and awareness, “emotional meaning making” and empathy (Acevedo, et. Al. 2014).

Why does it happen?

Evolutionarily speaking, HSP appears to be an adaptation to our environment that is designed and intended to help us survive as a species (Aron and Aron 1997).   By being more aware of and reactive to our environment, we gain an enhanced awareness of environmental possibilities and opportunities.   Being sensitive to our environment can help us in finding and accessing food sources and helps us to be more aware of threats from predators and other environmental dangers.

Being sensitive and socially aware of the nuances of human relationships can help us relate to others better and consequently have better success choosing and keeping mates, creating stronger social connections/alliances and forming stronger community bonds.   Awareness of our surroundings and creating community are some of the things that have allowed humans to thrive.  Unfortunately, people who are HSP may have too much of a good thing.  Their over-sensitivity to the environment may actually hinder their relationships and complicate their lives.

Might You Be a Highly Sensitive Person?

Do the following signs/characteristics seem familiar to you?

  • Sensitivity to criticism   Almost all criticism feels personal and even painful.   To many HSP’s there is no such thing as constructive criticism.   You are not able to let criticism “roll off your shoulders” as others seem to do.  Unfortunately, this can make you too much of a “people pleaser” and you may find it hard to set boundaries and limits with others.
  • You find it difficult to be watched when you “perform” or do something   You dislike doing things in public where you might be watched, critiqued or judged by others
  • You feel “overly” emotional in numerous situations in your life   Both positive or negative emotions are experienced intensely and you react strongly to them.
  • Sometimes you feel alone   Because other people may have told you that you need to “stop being so sensitive” or to “toughen up,” you see yourself as overly sensitive and judge yourself as inadequate or different and consequently you feel isolated or alone.
  • You’re very compassionate and generous   You have a high degree of empathy and try to offer help to those who hurt or suffer.  You’re really the person the cliché “walk a mile in another’s shoes was written for”.   You really go out of your way to avoid offending, insulting or hurting others feelings.
  • You’re especially sensitive to all kinds of external stimuli.   You seem to notice that the sounds of the nearby street are distracting, or that the overhead fluorescent lights are really “flickery”, annoying and loud.   Driving in fast heavy traffic may make you feel overstimulated.  Even noticing small things like the rough fabric of a shirt or being slightly cold in a room may make you feel much more uncomfortable than most people.
  • You notice how your body “feels” a lot of the time   You’re attuned to your body’s internal sensations and feelings.  You really feel being tired, cold, hungry, sad, anxious or worried.
  • Your emotions are “reactive”   Your personal feelings are often very strong and seem to always be there on the surface for you to think about.   You also have persistent reactions to what others around you are going through emotionally.  When your feelings and emotions about yourself and others come on so very strong, it’s really hard to ignore them or “put them away”.
  • You over analyze, overthink and worry too much   You seem to notice every little detail and spend too much time overthinking what should be a simple decision, like which laundry detergent to buy in the supermarket.  You also sometimes get stuck worrying about the future and spend a lot of time wondering:  “What if this or that happens, what if, what if, what if?”   (Here’s a link to a previous blog with some ways to start to change that overthinking pattern https://roberthammel.com/strategy-reducing-anxiety-worry-cbt-therapy/).
  • You’re really affected by making any bad decisions   When you finally do make a decision, and it turns out to be a bad one, you really take it hard. You really beat yourself up for making even the smallest mistakes.  This can create a vicious cycle that slows down your decision-making process even more — you learn that even small bad decisions affect you greatly, so you have to be super cautious making all decisions, even those small ones.
  • You may be quite sensitive to caffeine or other stimulants. 
  • You often feel fatigued or tired and often feel a sense of being overwhelmed   Because you deal intensely with your own and even other people’s emotions, and you feel a high degree of stimulation from the environment — a good part of the time — you may feel overwhelmed by all of it and feel as though you need may need to unplug or recharge more often than others.
  • You are especially polite.   Your sensitivity and awareness of the emotions of others make you very well mannered. You pay close attention to how you affect the people around you and you are very giving and “nice”.  You also get very irritated when other people are seen to be inconsiderate or ill-mannered.
  • Your mood can be significantly affected when you’re cold, hot, hungry or tired.
  • You find it really hard to say no   Because you don’t want to offend others or hurt their feelings you find it hard to say no and you often say yes when you really don’t want to.  This can leave us feeling “put out”, overwhelmed and even resentful.
  • You may be considered “artistic” and highly moved by art, nature, movies, literature etc.

