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Time to go? Leaving a long term relationship in the best way.

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So, you’ve been in a relationship for a year or two, or perhaps for even ten or twenty or more… but unfortunately for a while now, you’ve been really feeling unhappy or dissatisfied and have been thinking that maybe your relationship is past its best before date. How do know if it’s time to end it?   It’s the very nature of relationships that sometimes, they end.   In fact, all relationships we have in our life will come to an end in one way or another.    In this blog, we’ll look at ways to explore and possibly end a relationship in a way that will help us feel more confident and positive in our decision and hopefully limit the harms to ourselves and others.

Please note: if you’re in a relationship that has violence or abuse it’s a different matter and here are a few links to some help in this scenario:

How to leave a violent relationship

RCMP Intimate Partner Violence and Abuse

So how then should we go about making that big decision without having regrets, and then if we decide we need to leave a relationship, how do we do that in the best way possible?

Be sure you have really tried to make it work.

One of the best ways to make sure you don’t have regrets about leaving is to honestly look at the situation and be confident that you’ve really given it a good try.   For example, if it’s been a ten-year long marriage making a decision to leave should be a well thought out and reasoned decision, not a decision made in haste due to anger or frustration at circumstances that just may be temporary!   Ask yourself was the relationship good last year or even three or six months ago?  If so, could it be good again, and if you both want to put in the effort, maybe it could just be?

Do the math

Really sit down and be honest with yourself.  Look at the relationship accurately and with some sense of detachment if you can.  It’s really important to really look at your situation without the filters of love/romance or of anger clouding our thinking — use your logical thinking brain and really look at the situation as clearly as you can.  For instance, has the relationship been 40% good and 60% bad, or is good 70% of the time and only 30% bad?  Is your partner willing to take responsibility for their role in the problems and are they truly willing to making things better or do they blame you for the situation?  Are you honestly taking responsibility for your role?

Be sure that it’s the relationship making you unhappy

In working with hundreds and hundreds of clients over the years I’ve seen time and time again that sometimes people blame the relationship/their partner for their unhappiness when in fact their unhappiness has much much more to do with them, their thinking patterns and maybe even their negative attitude.   Or maybe you’re suffering from anxiety, depression or with an addiction issue, if so maybe it’s important to really look at yourself first.  Are you looking to leave for the right reasons or are there other things affecting your thinking and attitude?  Maybe seeing a psychologist like myself or another type of therapist can maybe help you sort out what’s you and what’s the relationship?

How do you define love as a concept?     Are your expectations realistic?

Now I’m going to say some things that are a little controversial.    What is love?   Often people say that I’m no longer “in love” with my partner.   Or I “love” them but I’m not “in love” with them.    What does that really mean though?  Unfortunately, it often means that people equate being “in love” with the exciting rush of sexuality and passion that often comes with a new and sparkly relationship.  In a shiny new relationship, there is a rush of exciting “in-love” hormones and neurotransmitters in our brain.

In a nutshell, evolution makes new relationships feel that way so that we hook up and procreate lots of babies!   But is it reasonable to expect a long-term relationship to always feel like an exciting new relationship?   Maybe we need to really look at how we define love as a concept?   Perhaps deciding that love is a verb and committing to our partner through thick and thin and realizing that often the rush of love feelings will come and go and that’s natural.  Maybe true love isn’t necessarily about the shiny fresh tingling feelings of passion and sexuality in a new relationship?  Maybe true and abiding love is more about accepting our partner, flaws and blemishes and all?  Maybe it’s about having their “having their back” and making the effort to the commitment to being with them, even though sometimes it will be hard to do that?

To me true love isn’t about the tingly rush of meeting someone new — it’s more about acceptance, effort and really giving our best self to our partner — where two people make the conscious and deep decision to be with each other for the long term.

Here is a link to a previous blog on how to build acceptance in your relationship:

Create love and acceptance in your marriage!

