A great article on how to create the glue that holds marriages together and even fills some of the cracks.
Dr. John Gottman suggests that couples create shared meaning through the use of rituals, roles, goals, and symbols. As you begin your life together, it will be important – and fun – to establish these things as a way to give purpose and meaning to your relationship.
You could say a worried state of mind is the opposite of a peaceful one. Alan Watts describes worry as “a mind in the grip of vicious circles.” He says “once you’ve learned to think you can’t stop. And an enormous number of people devote their lives to keeping their minds busy and feel extremely uncomfortable with silence.”
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The language around and about depression is often scary… the black dog, a dark cloud, a deep & dark hole —- we often connect depression with darkness (a common theme in literature and myth).
People in the midst of a depression use words such as, down, defeated, beaten, hopeless, helpless, empty, despair, lonely, agitated, scared, vulnerable, despondent, withdrawn, fatigued, beat down… and on and on and on. The choice of words deeply reflects the person’s despair, pain, helplessness and loss.
In my German heritage, there is the word “Verzweiflung” which translates most directly to the English word “despair” but it also has a deeper meaning — “to experience a profound fear and pain”. But, maybe that isn’t even enough to describe the depths of a depression.
What does the research say about words, language and depression?Smirnova and her associates (2013) in a study of language and depression found that people with mild depression used more total words, used narration rather than reasoning, used more ellipsis (abbreviations), more repeated words, more self-centered (“I”) speech patterns, and more verbs in the past tense than did their non-depressed peers. They also used simpler sentences and less altruistic talk. So it appears even having a mild depression reflects in our language and that our thinking may also be affected by language. Here’s a great link to an explanation of this study. http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/812151
In another language and depression study, Rude and his associates (2004) found that college students who were “depression vulnerable”, and those with depression were more likely to use language that was self focused (using the word I more often) and used more “negative” words overall than people who were not depressed. Even more interesting Acousticians, Sahu & Espy (2004) found that people with depression have speech/vocal features that change as feelings of depression get worse. Their voices became more gravelly, hoarse, and their language less fluent. The researchers have as a goal to develop a depression screening app or tool that will record
Even more interesting, Acousticians, Sahu & Espy (2004) found that people with depression have speech/vocal features that change as feelings of depression get worse. Their voices became more gravelly, hoarse, and their language less fluent. The researchers have as a goal to develop a depression screening app or tool that will records a patient’s voice pattern so that it can be screened over time to spot the onset of depression. So depression even affects our tone of voice and fluency, not just the choices of words that we use.
Look at human history and how infamous dictators like Stalin and Hitler and beloved leaders like JFK were great orators and used language as a tool. They gave ostentatious and powerful speeches that swayed entire countries to their way of thinking with their words.
But what if the language we use and tell ourselves in a depression is actually somewhat similar to how dictators control their followers? What if the language we use… becomes our reality? What if, when we are depressed, we use negative “depressed language” to describe our world and that is actually part of what maintains our depression? This may seem like an extreme view, but ask anyone who’s had a depressive episode in their lives — depression can be a dictator, battering us with our own negative words and thoughts.
According to Beck’s Cognitive Model of Depression people with depression have and create “schemas” in their minds, which are “structures” or “ways of thinking” about themselves, about their situations and about their depression.
These faulty schemas/thinking structures often take the form of negative thinking and speaking — these thinking structures create the groundwork in which depression can occur and be maintained in — if we can change the thinking, we can change the depression.
In depression, this schema or way of thinking is made up of internal (what we tell ourselves) and external (what we tell others) language that is overly self-focused and often slanted towards being negative and sometimes even self-destructive.
Often when people with depression speak to others (and to themselves in self talk) they use negative language like:
I can’t. That’s impossible. I’m too weak. The world is unfair. That won’t work. It’s too hard. They don’t like me. I’m weak. It’s always this way and it sucks! I’m tired. I’m a loser. Always my bad luck. I’ll never make it. This really sucks. Isn’t that just my bad luck. It would only happen to me, I just can’t catch a break.
So what do we do about such negative messages? Much research in Cognitive Therapy has shown that a proven way to change this internal and external negative language is to question and challenge it.
It’s about monitoring what we say to others and especially what we say to ourselves in our self talk, the little messages and thoughts that we tell ourselves all the time.
So what are some concrete things we can do to use less depression language and more positive language?
Speak slower and think about what you are saying and thinking. Catch the negative thoughts and challenge them BEFORE they become our reality.
Make an effort to use language that is more positive all of the time. I mean really try. According to the math of Barbara Fredrickson, one of the founders of “Positive Psychology”, we need to generate at least three positive thoughts/feelings to counteract each single expression of negativity in our mind.
Use positive action positive words, especially when talking about your future. For example, use phrases like:
Why not me? I will. I can. It’s possible. This is doable. This situation is “normal life” and I’ll handle it. I’ve taken care of things like this before and I will be successful again. It’s not that bad.
A great and simple way to start to help yourself is to say “I have depression” rather than saying “I’m depressed.” What’s the difference? Saying I am depressed is a statement that assumes the depression and the person are the same thing! And that’s just not so. You ARE NOT your depression. Depression is a disorder that you “have”, it does not define WHO YOU ARE as a human being… and that is a big difference in speaking and thinking.