If you have a good number of these characteristics, you may just be an HSP and possibly have the kind of brain that might be prone to experiencing Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS).   The only way to really tell for sure though is to meet with a qualified individual like a Psychologist who can help you explore this further.

So, What Can You Do If You Are an HSP or experience a number of these characteristics?

Being an HSP is not an easy row to hoe sometimes.  It can be difficult to have such a strong emotional connection to your world — but there are some things you can start to do for yourself to make it a bit easier:

  • Reframe your sensitivity as a positive — i.e. it’s a positive to be empathic and caring with others
  • Realize people and even the world itself are imperfect and it’s OK to make mistakes and bad decisions once in a while
  • Realize being HSP makes you unique and special and not less than others
  • Develop a sense of acceptance of who you are and remind yourself there is nothing wrong with you
  • Learn to set boundaries with people who may “take advantage” of your kindness.  Learn to say NO… politely.
  • Learn who you are and what your needs truly are.
  • Try relaxation strategies like deep breathing, physical exercise and meditation to lower your arousal
  • Have realistic expectations on yourself and cut yourself some slack
  • Limit being in highly stimulating environments and learn your sensitivity limits
  • Avoid negative ways to reduce environmental stimulation like overeating, drugs and alcohol
  • Be kind to yourself and give yourself the same empathy and kindness you give to other people
  • Realize it’s OK to take time alone to recharge and rest
  • Realize that as you grow and learn throughout your life — you can develop coping mechanisms to help you live in better ways and have HSP affect you less and less
  • Consider seeing a therapist if being HSP really affects how you want to live your life

If you find yourself feeling lots of anxiety or even feel depressed because of your emotional sensitivity — maybe it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist and find some effective coping strategies.

 

References:

Acevedo, B. P., Aron, E. N., Aron, A., Sangster, M.-D., Collins, N., & Brown, L. L. (2014). The highly sensitive brain: an fMRI study of sensory processing sensitivity and response to others’ emotions. Brain and Behavior, 4(4), 580–594. http://doi.org/10.1002/brb3.242

Aron, Elaine N. and Aron, Arthur Sensory-Processing Sensitivity and Its Relation to Introversion and Emotionality.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Copyright 1997 by the American Psychological Association, Inc. 1997, Vol. 73, No. 2, 345-368

Aron, E.N.  The highly sensitive person (HarperCollins Publishers Ltd, 1999)

Filed Under: Anxiety, Anxiety/Depression, General, Self-Esteem, Uncategorized

What Now? Questions to Ask After an Affair

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Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can feel utterly overwhelming and for some, even devastating.   It can feel like our comfortable secure world has seemingly ended!  On top of the pain from the physical/sexual betrayal are the lies they may have told and the horrible, horrible feeling of having been being deceived by the person we trust the most. It is very common for people to feel completely overwhelmed once they discover the infidelity and not know exactly how to feel or react to the situation.

It can leave us feeling angry and hostile, sad and upset, anxious and worried or even numb and empty.   When you first find about the deception, the first reaction is probably an emotional shock.   We feel the gamut of emotions — from emotional paralysis to rage, disbelief,  shock, anger, self-loathing, hatred and maybe even desperate and painful feelings of love for our partner.

Most importantly with all of these strong and often painful emotions, we need to make sure we are feeling safe.  If you’re feeling very depressed and have thoughts of self-harm or want to harm others it’s important to contact a mental health professional, call 911, call a “helpline”, or go to our local hospital emergency room.