Really look at what your life will look like if you end the relationship

It’s important to really look forward honestly at what your life will look like if and when you end it.   For example, if you have children, what will it really be like to have to afford the costs of divorce, like paying for lawyers and having to sell a house or  now having two households to pay for.  What about dealing with all the challenges of having to co-parent?  It’s more than OK to take into account financial matters and really look at how different your life will be after the split.   Of course, money isn’t everything and shouldn’t be the sole reason to stay unhappy… but sometimes digging in and working on a savable marriage may be better than spending tens of thousands of dollars on two $500 an hour divorce lawyers.

Be sure you truly want to end the relationship

Sometimes we feel like we want out of a relationship when what we really want is a “remodel” of the relationship.  We still love the other person but wish that things were different day to day.  Maybe our needs aren’t being fulfilled practically, emotionally or sexually.  Ask yourself would the relationship be better if… there was more or different sex, if your partner did more around the house, paid more attention to you, was more involved and present?  Just because a relationship is unhappy or unsatisfying doesn’t mean that it can’t be changed with some work and effort if both people are willing to try to change things up.  This is where it’s important to really be honest and forthright in letting your partner know what your needs really are.   I don’t mean hints… I mean really having a sit down with them and being frank and honest about your needs and feelings and why things aren’t working for you!

Don’t cheat sexually or emotionally before you go!

Leaving a long term relationship should be done in the best and most honest way you can.   Unfortunately, sometimes people look outside the relationship to others when things aren’t going well.   Engaging in emotional and/or sexual relationships before you’ve ended the relationship often happens because the “leaver” is looking to build their self-confidence and prove to themselves that they are still attractive before they venture out on their own again.  Sexual and emotional attention from being with a new lover can, of course, make us feel excited and giddy even!   Some people even leverage this rush of good feelings as a way to feel stronger and then use this strength to leave their current relationship.  The problem with this is that it often can really hurt the person being left — much more than if you left in a more respectful and kind manner.  Infidelity can really affect people in lots of negative and painful ways; we’re actually wired to really be affected by infidelity and adding this pain on top of the pain of a relationship ending is unnecessary and even kind of selfish?

Here is a great TED Talk that takes a new perspective on infidelity from Esther Perel  —   Esther Perel: Rethinking Infidelity

Additionally, jumping into a new relationship right away before we’ve even left our current one often guarantees that the new relationship will probably crash and burn.  A relationship built on the shaky foundations of deceit and dishonesty is probably not a good one. After leaving a long term relationship it is probably best to maybe take some time away from relationships and dating  — a time to really concentrate on building our own life, distinct and separate from other people.   It’s a time to maybe do a relationship autopsy and really figure out why our long term relationship ended.  To honestly look at what was our role in the relationship ending.  You’re really responsible for 100% of your 50% of what happened in your last relationship.   It really takes two to tango!   Try to leave with kindness, respect and empathy instead of anger and spite.

 

Even if you’re really ANGRY!!!!

Try to leave with kindness, respect and empathy

So if you’ve done the homework and decided its time to end it?    Ask yourself how would you want to be treated if you were the person being “left”?   What would you feel like if someone ended the relationship with you in a negative, unkind or even cruel way? Leaving someone behind can really hurt them and affect their life in many negative ways.

Even if you’re holding lots of negative anger and resentment towards your soon to be ex-partner, it may still be best to leave with “good karma”; to try to be kind and respectful.   What if the relationship is really ending on a bitter note?  What if the resentments and anger are really affecting you and the thought of being kind and sweet to them is too much for you to stomach?  Maybe then it’s important to shoot for being neutral and detached rather than mean or spiteful?

A good strategy I often recommend to clients is to treat it like you would a business situation or decision.  Try to be detached and keep your anger in check.    This strategy is especially good to try if you have children involved or if you have assets to split up.  Any divorce lawyer can tell you stories where a couple splitting up will fight tooth and nail over a few minor possessions.  Really ask yourself is it worth it to battle it out over who gets the cheesy wooden salad bowl, the 10-year-old television or the threadbare couch in the basement?   Try to be kind and respectful and if you can’t? Maybe the best strategy is to aim for neutral and “business-like”;  really try to step away from your emotions and make this as pain-free as possible for everyone involved.