Hang around with people who have positive, optimistic attitudes and use positive and enthusiastic speech. People who use speech that is uplifting and happy, likely feel better and live lives that are more positive – hang out with them rather than friends that make you feel sad or negative.
When you start to get stressed and depressed, stop, slow down and look at what you are thankful for in your life. List off even the smallest and silliest things: Your home. Your car. Your job, The dishwasher, Your children, your spouse, your pet, even if it’s a wee bubbling goldfish. Say those things out loud to yourself… maybe just not while you are on the city bus. Make a gratitude list, write it down, repeat it out loud and do it often.
Words and language are a moving part in the machinery of maintaining a depression
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if we can change our language, we can change our mood!
Start small, examine what you say to others and what you say to yourself in your self-talk — remember words and thoughts have power!
References:
Beck, A. T. (1967). Depression: Causes and treatment. Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press.
Beck, A. T. (1976) Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York: International Universities Press.
Saurabh Sahu and Carol Espy-Wilson Presentation #5aSC12, “Effects of depression on speech,” by – See more at: http://www.hearingreview.com/2014/11/monitoring-mental-health-speech-analysis/#sthash.f09E8RLs.dpuf
Rude, Stephanie ; Gortner, Eva-Maria & Pennebaker, James (2004). Language use of depressed and depression-vulnerable college students. Cognition and Emotion 18 (8):1121-1133.
Smirnova, D., Sloeva, E., Kuvshinova, N., Krasnov, a., Ustinov, M., Romanov, D., & Nosachev, G. (2013). P.2.b.060 Language phenomenon in the diagnostic criteria of mild depression. European Neuropsychopharmacology, 23, S354–S355.
Nature heals.
“People have been discussing their profound experiences in nature for the last several 100 years—from Thoreau to John Muir to many other writers,” says researcher David Strayer, of the University of Utah. “Now we are seeing changes in the brain and changes in the body that suggest we are physically and mentally more healthy when we are interacting with nature.”
Source: How Nature Boosts Kindness, Happiness, and Creativity – Mindful
People with anxiety have an extraordinary ability to anticipate potential problems. This makes them great to be with – they are the ones with the plan B, the plan C, the spare batteries, the phone charger and the escape route. Being able to anticipate trouble can be a great strength, but like any strength, too much can… Read more »
Source: Anxiety – Research Sheds Light on Why the Worry – Hey Sigmund – Karen Young
Steve Job’s is only remembered via his successes.
Keep trying.
Any entrepreneur who wants to invent, innovate, or create must be willing to be imperfect.
Source: Click here: Five of Steve Jobs’s Biggest Mistakes
A great article on human touch.
The power of touch is profound. It heals, connects, nourishes and soothes. It is a fundamental part of the human experience and can nurture relationships an
Source: The Remarkable Power of Touch – Hey Sigmund – Karen Young
The World Health Organization’s latest definition of self-care” is:
Self-Care is what people do for themselves to establish and maintain health, and to prevent and deal with illness. It is a broad concept encompassing hygiene (general and personal), nutrition (type and quality of food eaten), lifestyle (sporting activities, leisure etc), environmental factors (living conditions, social habits, etc.) socio-economic factors (income level, cultural beliefs, etc.) and self-medication. (1998 )
Self-care can be physical in nature, going to the dentist on time, taking our prescriptions, brushing our teeth, exercising regularly or even going for our annual physical.
But it can and should really also include strategies aimed at improving and sustaining our emotional mental health as well — we can do this in many ways — through active self-awareness, mindfulness, performing stress reducing activities like meditating or other engaging and therapeutic activities, learning how to manage our emotions and feelings, going to therapy or using self-help books or online tools.
That is a mouthful to say, let alone to do, and of course, no one is perfect — no one has a handle on everything in their emotional life — and sometimes, for many people, the expectations from others and even from ourselves to be emotionally healthy all the time, can be overwhelming.
But really… maybe it’s not about being perfect right now? Maybe it’s just about trying?
Maybe it’s really more about realizing that something important and human — something deep inside ourselves actually grows from making the effort to care for ourselves and by authentically caring for others? If we really try to be mentally healthy we are also then pointed in the direction of learning and growing and improving in so many other ways.
Another perspective is to see that we can maintain our mental health much akin to sharpening a saw as Stephen Covey put it in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
Suppose you came upon someone in the woods working to saw down a tree. They are exhausted from working for hours. You suggest they take a break to sharpen the saw. They might reply, ” I didn’t have time to sharpen the saw, I’m busy sawing!”
Habit 7 is taking the time to sharpen the saw. By renewing the four dimensions of your nature – physical, spiritual, mental and social/emotional, you can work more quickly and effortlessly. To do this, we must be proactive.
So from the Covey perspective, sharpening our saw is necessary to be able to perform well and to “feel good”.
The secret with parenting teens is about educating yourself as a parent and really try to understand them with empathy. Not always easy. Here’s a great article.
The changes we see in our kids when they hit adolescence can leave many of us with a sense of whiplash. The tiny, adorable humans who wanted to us to read to them, sing to them, cuddle them, kiss them goodbye at parties, at some point become … different. Loved, wonderful, funny, creative, but not… Read more »
Source: They’ll Do What?! Understanding the Changes that Come With Adolescence – Hey Sigmund – Karen Young