We especially need to be sure we are taking care of ourselves by getting enough sleep, eating healthy, getting exercise and really trying to believe there is hope at the end of the tunnel and that we’ll get through this!

Here are some ways to perform better emotional self-care:    https://roberthammel.com/7-steps-to-emotional-self-care/

Once we’re taking care of ourselves better and we’re feeling calmer,  a little less emotional and more balanced, we need to slow down and ask ourselves:   What now?

1. What Now?

Once the affair has been discovered, it’s normal to feel completely out of control emotionally. You may find that it is hard for you to think calmly and clearly and very hard to focus on daily tasks like getting to work, running errands or cooking meals.  It’s also not uncommon to have no appetite or have significant problems sleeping.    For this reason, it is important that you avoid making any rushed decisions that you might regret later.     Rushed judgments and bad choices can even hinder your healing process.

Even though it may be difficult, it’s important to take your time to think about and reflect on what has happened and to take note of your thoughts and emotions before making any permanent decisions.  As you calm yourself and gather more information, you will be able to make an educated decision rather than a hurried one at the height of pain, emotion and stress.

We want to explore questions like these ones:

  • Did the affair actually end, is it really over?   Is your partner doing what it takes to make it so? 
  • What did the affair mean to your partner? Was it just for excitement or is your partner emotionally connected to the other person? 
  • Has your partner totally checked out of your marriage?  Be honest and really see them as they are, not as you want them to be. 
  • Is your partner truly contrite and sorry and wanting to repair things?
  • Do you actually want to put in the effort to continue the relationship?  Was it a good relationship in the first place?  
  • Can you really see yourself as being able to forgive this and move on someday? 
  • Scary to ponder, but could your life actually be better without this relationship? 
  • Is this a one-off or has your partner done this before?
  • Know yourself.   What do you really and truly want?  Is that even possible in these circumstances? 
  • Be reasonable and logical.   We can’t go back in time or predict the future. 
  • Might individual counselling help you get support and sort through this?
  • Might marriage counselling help? 
  • Writing our thoughts and emotions in a journal may be a big help to sort through our emotions and feelings.   The process of writing helps us slow our emotional thinking, look at things a little more accurately and make better decisions.

 

2. Is This Trauma?

After discovering your partner’s affair, it is very common for some people to experience many symptoms associated with trauma.  Most people believe trauma is only shown in individuals who have experienced a violent crime, had a car accident, are returning from combat or have experienced some other “big” thing. The reality is, trauma can be also experienced by individuals who are dealing with their partner having an affair.   Trauma is simply and accurately defined as being a strong emotional response that someone has to an extremely negative event in their lives.

Trauma symptoms may include:

  • Obsessing about or reliving the event in your mind
  • Avoidance of people, places and activities previously enjoyed
  • Lack of interest in the world around you
  • Negative thoughts about self (I’m not good enough, I’m a loser, the affair is my fault)
  • Heightened anxious emotions and reactivity  
  • Shock, denial, disbelief
  • Depression, feeling sad and hopeless
  • Feeling weepy or crying all of a sudden out of the blue
  • Difficulties focusing and concentrating
  • Anger and irritability
  • Feeling a sense of depersonalization/feeling disconnected from the world around us/like we’re 10 feet underwater
  • Hypervigilance and self-protective behaviours like checking your partner’s wallet, pockets, email, phone apps, browser history, etc.
  • Isolating yourself
  • Going into denial mode and ignoring the situation 
  • Sleeplessness, nightmares, lack of appetite

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms and they are really affecting your life, consider speaking with a therapist who can help you navigate your emotions and help you truly heal.

3. How Do I Feel About Me After the Affair?

After discovering your partner’s affair, you may begin to question yourself.  You may find yourself asking things like, “What did I do to make them do this?” Or “What is wrong with me?” Or “Why am I not good enough?”