It’s also probably best for you emotionally and psychologically to make a clean break without anger and the creation of even more bad feelings and memories.  Learning to let go of all the anger and resentments is probably the healthiest way for you to try move forward with your life.

Ending a relationship is never easy.   Make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and that you’ve really thought it through!

If you need help sorting this out further, maybe contact a psychologist like myself who can help you sort out what’s the best way to make this hard decision in the best way possible.

 

This blog is not intended as medical advice, treatment or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a mental health or medical professional.

Filed Under: Relationships

Can Empathy and Compassion Help Your Addicted Loved One?

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It can be super difficult navigating through any relationship that is affected by serious addiction issues.  There is a  strong belief out there in the world that helping our loved ones and treating them too kindly can end in creating a codependency and worsen their addiction  —  instead, the best thing to do is show them some tough love!  That you have to be “cruel to be kind”. (Thank you Nick Lowe).  

Without a doubt, it can be hard to be with a person who is addicted.   They may even act in some really negative ways; they may ask for or steal money for drugs or alcohol; they may continually cross our boundaries and cause us pain or heartache, they make be continually rationalizing and making all kinds of excuses for their negative and even destructive behaviours.

Lots of research has found that family, friends and even the community can play important roles in recovery. While loved ones can’t actually change their addicted friend or family member, they can make the effort to try to act in ways that will help create a loving and caring environment where their loved one feels supported and cared about.  

Much new research in addictions is showing that many of those who are addicted actually quit without professional help and that one of the primary factors that helps someone end an addiction is when the addicted person has a strong connection to their loved ones and to the greater community.   It also helps significantly when their relationship with their loved ones is based in respect and acceptance (Heyman 2013).    

Why are Empathy and Compassion So Powerful?  

When we offer a loved one our genuine empathy and compassion, we intentionally join them in their suffering and then, and only then, can we give them the authentic support and love that are truly the synergists that may spark their healing and recovery. 

Being empathic and compassionate means that we are an active witness to the suffering they are dealing with in their addiction.  Making a concerted effort to have compassion allows us to really see our loved one and the suffering they are going through.  

In their excellent book,  When Your Partner Has an Addiction: How Compassion Can Transform Your Relationship (and Heal You Both in the Process), co-authors Christopher Kennedy Lawford and Beverly Engel explore how spouses/partners can help the recovery of the people they love.    From their book:  

“Compassion is the most powerful tool you can have when it comes to healing addictions of any kind. Put simply, what your partner needs most from you is compassion.”

“Human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections. If we can’t connect with each other, we will connect with whatever we can find … It is disconnection that drives addiction.”

Lawford and Engels’s book is an excellent resource on how to connect with a loved one who is struggling with addiction.

So now that we understand why empathy and compassion are so important, how do we do that?

Here are some good strategies to help you help your loved one:

Validate Them and Their Experience 

To feel validated, the addicted loved one needs to feel seen, heard and understood.  To feel understood our loved ones must know they have the space to express their anger, frustration, fears, suffering, sadness, or any other strong emotion they are feeling.  Negative emotions are often one of the biggest causal factors at the centre of an addiction.   Negative emotions are the fuel that keeps the addiction churning along.    Friends and family members who disregard or minimize their loved one’s suffering may actually be helping the addiction and harming their loved one!     Empathy helps us stop judging and validate the person.   Compassion allows us to judge less and listen more.

Provide Comfort  

Whether it’s physical or emotional pain, sufferers from addiction often have a great need to be comforted.   Simple things like a loving touch, a warm glance, or just a few kind words can make a huge difference in how our addicted loved one feels supported and loved.  

It is also incredibly important to be compassionate toward yourself during your loved one’s addiction and recovery. Self-compassion asks that we treat ourselves kindly; that we validate our experience and show ourselves the same comfort we show our loved one.    Here’s a link to some good emotional self-care tips:  https://roberthammel.com/7-steps-to-emotional-self-care/

No Shame!

Many people who have an addicted loved one try to use shame as a tool to help their loved one “see the light” or as a tool to motivate them “to do better”.