Even the most self-confident people can be humbled into being irrational and insecure self-doubters after an infidelity comes into the light.  In a heartbeat, you are taken from feeling safe and secure to feeling insecure, angry, sad, anxious and even afraid for your future.    Blaming yourself is a super-common response, even though it’s not very helpful to your overall well-being or getting through the situation at hand — in fact, it can even further your traumatization and delay your healing.

It’s super important to remember that when we’re feeling extremely emotionally distraught after an affair that we may not be looking at the situation or even ourselves very accurately and our emotions may be filtering how we see the world.  Try to not criticize yourself and your character because of what someone else did!  It’s important to look at our role in the situation, but not beat ourselves up necessarily with negative and critical self-talk about how we aren’t good enough or, how we deserved what we got because we weren’t a good husband or wife.

Yes, you probably have a role in what happened, but it’s not really your fault if our partner made bad choices and acted in deceitful ways.  That’s on them and not you.

For a fresh perspective on the hows and whys and what to do’s of affairs check out this Ted Talk from Esther Perel on Rethinking Infidelity.

 

Are you or a loved one currently dealing with the emotional aftermath of an affair? Do you need help sorting out your emotions and making the important decisions that are right for you? If you are interested in exploring counselling/therapy, please contact me today. I would be more than happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Couples/Marriage, Relationships

7 Ways to Help Overcome Codependency

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Do you feel like you are always trying to please others and in doing so, you neglect your own needs?   Do you find you that you often find yourself accepting the responsibility for a loved one’s emotions or behaviours?

Is it hard to set effective boundaries and limits with others? Do you often feel mostly negative and unhappy but still have difficulty stepping away from what’s become a dysfunctional relationship? Are you overly emotionally reactive to relationship problems and conflicts?

Codependency can be defined as an ongoing pattern of behaviour in which you find yourself becoming overly dependent on approval from those close to you — where you depend on a relationship or intimate partner to define your own sense of self-worth and even your identity.  Where it seems we can only really see ourselves through the eyes of another.

A red flag that often signifies codependency is when your purpose in life seems to be focused on your relationship and partner’s needs — where you find yourself always making significant sacrifices to maintain the relationship and to meet your partner’s needs.  It’s where our own individual fulfilment becomes highly dependent on your partner and relationship — where we find ourselves losing our own sense of independence or self-sufficiency.

People who experience and struggle with codependency often have childhoods that contain emotional abuse or neglect; childhoods where they do not have their emotional needs met by the people closest to them.  Their parents are often abusive, neglectful or selfish —- centring on their own needs and not their child’s.   This creates an ingrained pattern of behaviour in which the individual repeats their childhood pattern of trying to construct and maintain a relationship even when their partner is very difficult,  checked out and emotionally unavailable.

Codependent people often display some of these signs:

  1. Find it hard to set boundaries and limits with others, often to their own detriment
  2. Are “people pleasers”, often to their own detriment
  3. Need a sense of control and predictivity in relationships
  4. Are caretakers and often put others in front of their own needs
  5. Find it very hard to express their own needs, feelings and thoughts
  6. Are dependent on others and have a great fear of rejection
  7. Have low self-esteem and fear of failure,  being judged by others or making mistakes
  8. Problems being intimate, open and honest in relationships
  9. Are often in denial about their codependency
  10. Often struggle with symptoms of stress, anger, anxiety and depression
  11. Are very unsettled by arguments, disagreements and conflicts
  12. Give too much time effort and energy in a relationship

These are some of the signs of codependency.  Codependent people look to social cues from other people to tell them:

 

What they should feel

 

What they should need

 

What they should behave like

 

While most would agree that sensitivity to others is a wonderful and positive trait, people who are codependent often take it to an extreme, largely because of an inability to create healthy boundaries.  They lose themselves in trying to meet the needs of others and have very few of their own boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are super important. Boundaries draw a line of separation and responsibility between our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours — and the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of others.    Because these boundaries are blurred or missing, people who are codependent may experience high levels of stress, anger, resentment, anxiousness and even symptoms of depression.

While it may take time to break long-standing patterns of codependency, there are things you can do to overcome it.

 

1. Look to Your Past

The first step on your path to rescue is to take a look at your own past to reveal and understand experiences that may have contributed to your codependency.  What is your family history? Is there emotional neglect and abuse?    Were there events that led to you distancing yourself from your true inner emotions and ignoring your own needs?

This can be a difficult process and one that involves thinking about and re-experiencing childhood emotions. You may even find that you feel angry, sad, shameful or guilty as you think about this.

Note: This type of exploration can be very emotional and stressful and is often best done in a safe therapy relationship.

 2. Recognize Denial

The second step to healing is to really be frank with yourself and recognize the problem.  There probably a very good chance you have intellectualized and justified your codependence over time.  While it can feel scary to admit to being codependent and/or involved in a dysfunctional relationship, honesty with yourself is really the first step toward healing.

 3. Detach and Disentangle Yourself

In order to truly work on and improve ourselves, we have to first disconnect from the things we are troubled with. Personal growth will require giving up our preoccupation and over-involvement with trying to control, rescue, or change others and our defaulting to always trying to please someone else.

This means taking a deep breath, letting go and acknowledging we cannot fix problems that are not necessarily ours to fix.  What problems do we “own” and what problems are “owned” by others in our lives?   It’s about really trying to differentiate where you end and others begin.

4. Practice Self-care

Giving up your attempts to constantly please others is a good start to healing, but learning self-care is absolutely necessary as well.   It’s super important that you really begin to explore and become aware of your own thoughts, feeling and needs.   We also need to learn how to communicate them to others in our relationships. This may feel very hard and even foreign to us at first as if you are being especially self-centred.    But that’s part of learning how to take care of our own needs.

Self-care means taking care of ourselves physically — eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and going to our doctor and taking any prescribed medications.   Self-care also means caring for ourselves emotionally, making social connections, finding happy positive activities to fill our time, and allowing ourselves emotional downtime and rest if we need it.   It also means really getting in touch and examining our own thoughts, opinions, values, wants and needs — regardless of what other’s opinions are.    Good strategies to do this can be writing and reflecting through the process of journaling, reading appropriate books on self-care, and of course, going to therapy.

To create healthy long-term relationships with others, you must first build a strong one with yourself.

5. Learn to Say No!

One of the best ways you can begin to set healthy boundaries is to learn to say no to situations that are damaging to your own well-being. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become.   We have the right to say no to others and often we don’t need to give them a long explanation.  We have the right to say no to things that are not the best for us.  This is not about being selfish and uncaring towards others — but it’s about setting boundaries and putting our own needs first.

6. Be Kinder to Yourself!

Be kind to yourself!   This is about self-compassion and treating yourself the same way you would treat the others you love!

Here is a good little exercise to try to do this:

Close your eyes and visualize your best friend.

Now imagine they come to you and says they are really hurting because something has really gone sideways in their life.   They’ve lost a job or a relationship is faltering or they’ve “failed” in some way. 

Would you say to them, “Well, it’s probably your fault because you didn’t do this or that” or “You should have tried harder”  or say “It’s because you aren’t good enough or smart enough”

Of course, you wouldn’t say that to a friend.    So why would you say that kind of stuff to yourself?

It’s more likely that you would embrace your friend and say, “That’s terrible. I’m sorry, how can I help”

You really should be kind to yourself in this way, too.    Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who is suffering.  Learn to challenge any negative, critical self-talk, and any negative beliefs about yourself and your self-worth.

 7. Learn Independence

Finally, try separating from others for certain periods of time to create a healthy sense of independence.   Reduce dependence through learning to be alone and actually learning to like it!  People who are codependent often find it very hard to spend time alone without others around.

Find an individual hobby or interest just for you.   Go read in a coffee shop on your own, go the movies alone, go to the gym alone.   Find some ways to create independence and learn to spend time with yourself!

 

Codependency can be changed and healed!   Does changing this part of yourself make you feel uncomfortable?   Perhaps seeking the guidance of a therapist might be beneficial as you work your way through exploring how codependency affects your life.   A good therapist will be able to help you explore your past, your uncomfortable feelings and experiences, and help you learn more healthy ways of relating to yourself and to others.