Unfortunately, it can actually backfire in some unexpected ways! One of the most insidious parts of an addiction is the sense of often overwhelming shame that it creates.

The addict cannot pass his own survey. He is appalled by the failures from which he suffers, and shame is the appropriate, respectful, humane, first-person response to these failures. Shame begets using and more using begets more shame, and the vicious cycle is produced and maintains itself. Overcoming shame is part of overcoming addiction. Shame is also normally a crucial factor motivating the addict’s attempt to reclaim, reconstruct, and improve himself.   (Flanagan, 2012)

Shaming someone makes them feel isolated and alienated from their support system.  Shaming them may actually feed their emotional cycle of addiction.

Addiction, Love and Boundaries

One last thing.  I am not suggesting we should totally do away with setting boundaries with our addicted loved one.  Not at all, we need to set appropriate boundaries with everyone in our lives and particularly those that are acting out in negative ways that may harm us…  Perhaps, though,  along with setting good boundaries for our loved one, we should also try to make a place for them in our hearts… realizing that love, empathy and compassion may be more important than tough love in helping them to recovery.

Here is a great blog from my colleague Sharon Martin on setting boundaries with a loved one dealing with addiction:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2017/08/how-to-set-boundaries-with-an-alcoholic-or-addict/

 

If you or a loved one is suffering with addiction and you’re interested in exploring therapy for you or for them, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

 

References

Heyman, G. M. (2013). Addiction and Choice: Theory and New Data. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 4, 31. http://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2013.00031

Christopher Kennedy Lawford and Beverly Engel When Your Partner Has an Addiction: How Compassion Can Transform Your Relationship (and Heal You Both in the Process)   2016   https://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Partner-Has-Addiction/dp/194163186X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475599896&sr=8-1&keywords=when+your+partner+has+an+addiction

Flanagan, O. (2013). The Shame of Addiction. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 4, 120. http://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2013.00120

 

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Filed Under: Addiction, Couples/Marriage

Where’s The Damn Bus! Waiting For The Bus, Mindfully.

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A little while ago I found myself taking a city bus to the Canada Day celebrations here in Calgary.   And what a wonderfully fun day of celebration it was.   But as my little family and I waited for the bus to go home that evening, there was a bit of a delay and I found myself getting frustrated and admittedly even a little cranky at having to wait.  We had walked many miles during the day, and damn it, I wanted to get home, relax a little, and watch a little mindless TV.

We were sitting in a bus shelter and a light, warm, summer rain was starting to gently fall — I started to realise that feeling upset or angry about the slow bus wasn’t really productive, positive or really much fun.  Instead of getting crotchetier, I made a quick decision, I decided to take a few deep cleansing breaths and chose to just be present in the moment and just immerse myself in the bus waiting experience.

Once I simply CHOSE to connect to my current surroundings in a non-judgemental way and just be in that moment, a funny thing happened…  

I started to mindfully notice and appreciate all the small wonderful details I was missing when I was cranky.    The warm rain was falling and leaving beautiful abstract patterns on the glass and the rain smelled so wonderfully fresh and clean.   Outside of the bus shelter, a couple of teenage sweethearts giggled, laughed and held hands as they ran in out of the rain.   The rain gently pattered onto the wet concrete and the car tires made wonderful swooshing sounds as they drove by.   Thunder rumbled gently in the background and I let my mind wander back to the innocence and wonder of my childhood memories of storms and my grandparents warm and loving house.  In just a few minutes of acceptance and immersion in the moment, I noticed I wasn’t really feeling crotchety anymore.    In fact, I was feeling calm contented and even relaxed!