If you are worried that you or a loved one is codependent and are interested in exploring therapy, please contact me today.   I would be more than happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

 

 

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Couples/Marriage, Relationships, Self-Esteem

10 Signs of Depression in Teens

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Ask any parent what their most important job is, and they will tell you it’s protecting their children and keeping them safe in the world.   New parents spend hours, if not days, preparing, by worrying, reading baby books and baby-proofing their homes.  They research the best car seats, the best colleges, and the safest bike helmets,  and often struggle to figure out ways to keep their kids safe online.

But, no matter how hard parents work to keep their kids safe, it can be very difficult to protect children against mental health issues such as depression.    According to the  US National Comorbidity Survey-Adolescent Supplement (NCS-A), Major Depressive Disorder affects roughly 11% of adolescents by age 18.   A significant percentage indeed.   Also if we look at depression like a continuum, it doesn’t take into account the number of teenagers that suffer from depression that doesn’t quite meet the level of clinical diagnosis.

In addition to the critical challenges of treating adolescents with the more severe symptoms of depression, depression has also been associated with the development of chronic health conditions, significant social/economic costs for society and a greatly reduced quality of life for the sufferer.   Teenagers with depression often have a hard time getting their lives and careers started, and depression may be a big factor in their “failure to launch”.   Sadly, and understandably, it’s probably really hard to “start your life” when you depression makes you feel empty and worthless and tells you that maybe life has no point.

If you are concerned and worried as to whether your own teen may be suffering from depression, here are 10 important signs to look for:

1. More than mood swings

Thanks to naturally rampaging hormones, it is quite normal for teenagers to experience mood swings. But those suffering from depression will often show excessive and more frequent swings of anger, sadness, self-doubt and irritability.

2. Academic problems

A drop in enthusiasm for school, struggling to maintain grades and even notes home from teachers can be a big signal that something is going on.  Is your teen regularly getting to school late or cutting classes?  Are there frequent absences from school?

3. Changes in social behaviour

Is your child spending less time out of the house with their friends?  Do they have new friendships that seem negative or that you question?  Are they spending more and more time alone and isolated?   Changes in social behaviour are often a primary signal kids may be in trouble.

4. A lack/loss of interest in their favourite activities

Did your teen use to love playing sports or spend hours gaming, listening to music or drawing?  Have they seemed to suddenly lose interest in these activities?   If your child no longer shows interest in favourite hobbies and activities, this is an indicator that something may be wrong.

5. A Lack of Motivation

Granted, teenagers are not known for being highly-motivated, but those suffering from depression will show a marked decline in motivation and drive.   Again, it’s important to look for changes in this area.

6. Lack of energy and feeling tired all the time.  

Does your teen complain of having no energy to do anything, that they are “tired to the bone” or they have physical complaints like stomach or back pain?   Again teenagers are sometimes known for being “lazy”, being tired and sleeping too much.  But lack of energy and malaise  can also be a definite sign of depression.

7.   A change in sleep patterns, appetite or weight that has changed considerably 

Diet changes like a lack of appetite, or binging on comfort foods can point to an issue.   As does changes in sleep patterns which can be sleeping too much or having insomnia.   Depression can affect appetite, eating and sleep patterns.

8.  Restlessness, agitation (pacing, wringing hands, feeling like they can’t sit still)  

Often depression can be displayed in agitation and irritability.  Some sufferers describe it as having a motor inside them that continually runs on and on, not letting our mind or body rest.

9. Complaints of feeling guilty or worthless  

Feelings of negativity and guilt, feeling like “everything is my fault’, ‘I am bad’, “I’m not good at anything” can point to the negative and flawed thinking that underlies and maintains depression.

 10.  A Family History of Depression

If you or someone else in your close family suffers from depression or other mental illness, there is an increased chance your teen may also suffer as well.

Getting Help

If you have noticed a few, or many of these signs in your teen, it’s important to seek help from a mental health therapist like a Psychologist.    While you may want to, you can’t just love your child’s depression away. It’s often imperative to get professional help and an ongoing plan for treatment and management.   There is a great deal of research showing that therapy works to heal depression and is probably the best first thing to try before things like antidepressant medications that may not be the best thing for your teenagers developing mind and body.

A therapist will be able to assess your teen for depression and provide them with treatment, including coping skills and tools for dealing and lessening the impact of the symptoms.

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Teens/Children

Creating an Authentic Life

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So what is an authentic life and why is it so important to our mental health and well-being?  Authenticity as a concept comes from philosophy and existential psychology/psychiatry and really has to do with how well a person is able to be true and honest to one’s own individual needs, personality, temperament, spirit/soul and/or character, despite the extraneous pressures of the outside world.   The modern, outside world puts pressure on us to conform to the world rather than expecting the world to conform to us.

“Authenticity,” as a psychological concept was defined about 15 years ago by psychologists Brian Goldman and Michael Kernis, as:

“the unimpeded operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

While the Encyclopedia of Positive Psychology defines authenticity as:

“Psychological authenticity refers to emotional genuineness, self-attunement, and psychological depth. To be authentic is to live with one’s whole being in the moment, without guile or hidden agendas”

In other words, people who are authentic, live and act in ways that are true to their own sincerest core version of themselves.  They “practice what they preach”.

Authenticity can help you live a fuller and happier life in a few different ways.  Authentic people are usually able to lead more connected lives as their relationships with others tend to be more genuine and authentic as well.    People who are authentic in living their lives also tend to be mentally healthy people because when you live a life true to yourself and your needs this leads you to be more content and comfortable in your own skin.   When your view of self is congruent with how you live your life there is less room for internal conflict and this gives you the room to lead meaningful lives.

When we’re growing up, no one really tells us about the importance of living authentically. We’re told that many other things are much more important, things like always behaving properly, getting good grades, making the sports or debate team, going to the right college and then getting the right degree in the right field and then getting the right job and then starting your RSP’s. We effectively learn to make choices based on what other people and society think we should do rather than on what we think we should do, or even what’s really best for us.

Then suddenly, one day we wake up to find ourselves in unrewarding, thankless jobs and/or in unhappy, empty or unbalanced relationships.   We find ourselves wondering about the lack of meaning in our lives, even though we make six figures and have all the accoutrements of a supposedly good life — like the big house, the right clothes, this seasons $1500 handbag and the new SUV or sports sedan.

At its very essence, authenticity requires us to start to explore our own self-knowledge and self-awareness. And to begin that process of discovery, it takes real courage!   We have to look at ourselves honestly, looking at our life and probing at all of our past life choices. From the moment you ask yourself:

 Am I living an authentic life with purpose and meaning?

 Am I being true to my core self?

 Am I living in accordance with my core beliefs?

 Am I truly acting in authentic, genuine ways with the people around me?

 Can I be myself around others or do I find myself putting on a mask?

By looking at these questions and self-exploration, you can begin a brilliant journey of discovery, self-fulfilment and maybe even end up living a more full and meaningful life.

 Here are some great ways to start on that pathway to authenticity. 

Developing Self-Awareness & Self-Reflectiveness

To be truly authentic you have to be self-aware.  You have to thoughtfully and honestly consider who you really are at your core — and you even have to include and explore the parts of your personality you may not like quite as much.    By engaging in the regular process of self-reflection and introspection you can figure out more about your true self and then discover and plan to live in a way that’s consistent with that self-identity.   Great ways to become more self- aware and reflective can be through:

  1. Going to a good therapist that can help guide you on the journey to self-discovery.
  2. Learning strategies for quiet contemplation, meditation or even regular being in nature can all give us the time for more effective introspection.
  3. Regular journaling can be an excellent way to discover who we truly are. Here is a blog I wrote on journaling. https://roberthammel.com/can-journaling-help-improve-life/

Kindness, Empathy and Compassion

Authentic people tend to be of “good character” and really genuinely care about other people.   One of the best ways to live a truly authentic life is to learn how and why it’s so important to be kind and compassionate to others.  This may mean releasing yourself and others from the insidious and destructive process of holding onto anger or sadness from the past.  It may also mean releasing yourself from judging others and developing a sense of acceptance instead.  Interacting with the others in your life in healthy and empathic ways can truly help us lay the groundwork to living a more meaningful and connected life for yourself.