Looking back, making the choice to accept the circumstance I was in; immerse myself in that moment and step away from feeling frustrated was a really good one that day for me.    Through acceptance and making that positive choice to just be in that moment, I shifted from feeling frustrated to feeling quite relaxed and contented.    It was really about acceptance and choice.   Once I accepted that the bus arrives when it arrives, not necessarily when I think it should arrive, I started on the path away from my negative emotions.  By choosing to immerse myself in the moment and actually making an effort to truly see and appreciate my surroundings  I became one with the situation and just lived in that moment as it was, rather than expecting it to be perfect.   The acceptance allowed me to enjoy the beauty of that experience

Zen Buddhist Monk Tich Nhat Hahn talks about a similar experience about the mundane chore of doing the dishes:

Thirty years ago, when I was still a novice at Tu Hieu Pagoda, washing the dishes was hardly a pleasant task. During the Season of Retreat when all the monks returned to the monastery, two novices had to do all the cooking and wash the dishes for sometimes well over one hundred monks.

There was no soap. We had only ashes, rice husks, and coconut husks, and that was all. Cleaning such a high stack of bowls was a chore, especially during the winter when the water was freezing cold. Then you had to heat up a big pot of water before you could do any scrubbing.

Nowadays one stands in a kitchen equipped with liquid soap, special scrubpads, and even running hot water which makes it all the more agreeable. It is easier to enjoy washing the dishes now. Anyone can wash them in a hurry, then sit down and enjoy a cup of tea afterwards. I can see a machine for washing clothes, although I wash my own things out by hand, but a dishwashing machine is going just a little too far!

While washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes, which means that while washing the dishes one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes.

At first glance, that might seem a little silly: why put so much stress on a simple thing? But that’s precisely the point. The fact that I am standing there and washing these bowls is a wondrous reality. I’m being completely myself, following my breath, conscious of my presence and conscious of my thoughts and actions. There’s no way I can be tossed around mindlessly like a bottle slapped here and there on the waves.

. . . There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes. . . .

If while washing the dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not “washing the dishes to wash the dishes.” What’s more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes.

In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can’t wash the dishes, the chances are we won’t be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future – and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life.

Being mindfully aware can be applied to any of life’s routines, waiting for the bus, washing the dishes, driving to work, or even waiting in a line up at the DMV.   (Although even Buddha himself probably would struggle to be mindful and present at the DMV).

So how do you be more present and aware when you’re in what feels like a frustrating place or situation?

Here are some tips to help you wait for the bus or wash the dishes:

Recognise your own impatience or frustration.  

The first step to stepping away from negative emotions to a more content and a mindfully calm place is to realise that they are happening and that they are affecting us.  How often do we find ourselves frowning or scowling and feeling negative and then suddenly realise what a waste it really is to feel that way?   Once we realise we’re feeling impatience or anger or frustration we can understand ourselves better and then start to do what it takes to change those negative emotions to more positive or even neutral ones.

Mindfully make the choice!

The real power we have over any environment is in making the choice to be present, aware and immersed in the experience.  We can’t choose our feelings and emotions — but if they are negative we can choose how long we hang on to them — we can choose to not ruminate on them making them bigger than they are.

What can you control?

In waiting for the bus, you absolutely cannot control when the bus gets there, but you can control how you choose to perceive the situation and use that time.   Use that time to do some deep breathing or other meditation exercises like noticing all of the sensory input you’re receiving  — open yourself to the experience, what can you see around you, smell, hear, feel?

Be curious and look for wonder!  

Use the waiting time to look around you and be curious about your world.  Look at things with fresh eyes.  Look for the wonder around you, the beautiful sunny sky, an interesting looking or acting person, a cute giggling toddler, an elderly couple holding hands, a bright and colourful ad or billboard, pretty flowers or a big beautiful tree, maybe the diversity of all of the interesting and colourful people around you.   Don’t judge things just explore them and accept them as they are.

Acceptance is key. 

Again, the bus comes when it comes.   Being frustrated will just make it seem like it takes even longer!  Take those deep cleansing breaths and just accept that’s really just the nature of buses!

Find gratitude.

Use the time while you’re waiting to mindfully make a gratitude list.   What are you grateful for?  Your family, your job, your shiny new shoes, your recent achievements, your friends, that the bus will be half empty, that the sun is shining, that it’s Friday, that your family’s health is good, that you have a vacation coming up?   Gratitude can really help us gain perspective and pull ourselves out of the rabbit hole of negative emotions.