Develop A Clear Vision and Visualize

You can look at your life and find what hasn’t worked for you in the past, but do you have a clear idea of what it is you really and truly want? Who do you want to be? How do you want to act or look?  Is your job fulfilling, is your marriage a good one, are you a good parent or a good friend?   If not, what career might suit you better? How can you improve your marriage or be a better parent or friend?

You have to really explore, imagine and visualize your authentic life.  Have some fun dreaming about it and fashioning your “new improved self” in your mind.    Visualize as many parts of it as you can and really envisage how it would look and feel if you lived there in those different ways.   Developing a clear and vivid vision of where you’re going, makes it so much easier to get there, and especially if the going gets tough or you have to make some big life changes to be true to yourself.

Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde

Having an Open Mind 

People who make the effort to keep an open mind are also probably better at being authentic.  People who are authentic have truthful beliefs about themselves, their abilities, and their self-worth — an open mind allows you to really see yourself accurately and fairly.  If you see yourself fairly and accurately, then it’s easier to start making the changes you need to examine your beliefs and values and have a happy and mentally healthy life.

Your “life” up until today, was created based on a set of beliefs and thoughts about yourself and the world that you developed and held.  However, maybe you were trying to please other people, like your parents, friends, a spouse or even a boss, rather than being your authentic self.  Or, perhaps others in your life were unkind to you or put you down and this has unfortunately caused you to have flawed, inaccurate views about yourself or the world around you.   To be authentic you need to challenge some of these pre-existing beliefs that may be holding you back and keeping you stuck in an uncomfortable life that may not fit who you are anymore!

“Always be yourself and have faith in yourself. Do not go out and look for a successful personality and try to duplicate it.”    Bruce Lee

With an open mind, you can actually begin to study your thoughts and beliefs and hold them up for a more accurate inspection.  We can try to really see them for what they are.  Maybe you’ve never thought you were talented enough or good enough or smart enough or attractive enough.  Ask yourself why you might believe this flawed view of yourself.  Did this belief truly come from you, or is it from your parents whose expectations were maybe way too high or perhaps from your sixth-grade teacher who challenged and criticized the way you saw the world or thought you were lazy?   Or maybe it was from being bullied or neglected by the cool kids in high school?    Regardless, the point is to really be open to the possibility that the view you take of yourself and your world might actually be flawed and inaccurate.  You may be living based on assumptions about yourself that may not be true.   That critical sixth-grade teacher very well may be wrong about you!

If you take some time for some thoughtful introspection and examination of your beliefs about yourself you can try to understand where they came from and decide if they are truly serving your best interests.  For some, believing a flawed view of themselves can lead to a lifetime of heartache.

Find Some Help

Examining, taking apart your life, and then putting it back together again is no small feat and there may be times you feel upset, angry, sad, frustrated, confused, or even overwhelmed. While friends and family may lend a kind ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on, they can’t necessarily help give you what you need to really examine and then change your life.  A therapist, on the other hand, is a great collaborator to have in exploring and providing practical tools that will help you explore your thoughts, beliefs and emotions and help you on the path to an authentic life.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” — E.E. Cummings

References

Heppner, W. L., & Kernis, M. H. (2007). “Quiet ego” functioning: The complementary roles of mindfulness, authenticity, and secure high self-esteem. Psychological Inquiry, 18(4), 248-251.

Lopez, Shane J. The Encyclopedia of Positive Psychology. Blackwell Publishing, 2009

 

Filed Under: Anxiety/Depression, Depression, General, Self-Esteem