 

Making the choice to be mindfully aware of the moment you’re in without allowing negative thoughts to interfere can be a wonderful way to lessen the daily stress in our lives — being present can lead to living a more relaxed and harmonious existence.

So the next time the bus is late, just slow down, appreciate the moment and be more curious about the world around you.

 

If you’re interested in exploring these ideas a little more:  Here’s a link to another great blog about learning how to appreciate each moment!    http://on-being-real.com/on-being-real/getting-quiet


References

A Lifetime of Peace: Essential Writings by and about Thich Nhat Hanh —By Nhất Hạnh (Thích.)  Da Capo Press; 1 edition (Sept. 25 2003)

Filed Under: Uncategorized

4 Things to Ask a Therapist Before Starting Therapy

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Meeting with a therapist for the first time can feel frightening and overwhelming. But there are ways to make starting counselling less intimidating. One of those ways is to make sure you’ve chosen a therapist who will be a good fit for you.

Before committing to a regular schedule with a therapist, there are 4 questions you should know the answers to. These questions can typically be answered in an initial phone or in-person consultation with your potential therapist.

  1. What Type of Therapy Do You Offer?

Most therapists specialize in a particular kind of therapy such as CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), Gestalt, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Psychodynamic, or Family Systems. Each of these schools of thought will inform how that therapist works; how they personally believe change and growth occur.

For example, Psychodynamic therapists pay special attention to past relationships and behaviours to help understand current crises. EMDR is used to heal the symptoms of trauma.  CBT is used to help us change negative thinking patterns.

It’s also important to understand how your therapist will work with you each week. Will you be assigned homework? What will be expected of you? If you’re seeking therapy for a specific problem, inquire how they would approach it.

  1. Is Contact Allowed In-Between Sessions?

If it’s important to you to be able to call, email or text your therapist with questions or concerns in-between sessions, ask what their policy is. Some therapists may only allow contact in case of emergency. If this is the case, you’ll want to be sure to ask what constitutes an emergency.

Some therapists may read email messages or listen to voicemails but will not respond, while others will reply or call you back.

Understanding your potential therapist’s policy for contact between sessions is essential to ensure you are both a good fit for each other.

  1. What Happens if You Have an Emergency?

Once you know what constitutes an emergency, you’ll want to know how they help you handle one. Some therapists will allow you to call them at home or at their office while others will use an answering service that will get a message to them. Still, others may ask you to all a crisis line or go to the hospital.

  1. How Much Experience Do You Have Treating People Like Me?

You wouldn’t hire a hairdresser to fix your leaky faucet, so why hire a therapist who doesn’t have experience treating people with issues similar to yours. Therapists often specialize in specific areas and become experts on that particular treatment. Don’t be afraid to ask this question to ensure you’re getting the best therapist for your needs.

If they don’t specialize in what you’re looking for, ask if they have any references that do. Often, therapists will refer you out anyway, if they feel that a colleague would be a better fit for you.

Finding the right therapist for you may take some time, but the search will be worthwhile.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help and answer any questions you may have.

Filed Under: General

How to Tell if Therapy is Right for You

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When it comes to your physical health, it’s pretty easy to know whether or not you need to see a doctor. If you catch a cold, there’s really no need to make an appointment; however, if you break your ankle, you need to immediately get to an emergency room. But when it comes to your mental and emotional health, things aren’t as black and white.

Here are some ways you can tell if therapy is right for you:

Anxiety

It’s common to feel anxious from time to time, but if you’ve noticed your anxiety levels have increased and are interfering with your ability to do normal activities like work, household chores, and sleep, it may benefit you to talk to a mental health professional.

Trauma or Abuse

Trauma and abuse can leave lasting scars that, if left untreated, can negatively impact every aspect of your life, from your relationships to your ability to experience joy and happiness. Coming to terms with your experience by speaking with an empathic and specially-trained therapist can help you to heal.

Addictions

Addiction can destroy lives and families. Recognizing you have an addiction is often the hardest part.

If you feel that a loved one is suffering from an addiction, whether it’s substance abuse, gambling, or a sex addiction, a professional can help. Often it is a loved one of the individual suffering from addiction that will approach a mental health professional first.

Marriage Problems

If you find yourself unable to communicate with your spouse and are wondering if divorce is the only answer, seeking couples counseling could help get the relationship back on track.

Obsessive or Compulsive Behaviors

Life can become unbearable when dealing with obsessive or compulsive disorders. If you find yourself consumed by compulsive thoughts and behaviors that are negatively impacting your relationships in life, seeking therapy can be an important first step to gaining control over your thoughts and behaviors.

Difficult Life Transitions

Difficulties such as the loss of a job, a divorce, or loss of a loved one can make a once-peaceful life seem chaotic and unbearable. The emotions that go along with these challenging life transitions can be too much for many people to handle alone. Speaking with a therapist can be an effective way to work through your emotions and grief.Bottom of Form

Although it can feel frightening and overwhelming to take that first step and reach out to a therapist, learning to manage your emotions and behavior is an investment in yourself that can improve your quality of life in dramatic ways. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: General

Can Journaling Help Improve Your Life?

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Thoughts and Feelings and Words

As a Psychologist in Calgary, journaling is a strategy that I highly recommend to many of my clients.  It can be a great method for them to get in touch with their core emotions; a powerful way to explore and understand their thought patterns and really come to a deeper sense of self-understanding.   I also use journaling in my own life and I really feel it’s a great strategy that can really help anyone who tries it to understand themselves better.   I have also seen this strategy help many clients lessen the impact of anxiety and depression on their lives.   I have also seen many clients use journaling as a great strategy to help them work out problems and make better decisions in their lives.

 

Why Journaling?

Journaling can be a very simple strategy in which we write down our feelings and thoughts on a regular basis,  looking for patterns and insights that may help us improve our situation and live a better life.   Journaling is a great way to capture and explore the emotions and thoughts that surround the events of our daily lives.  It allows us to capture and explore our habits, actions and reactions to our world — it can help us really illuminate and interpret what’s going on in our lives and decide on better, more productive ways of thinking and acting.    It allows us to evaluate our thinking, our emotions, and our behaviour in a way we wouldn’t normally do.   Usually, in life, we go cruising along on autopilot and don’t make the effort to look at our thoughts, feelings and actions — journaling allows us to actually explore if our thoughts and feelings are really helping make our lives better.

Journaling allows us to take the time to be truly introspective and creates the opportunity for us to look at how we are acting and reacting in our world and perhaps find better ways of doing so.    Journaling is really one of the best ways to advance our personal growth and emotional development.   By getting your thoughts out of your head and putting them down on paper, you can really gain insights you may otherwise never see.

 

Journaling — Anxiety and Depression

Though regularly writing in a journal seems a simple thing to do — when you’re depressed or anxious it really may not be that easy.   Writing about our feelings and emotions takes energy and sometimes too,  it can be uncomfortable or even painful to write about the negative feelings and thoughts we have when we are anxious or depressed.    But it might be worth it to try.   Journaling is a proven strategy for helping people improve the symptoms of anxiety and depression.    Almost always, part of the mechanism that maintains anxiety and depression is a brain that looks at the world through a negative and skewed filter.  A depressed and anxious brain often selectively focuses on negative thoughts and opinions and disregards any neutral or even positive alternative thoughts.    Journaling for anxiety-depression can really help sufferers explore their thoughts and feelings, help them feel better and look at their world in a more accurate and less negative way.   If you do decide to try journaling be sure you check with your mental health professional and if it makes you feel worse — don’t do it.

Here’s some more information on journaling as a strategy for anxiety/depression:

http://www.depressiontoolkit.org/takecare/journaling.asp

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shyness-is-nice/201404/how-keep-thought-diary-combat-anxiety 

 

Journaling and Problem Solving

Journaling is also a great way to help us get some perspective and solve our problems.    How often do we really sit down and really look at a problem from a few different perspectives?    We usually just think about it a little bit and then go with our gut and make a decision.  That’s great sometimes, as our intuition and hunches can often help us make good decisions — but many problems might be better solved by actually looking at them more in depth.    Journaling allows us to slow down, look at different perspectives and can really help us make a make a measured and reasoned decision.     Writing things down allows us to better see all of the sides of a problem — writing can give us a clarity we may not otherwise see.

We can really only concentrate our mind’s power on the small parts of any problem we’re trying to solve.  Although our brains are powerful problem-solving machines, they are still quite limited in their ability to look at all the parts of any complicated problem we may be facing.   For example, close your eyes and picture the house you live in — notice you can really only see one view of it at a time.  Can you see the front and the back at the same time?   Not so easy.  The same thing happens with a problem we’re trying to solve — we’re only really able to see a little piece of the problem at one time.    Journaling gives us the ability to really look at all of the possible angles and perspectives of a particular problem.  A powerful decision-making tool indeed.

 

Journaling: Getting Started

So, how do you get started — what should you write down in your journal?

A good place is to start with buying a journal that appeals to you, maybe it has funny cats on it, or it’s a particular design or colour, or maybe it’s a beautiful leather journal that appeals to you.  Get something that appeals to you and makes you want to write in it!

One brand that is a bit spendy, but very well made and attractive, comes from the Moleskine brand: http://www.moleskine.com/

You can also journal electronically on your laptop or even try a Smartphone App like this free one at https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/stream-journal-easy-journaling/id972439087?mt=8

So what exactly should you be writing down?   There is no right or wrong way to do this.

Here are some great ideas to start with.

Try to look candidly and objectively at the thoughts and emotions you’ve written about.   Be frank with yourself, but be careful to not let the journal become a place where you beat yourself up or where you harm your self-esteem.

Sometimes it can help to just let a stream of consciousness flow and go with it!

Find a peaceful time and place to journal every day — make it a part of your self-care regimen.

Remember there is no right or wrong way.

Here is a link to a great website with many more great ideas on how to start journaling:

https://journaltherapy.com/journal-cafe-3/journal-course/

Keep your journal private — it’s important that you should feel free to share absolutely anything in your journal.   Do whatever you feel is prudent to protect your journal and ensure that others aren’t able to access your private thoughts.

So give it a try for a few weeks and see if this method can help you reduce stress, solve life’s problems and find some new perspectives and ideas to improve your world.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

3 Ways to Overcome Self-Doubt

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Self-doubt can be debilitating. It can hold you back from pursuing your dreams and living the life you really want. Self-doubt can also make it hard to complete necessary daily tasks and make simple decisions.

The good news is, it is possible to overcome self-doubt and quiet that negative self-talk. Here’s how:

1. Take Charge Immediately

When inner doubts start to creep up, many people let them spin out of control and fully take over. Once this happens, it’s incredibly difficult to regain control.

It’s important that you take charge immediately and stop the negative talk as soon as it begins. In your mind, speak to yourself and say something like, “No. Nope, we’re not gonna do this.” Should the negative talk start-up seconds later, talk to it again and put it in its place. Be firm with it!   Doing this interrupts your thought patterns – which are basically thought habits – and eventually, your inner self-doubter will realize you’re serious and maybe even retreat.

2. Remember, You Can Always Make Adjustments

Many times, people are so fearful of making mistakes, they take no action toward their goal. But reaching a goal should be thought of as going on a wonderful car trip. You have a map and a basic route planned out, but along the journey, you may decide you want to hop off the highway and try a scenic byway instead. You may decide to backtrack and stop at that cute little souvenir shop. Sure, all of these changes to your initial itinerary may add a little time to your trip, but you’ll still get to your destination. And you’ll get there with more photos and T-shirts and wonderful memories!

Trying to plan every single move you will take to get to your goal can be exhausting and impractical. Just take the first step, then another, and then another… and remember, you can always change your mind and adjust along the way.

3. Talk to Someone

Self-doubt can easily become distorted and exaggerated when you keep all of your thoughts to yourself. But, when you speak to someone and let those thoughts out into the light, you have the chance to hear how exaggerated they may be. Also, talking about your doubts with a therapist who is supportive is a great way to gain a fresh perspective.

If you or a loved one is afflicted with self-doubt and is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Self-Esteem